Paying My Fine To Mommy
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Paying My Fine To Mommy
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Advice can vary depending on where you live.
If you’ve been given a magistrates’ court fine it’s important you pay it. If you don’t, the court can:
take the money from your wages or benefits
‘register’ the fine - this means the fine will stay on your credit history for 5 years and might stop you from getting credit in the future
In extreme cases you could be put in prison, but normally only if the court thinks you’re deliberately not paying.
Court fines are a priority debt. This means you need to pay them before debts like credit cards.
If you have more than one debt, you should read our ' get help with debt ' guide - or talk to an adviser at your nearest Citizens Advice .
The court will send you a letter that tells you how much to pay, when you have to pay by and where to send the money - this is called a ‘notice of fine’.
You can also pay court fines online at GOV.UK.
Check your letters from the court to find out who to contact. If you’re not sure, call the National Compliance and Enforcement Service.
National Compliance and Enforcement Service Telephone: 0300 123 9252 8am to 5pm, Monday to Friday Email: NCESWE@justice.gov.uk
Your call is likely to be free of charge if you have a phone deal that includes free calls to landlines - find out more about calling 030 numbers .
You should contact the court where you received the fine and ask if you can pay:
in instalments (or in smaller amounts if you’re already paying in instalments)
You'll find the court's contact details on their letter.
You’ll need to show how much you can afford to pay, so it’s a good idea to work out your budget before you contact the court. You can use our budgeting tool to do this, or you can talk to an adviser at your nearest Citizens Advice .
If your income has gone down, or you’ve got no money left after essential bills like rent, Council Tax (rates in Northern Ireland) or gas and electric, you should explain this to the court.
They might agree to cancel the fine (write it off) if it’s clear you can no longer afford to pay it.
If the court hasn’t heard from you by the deadline in your notice of fine letter, they’ll send you another letter - this tells you what further steps they’re planning to take.
If you still don’t pay, the court will usually ask bailiffs to collect the debt.
Bailiffs have to give you at least 7 days’ notice before they come to your home.
They might let you pay in instalments, but they’ll normally want the debt paid off quickly, for example within a few weeks. It’s often better to try to negotiate a repayment plan with the court before the bailiffs turn up.
If you can’t pay your court fine to the bailiffs, they’re allowed to use reasonable force to enter your home - but they can’t push you out the way or assault you.
If you get a court summons for not paying your court fine, you must go to the hearing - unless you've paid the fine in full before you're due in court. You could be arrested and put in prison if you don’t.
A hearing is your chance to show the court how much you can afford to pay, so make sure you take evidence of your income and living expenses with you.
Some courts are closed and others are changing the way they work. You need to check how these changes will affect you on GOV.UK.
The court can’t send you to prison at a hearing by phone or video call.
If you go to the court in person, you’ll have to wear a mask or covering for your mouth and nose. If you don’t wear one, you won’t be allowed in the building. Some people don’t have to wear one – check who doesn’t have to wear a mask or face covering on GOV.UK.
If the court hasn’t told you how to attend your hearing, contact them to find out. You can search for their contact details on GOV.UK.
You can ask an adviser at your nearest Citizens Advice if you're not sure what documents you need. It's a good idea to get legal help too.
The consequences of a hearing can be serious, for example the judge can increase your fine by 50% or even send your case to the High Court. A solicitor can help you explain your circumstances to the judge.
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Originally Published: June 13, 2018
2 “Why can’t you just get over it?”
3 “You’re just like [other person in your family.]”
4 “You need to grow up and deal with it.”
9 “Why do you spend so much time with them and not me?”
12 “You should break up with them!”
15 “Well nobody else has a problem with it!”
16 “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
18 “Why do you always make everything about you?”
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These familiar catchphrases still sting as an adult.
A toxic relationship is typically a two-way street. But in a mother-child relationship, the parent does wield the bulk of the emotional responsibility — hence why there are a lot more toxic moms than toxic daughters. It’s not always clear when a parent is crossing a line, but experts agree that signs your mom is toxic can be found in the way she speaks to you.
When a parent is prone to toxicity, they often have a Rolodex of biting phrases that come out on a regular basis. Things like “why don’t you just grow up” or “I never said that” might ring a bell. And if it truly is an ongoing problem, it can start to affect your relationship with them as well as how you feel about yourself.
Although it’s a fine line, a toxic relationship isn’t always synonymous with emotional abuse , which can also come out in the words your mom uses. "A toxic relationship is a dynamic between two or more people where emotional needs generally go unmet because of issues that have nothing to do with the other person," Danielle Forshee, Psy.D, L.C.S.W., tells Bustle. While toxicity can be tough to spot, it often comes down to how another person makes you feel. “The word ‘toxic’ in terms of a relationship means that one person’s behavior leads to serious negative emotional consequences for the other person,” says Elliot Pinsly, LMSW , a licensed clinical social worker. Whether it’s intentional or subconscious, “a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered,” he says. And it can leave you feeling down , or as if your self-esteem has taken a hit .
It often hurts extra to realize that your mom is being toxic. According to Pinsly, it can shatter the image of who you hoped she could be. But it’s also a good thing, as the knowledge may make it easier to cope with her words. “Sometimes we need to implement boundaries , find acceptance and change, set time and distance, or redirect our needs to ourselves and find healing,” says licensed professional counselor Rachel M. Abrman, MA, LPC .
If you’re wondering what to do when your mom says hurtful things , or if you recognize any of the comments listed below, it may help to reach out to a therapist, mentor, or friend for support.
If your mom always yells “I never said that!” whenever you want to talk about something hurtful, consider it a sign of toxicity.
According to Pinsly, gaslighting — or making it seem as if you remember something incorrectly — is a common tactic used by toxic people . “The goal is to make you question your reality and shift blame,” he says. It’s often a sneaky way for them to get away with saying whatever they want without repercussions.
It’s not uncommon for a toxic mom to say something like, “Well why can’t you just get over it?” during an argument or when talking about difficult things.
According to Abrman, this type of comment is hurtful because it leads you to question whether you’re accepted or respected. It may also make you doubt your own experience, or wonder if you should even care about you feel.
Your mom’s goal may be to deflect blame away from herself, which she may be doing on purpose or subconsciously.
Is your mom constantly comparing you to a difficult or unsavory family member? If so, her goal may be to manipulate you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong during a conversation that makes her “look bad,” Pinsly says. And that’s not fair or OK.
If you try to talk with your mom about something that’s stressing you out or a topic that’s weighing heavy on your mind from the past, you might not expect her to say, “Oh, grow up.” But according to Abrman, that’s exactly what toxic moms do.
Whatever your mom might claim, it's more than OK to take time to process things before you move forward, Abrman says. No amount of “growing up” or stuffing things down will help you move on faster, so don’t let her words get to you.
Blame is up there with the most signature toxic behaviors. And it's all the more hurtful in a mother-child relationship.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Sara Stanizai, LCSW , it’s especially toxic if your mom blames you for her own personal problems. "This puts [you] in the position of being responsible for [your] parent, when really it's the other way around,” Stanizai says.
If your mother actively blames you for something that she did, all signs point to toxicity .
Secret-keeping is another major toxic mom red flag , according to Stanizai, who says the behavior is not a component of a healthy mother-child relationship.
“If a parent has a child keep something from their other parent , this makes the child the protector of the parent,” Stanizai says. It’s an unfair dynamic for your mom to expect.
If your mom asks you to do something like this for her, maybe point it out. Hopefully she'll realize that it's not appropriate to put you in the middle.
Your mom should be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic . So if you’re constantly wondering, “Why is my mom never proud of me?” or “Why does my mom want me to be someone I’m not?” then it may be time to step back and reevaluate your relationship, Stanizai says.
It’s possible your mom started this toxic behavior when you were in school, but it’s not uncommon for it to continue into adulthood as you share career and life milestones with her. Either way, it’ll feel awful for her to react to your life’s ups and downs in a negative way.
You're an adult. You don't need your mom still on your case about where you are, all the time. "A toxic mother-child toxic relationship is one where the mother believes they have the right and the ability to manage their adult child’s life," clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow , Ph.D., tells Bustle.
For both you and your mother, having healthy boundaries is key. You both deserve to have a sense of self outside of your relationship with one another. According to psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW , this type of hovering is called " helicopter parenting” and it manifests itself in overbearing ways.
Demanding to know where you are is toxic because it doesn’t “facilitate a healthy separation for individuals to figure out [their] own sense of confidence ,” Forshee says. If your mom is alw
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