Past / present / future relationship with melee

I decided to do this write up today, since after Festa, i'm feeling very vulnerable and figured i would not feel like writing about this kind of subject openly that often.

This has been some time coming and my main goal is to possibly inspire / help others, see what it's like to do some writing and mostly collect my own thoughts about what melee has meant to me over the years and how it's become a problem in the past years since covid started.

The Past

Prior to starting out with melee and competition, i got kicked out of school while also starting my first "long term" relationship at the age of 18. While being in school, most of my time was being spend skipping classes because of how little effort on the lower lvl of education i was in i had to put in. This also meant that going to parties every weekend and abusing substances was something i could do, while still maintaining high grades. This lifestyle was very unhealthy and most of all felt more and more empty the longer it went on.

Eventually i got kicked off school for having to low of an attendance rate ( 80%) even though this was the exact minimum attendance that was required, they accused me of calculating my hours and when this happened the second time around, i got kicked off. At the time i felt this was very unfair and made me not want to go to school anymore.

My parents have never motivated me when it came to education, and just let me do whatever i want, all while making me out for a lazy kid.

For most of my life my father has been abusive towards my mom, me and my sister. From getting way too drunk every weekend and screaming at my mom, to bullying me and my sister for crying and so on. At the time i started with melee i still lived at home and worked a job as a door to door sales employee until i started to part time live with my girlfriend in Amsterdam half of the week. During this time melee was still something very good for me, going to parties less meant abusing less drugs, and just being able to go to tournaments and improve in the game gave me a sense of fulfilment i did not ever feel before. Eventually i even quit drugs ( besides weed ) for a long time because there was no need anymore.

Around this time i broke up with my girlfriend after she texted me that she had slept with someone else ( wich felt like some twisted karma, since all my previous Romantic / sexual encounters had been with girls that were in a relationship already) , and i cried in my room for what felt like days. I now understand this relationship was very unhealthy and co dependent, but at the time i was so deeply sad and depressed that i didn't know what to do.

From this point onwards, life gravitated completely towards melee. I had already found connections in my city and after a year or so, me, Shengo and Renzo had played so much together that we all got increasingly better. For me it went alot faster because of how much time besides my full time job i could sink into it.

Going from 19th to 7th to 4th and so on, on the power ranking, being the quickest and most consistent rise in years. Around this time, i probably already put alot of my self worth into competing, but i never found any direct problems from it. I found so incredibly much joy from competing, the friendships and rivals i made, falling in love with the Djoekenborg tournaments and so much more.

As the years went on, i started living with Shengo in the "smasher" house, wich made it possible for me to dedicate even more time into melee in 2019. I went to the USA for the first time, started traveling alot to improve and this was all working very well, i felt very happy at the time while being aware that i should still start going to school again and have a plan B.

At every summer major in EU i started to get 9th / 13th / 9th and so on, my motivation and practice regime was at an all time high, especially considering how u had to practice pre slippi era.

Feeling like i could actually become the best player in NL was always something i believed in, but became closer and closer to reality besides Amsah staying an obvious hurdle.

Ending 2019 / early 2020 with consistent dutch winners finals feats at the bigger tournaments and starting to overcome my dear rivals in $tijn / nebbii and Jim Morrison more and more meant i saw the direct improvement and with a sector Z sponsorship coming up for HFLAN 2020 in March, i knew i was gonna be able to make travelling more cheaper and consistent.

Covid > Present

I got really sick with covid 2 weeks before HFLAN and was hoping to get better before the tournament, despite being scared of the Pandemic becoming reality.

This did not happen and HFLAN was cancelled, starting a long, long time of uncertainty for my biggest and almost only passion.

Depression came up and it was getting worse and worse, especially when i read an article about my step-niece committing suicide due to covid.

( she was a high lvl judoka in the Netherlands and qualified for the Olympics, apparently it was pretty much the only thing she lived for, and a few months into 2020 she had taken her own life)

This was kind of a reality check for myself, since i found myself relating to her situation alot. The sector Z sponsorship i would get, how well i was doing in melee and everything around it all suddenly fell away.

In this time i found comfort with my hometown friends and started to try to enjoy other things when lockdown eased down a bit.

When i finally got a new computer i felt like melee was an option again, however i think every attempt, no matter how much i gave, worked on it or tried, was a sunken-fallacy attempt of regaining my love for competing.

Especially 2022, after having to leave my parents house because of my dad's constant abuse and finding a new life in the Djoekenborg venue thanks to StormetOm, i saw myself committing to practice and dedication like never before.

Even at GOML i was still on a high, despite crying uncontrollably after losing for 25th to Frenzy, i felt like it was a good sign because i truly cared again. But i suppose it started to become very unhealthy at this point.

Panic attacks started to begin before and during tournaments every now and then, and it was probably because melee was my only emotional outlet, especially since i was on and off quiting weed this year, i had to come face to face with my emotions for the first time since i was 18.

Years of smoking weed daily made me realize i had always numbed myself. I would consider myself a very emotional person, but i was bullied so much for being emotional as a kid in school and by my parents, that i had completely stuffed away that part of myself.

I think every tournament after GOML i was already burned out from working full time, practicing melee for hours a day and being an emotional mess, wich made every little setback feel so incredibly painful.

At HFLAN 2022 it reached it's peak and i could not even enjoy the game anymore, i'd force myself to play every set against my will and realized this was gonna be my last serious tournament.

After losing 3-0 to madness wich i had never lost to and getting reverse 3-0'd by Jim Morrison, i lashed out and slammed my hands on the table multiple times after wich i uncontrollably cried for hours, literally hating myself.

Present/future

Alot of this might sound like a sad story, but i have to make clear that melee has been a Beautiful and magical happening in my life, i would probably not be here anymore if it wasn't for melee, and even though competing makes me deeply unhappy right now, i have made some amazing friends and rivals over the years that i will never forget about.

I'm still gonna go to some tournaments to support the scene and see friends / competition, but i'm not sure when or if i will enter again.

My focus right now lies on my mental health / therapy, finding new passions, working out and figuring out what kind of career i want to build towards. I've even quit smoking weed for about 1,5-2 months again now and barely drink anymore, all thanks to myself and the lovely people i have around me right now.

I could name alot of people that mean the world to me that i met through melee, but i think u know who u are and i'd like to end out here before my phone dies out.

Thanks Melee Community for saving my life and eventually making me in the person i have grown into today <3