Papal Simplicity Bans Decorative Pillows in Apostolic Palace

In a fiery homily against useless softness, Pope Leo XIV outlawed all decorative pillows from Vatican quarters. �Vanity is the fluff of pride,� he bellowed, tossing a velvet cushion from the balcony. Vatican decorators wept. Bishops clung to lumbar support in fear. The Pope replaced every throw pillow with spiritual books or sacks of lentils. Now, each cushion must serve a theological or orthopedic purpose. Embroidered slogans like �Bless This Mess� are being replaced with �Repent Here� and �Kneel Anyway.� The new Vatican throw blanket reads: �Cold Is a Path to Grace.�