Panty Poop Ru
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Panty Poop Ru
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Brad “Actually Problematic” Pitt
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Don't worry, too much, girls..... Most Men Don't actually 'Mind' their Girlfriend's Poop- or pee or Sick, for that matter
As Harper Lee once said, “You never really know a person, until they’ve told you the story of the time they pooed their pants in public.”
Technically that’s not what Lee said, but it’s certainly what she meant.
Sh*tting one’s pants is the ultimate war story, passed down from generation to generation, with details of sounds, smells and facial expressions imperative to the narrative.
I collected my three favourite pooping pants stories as a gift to women everywhere. Even though we know exactly how each will end, we can’t help but wonder: How? When? Where? And most importantly, what can I do to ensure I don’t poo my pants while wearing active wear at the airport?
“I was 22 and had met my new boyfriend, Mark, through a mutual friend. I had fallen so hard for him and was really desperate to impress him.
About a month in, we decided to go to a music festival together and stay in his van which had a mattress in the back.
The first night was great, even though I probably drank too much. When I woke up the next morning I thought I had a dreadful hangover and felt extremely nauseous. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom, and passed out before I even stood up.
I realised this definitely was not a bad hangover. It was food poisoning. And then it began.
I vomited out the back of the car, at which point he woke up, having no idea what to do.
I felt a really intense cramp in my stomach and suddenly I had no control. I pooed in the back of my boyfriend’s van.
He could definitely hear it, and suddenly I just started cry and kept saying, ‘I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Can you leave me alone for a bit?’
I was desperate to clean everything up, but again, I just kept vomiting and pooing and could not stop.
It was by far the worst moment of my life.
I eventually managed to clean myself up as best as I could, but we ended up having to go home… and the smell in the van. I can’t even describe it.
Five years later we’re still together, but I get really mad if he ever brings it up.”
“You have not lived, until you find yourself standing next to your girlfriend, with poo running down the leg of your very expensive tights.
We were on our way home from a trip to Vietnam and I had come down with awful food poisoning. It was instantaneous. As soon as I took a mouthful, I knew I was sick, and it lasted days.
On day two, we were flying home, and I could barely walk. We took a bus and then a taxi to the airport, and the whole time I was using every muscle in my body to make sure I didn’t sh*t myself.
I kept getting goosebumps and shaking the pain was so intense. It was a nightmare.
Anyway, we arrived at the airport and we got stuck in this super long line. Then, out of nowhere, it happened. It was… explosive. And it kept coming. I was standing there in a queue, with poo literally running down my legs.
I had to think fast, so grabbed a pair of trackies from my suitcase, and said to my partner ‘I’m just going to get changed so I’m comfortable for the flight’. Although she didn’t say much… I think she semi knew what had happened.
Changing out of my tights was so disgusting I don’t even have the words. I had wipes in my bag so did my best to clean myself up but I just felt awful. The tights then went in the bin.
That was the longest, most uncomfortable flight of my life.”
“I am lactose intolerant, but eat lactose as though I am not.
Anyway, I went out to a cafe for brunch with a few friends and ordered the bircher muesli and a milkshake.
I didn’t feel great after, but just ignored it. That’s until I got into the car.
I had to stop on the way home at a supermarket, desperately searching for a toilet. But then it subsided. I decided I would be fine.
I jumped back into the car and it was only a 10 minute drive until I was home. That’s when my stomach started to grumble again, and there was no turning back.
When I got a red light, I started to panic. This was an emergency. I clenched and hoped and wished and prayed, but none of it worked.
Right there in the driver’s seat of my Toyota Corolla, I pooed my pants.
And still, to this day, I eat lactose.”
It's okay ladies we all have our accidents, and if the guy really loves you he will understand.
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In case your mom never got you the book, here's a fun little fact: EVERYBODY POOPS. That's right, everybody. Even GIRLS. (WARNING: This article contains real, hard proof that girls, in fact, poop.)
President Obama could be dropping a deuce as you read these very words. Mother Teresa was probably going number two every day of her saintly life (you KNOW that food in Calcutta probably ran right through her). Heck, even that mega hottie you just started hooking up with most likely took a giant dumper this morning.
You get the picture. We all poop. So why don't we want to talk about it?!? It's like a funny inside joke that everybody on planet Earth is lucky enough to be in on, so it's time to stop pretending like it doesn't happen and start LAUGHING about it!
I, myself, have had an incident just a few short months ago. The horrific accident took place on the corner of Amsterdam and 72nd right outside of the Duane Reade -- that’s right, I shat on the street in New York City.
In my defense, I had just ingested a particularly questionable taco and my sole purpose for going to Duane Reade in the first place was to get some Imodium to clog that sh*t up. I just wasn’t quite able to make the 20-foot walk back home.
And I'm not the only one with a story like that. Please read along as 11 brave adults tell us about times they pooped their pants.
If this hasn't happened to you, don't get too cocky. No one is safe, and poop can happen anywhere, any time. If it has happened to you, are you brave enough to share in the comments your tale of a time you pooped your pants?
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A farmer brought some products to town and sold them. While there he decided to “live it up” a little and went to a sexy burlesque theatre. After the show he thought, “I will surprise my wife.” He bought a suit of clothes, a hat, a pair of shoes and put them under the seat. On his way home he stopped at the river. There he took off his old clothes and threw them in. Then he looked under the seat for his new clothes but they were gone. Finally he got into the buggy and said, “Giddap, horse, we’ll surprise her anyway.”
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Claim: A young man on a date messes his pants, buys new pants, throws old pants away, then discovers his shopping bag contains a sweater instead of pants.
Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1996]
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn’t want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. “Oh shit,” he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the
arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
“Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?” he asks.
“No problem, I’d like to look around too,” she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men’s fashions are on the right, women’s fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn’t see him buying the pants. He doesn’t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) “Just the pants.”
“Just the pants!” (Eyes still trained on his date.)
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out…just the sweater.
****PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.****
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
Origins: The usual telling of this dating disaster legend involves a fellow who has a bit of an “accident” so he leaves his date standing outside a store while he dashes in to buy a pair of pants. Inevitably, there’s a woman buying a sweater at the same time; he grabs his purchase, reclaims his ladyfriend, they get back to the train station, he goes to change, throws the soiled pants out the window, then finds out he grabbed the wrong package.
A British version tells of a henpecked husband who drinks too much at the office Christmas party (which he wasn’t supposed to have been at in the first place), throws up on himself, stops to buy clothes so the wife won’t know, and catches the train home:
A friend wasn’t feeling well, but just couldn’t see how he could miss the office Christmas party, so he took the train to town and over-indulged himself enormously, with the result that he was really very ill in several directions at once. So on his way back to the station he stumbled into an army surplus shop and asked for a pair of trousers — “38 waist, quick, here’s a fiver” — the assistant stuffed them into a bag, and the man just managed to scramble into an empty compartment on the corridorless train back home. He removed his mucky old trousers, rolled them up, and threw them out of the window. Then he opened the bag, and found that somehow he had bought a denim jacket.
Plain and simple, this is an urban legend that plays upon a standard embarrassment theme of someone’s being caught without clothes in public. As great a story as it is, we doubt it ever happened to anyone.
Applying the acid test of logic to the story reveals its fatal flaw. Suppose it happened to you. After you’d bought fresh clothing, would you return to your date still in
the smelly, soiled outfit and together make your way to the train station? Or would you hightail it into the store’s changing room and change your pants then and there?
In February 1996, this legend surfaced on Z100, a New York radio station, during a program called “Love Phones.” The female caller claimed it had happened to her, with the only unusual embellishment being that after sneaking off the train she later called her boyfriend to explain her disappearance, and he refused to believe her. One suspects the embellishment was added as an excuse to get the tale on the air. (If one is going to ask advice, one needs to present the story in the form of a problem, after all.)
In closing, let me leave you with a related tale out of a 1954 joke book:
Barbara “surprise closet” Mikkelson
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