Pandora Spanked

Pandora Spanked
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writing and videos on kink, porn, politics and power
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This is a transcript of a Youtube video, so you can enjoy the content at a more leisurely pace. You can subscribe to my Youtube channel here . My Youtube channel is made possible by my wonderful patrons so if you're not already, please consider signing up to my Patreon to support my work in kink education and sex work activism. Hi, I'm Pandora Blake - and welcome to my kink education channel where I am going to help you learn about all things to do with consensual spanking. Today, I want to talk about scene debriefs, and why they're so important for both tops and bottoms. You've probably heard about scene pre-negotiation. I'm not talking about the sort of contract signed in blood which showed up in stories like 50 Shades of Grey! I'm talking about the very normal - and hopefully ubiquitous - conversation that you will have with anyone before you play, where you talk about what you want to do together: what you like, what you don't like, what any limits might be, and just get better informed about what you're going to do together and what will work for the other person.
The more involved the scene is, the more pre-negotiation hopefully you'll do. If it's a really complicated role play, a very severe punishment or a consensual non-consent scene, there might be some email swapping back and forth, or several conversations where you really talk through what you're going to do, and make sure that everybody's on board with everything that's going to happen. (I've found that there's a sweet spot, where we've talked enough that I feel safe going into the scene, but if we overdo it, it can take the wind out of our sails, reduce the excitement and possibly feel overly laborious.)
No matter how well you negotiate, scenes are an opportunity for us to express ourselves creatively with each other: to tune into each other's bodies. Sometimes that results in things being tried that weren't discussed, or going off in different directions. Sometimes the pre-negotiation isn't actually an accurate indication of how we're going to react in the moment. We might do something that was pre-agreed, and find that the reactions that we get are very different from what we expected.
I know that I've sometimes asked for something beforehand, and then when it happened I realized that actually that wasn't working for me today for some reason, and I needed something else. Hopefully, if something isn't working you'll be able to pivot and renegotiate mid-scene, but whether or not things went in an unexpected direction, it's always incredibly valuable to have a debrief after the scene to talk about what happened and how it was for each of you.
This is so important: not only for bottoms, so that we can give any feedback or communicate anything which was hard for us to communicate in the moment, but also for tops - who, if they're a conscientious and responsible top, are going to probably be quite worried and want to make sure that the scene worked for the other person. I know that when I'm on both sides of that power line, a debrief is essential, and incredibly valuable for me. Especially after we've had some time to reflect - we've had some sleep, the endorphin high's worn off, we're no longer in the moment, we're no longer feeling aroused - where we can reflect on what's happened in the cold light of day, and give each other a sober perspective on what worked and what didn't.
Sometimes it can take a little time for us to tune in to what we want and to figure out how an experience was for us. Trauma can really make this harder. The more traumatized we are the more time we can require to really suss out how an experience was for us, and give ourselves permission to admit that something wasn't good - if that's indeed how we experienced it.
People with different trauma responses might, rather than giving honest communication in the moment, find that their nervous system shuts down and they go into a freeze response - where they just stay really still and wait for something to end - because that's a pattern of behavior which has kept them safe in the past, and which they now find that their body does whether they want to or not.
Other people might go into a more fawn place - where their survival strategy that their nervous system has learned is to appease and placate the other person, and make the other person feel comfortable and soothed, rather than standing up for themselves or necessarily saying something that would make them uncomfortable.
Any consensual play has to create space for somebody to have these trauma responses, and for the communication to proceed at a pace that will work for that person. Which means a debrief a couple of days later can be the perfect opportunity for a curious exploration of what happened: how was it for you?
Now, if you're the top in this scenario, your job is to create as much freedom as possible for the bottom to communicate whatever is true for them. If they're receiving pressure from you to tell you that they had a good time, you're not in a consensual scenario. If there's any external pressures such as financial or structural power - any kind of influence you have over their lives which might make them unwilling to make you uncomfortable - you're not in a consensual scenario, and you're not going to be able to guarantee that you're getting honest feedback.
So part of the responsibility of a top is to create as much freedom as possible for the bottom to tune into their truth, and to communicate that truth with you, the top, without feeling like there's going to be any kind of negative consequences for doing so.
That inquiry might include a sharing about what happened. Perhaps each person has a different memory about what happened, and we can each exchange our memories of the scene. The bottom could go first, since that's a more vulnerable position; that will reduce any risk of priming, where they might be tempted to go along with the top's version - or even just be influenced by the top's version - and that might prevent them from really accessing their own memories.
If there were any kind of micro moments that felt edgy or uncomfortable, or anything that we were unsure of, we could then ask each other: "I remember doing this and I remember you reacting that way, how was that for you?" or, "I remember this happening - this is what was going on for me while that happened, and here's why I communicated in the way that I did, but actually this is what was going on underneath that".
These conversations can be incredibly rich. They can help us understand more about each other's bodies, our reactions, our world, what we like, what we don't like, and why it might be hard for us to really access that at a moment-to-moment level.
For a top, if we took any creative risks - if we were given a mandate to take charge or take the lead, and we made our own judgments, which can be very snap judgments in the middle of a scene as to what that meant - it can be completely invaluable to check in with our partner and say "So, I guessed that this might be good, and this was the reaction I seemed to get, how was that for you? Was there anything that could have been improved? Was there anything about that experience that I might not be aware of?" That can be so anxiety-reducing as a top, to really get that information so that we can craft a more bespoke and better-informed scene the next time we play with that person. And even if we're never going to play with that person again, it can still be very valuable for our own learning curve, and to hone our intuition and our judgment, and maybe reveal some of the questions that we need to ask upfront next time.
So that's my take on scene debriefs! I hope you enjoyed this video - if you did, please Like it and subscribe to my channel to help support my work providing kinky education around consensual spanking and BDSM.
If you want to see more of my stuff, you can find me on Patreon and OnlyFans where I'm /pandorablake, and if you want to see my spanking videos you can find them on DreamsofSpanking.com .
That's it for me for today, thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Bye!

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