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Cover My Ass Time: This is all happening in a magical, fictional universe. Any resemblance to anything ever is strictly the product of a weak imagination, for which I apologize.

This applies to ALL stuff under the Helpful Snowman banner.

All jokes, folks.

© 2022 helpful snowman. All rights reserved.
I put a spoiler alert on here because it might spoil your day to read this.
Two stars for a method that probably works, but one star because this isn’t so much a method. I mean, a tutorial, to my mind, should walk you through the steps of doing something that you couldn’t really do otherwise. I thought Ivana Tastit would be to cum tasting what Mavis Beacon was to typing.
But alas, I can sum up the advice like this: just do it real quick, as soon as you get the idea, and before you change your mind.
I mean, are people considering this having a really hard time figuring out how to accomplish this task? I’d be willing to bet that 100% of men who have been genuinely curious about the taste of their own cum have been able to figure out how to make their dreams come true. Damn it, that’s not a pun.
The one good piece of advice Ivana Tastit gives is that you should basically jack off, and while you’re cumming, BEFORE YOU FINISH, taste your own semen. Because, as she puts it, the drive, the desire is gone almost immediately after the cum arrives.
And there’s the rub. That one WAS a pun.
If you have a weird hang-up that involves doing something that coincides with the exact moment the doing of that thing is no longer exciting, you’ve got a problem.
I bet this works if you’re already thinking about tasting your cum. But for the rest of us, and by “rest of us” I guess you’ll have to use your imagination here, it’s not super helpful.
Now, I know a lot of you are saying, “Pete, it’s easy to play armchair cumterback. What are your tips?”
Glad you asked. Actually, not glad, and you probably didn’t ask.
1. Try finishing into a bourbon, then shoot the bourbon. Is drinking your own semen in a shot of Beam the manliest act ever? Possibly.
2. Just finish into a batch of cookie dough, then make the cookies. Your semen will be diluted and unrecognizable, but you’ll get past the psychological barrier of it passing your lips.
3. I would like to suggest some snack chips and or crackers that might make a good vessel. Wheat Thins has a wonderful variety of flavors and choices. Wheat Thins are also vegan. Although I guess the vegan-friendly nature of Wheat Thins is disrupted when you slather them in semen, but I suspect that the reasons most people choose a vegan lifestyle have to do with values that are not disrupted by jacking off on a cracker. My basic suggestion here is to pick a snack you like, but not one you LOVE. Or, if you eat too much of something, like Doritos, then use this as an opportunity to cut them out of your diet.
4. I’ve seen a number of motion pictures that advocate the “popcorn trick” wherein a dude sticks his wonger through the bottom of a popcorn bucket, and then his date grabs it by accident(?) I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen. But I would say, go ahead and popcorn trick yourself. It’s not like eating semen, but eating a bunch of popcorn your dick has touched seems like a decent first step to indecency.
5. Jack off into an oyster, then eat it. Anyone who can tell the difference between a regular oyster and a jacked-off-in oyster can collect $100 from me. It’s the premise for an entire gameshow I pitched once.
6. Look over some of the music playlists from bodybuilding.com, especially the ones put up by powerlifters. Put those songs on before you start, and you’ll probably be pumped enough to do ANYTHING.
7. If you’re worried about it being a weird thing to do, simple solution. Just buy a SUPER expensive, bite-sized dessert. Like a truffle that costs $40 bucks or something. Then, jack off, and smear just a smidge on your truffle. Because then it’s like, “I can’t NOT eat this truffle.” Boom, done.
8. Accept that if you’ve eaten in restaurants or fast food joints during your life, you’ve certainly ingested some semen. It’s just a fact. Even if not on jacked off into your Chalupa, come on, you know some teen whacked it and then went straight back to work, thinking, “Well, it said I must wash hands if I used the restroom. Technically, I didn’t use the restroom.”
9. Find a partner to do it with you, and hook your arms around each other when you taste it. That seems more romantic.
10. Get those tiny pink spoons from Baskin Robbins. That’s fun. Now you can finally experience the secret 32nd flavor!

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In case you haven’t noticed, human beings are gross . As much as we like to pretend we’re perfectly clean and sterile little flowers that always smell good and always behave appropriately, we are not. Couples are gross in their relationships, women are totally disgusting in the stuff we do when we’re alone, and yes, dudes, too, are pretty nauseating when they’re left to their own devices.
While, based on my own alone behavior, I’ve always assumed women take the cake on disgustingness, crowdsourcing the men in my life made me realize we’re actually pretty tame in our behavior. We may like to sniff our crotches every time we pee, or admire the lovely swirling of our period blood in the toilet, but at least we know when to change our sheets and would never, ever think of sending one of our friends a photo of our poop. (Or would we?)
We asked some guys what gross behavior they're guilty of when they're alone, and, I gotta say, even I found myself gagging a bit. In case you're still in the dark on this topic, here are 25 totally vile things men do when they think no one is looking.
Like, literally getting their fingers in there for a deep, long scratch.
I can’t totally blame them for this one. If there’s something gross near me, I’ll smell it out of curiosity, too.
This doesn’t mean just acknowledging the smell of a fart, but really putting their face in the space where they just let one rip, and examining the smell. Bean burrito, anyone?
I guess it's how men bond when there's nothing else to say.
It’s like the Olympics of farts all day, everyday!
Apparently, shit-stained underwear is just a part of life for the male gender.
Which, I can kind of understand, because ladies do this one, too.
Which I just can’t understand at all.
You’d think going commando would be a better idea considering the skid mark factor, but I digress.
Because the Olympics of farts isn’t enough.
It’s like a water, er, pee gun that doesn’t quit.
Which means there is no toilet paper involved — just a bare hand and water. Here's hoping they reach for the soap immediately afterward.
You know, like a five-year-old would before they eat it.
I do the same thing with my boobs, so it’s cool.
Although it’s more like once every two months.
Because they didn’t sweat that much.
That is, if they wash it all, because who the hell wants to wash their hair?
Jesus, let's hope they at least wash those.
From your lipstick to your facial moisturizer, if there’s no lube on tap, guys will reach for the next best thing, and sometimes that next best thing is your favorite Chanel beauty product.
Images: Universal Pictures; WiffleGIF (2); GIFSoup (2); Giphy (17)

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