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18 thoughts on “How to Get Over My Wife’s Affair”
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Do you ever feel like your wife is pulling away? Tired of feeling like there's something you just don't get about marriage? Want to be the absolute best husband you can be?
“I need to know how to get over my wife’s affair…The thought of her with another man is breaking my heart. I find myself wondering how I will ever love my unfaithful wife…Is there any hope for my marriage, or is my relationship with my wife doomed to ruin?
How do I disinfect my marriage after my wife’s adultery?”
If you’ve recently discovered that your worst nightmare has come true – that the absolute most painful thing that can happen in a marriage has just happened – then you must have just found out about your wife’s affair. The emotions and thoughts inside of you are threatening to rip their way out of your heart at any moment.
In fact I’d be willing to bet that every second that you sit here reading this article is DIFFICULT because the thought of your wife cheating on you is such a tender subject. I get it, I’ve been cheated on before (although it was a serious, long-time girlfriend that cheated on me, not my wife) so I know a little about what it’s like. It’s not fun to imagine your wife having sex with someone else. Not one bit.
Here’s a general overview of what we’ll be covering in this article about ‘how to get over my cheating wife’:
So here’s the question you need to ask yourself right now:
I won’t lie to you: getting over her affair is going to take both time and effort on your part, but I’m going to do my best to make things easy for you. After all, unfaithfulness in any form is something that can easily destroy even the healthiest of marriages – It’s going to be an uphill battle.
It’s actually kind of astonishing; I mean just think how much your marriage has changed forever, all because of that ONE moment where you found out that your wife is cheating on you. That ONE realization was enough to send shock waves through the foundation of what you thought was a happy marriage. You’re certainly not the first man to wonder “how to get over my wife’s affair”, and many that do never fully forgive their wife for cheating.
Another question men often ask themselves is whether or not they even WANT to save a marriage after being wronged so completely by their wives.
It’s a legitimate question, and one that you should answer fully before trying to figure out how to forgive your cheating wife. If you already know in your gut that you’ll never be able to love or forgive your wife, then it’s better to cut loose than pursue a lost cause that’ll just make it worse for both of you.
This is especially true in the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” type relationship, where your wife has been cheating on you for a while, and either can’t or won’t stop meeting her lover. Since your wife has made the decision to cheat on you, you should know that it will be much easier for her to cheat on you again in the future.
When things get bad in your marriage, and even the best marriages have rough patches, then you’ll likely find yourself wondering whether or not your wife is still remaining faithful. That won’t change from now on…You’ll have to work hard to rebuild trust with your wife.
Why do you think your wife cheated on you? Do you think that your wife has stopped loving you and that’s the cause of her affair ?
I mean, you know that YOU are still the man she married, at least as far as you know. You need to ask yourself this question and answer honestly: Do you still love your wife? Do you believe she still loves you even though she’s been weak?
Make sure you’re looking past the tumultuous emotions that are currently battering your mind…Try and distance yourself from her affair and see things objectively, or from the big picture.
If you DO still love and believe in your wife , then it’s probably best to think of your wife’s affair as a mistake. She is only human, and everyone who’s ever been married has gone through temptation in some form (but not everybody gives into it) . If your wife cheated on you then you can just chalk that up as one of her many mistakes.
I’m willing to bet that you’ve made a few mistakes in your day as well?
It’s often tempting in a marriage to assume that a healthy marriage is one where neither partner ever commits a sin, but the fact of the matter is that very few marriages work that way. In fact, I would guess that there’s NEVER been a marriage where both people were happy the entire time. At least not happy in the typical sense…Even when you’re mad or even disgusted with your spouse, you can be happy that you have someone to experience life with, a partner that you can count on and that, when all is said and done, you can (hopefully) still have love.
But this is something we often forget when we’re married. We always want perfection at any cost. You do; your wife does; everyone does.
I’m sure you used to think that your wife was some sort of goddess immune to the sins of man, but she cheated and now you realize that, just like you, she’s only human. And as a human, there will be times where she not only fails to live up to your expectations, but actively disappoints you as well.
Now, obviously I’m not trying to make an excuse for your wife, but I am saying that if you want to save your marriage you’re going to have to recognize that she has faults just like you do. You’re going to have to forgive her faults, live with her faults, and accept her faults as you accept your own.
If you can, and your wife is willing to do the same for you (if your wife won’t stop cheating, that’s a good sign you should be moving on) , then I can promise that it’s only a matter of time before you and your wife are back on solid ground again.
In fact, I’ve seen more than a few couples who’ve come back from an affair with a stronger, healthier marriage than they’ve ever had before!
Sometimes infidelity can force you to confront and resolve hidden problems that have been plaguing your marriage in the background for years…Even if you didn’t know it!
If you can control your emotional response to her affair and stop your mind and heart from living in the past, and force yourself to look forward to a bright new future, then I can promise you that in time your relationship will work. The only way for this to happen, though, is if you’re very careful not to let the issues of your OLD marriage corrupt your NEW marriage. You need to make an effort to forgive her and then let old graves lie still, as they say.
If you feel the need to initiate an argument with your wife over something from the past, make sure you think long and hard before beginning a confrontation, and when you’re arguing make sure you’re actually looking for a solution and not just reasons to yell and fuss at your wife, or to make her feel guilty for cheating on you.
This is one of the keys to overcoming infidelity that many people fail at…They can’t help but start fights because they feel the need to get even with their wives, and it comes back to bite them in the butt. Don’t let this be you!
I can tell you right now that 9 times out of 10, when dealing with infidelity and the many confrontations that it can lead to, it’s better to let the sleeping dog lie until you have a clear solution or plan of action already outlined in your head.
If you believe that your marriage can be saved , and you’re willing to do everything possible to get your wife back, then it’s time for you to take action.
Whatever you decide to do from here, good luck. You’re free to browse around Husband Help Haven for some more guidance and advice. You should also check out my free ebook, 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband by scrolling up this page and looking to your right.
I know you’ll be able to find the answer to “how to get over my wife’s affair” with a little time and a lot of work…Just don’t lose sight of your end goal!
Thanks for reading, and best of luck!
I'm Stephen, the guy behind Husband Help Haven. I'm not a marriage counselor or a lawyer, I'm just a guy on the Internet who has talked to a loooooot of men going through separation... Over 2,000 in the past 5 years. My goal is to give men the tools they need to save their marriage from separation. Read more here
How to survive a relationship thats on the decline
There is no way to trust a cheating wife again. If she is taken back the odds she will cheat again are very high.
Pretty much. You can never trust anyone who has cheated on their spouse.
I’ve tried to forgive and stay married. 3 affairs later so I continue to Forgive and forget???
Nope, 3 affairs later is where you are setting a boundary for yourself and figuring out how to get to a place where you are either (A) being treated with dignity or (B) getting out of an emotionally unsafe relationship. Of course, it’s your decision ultimately to make. It’s one thing to stay while your wife is making a genuine effort to move on from the affair, but that doesn’t sound like what you’re getting from your wife.
I caught my wife sneaking from the guy’s house at about midnight. She was actually sneaking between the homes.
She did not say she was sorry, and she never will. She will not admit she was doing anything wrong.
She is 22 years younger than me and we own a home. She is the main provider in the family and pays the mortgage. I am 68 and my only source of income is my Social Security. But, without my Social Security, we could not keep the house.
It is just a matter of time. I was thinking with my penis when I married her. I was around forty and she was around 25. I thought it was cool to be marring such a young sexy woman. What a mistake. I was working on a an assignment in Winnipeg and she worked at the hotel I was staying at. It did not take much to get her to spread her legs, i.e., first date. And, I had two young girlfriends at home who were very depressed when I broke it off with them. And, they were faithful.
I sponsored her to become a U.S. Citizen.
All this advice about forgiving your cheating wife is nonsense. If your wife has cheated before, she will cheat again. This is especially true if there is a huge age difference, like ours. My wife is 46 and still looks very good and she is in shape.
She is just waiting for me to die. We don’t sleep in the same bed or bedroom.
Anyway, don’t forgive your wife and find a new soul mate. Divorce her and demand palimony.
Sorry to hear your story, George. While you demand palimony, she will also retain some of your social security as well, including any 401K, assists, or any other probably stocks and/or bonds you may have.
My of almost 12 years had an affair and now wants us to have an open marriage. What the F do I do now?
I sent you an email, hope it helped.
My wife was caught cheating. She lashed out at me. She wouldn’t break off the relationship. I contacted her lover’s spouse and his spouse put an end to it. When he was no longer available, my wife stayed with me by default. Now, I’m stuck and she has said that her affair is in the past and I shouldn’t talk about it or be upset. Am I missing something here? Should I still be married to her? I feel insane.
I know it’s been a while, but counseling, communication is the best way. I’m hoping it works for me. Of course these websites are awesome!
Everybody has a different tolerance level to cheating. Me personally I could never get passed it. Every time I saw her I’d think about it and every time she was gone I’d be thinking about it. No way to live. I have kids but I still couldn’t stay with her. My kids deserve a happy Father not a miserable one. They didn’t do anything wrong do deserve any of this.
That’s my same fear and great advice
First – affairs are NOT ‘mistakes’- they’re choices! Misspelling a word is a mistake because it wasn’t planned. Second you can love your wife all you want but she doesn’t have to love you back. Remember -she has already successfully decieved you and is capable of doing it again whenever she wants.
Third – if she enjoyed her affair then you will be competing with him forever and that’s just a fact – you may HAVE to get a divorce to save your own sanity. The problem is you’ll never know for sure because she’s become used to lying as the easiest path to take. You should at least start talking to lawyers and securing all your finances – remember you cannot trust this person period!
Dave, you make a lot of sense, you are syraight to the point and you knew what you had to do.
Now it’s been 2 yrs are over it?
Are you back with your wife?
Did you want to know who it was?
I am going through what you did right now
I hope thIngs worked out for you and your family.
I saw your reply, its recent hence talking to you at 2:38am sleeping on sofa in living room while wife is in bedroom, you guessed it, she cheated on me.
We recently got married, however, just a week after marriage, i found out she had sex with a guy from her previous work place a month after i asked her to marry me. She said yes obviously so when she cheated on me she was my fiance. Now we are married and there is another problem, she is expecting. I had a massive fight obviously and she said she only did it once she is sorry and now she is faithful and we should move on and baby is definitely mine. I am fighting with myself every day to forgive and forget and continue to love her. I will be honest i still love her and care for her, but every now and then when i see her I remember what she did and the thought revolts me. We used to have sex very often now its gone to once a month sometimes not even that. She is loving caring funny extremely beautiful but she is also a lier and a cheater. I dont know what to do, to be honest and if we werent married or she wasn’t expecting i would simply leave hoping that with time i would get over love of my life and be happy again. Now we are married and she is expecting but i just cant forget or forgive. Sometimes i just sit there quietly like a robot, other times i pretend its all normal. When I actually forget and we are happy suddenly i remember and then i go quiet again, its been 6 months now its been like this, what should i do? She really broke my heart i didnt deserve it, cheating (sex) is not a mistake, its a conscious choice, i wouldn’t do that to her then why she didnt care for me enough to say no to her temptation, wait i know why… answered my own question, because she doesn’t love me as much as i love her or care for her. Wow! That bloody hurts doesn’t it, what should i do tell me?
Wow, this is exactly how I feel. I think your last statement is spot-on. “She doesn’t love me as much as i love her” This is exactly what I’m dealing with now. In my case it’s different, there are no kids and no marriage, it is an engagement only. But it is still very difficult. My first reaction was to try to make it work, but I’ve been wondering why she is so quiet and doesn’t seem to offer anything. I think it is exactly what you said. Because I love her so much, I just want to believe she must love me too, of course, right? But reality is a slap to the face sometimes and, even if she doesn’t love, she would still be unable perhaps, to admit it openly and would rather leave it ambiguous and unsaid to avoid more guilt of hurting the one she no longer loves. Pretty messed up, isn’t it?
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Prayer is an essential part of the believer’s life, Or at least it should be and for the Christian husband prayer is essential for a vibrant and thriving marriage. As the old 1990’s adage goes, What Would Jesus Do? Well, Jesus prayed all the time and would often wake up early in the morning to go off and pray by himself (See Luke 5:16). If Jesus, who is perfect, coveted his prayer time with his father in heaven then we, as men who are to be following His example, should desire it all the more. Jesus also prayed for us, His bride, teaching us as husbands one of the ways we are also to love our wives, through prayer.
Every Christian husband should have prayer as a first resort in any and all situations with their wife. We should be the first to suggest prayer and to lead her in prayer. I admit this is a difficult thing to do, especially when you are in the heat of an argument. The last thing you want to do is stop and try and be spiritual, but it is the very thing that needs to happen. I’ve heard many Christian husbands voice their struggle with praying with and for their wives. This is a major tragedy in the Church that the men do not know how to pray.
As Paul would write, “I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands…” – 1 Timothy 2:8
One simple and powerful way to begin to pray for your wife is to pray Scripture over her. When we don’t have the words, let’s go to the Word.
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Enlarge Image Rob Lowe and his wife, Sheryl, celebrated 31 years of marriage on Friday. Getty Images
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Thirty-one years and forever to go.
Rob Lowe couldn’t stop gushing about his wife of 31 years, Sheryl Berkoff, as they celebrated their anniversary on Friday.
“Your love has made my world. You are as beautiful, knowledgeable, fascinating, kind, and hilarious as you were so many glorious years ago,” the “Outsiders” star, 58, captioned his most recent Instagram post . “Partners in love for life!!”
In the black and white photo, the former make-up artist hugged herself while wearing black sunglasses, a silk tank top and white cardigan.
Berkoff, 61, responded with her own sentimental post celebrating the pair’s big day.
“Love is always Celebrating 31 years. Blessed and grateful. Happy Anniversary xoxo,” she wrote alongside a photo of the two.
Lowe and Berkoff – who share sons Michael, 29, and John, 27 – first met in the ’80s after being set up on a blind date.
The pair decided to part ways, leading the jewelry designer to briefly date Lowe’s co-star, Keanu Reeves. However, in 1989, they rekindled their romance and got married two years later.
Before meeting Lowe, Berkoff got to know other A-list actors while working as a makeup artist in Hollywood – including a young Gwyneth Paltrow.
During an episode of the actor’s podcast, “Literally With Rob Lowe,” Paltrow revealed that Berkoff was the first person to teach her how to perform oral sex when she was just “15 or 16 years old.”
“I met Sheryl and I was, like, immediately obsessed with her,” Paltrow said, recalling that they met while she worked on one of her mother Blythe Danner’s movies.
“She was so cool. She knew that I was sneaking cigarettes, and she would come smoke with me behind the trailer. And she taught me how to give a blow job, and you know, all the classic Sheryl stuff,” the actress said.
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