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I'm busier than a one-armed bricklayer in Mariupol this week. The cracks which things fall through are vaster than ever and I'm sure there's some people that's annoying to. But at least we have updates. Obviously I don't want to oversell it but what today's update delivers without question the greatest experience anyone will ever have EVER. Go see for yourself. Check it...
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane". The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East".
--
I'll never forget the last words my grandpa hollered "Hey you little bugger, stop shaking the fucking ladder!"
--
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read "Old MacDonald had a_____". Bubba was stumped - he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM". "Oh yeah" said Bubba "I remember now". he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy" hissed Tiny "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'".
--
When God created Adam and Eve, he said to them "I have two gifts to give you, one gift
peeing while standing and..." Adam, very excited, interrupted her and screamed "Man... Man.... I want it please, Lord. Please! Please! Please! This would make life so much easier!" Eve agreed and said that this gift was not important to her. So god gave Adam the gift. Adam was surprised, screamed for joy, ran through the Garden of Eden, peed on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played a fireman. God and Eve looked at the crazy man with happiness, until Eve asked God "Lord, what is the second gift?" And the Lord answered "Eve, my child, the brain is yours!"
--
A bloke turns up at the local bus depot to start a job as a driver. He's shown how to change the numbers and destination signs, how to operate the doors, and how to issue tickets on the machine. "Ah, I never had to do the tickets the first time I worked on the buses, I always had a conductor on you see". "Well Mr. Kelly, times move on, and all our buses are one man operated to keep down costs". Satisfied with the explanation, he is taken out around the local routes, so he knows where he's going when he's out on his own. The big day arrives, and he sets off for the first time on his own. Twenty minutes later, the police ring the depot asking for a tow truck. The controller gets on the radio to Mr. Kelly and asks why they need a tow truck. "Sorry boss, the bus is halfway through a shop front window, and they need the tow truck to pull it back out". "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" "Don't know, sorry boss, I was upstairs collecting fares!"
--
There was once an artist in San Francisco. Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colourful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid. On one Saturday a news crew arrived and to their surprise the otherwise silent artist agreed to appear on camera and answer their questions. The interview only lasted a few moments and it turned out that the driving motive behind the artist's weekly performances was to raise awareness for sea creatures that battle mental health disorders untreated. He also explained that the destruction of these painted pieces represents the creature's deteriorated mental state. As the interview came to an end the reporter turned back to the camera and said "Well folks, I think we can chalk all of this up to an artist doing things for autistic porpoises".
--
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place". I asked "Are you single?" She replied "No, I'm a dentist".
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long!
--
Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam: A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have to bill by the hour if it requires any further investigation like writing a letter. The client agrees. He hands John a $100 bill and leaves the office. As John goes to put the money in a drawer, he notices the client accidentally gave him two $100 bills stuck together. Does John have to share the extra $100 with his partners?
--
I need a change of career, and can't decide whether to be a hairdresser or a short story writer. I'll toss a coin. Heads or tales.
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico".
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?"
Previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
62-year-old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual check-up...
As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.
"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I, well... I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
Dr. Miller had been trying for years to get Walter to eat better and exercise a bit more, and so was relieved to see him starting to care about making a change, even if the symptom that finally did the trick seemed a bit vain.
"Walter, I think you should diet. It's really the best and simplest option for your situation and should have lots of other benefits too. You'll feel better and, frankly, I think your wife would appreciate the results too".
Walter nodded slowly, but firmly, and committed to start immediately, much to the Doctor's hopeful delight. After a handshake and exchange of well wishes, Walter was on his way.
30 minutes later the doctor was surprised by a phone call. "Doc, it's Walter. I'm at the store and just wanted to ask if there's a certain colour you recommend?"
Previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A man buys an old, run-down Datsun.
But as he's driving home it breaks down. He lifts the hood and after some thorough investigation, he notices that there's a cog missing.
He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had gone out of business years ago and that he wouldn't be able to find a replacement cog.
He suggests the man call Nissan, who bought Datsun, and now operate out of Japan.
"Hello? I'm looking to find a replacement cog for an old Datsun?" "Ah, yes" says the Nissan worker "we have these cogs, but we only have boxes of one thousand, and I'm afraid we can't ship them".
The man, determined to get his car working, flies all the way to Japan, collects his box of one thousand cogs, and flies back home.
While on the plane, the pilot comes on the intercom and tells the passengers that there is insufficient fuel to reach the airport.
"If you have any unimportant items, please throw them off the plane to decrease the weight, and we will be able to make it to the airport".
As the passengers unload their things from the plane, the man carries his box of one thousand cogs to the plane door, taking one for his car.
Meanwhile, on the ground, two farmers are having a conversation, when suddenly cogs start falling from the sky.
"Well look at that" says one farmer to the other "It's raining Datsun cogs!"
A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the trainers about their progress.
The Canadian says "I have tried everything; I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked".
The American agrees "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out "You lying motherfucker!"
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A man comes walking out of a brothel.
Right as he walks out in to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"
The man is red with embarrassment "Would you keep it down, son?" he said and gave the boy $10 "take this and forget you ever saw me!"
The man then hurries away, and after walking for a little while, he gets home. When unlocking his front door, he looks behind him to see the same little boy from outside the brothel, who'd apparently followed him home.
"Hah! Now I know where you live!" the boy shouted with a huge grin on his face. The man walks over, slips the boy another tenner and tells him sternly "Take this, and keep your mouth shut about all this. Now scram!"
Later that night, the boy's mother found the $20 in his pocket, and demanded to know how he'd come by it. The boy eventually told her, and she was furious with him.
"Tomorrow, you're going to church first thing in the morning, you'll confess to what you've done, then you're going to donate every single penny of your blackmail money!" she told him.
So the next morning the boy goes to church as instructed, where he enters the confessional. He makes the sign of the cross, getting ready to start his confession. He looks up through the window, his face lights up, and he says "Hah! Now I know where you work!"
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp.
Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross. "Something for this I have" Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda's hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda's garden.
"Something I have for this" Yoda says again.
Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda's home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He's used all his forks but one, he discovers.
"That's okay, Master" Luke says, wanting to be helpful "I'll write us a note reminding us to buy more".
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
"Master Yoda!" he asks "what did I do wrong?"
Yoda replies sagely "A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!"
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk".
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey. "What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and drank from it.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes". "What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked". "Yes". "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
Previously on Orsm: WAITRESSES #1 - MORE >>
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat and orders a drink.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He leans over to take one and is shocked to hear the peanuts talking to him.
"Did you lose weight? You're looking really fit!'
Confused, he accepts the praise and nurses his drink. After a few minutes, he gets up to go to the toilet. On the way he passes a cigarette machine. It lights up and starts shouting at him.
"Christ, that's a face only a mother could love!!'
Totally bemused, he goes for a leak then heads back to his bar stool. Seeing his confusion, the bartender asks what's up?
"Your peanuts were so nice to me and made me feel really great about myself then the cigarette machine just insulted me and called me fat'.
"Well' says the bartender "the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order!'
It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the counter guy "Want coffee". "Coming right up" is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the coffee, and walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and again says "Want coffee". This time the guy is ready "Whoa there, fella!" he says "we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday! What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says "Training for upper management position". "Huh?" came the reply.
"Yuh" he says "come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day".
And that is how Modern Management Theory began.
A man is cruising the countryside on his bike.
As he's was riding past a farm, the motor starts to stutter and finally stops.
He tries to start the bike again but to no avail.
Scratching his head, trying to find out what may be the problem, he suddenly hears a voice coming from his right "I think the carburettor's broken..."
The man turns his head to see a cow, munching grass and looking at him. As there's visibly no one else around, the man thinks he imagined the voice but looking back at the cow he now sees her addressing him "I tell you, man, the carburettor's crap on this model..."
Shocked by this first encounter with a talking cow, the man goes to the nearby farm and finds the farmer to which he introduces himself.
"Hi, I was just cruising around and my bike broke down. You'll find this crazy but a cow, the one over there, talked to me. She said... she said the problem was coming from the carburettor".
The farmer looks at him, take a look at the cow, back at the biker and tells the man very seriously "Son, be real... it's a cow... she doesn't know shit about bikes, don't listen to her..."
Previously: ALICE - CHI CHI - VALYA - KASIA - CATHERINE - JOY - LOUISE - ZOYA - LOVE - GRETTA
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