Orgasms Faking
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Orgasms Faking
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I’ve faked 2,000 orgasms in my life—give or take a few. I’m not joking. I’ve done the math: Two thousand divided by 18 years of fucking equals just over a hundred forgeries per year. Yup, sounds about right. I’m not proud of being the Bernie Madoff of orgasms, but it’s the sad, arguably unfeminist truth.
Recently, over dinner, I asked four of my female friends if they’ve ever faked it. They looked at me like I was an idiot. “We’re women,” one replied with an eye roll. “It’s practically a requirement.” LOL? While it’s clearly difficult to get hard data on this, a study published this year in the Archives of Sexual Behavior , which surveyed over a thousand mostly heterosexual American women between the ages of 18 and 94, found that 58.8% had simulated orgasm with a partner. It’s no wonder that whenever a guy tells me no woman ever pulled a Sally with him, I think, You’re an idiot.
Since turning 30 I’ve been in fake-orgasm recovery, and, like most addicts, I look back on my former self with a combination of compassion, regret, and respect for being that dedicated. But if this pervasive fraudulence is quite obviously a net negative for everyone involved, then why do we fake it?
I lost my virginity at 16. Following those momentous 20 seconds, my boyfriend looked at me with an expectant smile. “Did you cum?” he asked. “Uh…yes?” I mumbled, not wanting to spoil the anticlimactic moment. “Sick,” he replied, and then rolled over and passed out.
But back then, cumming wasn’t really the point. Sex was about more important things, like validation, peer pressure, and pissing off my Catholic parents. Plus, simply being naked with someone was thrilling. But the actual “sex” part just felt like inserting a tampon over and over. When I was alone I could make myself cum in like four seconds, but with another person in the room my vagina suddenly had social anxiety. Orgasms were not something just beyond my reach, but rather an abstract concept many galaxies away.
Orgasms were not something just beyond my reach, but rather an abstract concept many galaxies away.
For the next handful of years, I faked it religiously. It was multi-purpose. If some dude was bulldozing my insides, faking it was an effective off-switch. If I was with one of those sweet yet annoyingly persistent “I won’t give up until you cum” guys, I’d throw him a sympathy orgasm to avoid the emotional labor of comforting him afterward. (Sort of like when I fucked annoying art bros, because rejecting them seemed even more exhausting than just getting on with it.) Faking it was for the “benefit” of the guy, but it was also—though I struggled to admit it—for me. Not being able to get there could feel like a failure, and pretending was easier than accepting that my vagina might literally be broken.
And faking it wasn’t limited to orgasms. I also sometimes did this tragic thing where, before sex, I’d go into the bathroom, spit on my hand, then shove it inside me, partially to make the guy think I was super turned on by him, but also so that sex wouldn’t hurt. I was Alice, lubing up the path into a bizarro world of make-believe.
My friend Annabelle knows the implications of faking it better than anyone. Annabelle has worked as an escort for four years, and, in some ways, fakes it for a living. “A lot of guys want their ego stroked,” she told me. “They get off on believing they made a hot woman orgasm. And they always buy it, because they want to buy it.”
But it’s never that simple, is it? “I also get off on the fantasy I sell,” Annabelle said. “I’m very toppy with my clients, which makes me feel sexy and in control, and I think faking it is part of giving good service. I’ve always liked the term entertainer, versus the more common provider or companion. ” And yet, faking it came with a price. She recalled, “I reached a point with work where I couldn’t even tell when I was faking it or not, because I was always overacting.” Like a skilled actress, it was easy to lose herself in a role.
In a way, I relate to that. For many years of my life, sex was largely a performance—deep throating upside down until I got lockjaw and arching my back like a budget Simone Biles. I was so concerned with whether the guy was enjoying sex that I forgot to think about me. If he didn’t leave elated, I told myself it meant I wasn’t hot enough or “good in bed” (whatever that means). It became difficult to untangle what I liked from the ability to provide what he liked. And, annoyingly, I can’t blame men for this.
Meanwhile, the dude was often performing some warped idea of masculinity, slapping my crotch as if sex was a never-ending Brazzers audition. Faking it, it turns out, isn’t exclusively a woman thing.
I had my first orgasm with a guy at 22. After that I could get there occasionally—usually while getting head, squeezing my eyes shut, and focusing on flashbacks of gang bang porn like it was the SATs. At 27, I started dating a woman, and magically—or predictably?—cumming during sex became the norm. I’m not one of those people who blame the patriarchy for everything from office temperature to traffic jams, but I do think that from a young age women internalize the idea that being assertive makes you a bossy, controlling bitch. We are taught that we should sacrifice our needs in favor of a man’s—or else risk pushing him away–slash–dying alone. But with a woman I could suddenly relax. (Plus, the one time I tried to fake it with her, she literally said, “Bitch, are you kidding me?”)
After my girlfriend and I broke up a few years later, I vowed never to go back to my con artist ways. I’d occasionally slip, but faking it started to feel like smoking a cigarette after telling yourself you’re going to quit. My lez relationship was the control group in the experiment of sexual authenticity, and the results were a resounding: What the fuck are you doing?
It’s no secret: Faking an orgasm is like giving your dog a treat after he tears up the sofa. If you pretend to cum when a guy is flicking your clit like it's a stray crumb, then he’s going to keep doing that until eternity—with you, but also with every poor girl who cums after. Essentially, faking it is detrimental to womankind.
It’s also manipulative. In a way, faking it robs your partner of their sexual autonomy. While cheating is widely condemned, faking is a form of sexual deceit that’s weirdly given a pass. But if a guy faked it with me, I’d be so angry. And embarrassed, knowing he thought my ego was so fragile that he needed to lie to protect me. Like, I’m all down for fantasy role play, but only when I’m in on it—otherwise I’d rather be home jerking off to Queer Eye .
While I’ve painted a sad portrait of my sexual youth, it actually wasn’t so bad. Sex most often still felt connected, playful, exploratory, and at times even transcendent. Faking it is complicated, because it genuinely feels good to make your partner feel good. And, as Annabelle pointed out, artifice can feel powerful and exciting (hence lingerie and pretending to have political opinions).
I don’t judge people for faking it. Like any crutch, it’s hard to give up. But personally, the quality of my sex life has increased in direct proportion with my confidence to assert what I do and don’t like in bed (#RocketScience). The moral of the story is that every woman should be gay for at least three years. You’re welcome.
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Now Reading How To Tell If Someone Is Faking An Orgasm
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Even if you haven’t seen the masterpiece that is When Harry Met Sally , you’ve probably seen clips from its notorious “I’ll have what she’s having” scene. It starts with Meg Ryan sitting across from Billy Crystal in a diner.
“Most women, at one time or another, have faked it,” Ryan tells him.
“Well, they haven’t faked it with me.” Crystal says.
She proceeds to fake an intense and convincing orgasm. A diner patron in a Yankees hat turns around with his mouth agape as Ryan screams “Yes, yes, yes.” She’s ooooh-ing and banging on the table one moment, and the next she stops and takes a bite with her fork triumphantly.
The scene will make you cackle — but it’s more significant than simply comedy. It was a major cultural moment for women and sexuality. It brought to the forefront that fact that many women weren’t actually achieving pleasure from sex, says Holly Richmond , Ph.D., a somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist, and a member of the K-Y educational board.
“That was a lovely wake up call for the world that women weren’t orgasming, especially from penetration alone,” Richmond says. “ Harry Met Sally and Sex and The City did so much for women’s sexual empowerment, talking about the orgasm gap , so there could be more scientific-based research on the subject.”
Have things gotten better since 1989, when Harry Met Sally came out?
Richmond says that only about 25 percent of women can achieve orgasm from intercourse alone. However, she says that in today’s world, women have a slightly easier time achieving an actual orgasm, because they’re more likely to ask for what they want than they were 30 years ago when the movie came out. Richmond notes that studies also show that women having sex with another woman or nonbinary people don’t fake it as much.
However, faking it is still pretty common.
“Most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone,” Richmond says. “They need direct clitoral stimulation. But, to ask for what they want can be scary, because we’re culturally conditioned to please our partners. But, by using our voices — saying, ‘can we switch positions or take a break?’ It’s amazing how quickly the learning curve can happen. Most partners are very receptive, and want to honestly know what makes the other person feel good.”
Gigi Engle , certified sex coach, sexologist, and intimacy expert at SKYN , says that women often fake it because they don’t have the language to explain what they need from their partner.
“ We worry about bruising an ego and causing distress in our relationships by speaking up for ourselves," Engle says. “We wind up playing ourselves, in the end, because you end up in a fake orgasm loop. Your partner is in the dark; they think they're doing all the right things due to the faking. Meanwhile, faking an orgasm can lead to resentment, sexual frustration, and other bigger issues in relationships.”
She says it’s important to note that some women experience anorgasmia, which is the inability to orgasm. But this is pretty rare. “Most of the time women don't orgasm because they aren't being properly stimulated,” Engle says.
How can you tell if someone is faking it?
“A lot of women have learned to be really good actresses to hold up cultural standards,” Richmond says. Still, there are a few signs you might look out for if you’re curious about whether or not your partner is faking it.
One sign might be if a woman is orgasming from penetrative sex alone and it’s happening fast. “Research shows it takes 20 minutes on average to reach peak arousal for a woman," Richmond says. “Not to say it can’t happen faster or take longer.”
If you really think your partner might not be feeling all the feels, Richmond recommends gazing into each others eyes and paying attention to your partner’s body language. “Looking in each others eyes during sex gives you a lot of information,” Richmond says.
She also notes that if a penis or a finger is inside is inside a woman, you can sometimes feel the vaginal wall contracting when an orgasm is taking place. “There are mini spasms of the vaginal wall, and if you’re attuned enough, you can feel it,” she explains. “You can also sometimes feel contractions in male bodies.” But not everyone will be able to feel these small convulsions, so don't jump to conclusions. Just know that it’s important to communicate openly and make sure every person feels comfortable and has a good time during sex.
If you do suspect that your partner is faking it, Richmond says you should never accuse them. “I wouldn’t say ‘are you faking it?' I’d say: ‘I’m curious about when you feel the most turned on.’” Richmond says. This isn’t as confrontational, but is a nice way to start the conversation so that you can both achieve pleasure.
Ultimately, it's about mutual respect, listening to your needs and your partner's — and having bomb sex and finishing When Harry Met Sally while cuddling after.
How To Tell If Someone Is Faking An Orgasm - Clues
Photo: Castle Rock/Nelson/Columbia/Kobal/Shutterstock.
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WHILE some women wouldn't bat an eyelid at faking an orgasm, other's would shake their head and demand the real deal.
Famously shown by Meg Ryan in 1989 film When Harry Met Sally , a fake orgasm is surprisingly common.
Research has uncovered the true reason women fake orgasms - and it's both sad and sweet.
The study found that straight women "fake it" to protect their partner’s “perceived manhood” - AKA, to save them from embarrassment .
The more women perceived their partner’s sense of masculinity as fragile, the more they reported faking orgasms.
Women who perceived that their male sexual partner did things just to show he was “a real man” were more likely to agree with statements such as “It worries me that giving my partner sexual feedback might hurt his feelings”.
Their communication, therefore was more strained. Their sexual satisfaction was lower, and therefore orgasms, according to the study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science in January.
“Women are prioritizing what they think their partners need over their own sexual needs and satisfaction,” lead author Jessica Jordan of the University of South Florida said.
She added : “As a young woman, I received a lot of information – from friends, older women, the media – about how to ‘handle’ men, and a piece of advice I commonly heard was to do your best to protect men’s sense of masculinity.”
Pippa Murphy, the sex & relationship expert at condoms.uk , said there are a number of problems with “faking it” - which two-thirds of women claim to have done.
“Firstly, it prevents you from forming an emotional bond with your partner,” she said.
“When you orgasm, your body releases oxytocin otherwise known as ‘the bonding hormone’.
“However, when you take it, this hormone isn’t released so you don’t get to reap the many emotional benefits.
“Similarly, faking it may lead to trust issues if they find out that you’ve been faking it the entire time and, therefore, haven’t had as much of a connection as they had thought.
“Regularly faking orgasms not only creates emotional implications but physical ones, too.
“If you repeatedly fake it, the more you’ll pururate the false belief that you’re enjoying yourself when you’re not. Over time, you’ll start to lose your sex drive, which will make it even harder for you to have a real orgasm in the future.”
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There’s pretty much no benefit of faking an orgams, other than to avoid bruising your partner’s ego (or spend hours stroking it).
So, why not address what’s at the root of this?
You’ve likely already heard that communication is vital in any relationship.
Pippa said couples that communicate in an open and honest way “are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection which naturally leads to better sex”.
But it can still feel incredibly awkward to approach the subject of sex.
Pippa said: “It's important for both partners to express what they want sexually and make sure that each other feels comfortable during sex.
“If you are worried about telling your partner that you don't enjoy sex as much as they do or that they ne
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