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February 23rd 2016
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A perennially aspiring American actor named Jonah Falcon holds the title of the Man With The World’s Hugest Schlong. His massive man-burrito hangs about 9 inches limp and a daunting 13.5 inches when fully hard, which must require so much blood that it makes him dizzy. His organ was so huge, he was stopped and frisked by airport TSA in 2012 due to the massive bulge in his pants.
Although the unlucky gent is not mentioned by name, the smallest erect penis ever recorded measured a scant centimeter, AKA .39 inches. There but for the grace of God go all the rest of us men.
A human giant from the 1800s named Anna Swan stood seven feet and eight inches tall. In 1879 her gigantic vagina birthed the largest infant on record, weighing in at 26 pounds. It’s unclear exactly who measured her vagina, but it clocked in at a staggering 19 inches in circumference. That means the hole itself was larger than six inches in diameter, meaning you could shove a large coffee can inside her vagina with room to spare, assuming that’s your idea of a good time.
In 1933, a Peruvian girl named Lina Medina—hey, that rhymes!—gave birth to her first child. Lina was only five years old at the time. She had begun menstruating at age 3.
In 1991 a Los Angeles woman named Michelle Monaghan had a staggering 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach. Details are sketchy as to exactly how she managed to get that much semen in her stomach in the first place, and I’m not sure I want to know.
The ironically named Mo Ka Wang from Hong Kong lifted 250 pounds two feet off the ground in 1995 using only his penis. Why he wanted to do this, much less have it recorded, is between him and his psychologist.
In 2009, a Russian woman named Tatiata Kozhevnikova dead-lifted a 31-pound weight off the floor using only the steel-trap strength of her vagina. If anyone has her email address, please forward it to me.
California’s Center for Sexual Studies recorded a male having sixteen orgasms in the course of one hour. I simultaneously hate and admire this man.
The same California sex researchers monitored one woman who had 134 orgasms in one hour, which is an orgasm every 26 seconds. Again, if anyone has this woman’s name or email address, kindly forward it to me. It’s for a friend.
Annie Hawkins-Turner goes by the stage name “Norma Stitz”—keep saying it quickly and you’ll get the joke. Her monstrous mammaries are a 102ZZZ, which constitute the largest boobs on record and are likely capable of nursing an entire nation of infants.
At 2004’s World Gangbang Championship in Poland, porn actress Lisa Sparxxx was penetrated by 919 peni in less than 24 hours, shattering not only her lady parts but also the previous world record of 757 peni set the year before.
A robust and hearty man named Horst Schultz once shot his load 18 feet and nine inches—a world record. He also holds the record for the highest ejaculation, blasting a wad in the air at an Old Faithful-sized height of 12 feet and four inches. This sexual dynamo also holds the world record for speediest ejaculation when one of his wads was clocked sailing through the air at 42.7MPH.
In 2006, 250 Japanese couples set the world record for the largest orgy in history as they assembled neatly and were filmed copulating, an event that was captured on DVD for posterity.
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