Orgasm At The Same Time
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Orgasm At The Same Time
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Paisley Gilmour
Sex & Relationships Editor
Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.
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We see couples come together all the time in films, but is that setting unrealistic expectations?
Coming together, orgasming at the same time, getting off in unison, whatever you want to call it, it's a phenomenon we see in films all the damn time. Usually, the couple (always a male/female couple because: heteronormativity) has penetrative sex for approximately three minutes before emitting porny moans and falling into a heap on the nearest bed/sofa/car backseat. There's rarely any clitoral stimulation depicted in these scenes, despite the fact that more than 70 per cent of women and people with vulvas require a bit of clit stuff to reach orgasm. All this to say: we see a lot of mutual, synchronised orgasms in films and on TV , but how often do they actually happen in real life?
A user posted this very question on Reddit, asking the women of AskWomen, "How often are you able to achieve orgasm with a partner at the same exact time?" And the responses were varied and really rather interesting...
1. "Quite often. My husband and I have been together for 14 years now, so we know each other pretty well." [via]
2. "I have only orgasmed in sync with my current partner. It happens maybe 15-20% of the time. What feels good to him, feels good to me so it’s not too hard to match up. I also have multiple orgasms so there are more chances of it." [via]
3. "Never. Although hearing me come makes my partner very horny so he usually orgasms a bit after me." [via]
4. "In my limited experience, if the partner is someone that engages in sex with a goal to see how much pleasure they can give me, exploring my body outside of my genitals, edging , teasing, multiple orgasms , it is often. If the partner engages in sex because it feels good to orgasm, rarely. It also depends on the emotional connection." [via]
5. "Not a lot, I've been sexually active with my current boyfriend for over a year (and have seen him at least couple times a week). I usually have at least a couple orgasms each time we're intimate, but only I think two or three times have we both had them at the same time." [via]
6. "Nearly always with dudes I am very attracted to who are actually into me and have the goal of pleasing their partner during intercourse. I've found it doesn't happen with men who use pornography regularly to masturbate, most of them seem to have trained themselves into paying attention only to a very narrow range of feelings and erotic triggers, so they can only come when sex looks like the porn they watch, which isn't a turn on for me so I can't come at all." [via]
7. "Anytime I want? My orgasms last several minutes so long as I'm stimulated so it's not that hard. I just have to be touching my clit. I usually don't bother at that point because if he's about to come I've already come at least once anyway and I'd rather focus on him." [via]
8. "Extremely rarely. Maybe twice in the last two decades I've been sexually active." [via]
9. "Maybe 10% of the time at the most? And only in one specific position. If you have multiples it’s definitely easier than if you only get one shot. It’s amazing when it happens but it’s not the be all and end all." [via]
10. "I'm in a six year relationship. It's only happened once, just recently!" [via]
11. "My husband and I have had in sync orgasms with each other quite a bit. It doesn't happen all the time but I'd say around 20-30% of the time it happens." [via]
12. "I have never, and likely will never achieve orgasm with a partner." [via]
13. "Pretty often, actually. My husband and I tend to be pretty sexually in sync with each other, and it helps that we're both turned on by the other being turned on. I'd say about 70% of the orgasms I've experienced during sex have been at the same time as him." [via]
14. "Not often. It’s only happened like a dozen times ever. I’m 46." [via]
15. "Maybe every one out of four times. We are very compatible and I have a lot of orgasms. Usually that makes him orgasm too." [via]
16. "I'm 25 and have been with my boyfriend for over five years. We've probably come at the same time less than 10 times in the hundreds (thousands?) of times we've had sex." [via]
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T here are so many things components of sex that movies and television often glamorize, if not get dead wrong. Take, for instance, the situation of having perfect hair and makeup upon waking up the next day, and no one having a problem with morning breath. Also, anyone ever see a sex scene that starts with a lady peeling off her Spanx? Because I sure haven't, and if movies mimicked reality, I sure would. That's just scratching the surface of vignettes perpetuating what I feel to be an unrealistic sexual landscape—and another prominent example that comes to mind? Simultaneous orgasms. In the most PG version, it's depicted by a a couple popping out from under the covers, panting from having both finished—together. (The R-rated version is simply more…detailed.)
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But really, I need to know (and I'm sure I'm not the only curious soul around): How common are simultaneous orgasms in real life—and if they're not, in fact, mythical unicorns of the sex world, how can couples give them a whirl?
The simple answer, according to the experts, isn't actually so simple. It seems that while simultaneous orgasms are possible, they often take a concerted effort to achieve. And since in execution they kind of become a main focus of the entire event, prioritizing them for every encounter can unknowingly deemphasize other aspects of sex, which obviously isn't ideal.
“The reality is that most couples don’t orgasm at the same time during a sexual encounter,” says Los Angeles-based sex therapist Erica Marchand, PhD . But, as sex therapist Hannah Noble of Central Oregon Sex Counseling points out, simultaneous orgasms are certainly achievable, but should be the exception, not the rule. You and your partner finishing at the same time can be “something to playfully dabble in every now and then rather than something to expect happening each time you enter a sexual experience,” she says.
Wants to give simultaneous orgasms a try? First things first, pinpoint how, when, and what makes you orgasm. Noble recommends starting solo, because masturbating allows you to learn what makes you orgasm —and can help provide some hints for doing it with a partner. “What is often an easier route to orgasm simultaneously is to stimulate your clit during intercourse with your partner either via a vibrator or with your own hand,” she says.
And Dr. Marchand agrees. “Intercourse doesn’t provide the clitoral stimulation that most women need to have an orgasm, which is why we usually need to add that in if we’re going to come during intercourse,” she says
Furthermore, simultaneous orgasms don't need to be limited to just penetrative sex. “A much easier way for many to reach simultaneous orgasms would be to do so manually or via mutual masturbation and then communicating about how close you are to coming, so you can time it to happen at the same time,” Noble says.
Even with these helpful hints and tools, reaching orgasm at the same time as your partner can remain something of a challenge. Simultaneous orgasms pose a number of mental and physical roadblocks because orgasms can be, well, finicky.
“[Orgasms are] a little bit like a reflex…but you can’t will or force them to happen. Focusing too hard on orgasm or ‘trying’ to have an orgasm often makes them more elusive.” —sex therapist Erica Marchand, PhD
“Let’s remember the nature of orgasms; they’re an involuntary release of sexual tension,” says Dr. Marchand. “They’re a little bit like a reflex…but you can’t will or force them to happen. Focusing too hard on orgasm or ‘trying’ to have an orgasm often makes them more elusive.”
No matter what you want during sex—including trying to reach orgasm simultaneously—communication is a nonnegotiable. “Communication is essential because you have to be able to tell your partner what you need to have an orgasm,” says Dr. Marchand. “You have to be able to communicate what you do need, whether it’s oral sex, or manual stimulation, or a vibrator, or a longer amount of time...whatever it is.”
Once you know the mechanics of what helps you to reach orgasm, if you so choose, you can then work on your timing together. Also, attitude and disposition are both key for maintaining the stance that what you're doing together caters to intimate desires, not some by-the-books homework assignment: “Is it approached with an attitude of playfulness and curiosity? Or is there a rigid expectation that this is what makes ‘sex ‘good’?" Noble asks. "Are both partners in agreement that this is a fun sexual experience?”
Actually discuss these questions with your partner because being in communication is what will make for better sex. After all, even if you don’t finish together, you’re still reaching the same goal .
Have a sex drive that doesn't match your partner's? Here are implications of a sky-high libido and also expert tips for revving up a lower one .
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