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I want to remind everyone that I started being a “bedroom/sexual submissive”. I have lived D/s-M for almost 5 years now and never lived in a “slave lifestyle/dynamic”. While I have had many slave dynamic blog friends in the past, most of them have been single and NOT married. I have had many a slave/submissive here on the site. They were willing to share with me their dynamics. This is what I have learned from them.
Sometimes the term slave and submissive are interchanged but do not confuse those terms as they are very different. Many ladies started as slaves but ended up changing over to D/s-M submission. I have yet to see a married/slave dynamic work more then a 2-year span. Why, well with a marriage, a healthy marriage dynamic, let’s start with slavery as defined; The state or condition of being a slave; a civil relationship whereby one person has absolute power over another and controls her life, liberty, and fortune, the subjection of a person to another person, Being forced into work or the condition of being subject to some influence or habit also referring to work done in harsh conditions for low pay. All of these seem to be negative, therefore not healthy done inside a marriage. You are only a SLAVE if you exactly live this definition. Secondly, it is almost impossible for a person/Master to possibly control someone’s every move in this day and age. Thus, couples burn out quickly in this dynamic. Everything is done for the Master’s pleasure in this dynamic.
A slave is a separate dynamic then a submissive. A slave holds no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Master. Some consider themselves the property of their Masters. Every aspect of the slave’s life may be controlled by the Master. The Master works with-in the preset limits established at the start of the relationship . The slave does not get to take advantage of things like sitting in a chair instead of on the floor, choosing your own clothes each day, or listening to their favorite music. These things serve as a reward to a slave, only given when the Master feels that the slave deserving of it. You have no rights as a slave. Every part of your day is controlled by your Master.
*** I must advise every person who leads a slave dynamic… Please still use safe words.. In the beginning please put that in your contracts and terms of service. Your contract is a negotiation that is between both individuals entering the contract. Not controlled by the Master only. Make sure your contract has a re-negotiation date… 3 months or 6 months maximum. You may have to endure things not thought of until your renegotiation date comes around. Enter this dynamic carefully and thoughtfully. I encourage you to look online and see what is out there an example perhaps of another’s slave contract. Make sure you cover ALL YOUR BASES!
A slave is not the same as the Domestic Discipline or Taken in Hand dynamics either, another post for another day.
Now, there is such a thing as “slave play”, which are rituals and play that D/s-M submissives and Dominants can use in their daily dynamics, scenes, and playtimes. You can find many ways to show ownership, bells, chain, verbal commands etc….. Make it fun, safe & consensual. Leave us some ideas subbies as part of your comments to this post.
All dynamics are different when done inside a marriage. Some things will apply differently to different situations. One thing in common, all dynamics must be done consensually. You can have a lifestyle that makes you both stronger and your marriage stronger. You both can achieve a level of understanding that not many can reach. It takes two to attain these relationships. Teamwork is the key to having it. One-half can not make the whole. Sometimes, these dynamics will not work for some and that is ok. Some take a long time to understand how to play their role and that’s ok as well. Beware… This can be the beginning of the fairytale or it can be the beginning of the end. Domination and submission will not work until you purge and sweep the foundation/slate clean . LOVE, TRUST, HONEST COMMUNICATION and RESPECT have to live in your house for this to work. It will show up very quickly if those three things are not fully still intact. Being honest, sometimes even brutally is paramount in progressing in this lifestyle. It always helps to have your partner, Dominant or Master to register on a site helping them understand their roles and how to make the correct and healthy atmosphere. Please ask them to sign up at www.husDOM.com .
Again, this is my experience and information I have obtained over the last 5 years. Not every dynamic is the same or can be made to be the same… Take what you will and apply it to where you need to.
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We embrace the flavor, scene, play ..Servitude, Sexual BDSM/slavery! It started for us reading some Fiction books… Its another Flavor of my submission, I embrace freely give to my Sir. OOOO one very romantic thing ..that I luv…feeds /Rocks Sir ….gently kissing the rim of his glass before I serve him ! The deeper we travel the more we discover ! No whipping, I have a voice , mmmm salve bells for fun ; YES ! Thank you for all you DO !
There is such a thing as slave play…. It means just that, it’s rituals or play that would make you feel as your a slave, but it is NOT your actual dynamic or definition of your lifestyle. It is activities to add to your play as Curvey suggested. You can add some flavor to your D/s-M with some “slave play”. Maybe I should do a post on that… HUGS to all!
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Not everyone gets BDSM, but those of us who do understand it as the perfect middle ground between pure lust and true love.
When you “play” with a partner you get a strong emotional connection, an intense rush, and some even say a blissful or out-of-this-world climax.
But what are the best fetish websites and BDSM sites out there?
Here we’re going to discuss the best BDSM fetish dating sites, as well as a general introduction to the lifestyle and the community.
We chose Adult Friend Finder as our #1 pick because it offers the largest fetish community and lets you search for an endless number of sexual niches with its forum option.
There’s also a social media feature so you can post all about your kinks and experiences.
Adult Friend Finder is the most thriving kink website and that certainly matters when dealing with the BDSM lifestyle. You don’t want to be a lone wolf!
Add video chat, swingers, threesomes, and LGBTQ+ friendliness into the mix, and you’ve got a winner!
Fetlife is the most popular free dating site for kinksters and like-minded people.
The site offers free chat, photos, video, and an easy social network-style layout that lets you search for kinks and add friends or follow members who are into the same lifestyle.
There have been many sites like FetLife, but none measure up to this juggernaut of the kinkster community.
Fetlife also introduced a mobile FetLife app recently, which offers notifications, messaging from the site, a stealth mode for public viewing, and even a Discover option for nearby events. Nice!
Alt.com is one of the largest BDSM dating website communities. Alt offers photo trading, fetish dating, swingers and couples, and even member cameras. You can join for free and start looking around for your kink and other users into the same stuff.
Alt.com offers amateur chat as well as experienced doms and dommes for the complete BDSM adventure. You can also extend your search to countries across the world and find like-minded kinksters anywhere .
Ashley Madison is not necessarily a fetish website, but it is probably the most discreet place on the internet for a married affair .
You can run a search on a specific kink or you can search locally to see who’s nearby and what their favorite kink is.
While the site doesn’t do kink matches, talking about your kink to a new friend is one of the best ways to start a strictly sexual relationship .
With over 900,000 members, BDSM.com is a sex-positive website with a fast-growing community of fetishists.
Here, you can find over 340 groups devoted to unique kinks, including FemDom, bound and gagged, high heels and boots, no limits roleplay, and kinky and geeky.
Let’s just say there are kinky girls and guys aplenty.
You can form your own group, and check out over 250,000 member videos. Give it a try!
Seeking.com is not a kink matching site by design, but it caters to one popular niche – the sugar daddy spoiling his sugar baby.
Ideally, you need some cash to splash.
Oftentimes that sugar dynamic turns into dom/sub or master/slave kinks, especially with the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey.
More than a website – Fetish.com is a portal to the greater BDSM community. At Fetish.com, the site’s primary feature is offering maps to local MUNCHES which are PG-rated meetup groups for everyone.
Membership is free and you can browse forums, chat, and take your search almost anywhere in the world. The site offers a combination of community and dating/matching.
The Fantasy App, not to be confused with Fantasy.com, is an app exclusively for polyamorous and open marriage relationships.
There’s no need to ask about marital status, but you can be assured that everyone here believes in ethical dating, safety, health, and reciprocity.
Whiplr has a growing community with over 1.2 million members, 600,000 photos, and 50,000 chats and video calls.
The community offers a variety of fetishes, including newcomers, cuckholders, masters, slaves, and 24/7 slave-master setups. The site also sponsors fetish meetups across the world.
KinkD is an app that matches together kinksters and BDSM users, while also offering a social network for all its users.
Whether you’re single, a couple, or swingers, you can join, post on walls, chat, view stories, meet up, and even follow the most popular users in the community.
Things can get very specific here, from threesomes to even Christian or Jewish BDSM.
Kinkoo started in 2017 but it’s getting along nicely, with a vetted community that weeds out spammers and fakes, and also matches users together using its own algorithm.
The site also offers education and kink feeds for each user, which serves as an icebreaker, as well as the introduction of a soft or hard limit.
Fetster is a free kinkster website that operates as both a social network and a meetup group.
Extreme fetishes are all over, from cuckolds to CBT, pegging, master-slave, rope-play, suspension, deprecating, caging, and spanking .
Search locally, or by city, start chatting, and no premium membership is required.
You can even make your own groups if you don’t find one you like – that’s an excellent feature for specific kinks and fetishes.
Reddit is one of the easiest sites to use, given that it’s free and has a laid-back personal ad posting approach to its community.
The Fetish Reddit community has 145,000 users and even has active subgroup moderation.
You can tag your ad and post by location, age, and whatever kink you’re looking for. Reddit’s best feature? The personal ad can change to an active chat with just one click.
Literotica is known as more of a sexting dating site and a bit of an old website since they haven’t bothered updating their layout since the turn of the century.
But it’s one of the best places to meets fellow kinksters solely because of the huge free archive of erotic fiction available onsite.
BDSM is a very general term referring to a broad community of people who have very specific sexual preferences or even non-sexual kinks.
You will experience intense emotional highs, similar to love, but with a much more diverse view of relationships and commitment.
BDSM can be summarized by 4 distinct ideas:
First things first, nobody wants to play with a dangerous psychopath who doesn’t understand that BDSM is a game and not a literal dungeon of doom.
That’s why the best and only way to start a conversation with a new friend is to talk like a normal human being and speak the language of your fellow kinksters.
That means being safe, sane, and consensual . No method acting in the beginning – there’s no need to audition or impress. Be friendly and approachable and then explore the kinks you have in common.
Sessions of play are sometimes called “scenes” requiring a Dom, Sub, or Switch. If a website asks you whether you’re a Dom, Sub, or Switch, this means whether you like to be:
Despite what you would assume, the Receiver/Sub is usually the one who directs “the scene.”
Dominants are trying their best to give pleasure to the submissive so that the submissive will keep using a Dom’s services. Successful negotiation increases trust and partners can closely bond together after so many sessions.
BDSM players do not like an abusive or arrogant Dom that doesn’t understand the psychology or responsibility of directing the scene. Bad Doms who don’t know what they’re doing are often shunned from the community, so be careful!
Speaking of rules, trust is easy to promise but sometimes hard to live up to. Don’t assume you can improvise. Stick to the system of hard/soft limits to avoid making an enemy for life.
If someone mentions any of these phrases when discussing fantasies, pay close attention:
The easiest way to join the BDSM community is to not make a big dramatic scene, but rather to introduce yourself in the forum discussions, search for your kinks, like photos or member posts, and request to follow or chat with someone interesting.
Still, be careful not to be too pushy when you first start. There’s no need to score a date the first night or even the first week of joining the community. Just chill and get to know people first.
This can be tricky because some financial interactions are perfectly legal (i.e. webcam work, being a Domme, or escorting for companionship ), but others are not, namely prostitution.
Even “consensual financial domination” (sending money for doms to insult you) is a legitimate thing.
However, if someone volunteers to meet you and do “anything” for financial compensation, be very suspicious. Follow your instincts and don’t run off with new members who have no connections in the community.
Here are the 7 mistakes I see guys make the most:
It’s encouraged to sign a contract beforehand, and not just a symbolic contract.
A literal bondage contract shows each other that you respect the agreed-upon boundaries and are willing to oversee the safety of your partner at all times.
While Fetlife came very close to reaching #1, it just falls short of Adult Friend Finder ’s variety, ease of use, and exciting social media interface.
Still, Fetlife is free to use and has a mobile app version which is very handy.
But our research saw AdultFriendFinder had the biggest community and the most sexual niches to choose from .
Whichever website you end up using, remember to
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