One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

One Thing Men Want More Than Sex
Jed Diamond, Ph.D., is the Founder and Director of MenAlive, a health program that helps men live long and well. Though focused on men’s health, MenAlive is also for women who care about the health of the men in their lives. Jed is the author of 14 books including his latest: The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come.
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How many times have we heard the phrase about men and sex that “All men want is sex?”
When I was 17-years-old I was sure it was true. When I was 37-years-old, I suspected it might not be true. And now that I’m 73-years-old, I know it’s not true. Now don’t get me wrong, sex can be wonderful at any age, but there’s something that is more important than sex, but it’s something that men have difficulty admitting and women have difficulty giving.
This understanding has dawned on me slowly and became most evident to me in my men’s group. I’ve been meeting regularly with six other guys for 38 years and sex has been a topic that has run through our discussions over the years. Like all guys, we are somewhat competitive and we all want to be seen as successful, but we also have learned to be honest with each other. We not only talk about our sexual successes, but also our failures, fears, and confusions.
From the time I was a young, I learned that wanting sex was synonymous with being a man. In high school, I remember overhearing a girl I liked talking about a guy we both knew. She wasn’t complaining that he was preoccupied with sex, but that he “didn’t come on to me like other guys do.” She went on to tell her girlfriend, “He’s not being very manly.” The message was clear, “real men” want sex and if you don’t “come on” to a girl, you’re not a real man.
This early lesson was validated through the years: Always wanting sex is the mark of manliness for many. It’s better to be turned down again and again and be seen as a jerk who is totally preoccupied with sex than to want something more than sex and be seen as “less than a man.”
We’ve all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved . Let’s look more deeply at what it is exactly that men are getting when they get sex. Sure, there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is being satisfied. I call it the need for a safe harbor.

The world of men is a world of competition. On the most basic level, males compete with other males for access to the most desirable females. Males make the advances and females decide which males they will accept. Sure, in modern times these roles are less rigid than they once were, but for the most part, whether we’re peacocks or people, we strut our stuff and hope it’s good enough to get us chosen by the woman we go after.
Getting taken into her body gives us a sense of peace and homecoming that goes way beyond simple sexual pleasure. Of course, I’m talking about heterosexual men here. There’s a similar dynamic in the gay world, but here I’ll focus on men and women.
Many of us remember the early school dances we attended. If you wanted to hold a girl in your arms, you had to make the long walk across the room with everyone watching and ask the girl to dance. If she accepted, you were in heaven. If she refused you were in hell. The key here is that you must make yourself vulnerable to rejection to hold and be held by a girl.
By the time we become adults, we’ve already been battered and bruised by the world of competition and rejection. We long for that safe harbor where we don’t have to pretend to be something we’re not in order to be chosen. We long for someone who sees us for who we are and wants us anyway, who can hold us and touch, not just our body, but our hearts and souls.
What we really want is a safe harbor where we can take refuge, relax, and be cared for. In other words, we want the feeling of being nurtured that most of us didn’t get enough of when we were children. But admitting these needs makes us feel like little boys, not big strong men. Better to be manly with our sexual desire and then once we’re inside her body, we can relax, be ourselves, and be infused with love. That’s the hidden desire we have when we have sex.
One of the things I love getting from my wife, Carlin, is to lay in her lap and have my scalp rubbed. This is one, wonderful, safe harbor. I don’t need to have sex in order to have this need satisfied. I just have to ask for it. Here, I’m being touched deeply, accepted completely. I don’t have to perform or prove myself. I just must be willing to be deeply vulnerable.
Just as it’s difficult for men to ask to be held, nurtured, and touched; it’s often difficult for women to give that kind of intimacy. There are three main reasons, which are often subconscious:
It takes a lot of time and maturity for men to admit to themselves that they need a safe harbor where they can be nurtured and embraced by a woman. It takes a lot of courage to let his woman know he may want sex, but more important is his need for security, love, and nurture. It requires a level of wisdom to know that allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable as a child may be the manliest thing a man can do.
For a woman, she must also go beyond her own conditioning and be open to a man who is making himself vulnerable in new ways. She must have a great deal of self-love and self-confidence to accept being a safe harbor. She must also have the strength to protect herself when his shame at being vulnerable turns to anxiety , anger , or depression . It isn’t easy for men and women to take these kinds of risks, but the payoff is a lifetime of deepening love and intimacy.
**This piece about men and sex originally appeared on MenAlive.com .
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Are a few minutes of your day worth attracting love?
We’ve all been taught by the media that all men think about is sex. Of course, this may be true for a percentage of the male population, however, there is something that almost all men need more than sex… even more than love… and it’s something that most women DON’T give men.
Now, I know this may seem sexist or a bit harsh, but I’m not saying that if you respect him, he doesn’t have to respect you . I’m simply making the observation that this is what a man requires from his partner to feel the type of bond and devotion that lasts a lifetime.
Make sure it’s a GENUINE compliment . As in, don’t say something nice if you don’t mean it. For example, don’t say that you’ve noticed he’s gained a ton of bicep muscle when he so obviously hasn’t.
Instead, take a step back and really observe your man… see what you like and what you appreciate, and say it! Pretty simple, but love doesn’t have to be rocket science.
Most women will only give a man respect once he earns it. While this is rational, giving your man respect FIRST will not only encourage to act more chivalrous and caring around you, but he’ll also love you for it as well.
Respecting him means that he’ll be willing and wanting to respect you as well… and what woman wouldn’t want that?! By doing this, you’re effectively creating a positive feedback loop… the more respect you give, the better he acts. And the better he acts, the more willing you’ll be to give him the thing that he wants more than anything!
I know it’s hard to do, but by lashing out and belittling your man , you effectively force him to be repulsed by you.
In a recent study, 75% of men admitted that they feel like they are unsure of themselves. You may not feel like your man genuinely thinks this way, but men are brought up in a society to “be a man” and that if you don’t live life in a particular way, that you are somehow less for it.
So when your man makes a mistake, the way for him to fix that mistake isn’t to make him feel like less of a man… the best way to get him to change a certain behavior is to support him .
So remember ladies… the next time you want to yell out “What’s the matter with you?” or “Can’t you do anything right?”… try and support your man instead. You’ll be glad you did.
Now this is where you can really shine.
Touch him during heightened states of appreciation . That means that when you compliment or support your man, hold his arm or hand when you’re doing it. By doing so, you give the immediate impression that you mean what you say. You’ll also condition him to associate your touch with feelings of love and admiration… and this is totally based on science!
In my free video presentation , I go through covert, psychological body language cues that force a man to become almost emotionally addicted to you. And one of the ways to do this is to use your body language.
Again, go to my website to learn the full method , but here are some body language tips you can use now…
This seems like a little thing to do, but if your man goes out of his way to do something for you, thank him. Say sorry every time you’ve done wrong to him and you know it’s your fault. You’ll be shocked and amazed when you realize that he’ll start treating you the same way in return.
Keep in mind that these 5 tips aren’t an exhaustive – there are many more tips to inspire his devotion here .
Coach Amy North specializes in breakups, marital issues, and dating for women, and offers relationship coaching to clients from around the world.
Her background in both psychology and journalism makes Amy a highly sought-after relationship expert. With thousands of subscribers and millions of views, her popular YouTube channel has become a smash hit with women all over the world.
Find out the 7 sneaky blocks keeping you from manifesting an amazing, happy, connected relationship and exactly what you can do about them, starting immediately. Even if you’re single or “it’s complicated.”

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by

Lachlan Brown

updated April 14, 2021, 11:31 am

It’s no secret that most men only want sex, right?
Well it turns out that’s not only wrong, but that thinking may actually be the root of many failed relationships.
Because if your relationship is not the biggest source of happiness and joy in your life…
If you’re not getting the love, attention and affection that you deserve…
Or if the men in your life seem to lose interest out of nowhere leaving you confused and hurt…
…Then you need to delve deep into the male mindset and understand what men REALLY want .
And I think the biggest reason why relationships fail every day is that most women simply don’t know the number one thing all men crave…
There is one secret male obsession that is the key to being truly irresistible to a man… in a way that goes far beyond physical attraction.
And when you know it, you’ll never struggle to keep a man interested or connected on a deep emotional level the way most women do.
Thousands of women who discovered this one male desire have used it to turn hopeless situations into the life fulfilling romantic relationships.
Once you discover this one missing “secret ingredient” to lasting love and devotion… You’ll be able to emotionally “click” with men in a way that few women can. He won’t pull away, he’ll stop acting distant and he’ll be there for you when you need him.
So, what is it that men really want?
The hero instinct is a fascinating new concept that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment.
I first came across it 6 months ago when I read a book by James Bauer.
And I think it holds the key to making a man fall in love with you and committing to a relationship over the long haul.
Now, you probably have a picture in your mind about what a ‘hero’ is.
In Hollywood movies a hero is usually a man who is strong, brave, and full of integrity. He wants to take center stage and save the people who are important to him.
Rest easy, the key to a man’s affection is not to turn him into Thor…
What the hero instinct really is about is the basic biological urge men have to step up to the plate for a woman.
If you’ve spent any time with a man, you’ll instantly realize that this all makes a lot of sense. Men come in all shapes and sizes, but the primal urge to be a hero to provide for and protect women is common to us all.
The simple truth is that your man doesn’t necessarily want to be an action hero.
Relationship psychologist and best-selling author James Bauer developed the concept of the hero instinct.
He introduces it in his best-selling book, His Secret Obsession . In this book, James tackles the problems that are affecting women everywhere, including:
I read His Secret Obsession cover to cover and you can read my comprehensive review of the book here.
James Bauer is the real deal. After working with private clients for 12 years, and studying relationship psychology deeply, he realized that the hero instinct is the key to a happy and long-lasting relationship between men and women.
Thousands of women are already using the psychology behind the hero instinct to transform their failing relationships into the romances they’ve always dreamed of.
And countless other women are using them to hook great guys from the very first time they meet.
Writing His Secret Obsession, and his discovery of the hero instinct, has catapulted James Bauer into being one of today’s leading relationship experts.
In this video, James Bauer talks more about the hero instinct and how you can trigger it in your man.
I don’t want to give to much away, because James Bauer explains it better than anyone, but my take is that hero instinct boils down to this:
Instead of making your guy feel unessential, you need to make him feel wanted and needed.
Now this doesn’t mean you need to come across as weak. Although you may not need a hero, you do want a man who feels like one.
He wants to have your back. He wants to be your rock.
The alternative is that a man who is in a relationship where his hero instinct isn’t triggered is much less likely to stay in that relationship.
The video I mentioned above explains everything you need to know about the hero instinct, including exactly how to trigger it in your man.
Triggering the hero instinct is not about silly mind games.
It’s about empowering men to be the best version of themselves, which will ultimately lead to a better relationship between the two of you.
If you are looking for sly tricks to get a man’s attention or manipulate his feelings, then this is not for you.
There is plenty of stuff like that out there. But I think most women are looking for something more genuine.
Something special that will last the test of time.
Something that will empower you to create real desire in a man and the kind of emotional bond that life partnerships are built upon.
If that’s you then you should check out the video.
I’ve just scratched the surface here about what the hero instinct really is.
If you think that learning more about the hero instinct can help you, then I highly recommend you read His Secret Obsession for yourself.
His Secret Obsession is a deeply practical guide to modern relationships with simple, easy to action strategies you can use to trigger the hero instinct in your man.
After reading the book, you will be armed with everything you need to know to:
If you’re struggling to get a man to commit or want a better relationship, His Secret Obsession will be the last dating book you ever need to read.
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.
I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life . If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter .

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Paul Brian

November 4, 2022, 12:00 pm

by

Pearl Nash

November 2, 2022, 3:16 pm

by

Pearl Nash

updated October 31, 2022, 6:55 am

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Kiran Athar

October 20, 2022, 7:51 am

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Louise Jackson

October 13, 2022, 9:48 am

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Pearl Nash

October 12, 2022, 2:17 pm
Hack Spirit is one of the leading authorities providing practical and accessible relationship advice. It was founded by Lachlan Brown in 2016.
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