Old And Young Family Sex
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Old And Young Family Sex
So, My 10-Year-Old Daughter Learned About Sex at a Sleepover
January 11, 2019
by Rachel Sobel
My immediate gut reaction was one of anger mixed with sadness because I didn't get to handle this milestone conversation on my terms and on my timeline.
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We're pretty open with our 10-year-old daughter, but if I'm being honest, the topic of sex makes us all a little antsy. As real as I like to keep it, there's always that quest to strike the balance between maintaining some sense of childhood innocence and making sure our kids are armed with realistic information about how the world works. Conversations about sex and relationships have been swirling for the last couple of years, and for a long time my lame explanation about how God "just puts a baby in your body when you're ready" was working just fine. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but I was trying to buy time and preserve my little girl's naïve mindset before she turned into a full-fledged tween .
In all of our conversations about sex, we had not yet discussed the actual logistics of what happens. When it first came up, I used the old trick given to me by a psychologist who told me that when a child asks questions, particularly about the tough stuff , ask a question back instead of bombarding them with information from the start. For example, ours went like this:
"Mommy, what is sex?"
"What do you think it is, kiddo?"
"Making out naked?"
"You're not wrong."
That was the beginning. The tip of the iceberg. She didn't want more info at that point, so I didn't push. I just told her that these were very important conversations and we would discuss it more whenever she wanted. She told me I was like the moms on TV who said things like, "You can come to me with anything." And I told her that is 100 percent correct (even though she meant it as a slight insult).
I'm not dumb. I know our kids know more than we think they do, and much earlier than we're prepared. But I wanted these conversations to be somewhat organic. There wasn't a serious sit down. No pre-planned birds and bees conversation using props or dolls. Instead, I decided to keep it low key, reinforce that the communication loop was open 24/7, and I would always be honest in answering any questions she brought to the table.
And then she went to a sleepover at a friend's house.
I'm sure there were movies and cookies and tons of giggles, as there usually are, but this time, there was something else that I was blindsided by. My daughter came home from the sleepover, and before we even got in the door, blurted out that she knows what sex is and how babies are made . Calmly (even though I kind of wanted to throw up), I asked her what she knew. Without pause and with undeniable confidence like she just solved one of life's greatest mysteries, she told me that the man and woman rub up on top of each other naked and the man's privates fit into the woman's privates and then they make a baby. She also added that if you didn't want to have a baby, you just "throw a towel over the man's privates."
I sat there stunned for a minute just trying to wrap my head around what just happened and where to start with my response, but she gave me no time. She asked if she was right and reminded me that I told her I would always be honest . So, in so many words, I told her she nailed it, except the towel part, which I explained and told her that this was the beginning of a much bigger conversation. When I asked how she came upon this new information, she told me that the girls at the sleepover had a book their parents bought them all about sex and having babies and they read it cover to cover. God knows how many times. I can seriously picture the look on her face and her little head exploding at this new discovery.
I'll be honest and tell you that my immediate gut reaction was one of anger mixed with sadness because I didn't get to handle this milestone conversation on my terms and on my timeline. But then, once I thought about it, I was a little bit thankful, actually. This very necessary conversation was pushed to the forefront and happened earlier than it would have if I did it my way. And since my daughter was the one initiating it , I think she was so much more engaged than if I had brought it up instead. I couldn't fault these parents for having a book in their home for their kids. It wasn't porn. It wasn't offensive. It was educational and age-appropriate and frankly, gave me the push I needed to address the topic of sex instead of hiding behind bullsh*t cover ups.
I don't know what's coming next, but I know that my daughter feels comfortable coming to me and all I can do is facilitate that feeling as she grows and enters more difficult territory. So, thank you to the parents who hosted the sleepover, but if you could give me a heads-up about what else is in that library so I can mentally prepare, that would be great!
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Can hardly believe I'm writing this but after a week of hardly no sleep and relationship at breaking point, I need more outside advice. My daughter turns 14 in December. At the beginning of May this year, 5 months ago, she started her first relationship. This boy is 2 school years above her, it works out about 18 months older than her. They had been "talking" on and off for about 6 months prior to going official, so by the time they went official, they were already pretty close. I met him almost immediately, we are a large, close family and I always wanted my kids partners to be welcomed and for us all to get on. Especially with her only being 13, I needed and wanted to get to know this person well, who she was starting to spend a lot with. I am a very open and honest mum and have always spoke openly with my kids about anything they wanted to talk about.. My thinking has always been, if they are asking, they are wanting to know, and if they can't ask me, they will ask someone else, who may not know themselves. I warmed immediately to this boy and he fit really easily into the family. It was like he'd always been here. I genually care about him. I spent a lot of time with my daughter and boyfriend, we all got on great. We were always chatting about anything and everything. I was able to speak openly to both of them about her only been 13 and said that they could come to me about anything and I would be supportive. They both constantly reassured me that they weren't ready for anything sexual and they felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they felt things were progressing. I must admit, I found myself stressing out numerous occasions, worrying about what if etc and when this happened, I would speak to them about what was on my mind. I truly, 100% believed that I had done everything in my power, to connect with two love struck teenagers and constantly prided myself on the fact that we had a great relationship. I felt lucky that my daughters first love, wasn't an absolute nightmare, but a boy who genually wanted us to like him and be part of the family. Last Wednesday night I was driving him home, only us two as my daughter wasn't feeling well, when out of the blue he said he needed to tell me something. He confessed that they were having sex. That they had been the entire time and he couldn't carrying on lying to me anymore. He said that by the time he met me and got to know me, they had already had sex and by the time he realised they could of actually talked to me, the lies had got bigger and it was too much. Also my daughter had promised him never ever to tell me as I would stop them seeing each other. Apparently a condom broke on them (don't even believe they have been using them) and they had to do a pregnancy test. My world literally stopped that night. I felt like I was in another universe. I can't believe this is happening to us. The amount of lies my daughter has told me, is actually unforgivable. I just can't look at her in the same way at all. We just don't lie and the amount of lies she's told me, is just totally heartbreaking. I've spoke to her once about it, I was calm, matter of fact and blunt. When I really wanted to slap her, scream in her face and call her every name under the sun. She didn't speak just listened and then went upstairs crying. The next day I took her to our doctors, who put her on the pill and I made her do a pregnancy test, which was thankfully negative. We haven't spoken since. I just can't. And she hasn't tried. My hurt is running so deep inside me, it's like its changed me and how I feel about her. I've asked the boyfriend not to come round as seeing them here together just reminds me of what I thought we all had, and the amount of lies they have told. I have still been allowing her to his house, which is causing me some dilemma. I don't want to ban them seeing each other as they go to the same school anyway, plus they are that consumed with each other, I worry if I push them apart, they may do something stupid. I just can't see a way forward at all. The boyfriend has contacted me since and strangely enough, although I'm angry and upset they have done this so young, and the lies he has told me hurt, I can actually see his point of view. He was in a difficult position and not many 15 year olds would confide in their girlfriends Mum about this, I don't think. It's just the daughter. When I'm dropping her off, I'm thinking about, am I dropping her off for sex? When I'm picking her up, I'm thinking has she been having sex. Doing her washing and seeing a mark, thinking is it semem. I feel like I'm truly loosing my mind and can't think straight. Does anyone ever accept the fact their kids are having underage sex? Anyone that has gone through this and come out the other side, I would so appreciate your advise. This is the longest we have gone not speaking and I don't know how we can ever get it back.
Hi Kirsty, sorry but reading this it really seems you are the third wheel in their relationship. I think you need to back off a little, it's done now, you can't turn back time and erase the fact they have been having sex. I think it's amazing that actually you have taken this boy in and while yes she is 13, she is having sex in a relationship and now, protected. You will never be able to stop them having sex I'm afraid unless you break them up! Which i wouldn't say is the best idea. Life is too short not to speak to your daughter. Lots of teenagers are out sleeping around and doing whatever and she isn't!
Hi, I agree with Sarah. What's done is done now and don't let this get in the way of the fantastic relationship you have with them both. At least you know him and she's in a caring and loving relationship. Would you rather it happened this way or when she was older with someone you've never met or just doing it because everyone else was. I know it's easier said than done to let it go but I'm sure she couldn't tell you as she didn't know how you'd react or she didn't want to hurt you. Talk to her and trust her, it'll make your relationship even stronger. The last thing you want her to do is to start deliberately lying to see him. My mum was devastated when she found out I was having sex. She too found out through my then boyfriend. She was more hurt I didn't tell her and I didn't tell her because I wanted to stay her little girl. And now, we're so close - I tell her everything I still even now in my thirties want to be my mums little girl and hate disappointing her x You will get through this x
I'm sorry you are going though this. I would find it very hard with a 13 year old having sex too. But I don't agree that it's the norm nowadays.
Agree with above, you shouldn't push her away now. It's done, she obviously felt too scared or ashamed to tell you. And although I thinks it's FAR to young, you've done the right thing getting her on contraception. Good on him for being sensible (ha) enough to tell you before she did end up getting pregnant, give him abit of credit for being honest. I also think if this was my daughter I would rather she were having safe sex, she's going to do it whether you like it or not. But in saying that, I can imagine how you must feel, I would want to lock my daughter in her room!!
Your 13 year old sounds to be in a wonderful relationship which is rare for their age - going on a year long! Sure they had sex, but as much as you want to be open with your mum it's pretty embarrassing to find the right time and say they've done it - especially at such a young age. They dug themselves into a hole, one came clean, and now she's protected and you're aware. So move on? She knows you're mad she lied, but honestly she was in a pretty awkward situation. Teenagers hide stuff even if they don't need to, they're hormonal and they're embarrassed and as cool as parents say they will react - they might be scared of how you will actually react when it's told. They both clearly wanted to tell you but had dug themselves into such a hole, and then when the truth finally comes out you want to slap her? You're scaring her off from telling you stuff in the future, when instead you should be saying how glad you are that the truth is out etc etc. Stop punishing your daughter for being a teenager .
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Hi Kirsty, I think you have handled the situation very well. I would be the same, absolutely devastated at the lies and deceit - more so than the act itself maybe? These types of threads are always very divisive, some people think that 13 isn't too young, as if it's happened, it's happened. Personally I think it's way too young. I know it does happen, but at 13 it's not the norm. Most teenagers that age do not have sex. You can only go with what you believe is right. Personally I would stop her visiting his house, yes they can see each other in school, but that would be enough until she is older. If they are meant to be, they will still be together in a years time when she us 15 and you might reconsider. If he is as mature as he sounds, he will be ok with this. Good luck.
Thank you everyone for their comments. Must admit some felt qu
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