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Dear Ann Landers: I hope you can help me with an unusual problem. My teen-age daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She assured me there would be no boys present.
I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party. While the mother admitted the idea was strange, she said she would be present during the party to supervise. She also said her husband and teen-age son would be away for the weekend, so there would be no males present in the house. She assured me that nude slumber parties are all the rage these days.
I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would want to spend 12 hours together stark naked. Any ideasfi — Baffled Mom in Burlingame, Calif.
Dear Mom: I’m as baffled as you are. While walking around nude may be an interesting experiment, and sleeping nude has long been popular, I cannot imagine the appeal of doing either with a bunch of other girls in close quarters.
As long as you trust the mother of these girls to supervise for the duration of the party, I see no harm in it. Meanwhile, ask your daughter why she finds this such an attractive idea. You might learn something.
Dear Ann Landers: I read the letter from “Out of Gas in Grand Rapids, Mich.,” whose wife doesn’t drive. He said he had to take her everywhere. I have a different explanation for her behavior. I suspect this woman is an alcoholic.
The love of my life steadfastly refused to learn to drive. Too late, I discovered she was a secret drinker who consumed a great deal of alcohol by noon. She was afraid to get behind the wheel of a car. Refusing to drive also gave her an excuse to stay home, surrender to her depression and drink herself to death. Like “Out of Gas,” I avoided confrontations because I did not want to fight over something I foolishly considered trivial. Now, she is gone.
The woman who wrote to you doesn’t need a bus pass, she needs an intervention. For her sake, he MUST confront her. I did not confront my wife, and I grieve to this day. — Missed the Signs in Memphis, Tenn.
Dear Memphis: Thank you for providing an alternative explanation for the woman’s behavior. The man’s letter was less about his wife’s driving and more about her insistence on oversleeping and making him late for work. However, if there is indeed more going on, I hope he will discuss it with her and take the necessary steps.
Dear Ann Landers: You recently printed a letter from “Lost in Washington, D.C., But Still Hopeful.” She was in her 40s and despaired of ever finding Mr. Right. You heard from a great many readers and printed their responses. Most said she should stop looking and learn to enjoy her life as it is. I agree.
My husband left me after 20 years of marriage to “find himself.” When he walked out the door, I discovered how much I enjoyed life without him. I have two cockatoos who I have trained to say, “I love you!” as soon as I come through the door. Believe me, Ann, it sounds a lot better than, “You’re late! Where’s my dinnerfi” — Happier Now in Virginia
Dear Virginia: I’d say you “traded up.” Congratulations.
This story appeared in The Daily Herald on page C8.
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So, My 10-Year-Old Daughter Learned About Sex at a Sleepover
January 11, 2019
by Rachel Sobel
My immediate gut reaction was one of anger mixed with sadness because I didn't get to handle this milestone conversation on my terms and on my timeline.
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We're pretty open with our 10-year-old daughter, but if I'm being honest, the topic of sex makes us all a little antsy. As real as I like to keep it, there's always that quest to strike the balance between maintaining some sense of childhood innocence and making sure our kids are armed with realistic information about how the world works. Conversations about sex and relationships have been swirling for the last couple of years, and for a long time my lame explanation about how God "just puts a baby in your body when you're ready" was working just fine. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but I was trying to buy time and preserve my little girl's naïve mindset before she turned into a full-fledged tween .
In all of our conversations about sex, we had not yet discussed the actual logistics of what happens. When it first came up, I used the old trick given to me by a psychologist who told me that when a child asks questions, particularly about the tough stuff , ask a question back instead of bombarding them with information from the start. For example, ours went like this:
"Mommy, what is sex?"
"What do you think it is, kiddo?"
"Making out naked?"
"You're not wrong."
That was the beginning. The tip of the iceberg. She didn't want more info at that point, so I didn't push. I just told her that these were very important conversations and we would discuss it more whenever she wanted. She told me I was like the moms on TV who said things like, "You can come to me with anything." And I told her that is 100 percent correct (even though she meant it as a slight insult).
I'm not dumb. I know our kids know more than we think they do, and much earlier than we're prepared. But I wanted these conversations to be somewhat organic. There wasn't a serious sit down. No pre-planned birds and bees conversation using props or dolls. Instead, I decided to keep it low key, reinforce that the communication loop was open 24/7, and I would always be honest in answering any questions she brought to the table.
And then she went to a sleepover at a friend's house.
I'm sure there were movies and cookies and tons of giggles, as there usually are, but this time, there was something else that I was blindsided by. My daughter came home from the sleepover, and before we even got in the door, blurted out that she knows what sex is and how babies are made . Calmly (even though I kind of wanted to throw up), I asked her what she knew. Without pause and with undeniable confidence like she just solved one of life's greatest mysteries, she told me that the man and woman rub up on top of each other naked and the man's privates fit into the woman's privates and then they make a baby. She also added that if you didn't want to have a baby, you just "throw a towel over the man's privates."
I sat there stunned for a minute just trying to wrap my head around what just happened and where to start with my response, but she gave me no time. She asked if she was right and reminded me that I told her I would always be honest . So, in so many words, I told her she nailed it, except the towel part, which I explained and told her that this was the beginning of a much bigger conversation. When I asked how she came upon this new information, she told me that the girls at the sleepover had a book their parents bought them all about sex and having babies and they read it cover to cover. God knows how many times. I can seriously picture the look on her face and her little head exploding at this new discovery.
I'll be honest and tell you that my immediate gut reaction was one of anger mixed with sadness because I didn't get to handle this milestone conversation on my terms and on my timeline. But then, once I thought about it, I was a little bit thankful, actually. This very necessary conversation was pushed to the forefront and happened earlier than it would have if I did it my way. And since my daughter was the one initiating it , I think she was so much more engaged than if I had brought it up instead. I couldn't fault these parents for having a book in their home for their kids. It wasn't porn. It wasn't offensive. It was educational and age-appropriate and frankly, gave me the push I needed to address the topic of sex instead of hiding behind bullsh*t cover ups.
I don't know what's coming next, but I know that my daughter feels comfortable coming to me and all I can do is facilitate that feeling as she grows and enters more difficult territory. So, thank you to the parents who hosted the sleepover, but if you could give me a heads-up about what else is in that library so I can mentally prepare, that would be great!
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