(Not so) Beautiful Goodbye

"Let's never break up."

You said it today, Hyung. And I laughed, Like I always do. But it wasn't funny, you probably don't know it, right? I mean how would you know Hyung. You never saw me cry.

But I cried last night. Because you promised something that you forget. I waited until 1AM, and cried myself to sleep. It wasn't your fault, you wanted to surprise me, I know that now. And today, you showed up at my Showcase, I was so damn happy.

But you said it again. And I held my broken heart until I got home.

And here I am again.

Thinking everything we went through all these years, every time I had sparks of hope, which I don't anymore. I just can't keep this up.

You'll never know, like everyone else, like all those who ask why I only sang sad songs. I have trained myself to laugh it off and tell them lies. But sometimes, it's just too much.

Years ago, I had hoped that it's just me being confused and under pressure. Remember those first two years? When used to stay up late and you'd teach me every dance move I lacked? Remember the day I told you I had a big fear of dancing on stage and you told me you'd always be watching my back so I won't be alone?

You never broke that promise hyung.

And I think that was when I fell for you. You do remember those days right? You were so close to Luhan Hyung, and I only had you, and oh God I was so jealous. But as you said, my best quality always was the fact that I can hide my emotions too well, and I think you're right. Cause I did it pretty well.

And I talked to Baekhyunie one night. One night he found me awake and we went to get a drink, I drank too much and I told him everything. About how I was really falling for you everyday.

I think I saw a few comments that night about myself having a 'one sided affection' while you were completely in Love with Luhan, and Baekhyun told me he'd help me.

And Hyung you know, you being always flirty didn't help. You always left me confused. So I asked Baek how to deal with it. He thaught me how to flirt back. And I think I got pretty good at it, right?

Once you asked me if I actually liked Baekhyun, do you remember? Then you acted all hurt and broken after I said I do. Which was another lie.

And I hated myself back then for actually believing that.

Remember when we got to a one day trip for the first time? That day you got me high so good that I actually believed there was something going on between us. After we got back I called Baek and I told him everything, I was so excited, I felt there was my chance to actually admit that Im in love with you. But Baek didn't let me. He said that's just your character. And I picked a fight with him that night, but now I know he was right.

I promise, Hyung, I'm not blaming you. All these years, I only loved you unconditionally, never expected anything. But sometimes, it starts to hurt. Like today, the whole day, I held back my tears as I sang the song that reminded me of my miserable feelings for you, knowing that you had no idea. And I wish I could tell you, but I know I can't.

In younger age, I thought I could make it out. Like the hell out country would accept a big boy band having a gay couple.

I was so dreamy. Now I'm not. Now that April is here, I know I have to bury my feelings. I know because I promised myself not to let you know. And I won't.

I will forever love you, Minseok-ah, but not in the way it hurts me.

I will always be there, like I used to.

And you will never know how much I craved that kiss that we had, a few times.

I will be here, and my heart will be forever yours, but I know it won't settle down, ever. Because who it belongs, is way out of reach. And I have to lock it away and toss the key into the unknown.

But I still hold on to the hope, hopes that someday, you find this heart, that is desperately waiting for you, and take your belonging with you

I love you, Minseok.

And I'm letting you go.

Forgive me, I was never brave enough to say it out loud.

And this is not a beautiful goodbye.