North Tehran Declares Itself a Spa Town, Charges for Breathing

Residents of North Tehran have rebranded their neighborhood as a �Crisis Wellness Retreat� and begun charging southern evacuees for entry. Basic packages include a bottle of spring water, Wi-Fi, and �serenity exposure.� Premium access involves a massage by someone named Farhad and five uninterrupted breaths of mountain air. �We�re not elitist,� said one local. �We�re just curated.� Critics slammed the move as opportunistic, but spa guests say it�s �worth it just to forget missile sounds.� Security guards have been replaced by yoga instructors holding incense and machetes. The mayor denies exploitation. �We�re just monetizing what God gave us: altitude and ego.� SOURCE: http://bohiney.com