Non Penetrative Sex

Non Penetrative Sex
Why Every Guy Should Master Non-Penetrative Sex

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Why Every Guy Should Master Non-Penetrative Sex

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To many straight men, sex is penis-in-vagina penetration. Granted, some allow for the existence of anal sex, while oral sex counts to some as sex just as much, but rarely do we ever acknowledge what sex truly is: fluid.
No, not the exchange of fluids, but rather the idea that there’s more to sex than P-in-V penetration, and what that means can be different for any given person, couple or polyamorous arrangement.
There’s a wealth of sex that can occur without your penis penetrating a vagina or an anus, and guys do themselves a disservice by ignoring that. Not only is a laser-like focus on penetrative sex narrow-minded and exclusionary (for instance, classic penetrative sex isn’t feasible for all people), it can also lead to bad sex when you actually do get to penetration.
People who need more warm-up time to be in the right mood, as well as those who struggle to orgasm from penetrative sex, benefit greatly when things don’t focus on penetration to the exclusion of all else. Being able to make penetrative sex just a part of your sexual buffet (sorry, not sorry) will make you so much better a sexual partner.
To help you make that switch, here’s some expert advice on how to do non-penetrative sex right — along with an explanation of why it gets so little love.
The notion of sex focusing on penetration and nothing else is a very culturally entrenched one.
Some of that likely stems from the way we conceptualize sex. If you imagine that sex is first and foremost for reproduction, it makes sense to think of it only as a penis entering a vagina. But very few people have sex only when they’re trying to reproduce. In fact, lots of people never do.
Even accounting for the existence of sex for pleasure, you can get tons of really great sex education that teaches you about consent, infection transmission and the general functioning of various private parts ... and still never really be taught about non-penetrative sex.
“Sex as penetration is so 'common’ that most of us don’t think about how it could be any different,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com . “Phrases like 'hit it and quit it' or 'pounding' a partner are so ubiquitous. We all know what it means, and it’s nothing but penetration.”
Jess O’Reilly, host of the “@SexWithDrJess” podcast , agrees, calling out the way we speak and write about sex and its focus on penetration in that sense.
“We separate foreplay, oral sex, toys and other types of sex and consider one act sex itself,” she says. “But foreplay is sex to many people. Oral sex is sex to others. There is no universal definition of sex — especially when you consider all the combinations of bodies and genitals that might be involved in a sexual encounter.”
That conceptualization of sex slowly bleeds over into our creative visions, along with our language, too.
“Representations of sex in popular media tend to focus on kissing for a brief moment and then moving on to P-in-V sex within a matter of seconds,” adds O’Reilly. “Sex is almost always depicted as complete when the man has an orgasm and representations of simultaneous orgasm are the norm (on screen, but not in real life).”
That’s a problem, in part, because depictions of sex (whether in movies, TV or in porn) do function as a kind of sex education for us.
“You might think that fictional representations on-screen do not matter, but in the absence of other opportunities to observe and learn from sex in real life, popular culture and porn become our points of reference for sex,” notes O’Reilly. “And though sex scenes or porn can be entertaining and titillating, they’re not produced with education in mind.”
Meaning, if the only sex you ever witness or hear about prior to losing your virginity is unrealistically penetration-focused, that dynamic will likely play itself out in your own sexual experiences — and it might continue to indefinitely if no one ever stops and suggests you try something else.
If your mentality is “sex is about having an orgasm, penetration is what makes me orgasm, therefore I will focus on penetration,” you are, in a way, thinking logically. It’s a very “If A, then B” mentality.
Unfortunately, that’s a very short-sighted way to approach sex. For starters, it completely elides your partner’s body, as well as your partner’s pleasure. A better formulation might be “sex is about pleasure, both parties enjoying themselves is likely to give me the most amount of pleasure, therefore I will focus on making sure my partner enjoys sex as well.”
“When you’re too focused on penetration, you miss all the other ways to feel good and enjoy yourself during sex,” explains Lords. “You also miss out on what your partner needs and may leave them extremely dissatisfied. If your partner is someone who, typically, enjoys sex, they’re going to enjoy it even more (and want it more) if they’re getting something from it, too.”
That’s not just a mental thing, either. Sure, some people might not necessarily care, notice or enjoy themselves more if their partner is having a better time, but giving your partner time to get properly lubricated before P-in-V penetration is vital. The difference between sex with someone who’s into it and sex with someone who isn’t is enormous — and getting to that point of mutual excitement means being sexual without penetration.
“If your partner has a clitoris, penetration may not be the most effective way to produce pleasure,” says O’Reilly. If you really want to turn your partner on, she suggests you pay close attention to the clitoris , “which is the only organ in the human body designed solely for the purpose of pleasure.”
“The head and foreskin of the clitoris are located at the top of the lips and this highly innervated area can be responsive to light touch, kissing, rubbing, vibrating and teasing,” she adds. “The inner legs, bulbs and shaft of the clitoris (comprised of erectile tissue) can be stimulated by rubbing the lips without penetration. Try wrapping your hand around the entire vulva to slide up and down, pulse gently or grind in rhythm with your partner’s hips.”
Naturally, it doesn’t begin and end at the clit. Your partner has a whole body’s worth of nerve endings to explore.
“Not only can some folks reach orgasm from stimulating other areas of their body (e.g. breasts, lower back), but exploring the entire body increases the likelihood of enjoying more full-bodied pleasure and orgasms,” says O’Reilly. “If you get hung up on penetration alone, you miss out on other pleasurable experiences.”
It’s fair to say that if focusing on penetration can worsen sex, stepping back from that focus and exploring non-penetrative sex can make it better … a lot better.
“For many folks, oral sex, manual sex and playing with toys is more likely to lead to orgasm than penetration alone,” says O’Reilly. “And research suggests that engaging in a wider variety of sexual activities increases pleasure and sexual satisfaction. As you explore your options, you’ll discover new experiences of pleasure for yourself and your partner.”
That doesn’t just mean “more foreplay,” though, since it subtly implies that it’s less important than what comes after.
“Foreplay (a poor word for everything that’s not penetrative sex) is meant to be the 'warm-up' or what gets your partner in the mood,” notes Lords. “But if you think of those moments as opportunities for mutual pleasure and as part of sex itself, you immediately become a more attentive and better lover.”
And that’s not the only benefit — sex that’s less focused on penetration is also less likely to be over in a hurry.
“Sex also lasts infinitely longer because it’s more than the few minutes of thrusting you usually engage in,” says Lords. “That means you last longer, too.”
It’s also great news for guys who struggle with erectile dysfunction as the specific hardness of your penis is significantly less important (or possibly not important at all).
“If sex is everything that feels good sexually, the pressure is off you to get an erection, keep it or penetrate your partner,” she says. “If you’re tired or don’t have the energy for penetration (it happens), everything else you do to and with your partner will still feel good — and satisfying.”
The most important thing to realize is that it’s incredibly broad, and whatever works for you and/or your partner is worth trying.
“Non-penetrative sex is literally anything that provides sexual arousal or pleasure,” says Lords. “Sexting and dirty talk hit the mind and imagination. Kissing and lightly stroking the body can be done with all your clothes on. Dry humping, rubbing your genitals through your clothes, fingering and oral sex takes things a step further (with or without clothes). The best way to bring non-penetrative sex into your life is to take the few minutes of foreplay and extend it as long as you both want.”
Along with the above, O’Reilly suggests amping up the role of seduction in your sex life.
“Seduction can be the hottest part of sex,” she says. “As you build anticipation, pleasure heightens. Consider what you can do to surprise your lover. Can you change your approach, location, timing, language or physical touch? The element of surprise and unpredictability is essential to pleasure. Giving your partner exactly what they want may be less pleasurable than teasing, alluding to pleasure, and surprising them with it.”
Of course, pivoting to non-penetrative sex doesn’t mean you just spring extended oral on your partner and hope it goes well. Instead, make it a conversation.
“It’s sexy to talk to them about it first, and it helps make sure you have their total consent ,” says Lords. “Let them know you want to make sex better for them, that you’ve learned that sex doesn’t have to be just penetration, and that you want to change things up to keep sex exciting. Then ask what they’ve been missing or what they’d like more of. They may still want the D — but incorporating other aspects of sex into the mix will make it better for everyone.”

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An Illustrated Guide to Giving Pleasure Without Penetration
In the book 'Bliss Club', Jüne Plã describes why your hands, tongue and other body parts are your hottest assets.
ORIGINAL REPORTING ON EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS IN YOUR INBOX.
This article originally appeared on VICE Italy .
Jüne Plã is a 37-year-old video game character designer and illustrator from France. A couple of years ago, she started posting content on Instagram about techniques you can use to stimulate your partner’s genitals using your hands, tongue and other body parts.
Today, the project has over 700,000 followers and is more inclusive in its language, body parts and tricks. Plã’s newly-released book , Bliss Club: Sex Tips for Creative Lovers – a literary adaptation of the account – proves that non-penetrative sex isn’t just foreplay.
“I thought I’d invented the technique on page 216,” I told Plã at the beginning of our interview, referring to a move where you apply pressure on your partner’s anus with your knee. She laughed and said her friend uses it, too.
YOUR PARTNER’S NIPPLES CAN BE EXTREMELY SENSITIVE. LEGEND GOES THAT SOME PEOPLE CAN ORGASM ONLY THROUGH NIPPLE STIMULATION. IMAGINE YOUR PARTNER HAS TWO CLITORISES INSTEAD OF NIPPLES AND PROCEED AS IF YOU WERE PERFORMING ORAL SEX. BRUSH AGAINST THEM SLIGHTLY WITH THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, ALTERNATING INTENSITY AND RHYTHMS. IT’S ALSO PERFECTLY FINE TO GENTLY NIBBLE.
VICE: Hey Jüne. How did you come up with the idea for these illustrations?
Jüne Plã: A couple of years ago, one of my partners read a VICE article about a particular erogenous zone of the vagina. It interested us both, but most of the articles about it didn't have pictures. After some research, I made a drawing for my boyfriend so he could get there with his hands, since we couldn't manage with his penis. It was pretty useful, so I kept with it – first on Instagram, and then with the book.
How did you research these techniques? Is it based on personal experience?
I’ve drawn from multiple sources. First of all, when I was 20 I met a guy who saw penetration as one of many options, and this inspired me to experiment more. I started watching "instructional" videos on porn sites. Obviously, a lot of the stuff was useless, but some videos explained techniques for some very respectable cunnilingus and fellatio . My friends also contributed – straight and gay.
THE GRAND FINALE. BEGIN BY DELICATELY INSERTING YOUR FINGERS INTO THE VAGINA. ONCE INSIDE, SLIGHTLY SEPARATE YOUR HANDS SO AS TO FORM A V SHAPE, WITHOUT ABRUPT MOVEMENTS. IT’S BEST TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE TOWARDS THE END BECAUSE IT ENCOURAGES THE RELAXATION OF THE VAGINAL OPENING.
Have you received any suggestions from your followers?
Yes. There are obviously some trolls in the comments, but there are also people tagging friends, often couples, saying, “Hey, this is what I was talking about, see?” That always makes me smile. They give me prompts to take the discussion further, and I often post in response to suggestions from my followers’ comments.
DMs are a lot more personal. People ask questions and advice, and I try to answer as much as possible, although it’s difficult to keep up with them now that the number of followers is growing.
Most of them are straight, cisgender women who usually feel guilty and/or at fault because they are unable to orgasm with their partner . But there are also guys who ask me how they can give pleasure to their partner and how to achieve prostate pleasure. Thirty-two percent of my audience is male, which is relatively high compared to other feminist profiles.
YOUR FEET SHOULD BE CLEAN AND NOT TOO COLD. SIT IN FRONT OF YOUR PARTNER, WITH YOUR LEGS BENT AND FEET AROUND THE PENIS. MOVE YOUR FEET UP AND DOWN. YOUR PARTNER CAN HELP YOU BY KEEPING THEM IN PLACE.
You pay close attention to diversity both in the French text and translations into other languages. How important is inclusivity to you?
For me, feminism is inclusive by definition. We must destroy the idea that language belongs to someone – to the patriarchy, to the white, cisgender, straight man. We must convey the plurality of the world. Being a feminist does not mean fighting for your own privilege, but for everyone’s rights.
What myths about sex bother you the most?
I’d rather make a wish – that we overcome the narrative that people endowed with a vulva must be able to achieve an orgasm through penetration. Meanwhile, for penis-endowed people, I hope prostate pleasure is normalised and that they experience orgasms of unexpected intensity.
A TAP ON YOUR BUTT IS ALWAYS FUN, NO MATTER YOUR GENDER.
What was the hardest part of writing the book?
The most complicated part was the introductory section that illustrates the anatomical parts. Researcher Odile Fillod helped me in the revision phase. But, to be honest, I didn’t know much before I started the @ jouissance.club project.
The biggest realisation was when I found out the penis and clitoris are much more similar than I thought. For example, the dicklit – the nickname that many FtM (Female to Male) or FtX (Female to X) trans people use to refer to their clitoris getting bigger after taking testosterone – is kind of a bridge between the two.
Off the top of your head, what are your top three techniques to use on a partner with a vulva, and three to use on a partner with a penis?
Firstly, I’d say that for people with a vulva, using the small shower head is a must.
SIMPLY UNSCREW THE SHOWER HEAD AND DIRECT THE JET OF THE WATER ON THE CLITORIS (NEVER INSIDE THE VAGINA).
Then I would experiment with the pinching technique on the clitoris.
PINCH THE CLITORIAL GLANS WITH YOUR LIPS, AND AT THE SAME TIME CARESS IT WITH YOUR TONGUE ON THE SIDES, FROM TOP TO BOTTOM OR RIGHT TO LEFT, AS YOU PREFER.
And finally, the “Captain Hook” technique.
THE PARTNER IS LAYING ON THEIR BACK. BENDING YOUR FINGERS INTO A HOOK SHAPE, INSERT THEM UP TO THE KNUCKLES AND DO AN UP-AND-DOWN MOTION, HITTING THE THIN WALL SEPARATING THE VAGINA FROM THE RECTUM.
For techniques to try on a partner with a penis, I would start with “a new angle”.
BEND THE PENIS DOWN SO THAT IT CREATES A 90 DEGREE ANGLE WITH THE ABDOMEN AND PERFORM ORAL SEX. THIS INTENSIFIES THE PLEASURE AND IT IS VERY PRACTICAL IN CASE YOU WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR PARTNER. IF YOU CAN DO IT HANDS-FREE, YOU SKIP TO PRO LEVEL.
Then I would go on to use the knee technique, like this:
HOLD YOUR PARTNER’S PENIS WITH ONE HAND WHILE PRESSING DOWN ON THEIR ANUS WITH DETERMINATION. GENTLY MOVE IT AROUND BUT BE CAREFUL – THE BALLS ARE RIGHT THERE.
And to top it off, I’d go on to prostate stimulation.
FIRST MAKE YOUR PARTNER COMFORTABLE BY MASSAGING HIS ANUS WITH A BIT OF LUBE. WHEN YOU FEEL THAT THE ANUS HAS RELAXED, SLOWLY INSERT YOUR FINGER AND MASSAGE IN CIRCLES TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PELVIS.
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Outercourse - A Guide to Non Penetrative Sex (NPS)

MLA Style Citation:

Mulroy, Harlan "Outercourse - A Guide to Non Penetrative Sex (NPS)."
Outercourse - A Guide to Non Penetrative Sex (NPS) .
25 Nov. 2009 EzineArticles.com.
10 Jul. 2022 < http://ezinearticles.com/?Outercourse---A-Guide-to-Non-Penetrative-Sex-(NPS)&id=3329856 >.

APA Style Citation:

Mulroy, H. (2009, November 25). Outercourse - A Guide to Non Penetrative Sex (NPS) .
Retrieved July 10, 2022, from http://ezinearticles.com/?Outercourse---A-Guide-to-Non-Penetrative-Sex-(NPS)&id=3329856

Chicago Style Citation:

Mulroy, Harlan "Outercourse - A Guide to Non Penetrative Sex (NPS)." Outercourse - A Guide to Non Penetrative Sex (NPS)
EzineArticles.com . http://ezinearticles.com/?Outercourse---A-Guide-to-Non-Penetrative-Sex-(NPS)&id=3329856

By
Harlan Mulroy |

Submitted On November 25, 2009

The first thing that has to be established when talking about outercourse is what it actually is. When I deal with outercourse, I refer to it as an alternative to intercourse that does not involve vaginal penetration. It is also known as Non-Penetrative Sex (NPS). This definition is not perfect as some people consider oral sex to not be outercourse, however it is the definition of outercourse I will use here.
Recently there has been a move towards outercourse being used as an alternative to intercourse for young people. While it is better that young people practice NPS than risk pregnancy by having sex unprepared, the practice usually leads to intercourse so it does not act as anything more than a temporary solution.
While many people consider outercourse to be a kind of foreplay, this is a limiting definition. In fact outercourse can be as satisfying as intercourse. Some people even view it as the highlight of the sex act. Therefore do not limit yourself by just thinking of it as foreplay, consider it as another tool for both of your sexual satisfaction!
Performing Outercourse: Guide to the Outercourse Orgasm
Outercourse comes in many different kinds, however there are a few major kinds:

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