Non Concordance

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Non Concordance

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Copyright 2008-2020 Sheila Wray Gregoire. Images via Getty Images.
To begin, a quick story. As a teen I always won the game Balderdash. Remember that game? You get a bizarre weird word, and everyone has to make up a definition for it, and then you read out all the fabricated definitions with the real one mixed in and guess.
I had a definition I used almost every time, and I always won that round: “the lint that collects in dryer traps.” It was simple. It was to the point. But more importantly, everyone thought: Oh, yeah, there should be a word for that. So they believed that that was a real definition.
You may not know what it is, but as soon as I explain it, you’ll think, “oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. I wish I had understood that was a thing!”
Sexual arousal has two components: your mind saying, “I want the sexy stuff!”, and your body saying, “I’m totally digging the sexy stuff!”
Sometimes, however, the mind might be saying, “let’s get it on!”, but the body hasn’t gotten the message. Or, in many cases, the body has gotten the message, but the mind is turned off, tired, or not even thinking about sex at all.
When the body and mind don’t agree on sex–you have arousal non-concordance!
I figure that it goes along with Christmas and the Incarnation well–how God took on human form and walked this earth, and then resurrected in a physical body, just as we someday will.
So let’s talk about how to live embodied lives, where our minds and bodies are in accordance with each other as much as possible. Let’s talk about mindfulness, where we’re paying attention to our bodies and we’re living in our bodies, rather than making judgments about what our bodies should be doing.
We’ll officially launch that series on Monday, but I thought we’d do a preview today about arousal non-concordance, and continue that tomorrow on the podcast.
I spent some time this week looking up scholarly articles on arousal non-concordance, and it was fascinating. Here’s a bit of what I learned:
A huge meta-analysis from 2010 that is still frequently cited found that the self-report, or subjective report of how aroused someone is does not always agree with the “objective” measures of heat cameras on the genitals, monitors, or more. So the genitalia would register arousal, but people would report that they weren’t aroused–and sometimes vice versa.
Men are more likely to say they feel aroused when their genitals do not show arousal; while women are more likely to say they aren’t aroused when their genitals show they are. Of the two genders, though, women’s arousal non-concordance tends to be much greater. The meta-analysis tried to figure out why this was so, and came up with several theories (the self-report may be correct but the instruments measuring arousal may be measuring the wrong thing; men may be more comfortable understanding arousal because they get more noticeable erections; women are made to feel more shame at arousal and so it doesn’t register as much, and more). After examining all of these possible explanations, they found that there was a real gender difference that couldn’t be explained away by methodological problems.
Women just seem to experience non-concordance more. 
Further studies have elaborated on this even more, with these results:
They’re not exactly sexy (unless you’re a bonobo ape, I suppose). But when women watch movies of bonobo apes mating, they say they’re not aroused, but they do experience genital arousal. Men, on the other hand, say they’re not aroused and don’t experience genital arousal.
Basically, two things: First, in women, the self-report of arousal and genital changes in arousal are less likely to match up than for men.
But second, women experience genital arousal at a wider variety of sexual stimuli than men do, even if their self-report of what is arousing is still quite narrow.
So guys say, “that turns me on,” and their penises tend to agree. Women say, “that doesn’t turn me on,” but their genitals do show changes.
This article talks about the two different pathways to arousal that are likely independent of one another: one the cognitive element and one an autonomous system that reacts to sexual stimuli (either with lubrication or erection). And women seem to autonomously to a wide variety of stimulation, perhaps partly because women are more susceptible to sexual assault, and we experience fewer injuries if there’s lubrication. So women’s bodies may say, “let’s get ready for the sex” even when their minds are nowhere near thinking that way. It’s a protective response.
Now, please hear what this research is NOT saying: It’s not saying that women are aroused and don’t realize it–so get with it, women! No, it’s saying that there are two different arousal pathways that operate quite independently of each other. So when she subjectively rates her arousal and she says, “I’m not turned on,” she’s right. She isn’t cognitively turned on. But her body is gearing up for it anyway.
The sex differences in concordance between objective and subjective arousal can best be summarized as follows: The physiological arousal process, which likely evolved to maximize reproductive success, appears to be quite similar in men and women. However, men react motivationally stronger to sexual stimuli … Women, in contrast, react to sexual stimuli with lubrication, to protect their inner sexual organs, independent of their experienced arousal. Due to the specific anatomy and social influences, men learn to better align their experienced sexual arousal with their physiological reaction. Women, on the other hand, learn early on, not to trust their bodily reactions, as they are often in contrast to social expectations.
Why isn’t there a female version of Viagra? That’s what researchers have been trying to figure out: is there a magical pill that will make women aroused? And the answer has largely been no, because for women the problem is less in terms of genital autonomous responses and more in terms of cognitive responses. Another review of the research found again that women tend to respond automatically to sexual stimuli, often within a few seconds, but subjectively they’re not registering any arousal at all.
Unlike for men, then, when the problem is with keeping an erection, women’s problems tend more to be with how cognitively we interpret sex. This makes sense–we don’t need a pill to help us get lubricated, since lots of lubricants are available (and I highly recommend Femallay’s vaginal melts which help nourish your vagina and improve elasticity, too!). No, instead what we need is to feel like we WANT to be sexy. 
Here’s what these researchers conclude: 
Most theorists discuss women’s sexual arousal in terms of a feedback mechanism between these two components, but some studies indicate that genital and subjective sexual arousal are not closely connected for some women. Increases in genital arousal tend to occur somewhat automatically, within seconds of the onset of an erotic stimulus, and can occur even in the absence of subjective reports of feeling sexually aroused. Moreover, the degree of connectivity between genital and subjective arousal seems to be unrelated to sexual arousal function and dysfunction in women. This disconnection raises the question of what exactly sexual arousal in women is and whether physiological changes that occur in the absence of a subjective sexual experience should even be considered a sexual response.
The issue is not what the genitals are doing but what the brain is thinking. That’s where arousal gets blocked up. And as Rebecca says on the podcast which launches tomorrow, that makes sense. We’re created to be discerning. It’s not safe for women to want to have sex with people that they won’t be safe with or won’t feel safe with, so the mental component in arousal is far more important.
So it’s not that women aren’t aware of what actually turns us on. It’s that we need to pay more attention to what women say turns them on, because it’s the subjective part that makes us desire sex! So if we say we don’t like something, even if our bodies respond, that doesn’t mean we like it and we’re just wrong. It means we want more of that thing that we like! And then we’ll actually want sex mentally–which is the important part.
One last thing–and this one is super important.
Honestly, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was the first time I heard of arousal non-concordance (that show has seriously done a good job at educating people on consent and sexual assault!). I’ve talked about it since then several times, and I want to return to it in the new year when we look more at this last element of arousal non-concordance: How it plays a part in furthering sexual assault trauma.
I have known many victims of date rape who did not understand that it was date rape because they became lubricated and even reached orgasm. They assumed that because they were physically aroused, they must have wanted it, even though they had repeatedly said no. This can be even more difficult for male victims, because their arousal is often necessary for the sexual encounter, and so the fact that they became physically aroused seems to mean they weren’t assaulted. But if a guy did not want it to happen, did not consent, and said no, and then someone went ahead anyway and the guy’s body responded, this does not mean that it was not assault.
There’s ongoing research into this, but in some cases it looks as if some people have heightened physical responses to assault because the fight, flight and freeze trauma response is closely related to the sexual arousal response. When our senses are heightened, arousal may follow more commonly. This does not mean anyone wanted it to happen.
Arousal does not equal consent. Orgasm does not equal consent. 
This one’s hard to measure in the lab, which is likely why they didn’t find a big incidence of it. But what I hear again and again is women who want to feel aroused, and want to enjoy sex, but their bodies do nothing. I talk a lot about this in both The Orgasm Course and the Boost Your Libido course (which we’re actually revamping over the Christmas holidays because it’s been out for a few years now and it’s time for an update! If you’ve bought it in the past, you’ll have access to the whole new Boost Your Libido course when it’s out in January!).
Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
What we’ll be looking at a bit this month is how the practice of mindfulness can bridge this gap. It’s what I’ve been trying to teach for years, especially when I speak and in the courses. How to be mentally present when you’re making love. Or “embodiment” is actually another way to put it. How to actually inhabit your body and how to experience your sexuality with your body and not just your mind. So more on that to come!
I hope arousal non-concordance becomes something we talk about more, and that it enters our common vocabulary, in the same way that I hope vaginismus gets talked about more. The fact that so many people don’t understand that this is possible means that people can feel guilt that isn’t theirs; people can feel like they’re perverts if they get aroused by erotic material they were exposed to that they didn’t want to see or didn’t even like; or feel like there’s something wrong with them when their body responds when they don’t want it to–or when it doesn’t when they do want it to.
We’re complex creations. It makes sense that arousal is complex, too.
Have you heard of this concept before? Does it make sense to you? What is your biggest struggle with it? Let’s talk in the comments!
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When someone you’re hooking up with says, “I’m so wet,” or “ I’m so hard,” we understand it to mean, “ damn, I’m really turned on, touch me .”
Our cultural understanding of desire assumes that we can tell if someone is turned on by how their body is responding during sex. Turns out that’s not really true! That’s because physical arousal is not the same thing as subjective arousal.
Physical arousal is when your genitals are responding to a sexual stimulus (like porn or a partner touching you). Subjective arousal is your personal assessment of whether that sexual stimulus is pleasing and turns you on.
The truth is, a lot of people experience a significant mismatch between their physical arousal and their subjective arousal. This phenomena is called arousal non-concordance. It’s when you’re feeling really turned on but you’re not getting wet or hard. It’s also when your genitals respond to something but you find yourself thinking, “wait, I’m not into this.”
Researchers typically measure non-concordance by having a bunch of participants watch porn clips and rate how turned on they are (subjective arousal) while having the size of their erection or the pulse rate of their vaginas monitored (physical arousal). Then they compare how much overlap exists between subjective and physical arousal.
So what’s the verdict? Emily Nagoski tells us in her book, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life , that cis-women only experience complete concordance about 10% of the time and cis-men experience complete concordance about 50% of the time.
Arousal non-concordance affects pretty much everyone. Experiencing non-concordance is a completely normal part of human sexuality. However, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.
If you constantly find that you don’t feel tingly sensations when someone is touching you or you can’t get wet or maintain an erection despite feeling turned on and really wanting sex, you might feel like there’s something wrong with your body. Conversely, if you don’t frequently want sex or don’t feel spontaneously turned on, you might feel like you have low desire.
Our cultural understanding of desire has traditionally told us that we should want sex a lot (whatever that means) and that our bodies will naturally fall in line as soon as we get turned on.
Arousal non-concordance reminds us that lots of people don’t experience arousal and desire in such an integrated, linear fashion. That’s normal.
One really important thing that we can learn from arousal non-concordance is that physical arousal does not equal consent. It’s completely possible to respond physically, even orgasm, in response to a sexual experience that you did not desire or consent to.
Body language can certainly communicate lots of relevant information. You should definitely not ignore behavior cues you’re getting from a partner. However, clear and enthusiastic consent should be expressed verbally. Need advice on how to incorporate ongoing consent more smoothly into actual sexual exchanges? Read this.
If arousal non-concordance is getting in the way of enjoying sex the way you want to, here are some ideas to try.
Use lube! This sounds almost too simple, but lube can really help make physical touch feel more comfortable and sexy. Whether you have a penis or a vagina, using lube can help you avoid distracting, unpleasant touch that is too rough or dry. Try a good water-based lube.
Remember the clitoris! For people with vaginas, focusing on clitoral stimulation during sex makes your chance of orgasming higher. Experiment with what types of clitoral touch feel best to you. When you’re with a partner, you can try a clitoral vibrator like the Eva II . It’s adorable and keeps you and your partner’s hands-free for sexy exploration.
Pay attention to what gets you wet. If you struggle to respond physically, whether this means getting wet or keeping an erection, it could help to do a little self-detective work. What types of physical touch feel best on your body? Masturbation is a great way to figure this out. Try lots of different techniques! Additionally, what types of external sexual stimuli or contexts tend to evoke a physical response in you? You can mine through your past sexual experiences for things that worked and try out some new tools. Do you notice that you can only respond physically with a partner you know really well and trust a lot? Does watching porn or reading erotica get you wet? Are you able to come when you use a certain sex toy? Keep track of sex strategies that are reliable for you.
Try a mindfulness practice: A group of researchers recently had 79 people with vaginas participate in four sessions of mindfulness sex therapy. They found that the participants showed significantly more sexual concordance after completing these mindfulness sessions. The therapy taught participants to focus on the physical sensations that happen during sex and to learn to identify and notice any negative self-talk, distraction, or anxieties about performance, body image, ability to orgasm, etc. without judgment. At the end of the study, the researchers found that the participants’ experience of subjective arousal had increased far more than their genital arousal and this is what accounted for the higher levels of arousal concordance. Though therapy can be a great option, there are plenty of sex-specific mindfulness practices that you can do on your own! Try this approach.
Check out responsive desire: Another way you can change your experience of subjective arousal is to look at it from a different perspective. Dominant culture tells us that subjective desire for sex should come before physical arousal, but we know now that this is only one type of sexual experience. It’s also really valid for subjective desire to follow physical arousal. Some people almost never spontaneously desire sex but that when they consciously and consensually expose themselves to sexual stimuli, they find that they are mentally aroused, they actively want sex. This could mean watching porn, reading erotica, asking for sexual touch from a partner, or playing w
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