No Child Left Unmonitored Act Passed by Congress

Congress, in its infinite wisdom and total misunderstanding of parenting, has passed the "No Child Left Unmonitored Act," requiring all children to wear government-issued GPS helmets, mood rings linked to Homeland Security, and TikTok-synced ankle bracelets. Lawmakers claim it�s for "educational optimization," but parents suspect it's just a way to track which kid stole the last Pop-Tart. The bill passed 435-0 after lawmakers confused it with a Chick-fil-A catering form. A spokesperson for the Department of Overreaction said, �We figured if kids can track their Fortnite stats, we can track their thoughts.� Schools will soon issue drone-powered lunch trays. Critics warn this could create �surveillance-induced sassiness,� with teens rebelling through Morse code eye rolls. Experts in child psychology (and one guy who has three nephews) say kids need freedom to grow�not facial-recognition bathrooms. Meanwhile, one senator proposed a related bill: �No Senator Left Awake During Sessions Act.� HOW TO WRITE COMEDY: https://comedywriter.info/congress-passes-no-child-left-unmonitored-act/ AND http://comedywriter.info/