Nigga Poop Sex

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A newlywed whose White husband calls her the n-word during sex feels disgusted, betrayed and ashamed and isn’t sure how to make it stop.
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV . Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Dear Abiola, My man keeps calling me a “nigger bitch” during sex and I hate it. I have been married for a year and I am at my wit’s end. My investment banker husband is from a White old money family. I am a first generation Black-American woman whose family is from the island of Jamaica. We met at a reunion for the ivy league school we both attended, and he proposed in six months. We have the picture perfect fantasy life. He wines and dines me and we travel and shop the globe. Unlike all of the Black men I dated in the past, my husband is generous, loyal, committed and considerate. He courted me and I never have to pay for anything. He said I could quit my job and I did. He makes me feel like a woman. I am a little embarrassed to share our problem. The first time he let the n-word drop was during sex on our honeymoon. When I reacted negatively, he explained that a Black woman he dated in the past enjoyed being called racial slurs. Another time he joked that he had purchased my freedom. He also speculated about whether his family could have owned mine because I have “good hair.” Then he made jokes about my pubic hair. He called it my “negro bush” and referred to himself as a “nigger lover.” He says I am being overly sensitive because he loves me to death and should get a “Black pass” for marrying me. I told him that I don’t appreciate these comments and he says that my friends and family probably use the n-word all the time. He also asked why Black people can use the word and he cannot. I don’t use the word or believe in the nigga/nigger differentiation. Neither does my family. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about this because I know they might say: “That’s what she gets for marrying a White man.” Every time we try having sex again, the slurs fly. Our sex life is pretty much over right now because I pretend to be asleep every time my sexy, handsome man wants to be with me. I feel completely turned off. I love my husband deeply so please don’t tell me to leave him because that’s not what I want to do. My husband was my first interracial relationship. Please tell me racial slurs aren’t normal between interracial couples? I would like to figure this out before we have kids but I can’t afford to leave him and still maintain my lifestyle. How can I regain my sexual attraction for my husband? Signed, Black and Proud My Dearest B.A.P., There is nothing about this situation that is okay. Of course you’re turned off. The biggest sex organ for us as women is between our ears. Unlike men, if we’re turned off outside the bedroom we will usually be turned off in the boudoir as well. So, you’re worried about maintaining your lifestyle?! Sis, let’s talk about maintaining your sense of self. First of all, you are not being overly sensitive and it is condescending for your husband to say that while he’s calling you racist names. There is nothing normal about being called out of your name in any relationship. Second of all, queen, your husband needs a history lesson and you need counseling. His comments are verbally abusive and emotionally harmful. I agree that this issue needs to be addressed before you bring children into the picture. There are no “Black passes.” When our White friends ask why they can’t use the n-word, I always wonder why they would even want to. Even though your husband’s ”last Black girlfriend loved it,” he should respect your choices. Black people are not a monolith. In addition, no one should ever compare a partner to an ex. This man is betraying you and you are not honoring yourself. This is not a judgment of his ex-girlfriend. Anything that two consenting adults agree to sexually is their business. Bold African-American sex educator Mollena Williams, who describes herself as “the perverted negress” and a “slave” on her Twitter page, is an expert on “race play.” She teaches that “for those who are drawn to explore deeper and deeper crevasses of our psyche, the desire to explore that taboo can be compelling.” However, this is not what you signed up for or something you sound even remotely interested in. Your husband’s behavior and your acceptance of it have eroded the intimacy between you. The foundation of love is trust and a feeling of security. There is no way to feel safe while being reminded of the subjugation of your ancestors during vulnerable moments when you have clearly asked him to stop. The fact that you have expressed your dislike and that your husband persists is hateful and troubling. Don’t let his hate speech drown out your inner wisdom. I understand that you feel ashamed but keeping this secret is only deepening your trauma. Confide in someone. Shine a healing light on this situation so that you are not isolated and feeling trapped and alone. Reality check: I know that you don’t want to leave your husband. It’s a beautiful thing that you are taking your vows seriously. He, however, is not. He is not loving, honoring nor cherishing you. If traveling the globe playing “Real Housewife of the Big House” while he drops n-bombs is not your idea of fun then you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Your sex life will not improve unless your man changes his behavior and you feel heard. So, can his behavior be changed? Write this down: The only man you can change is one wearing diapers. Abusers have to want to change themselves. Hubbie has to first realize the depths of what he is doing wrong. It doesn’t sound like he does. In addition, you may want to examine your own racial attitudes. I am sorry that you had challenging experiences with your previous partners. However, when we lump all Black men together as cheap or disloyal we may as well be calling them the n-word ourselves. If you stay with your man for money while he is speaking down to you, then I’m afraid you have personally sold yourself at an auction to the highest bidder. It’s time for a self-esteem check, doll face. You deserve better. Counseling will give you tools to determine your relationship’s future. For your friends and family, the problem is not that you are in an interracial relationship. The issue is that your husband is a cold and classless bigot, bully and boor. Jerks come in all colors. Passionately yours, Abiola

Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV . Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.
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Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. ( Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here . Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com .)
Q. Feeling Dirty: My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. Around 10 months ago we moved in together. Things have been pretty normal except one thing. Let me tell you first, that I grew up in a house where we did not speak of bathroom behavior. As a result of that, I am quite uncomfortable talking about going number two. I am as secretive as I can be when I have to do my duty. Now that “Ron” and I are living together, I have to divulge certain information on a need to know basis. More specifically, if I have diarrhea. These times I have had to explain, “You may not want to go in there for a while.” The weird thing is, 15 minutes or so after telling him such, Ron initiates sex. I find it gross and confusing. He knows how uncomfortable I feel as it is. This has happened four times so far. He denies a pattern or that it’s unusual. Am I the one being weird about this?
A: If he has a kink about this, just think how thrilled he must be to discover that you have a very sensitive stomach. Given your family background, it’s understandable that you’d like your boyfriend to be in a different ZIP code when you move your bowels. But moving on past your own family’s hang-ups is going to be good for you in the long run, especially if you suffer from long runs. I agree that it does sounds like more than a coincidence that your boyfriend wants to have sex every time you limp out of the bathroom pale and spent. Sure it sounds weird, but if you look up fetishes, if this is one of his, it will end up sounding pretty mild. You’ve asked, but he refuses to acknowledge that he has fecal attraction. (I can’t take credit for this phrase—I found it while trying to quickly Google this kink.) I suggest two things—if you frequently get diarrhea for unexplained reasons, you need to see a doctor. And if you are recovering from a violent evacuation and are really not in the mood, just tell Ron now is not the time for sexual healing.
Dear Prudence: Jealous of Boyfriend’s Dog
Q. Tipping: My girlfriend and I have an argument going and are looking to you to help us. Whenever we go out to eat, I pay for the meal and tip on my credit card. When I tip, I always tip at least 20 percent, but I tip in such a way that the total bill comes out to a whole dollar amount. For example, if the meal was $28.42, I would probably tip $6.58, for a total bill of $35.00. Having the total bill be a whole dollar amount is my slight OCD quirk. My girlfriend thinks it is rude to tip those odd change amounts, envisioning waiters with pocketfuls of “useless change” at the end of their shift. My response is that I am a courteous customer, a good tipper and that any extra money is good for the waiter/waitress. What are your thoughts?
A: If you are tipping servers at least 20 percent, I’m sure they don’t mind what calculations are used to arrive at this. Given that most people tip in whole dollar amounts, if it’s added to the total after tax, the servers are going to be getting an odd amount of change, anyway. There’s nothing rude about what you’re doing and if your girlfriend is so concerned about this harmless quirk, she should be the one whipping out her credit card.
Q. Boobs at the Dinner Table: My husband and I recently moved to a new city and are trying our best to make friends. Last night we went to a dinner party organized by my co-workers, one of whom brought her baby. Imagine my surprise when, as we’re all seated at the dinner table, “Lauren” whips out her breast and starts feeding baby right alongside us! I have no problem with breast-feeding and I know baby has to eat, too, but I admit I was a little surprised to see bared breasts at the dinner table, in particular at a gathering where not everyone knew one another. Am I being a prude, Prudie? Or can I balance being supportive of breast-feeding and still draw the line at what I have to watch while I eat?
A: I’m very glad you didn’t announce: “Lauren, I’m lactose intolerant, please take your milk elsewhere.” When I was a nursing mother, I excused myself from the table unless it was an all-female event. But OK, OK, I understand that leaving means the mother might miss the whole meal. If you’re going to stay, every nursing woman knows how to accomplish this discreetly so that baby and breast are covered. Given the general din of a dinner party, no one would even have heard the baby’s lip-smacking praise of his or her meal. You are new in town and want to make friends. You may personally have been put off, but declaring aloud you are disgusted with the behavior of those at table is best left unsaid.
Q. Telling SIL to Tone It Down: My husband’s sister gifted me a beautiful diamond necklace for my birthday. I wanted to thank her and also invite her for my birthday party, but have hesitated based on past experience. Last year, she showed up for my party in a flashy designer gown and was the center of attention with her humorous anecdotes. I don’t possess her shapely figure or her wit and cannot afford designer clothes. Is there a way I can ask her to tone down the act this time? I don’t want to sound petty and insecure while doing it.
A: I suppose you could tell her that the party this year is going to be casual so you’d appreciate if she’d wear a Hefty bag. Then you can give her a dog muzzle at the door so as to cut back on the humorous anecdotes. I actually don’t know if your sister is the life of the party and everyone leaves having been thoroughly entertained, or whether she’s an attention hog who take over the evening. You concede she looks great and is very funny. Guests like that are generally perceived to be a plus. So either you invite her and enjoy the sparkle and liveliness she brings, or you leave her off the list and deal with the consequences.
Q. Not Liking PDA Is Rude?: My brother and his girlfriend make out passionately in front of everyone, including when people are sitting on the couch next to them. They’re not teenagers—both are in their mid-20s. Our immediate family, as well as several extended family members and friends, have expressed our discomfort in being basically forced to watch them making out. We have attempted to be very welcoming of the girlfriend. Recently, she and my brother announced that our family is rude because we ask them not to exhibit PDA in front of us. That it’s a sign that we don’t like her and in order for us to accept their relationship, we need to be OK with their displays of affection. His GF has actually been rather hostile recently and it’s apparently due to the fact that we’re all “rude.” I guess I’m just looking for confirmation that none of us are crazy to feel like we don’t need to witness our brother making out with his girlfriend constantly and how you would suggest handling the situation.
A: It’s too bad that, “Hey, you two, get a room!” didn’t make them realize they needed to get a room. However, now that you’ve spoken up, she is seething with hostility. That perhaps is preferable to watching them French kiss. So what you do now is ignore their bad behavior no matter what form it takes. If she’s uncommunicative, then people should excuse themselves and go refresh their drinks. If the two of them start humping each other and turn every piece of furniture they’re on into a love seat, you just get up and sit somewhere less exciting. Keep in mind either these two will break up, or they will stay together. If it’s the latter, in years to come you can all titter among yourselves about your memories of when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.
Q. Food Cop Co-Worker: I am a 24-year-old woman who recently started a new job as part of a small team. At my workplace, food (cookies, etc.) is frequently left out at meetings. Since I’m already a bit curvier than I’d like to be and the easy access to unhealthy foods wasn’t helping matters, I decided to start a more health-conscious diet—one where unhealthy foods are limited instead of forbidden. My new lifestyle has been going great, but I’ve been having problems with a co-worker who seems to be bent on narrating the caloric content of everything that I eat. He’ll loudly decline dried fruit and nuts left in the office because they’re too high in calories, and anytime I reach for a cookie he loudly explains why he himself is abstaining. Worst of all, on one occasion he inquired whether my ethnicity made me prone to weight problems! I have no idea whether he is himself dieting or whether he’s just trying to “help me out,” but his remarks honestly make me want to wolf down a whole box of donuts out of spite. How do I politely tell an otherwise nice and friendly guy to butt out?
A: You ask to talk to him in one of your offices if you have a door to shut, or find a place that does. Then you explain that you are uncomfortable with his narrating the calorie content of food and remarking on your weight. Say he may not even know he’s doing it, or he may have the best of intentions, but you hope he understands that you don’t want to hear it any more. Be professional and friendly and wrap up this brief conversation by thanking him for his understanding. Let’s hope he realizes that making the office an uncomfortable place for the new hire is not a path he wants to go down any further.
Q. Family, End of Life: I am estranged from my parents, with whom I cut contact after over 12 years of therapy. They were emotionally abusive, and I still have panic attacks when I visit friends in the area in which they live. My question is the following: My grandmother, whose side of the family recognizes my mother’s abuse and has been supportive of my decision, is in her 90s and recently went on hospice. I know that a funeral will be approaching. I also know that my parents will be attending the funeral when it happens, and I panic when I even consider being around them. None of this is my extended family’s fault, however. I do not want to attend the funeral, but I am worried about what they will think of me if I don’t. I should also mention that I have bipolar disorder, and my parents are my worst trigger. Should I suck it up and go to the funeral out of respect for my other relatives? (I leave my grandmother out of this, since she won’t know whether I’m there or not.) Thanks for your thoughts on this.
A: You must do what is best for your mental health. You’ve made a strong case that attending your grandmother’s funeral will be a setback for you, so that means you have to stay ho
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