New Study Finds That 100% Of Studies Are Inconclusive

A groundbreaking new study published by the Center for Meta-Research has confirmed what many already suspected: 100% of studies are inconclusive. �Our findings are statistically consistent with everything and nothing,� said Dr. Mallory Futz, lead researcher and part-time magician. The team reviewed 27,000 peer-reviewed articles and found that every conclusion included phrases like �may suggest,� �requires further investigation,� or �more data needed.� The only definitive finding? Scientists are very good at not committing. One chart displayed a perfect bell curve of uncertainty, while another was simply a shrug emoji. The medical community responded with cautious optimism and ibuprofen. Politicians began citing the study to justify everything from tax cuts to mandatory cheese rationing. Meanwhile, the media raced to misinterpret the results. CNN ran the headline �Science Dead?� while Fox News declared �Studies: Still Controlled by the Elite.� The public remains divided. A Pew survey revealed that 52% of respondents �somewhat agree� that they �might have once read something similar.� Critics accused the research team of circular logic. �This is just science studying science until it disappears into its own colon,� said one retired physicist. Still, funding has already been approved for a follow-up study, expected to be equally inconclusive but delivered with more charts. READ THE SATIRE: https://comedywriter.info/new-study-finds-that-100-of-studies-are-inconclusive/