New Sex Play

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New Sex Play
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Le Wand Rechargeable Massage Wand Vibrator
Le Wand Rechargeable Massage Wand Vibrator
Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health.
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Sex and pleasure go far beyond penetrative sex. Here's how to rock your partner’s socks off.
Having sex, like good sex , isn’t simply a matter of in, out, and you’re done. Okay, fine, if you’re having a mutually agreed upon quickie , then maybe. But in most cases, sexual pleasure takes a little more time, a little more finesse , to satisfy all parties. And that, my friends, is where foreplay comes in.
While you’ve likely heard the term before, you might not have realized just how important—and frankly, powerful—foreplay really is. Essentially, foreplay is anything you do (alone or otherwise) to get the body prepared for sex, explains sex therapist Chelsie Reed, Ph.D. . For penis-havers, this usually causes increased blood flow to the penis resulting in an erection . For people with vaginas, blood also flows to the reproductive organs, increasing pleasure, lubrication, and sensitivity. And for everyone, the brain gets all excited and releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin.
Science stuff aside, it’s important to note that the word "foreplay" is actually kind of a misnomer because it implies whatever comes next—if anything—is somehow better. “If we can move away from the idea that foreplay is the appetizer before penetrative sex , it widens its definition and becomes a lot more pleasurable for everyone involved,” says marriage, family, and sex therapist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT .
Essentially, you want to think of foreplay as less of a “before” and more of an integral addition to mind-blowing hookups, no matter the type of sex you’re having. That’s because penetrative sex isn’t the end-all-be-all. In fact, most people with a vulva can’t orgasm through penetration alone. They require clitoral stimulation in order to experience climax; the most reliable way of doing this isn’t through penetration but with oral, hand, and/or the use of sex toys . And while sex isn’t just about orgasms—it’s about pleasure —a climax is usually the cherry on top of a great session.
So whether you’re easing into intercourse, preparing for anal sex , or just want to enhance the hookups you’re having, we’ve got you covered. Read on for expert-recommended foreplay tips that’ll turn every romp into one worth remembering.
When in doubt, just come right out and ask what your partner likes during sex. “Most [people] appreciate men who want to make sure they’re satisfied,” says Barbara Bartlik, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Cornell University. “If [they] notice you’re working hard to please them, “[they’ll] be more likely to return the favor.”
Communication is essential for good sex, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Being open and honest about your turn-ons and inviting your partner to do the same creates an erotic atmosphere that’s both sexy and trusting.
Foreplay doesn’t simply start in the bedroom. It can start from the moment you wake up. Little texts like “Can’t wait to get naked with you tonight” can get your partner excited before you even set foot in the same room. If sending nudes is something that turns you and your partner on, go ahead and swap some sexy photos with one another. Then you can text what you plan to do to their naked body. Sexting gets the fires going so early that by the time you’re actually in bed, you’ll be RARING to go.
Not to sound all parental on you, but having an untidy space—whether that’s your house, bedroom, car, etc.—can really put a damper on the sexual experience. “Clutter may stress out some people,” explains Dr. Chelsie, and when you’re stressed, your body often doesn’t relax enough to get aroused.
So before you start laying on The Moves, spend some time cleaning up. Even 10 minutes will make a difference here. Put dirty clothes in the hamper (or trunk?), wash your dishes, and throw away any trash. You’ll be surprised how a little sprucing can elevate things.
As you’re tidying up, Wright says you’ll want to nix any additional distractions that might take away from all that hot sex you’re about to have/are having. “When we’re distracted, our brake system gets activated which shuts off our ability to get turned on,” she explains. “When we remove distractions as best we can, we eliminate factors that could stop us from getting turned on, which is the primary point of foreplay.”
So please, silence your notifications, turn off the TV, and put away any work so the mood isn’t broken by the ping of a text or a commercial about antifungal cream.
Selecting the right music can make or break just about any situation, and foreplay is no exception. In general, though, throwing on some tunes can help drown out distractions (most of which you eliminated above, right?) and keep the momentum going. If you’re stuck on the best songs to have sex to , consider the ambiance/vibe you’re trying to set. Playful? Try a pop love song playlist . Rough? A sexy rock playlist will do the trick. Romantic? Dust off that old Valentine’s Day playlist .
Dr. Chelsie says you can also try a mix of a few genres to mimic your sexual scene. “Some people create playlists that transition from one mood and speed to another to guide their experience and transition to different types of touch and play.”
Remember how thrilling dry humping was before the days of penetration? It’s actually just as hot—if not more so—as an adult, so consider adding it into your foreplay repertoire. “If dry humping is an accelerator for you (meaning it turns on your sexual activation system), dry hump away,” Wright suggests. “We want to give the body time to adjust to a space of activation and pleasure, so anything that turns on your sexual system and makes the blood flow to your genitals is good foreplay.”
We’re not talking about a gaping, goldfish stare here. But some sultry glances as your mouths meet or your fingers tease their waistband? Hot. “For some people, eye contact helps them feel connected—that connection is required to be turned on,” Wright explains.
Now, of course, everyone’s different, and some people might not be a fan of the lingering gaze. “Ask your partner what eye contact means to them and if it’s something that they want,” Wright suggests. “And if they don’t [want eye contact], it’s a great conversation starter around why. Getting to know your partner and having more ideas for foreplay? WIN WIN WIN WIN.”
If you’re having a hard time staying in the moment, Wright says leaning into your sense of sight could help you/your partner(s) get aroused. “Everyone has different sexual accelerators (aka turn-ons) which help them get ‘in the mood,’” she explains. “Engaging the senses can work for many people in different ways.” That’s why Wright suggests watching something sexy like (ethical) porn or an arousing movie to quiet your overthinking mind and get the juices flowing.
If visuals aren’t for you, she adds that audio porn (like Dipsea Stories ) also works well. Turn down the lights, crank to volume, and see where the dirty narrative takes you…
Before touching each other, try touching yourselves, together. “Showing your partner how to touch you/what feels good is sexy in itself,” explains Wright. “Then add in the actual pleasure you’re giving yourself, and you have for a very good foreplay session.” Also, watching your partner masturbate , and feeling their eyes on you, gives an element of voyeurism/exhibitionism that ups the erotic element. Think of it as a very sexy, very adult round of show and tell.
Similar to mutual masturbation , Wright says using a mirror to watch yourself and your partner is another solid option for anyone who gets turned on by visuals. “It can be incredibly hot to watch your partner touch your body (or vice versa) in a mirror,” she explains. “It’s like watching your own porn.”
Since some people might not be into the whole “reflective sex” thing, you’ll want to talk over the idea before dragging in your floor-length mirror. But if everyone’s game, position yourselves to where all can see the action. Watch them give you oral sex, let them watch you stroke their nipples, hell, you could just massage each other and it’ll still be the hottest live show you’ve ever seen.
Lube isn’t just good for anal or intercourse, says Dr. Chelsie, but it can actually be used for all types of sexual touch. The slickness helps reduce the risk of chafing, and the silkiness makes skin-to-skin contact feel far more sensual. Try using a variety of lubricants —including warming lubes —to see what you like best.
Just make sure to avoid silicone lube if you’re incorporating silicone toys since it can actually break down your playthings. When in doubt, water-based lubes are usually your best bet.
Most folks have areas on their bodies that they love to be touched (like the scalp, neck, and booty) while other spots cause a negative reaction. This could be the stomach, the arch of the foot, the hip—whatever! It’s simply an area that immediately pulls them out of the moment and turns them off.
To figure out where the feel-good and feel-bad spots on your (or your partner’s) body are, Dr. Chelsie suggests giving body mapping a shot. Basically, you take your time touching every.single.area. and write down/discuss whether or not you like the stimulation. Then, you literally have a treasure map to pleasure that leads you/your partner(s) to the most sensual experience ever without ever touching their turnoff spots. The act of caressing their body as you map is sultry in itself, so even the exploratory phase counts as serious foreplay.
There are tons of sex games out there, and incorporating one into your foreplay is a fun and easy way to mix things up. “Playing a sexy game as foreplay is great because it typically engages all of the senses and (if it’s a good game) immerses you into a new world,” explains Wright. “Doing things that stimulate all of your senses and re-focuses your cognitive brain into a container is a great foreplay activity.”
Wright says what makes games such a solid foreplay tool is that they have specific rules and guidelines you have to focus on. This means all the stuff you’ve been carrying around about work or family or whatever—the stuff that makes sex less sensual and more robotic—has to be put on hold in exchange for stripping down after losing a hand of hold 'em.
If you or your partner(s) just can’t get in the moment, Dr. Chelsie says role-play might be a good solution. “Role-play can be good if you’re stressed and want to get away from your norm,” she explains. “It can be as simple as talking or wearing a costume, but it can also be as complicated as taking on full characters that interact differently than you do normally.”
Since the point of role-playing is to become other people, it's sometimes easier to get out of your own head to experience pleasure when you’re pretending to be an ER doctor with a thing for nurses. To really extend things, your characters can meet up at a bar or go to dinner as an act of foreplay. The banter, mannerisms, and different appearances will make you want to skip dessert to get it on in the bathroom (but uh, don’t, because public sex is illegal).
Ice cubes and candles that double as massage oil are a fun and easy way to turn up the heat on your foreplay, explains Sofiya Alexandra, co-host of the podcast Private Parts Unknown .
“Hold an ice cube between your teeth and draw it down your partner’s body," Alexandra says. "Or, if you’re more into heat, like me, you can get candles involved—one of my college boyfriends and I used to use just regular soy candles to drip wax on each other for a little BDSM fun ."
That said, a massage candle is a safer way to dip your toe into wax play if it’s new to you. “Drip high at first to cool the oil down before initial contact with skin, and take your time slowly massaging it in for maximum pleasure," Alexandra says. "You want your partner’s body to buzz like a hive of murder hornets.”
Foreplay is a marathon, not a sprint. (Though if you are pressed for time, here are the best sex position for quickies .) Instead of quickly stripping down, start by taking off their shirt. Wait a few minutes before you take off their pants, and so on. You can then focus on that newly revealed body part with kisses and licks. After taking off your partner’s pants, massage their legs. Once the top is gone, you can lick and gently suck on their nipples . (Nipple play can be enjoyable for all gender.)
If you’ve ever attempted to have sex in the shower or in a body of water, you’ll know that it’s nearly impossible to thrust while your body is submerged in liquid.
That’s why Courtney Kocak, co-host of Private Parts Unknown , suggests using the tub as a means of foreplay. “I feel like sexy fantasies that involve candlelit bubble baths or steamy showers are ingrained in us,” Kocak says. “Enjoy stripping down with your partner before you get in—maybe set a playful tone by taking turns underdressing each other.” Just make sure to keep the water hot so you can stay in for a while and really explore the intimacy of touch.
In a similar vein, go ahead and give your partner a little strip tease. (If you need inspiration, you can always check out the SNL skit with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze auditioning to be Chip ‘n’ Dale dancers.)
If you’re a shite dancer, at least you’ll come off as endearing, but if you do in fact strip well, your partner just might want to pounce on you. (FYI, here's how to strip-tease like a dancer in Magic Mike .) Honestly, your partner is going to be turned on by you getting naked no matter how silly you feel. Sex isn’t always serious. It can be playful and funny while still being very orgasmic.
Sexy underwear is for everyone. If you find the right fit, you can really turn your partner on. (If you've never tried low-rise briefs, we highly recommend them! )
More of a tighty-whitey type? Rock on, my friend. Whatever makes you feel like a true sexual icon is the right way to go. Pssst … that might even mean going commando.
If you’re going to have penetrative sex, start by giving your partner an erotic massage that both relaxes and teases them. Prior to even touching them, you’ll want to set the mood with lighting and music (we recommend soft lighting - stay the hell away from fluorescents), and then go ahead and whip out the massage oil.
From there you want to start massaging them. Start with arms, legs, back etc. Relax their muscles before moving to *sexier* areas. Once they're really relaxed, that’s when you start massaging those naughty bits.
People get turned on by knowing their partner is having fun, too. That’s what makes sex, in all its forms, so hot. “If you act as if you’re just going through the motions to get to [intercourse], [they’re] going to notice, and it will take longer for [them] to get excited,” says Michael Perry, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Encino, California.
In other words, get into all your moreplay activities, and enjoy them while you're doing them. If you like how your partner’s calves feel, stroke them in appreciation. If you like their butt, kiss it. “When a man is loving what he’s doing, it’s going to show through and turn [them] on, too,” says Perry.
No matter your partner’s genitals, it’s important to start off slowly and gently. This is especially true if there is a clitoris involved. As wonderful as the clit is, it can be easily overstimulated if you rush right to it. “Direct stimulation of the clitoris can actually be painful,” says Cathy Winks, author of The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot . “It’s much better to rub the clitoral hood [where the tops of the labia meet] or to rub along the side of the clitoris than it is to go straight for the head of it.”
When playing with the clitoris during oral sex , Birch’s advice is to take the focus on and off that super-sensitive area. "The clitoris reacts best to being teased, so you want to lick it and suck on it a little, build a little tension, then back off on it a bit before going at it again," she adds.
When it comes to penises, going right for it might not cause pain, but it will certainly cause increased pleasure if you take your time getting to oral or hand sex. Slow down, bucko. We’re all here to have a good time.
There are plenty of ways to expand your oral sex repertoire, and you should always be looking to add new moves and mix things up. For starters, try lying perpendicular to their body and stroking their clitoris with your tongue in a horizontal motion, rather than up and down. They’ll appreciate the change in stimulation, hopefully enough to return the favor.
If your partner has a penis, try moving your mouth and hand in a circular-twisting motion, instead of just going up and down. Get your tongue in on the action and run it over the head.
Oh, and don’t forget the toys if you’re considering some prostate action. Check out this guide on how to use anal toys during sex.
The figure-8 tongue technique is one of the most tried and true ways to get things going below the belt with vulva-owners. When you’re down below, work the super sensitive area around the clitoris in a figure-8 pattern. Arouse them with gentle sucking until the little button swells, then carefully expose the area with your fingers.
Use the slippery underside of your tongue to circle to the left and then to the right. With the rougher top side of the tongue, flick from right to left and then up and down. Finally, work up to figure-8s, alternating between your tongue's smooth underside and firmer tip. Constantly vary the degrees of pressure you use.
And this figure-8 technique is not just for vulvas. If your partner has a penis (and is into rimming), try running your tongue from the top of the perineum (just under the balls) down around their anus, and back up in a figure-8.
Don't just zero in on your partner’s genitals. The body is filled with erogenous zones like the neck, thighs and breasts.
“Genitals are fascinating and fun, but try to spend some time focusing on your partner’s entire body instead of going straight for her crotch,” says Cassie Fuller, cofounder of Baltimore sex-ed company Touch Of Flavor. “Try caressing, licking, or nibbling other erogenous zones, such as her neck, back, ears, belly, or wrists.”
Oft overlooked as mere barriers to the vagina, the labia are packed with nerve endings and shouldn't be ignored. Hold each one between your thumb and forefinger and massage them, working your way up and down.
Or, using all of your fingers and your palm, gently “smoosh” the labia together, almost like you’re (gently!) kneading dough. You can also explore the mons pubis, the fleshy patch where their pubic hair lives, and carefully press your palm into it for a grounded, sexy feel. This motion can help relax the pelvic floor and engage the internal clitoris indirectly.
If your partner has a penis, don’t ignore the perineum and balls. Explore everything, lick everything, and enjoy. Don’t be shy about being vulnerable and going beyond the “usual” sexual menu, no matter how casual the relationship. “Foreplay is about enjoying the journey and unlocking new levels of pleasure along the way. Have fun by not taking yourself too seriously along the way. Vulnerability helps build intimacy with anyone, not just lovers,” says Tiana GlittersaurusRex , polyamorous educator and activist and co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide , a non-profit
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