New Planet Capable Of Supporting Life

Astronomers have announced the discovery of a new planet capable of supporting life�just in time for Earth�s lease to run out. Dubbed �Planetoid Karen-2,� the celestial body is said to have breathable air, freshwater oceans, and absolutely no HOA. Scientists described it as �remarkably similar to Earth, but with better Wi-Fi and less unsolicited political opinions.� NASA confirmed that early readings indicate a 0% chance of reality TV and a 100% chance of finally getting your packages delivered on time. The planet's discovery was made by accident after a SpaceX intern spilled Mountain Dew on a telescope control panel. Billionaires immediately began bidding for land rights, with Elon Musk tweeting, �Dibs.� Meanwhile, the United Nations proposed a global lottery to send humanity�s best, brightest, and least likely to film TikToks on sacred ground. �Let�s not screw up this one,� said a UN spokesperson while eyeing a launch schedule full of influencers. Already, several countries are drawing up flags, and one hedge fund has announced a reality dating show titled �Love Among the Craters.� Environmentalists are hopeful, calling the discovery �a chance to finally compost without judgment.� Critics, however, warn that wherever humans go, so do hashtags, MLMs, and gender-reveal volcanoes. Still, interest remains high. In a Pew survey, 38% of Americans said they�d move there if it guaranteed no group texts. As for the aliens possibly living there, a leaked radio signal translated as, �Please don�t bring your meetings.� READ THE SATIRE: https://comedywriter.info/new-planet-capable-of-supporting-life/