New Law: All Women Must Now Be Translated by Male Interpreter

In a bold attempt to reestablish patriarchal linguistics, Iran's Parliament has passed a law requiring all female speech to be translated by an approved male interpreter. Lawmakers cited the "linguistic turbulence and metaphorical chaos" of women's words as justification. According to the bill, men possess the divine ability to "decode emotional excess and spiritual vagueness," while women are prone to "uncontrolled word spirals." Public female speech without a licensed male translator is now considered a misdemeanor, punishable by silent staring. Translators must be immediate male relatives or government-approved husbands. One cleric explained, "When a woman says �I'm fine,' she might mean �I'm angry, tired, suspicious, or hungry.' That's theological ambiguity." Religious scholars cited Ayatollah Khomeini's historic silence on the matter as implicit support. Critics argue the new law mirrors the format of bad sitcoms � "What she said" followed by "What he says she said." State TV now broadcasts sermons with dual audio tracks: one original female voice, and one monotone male recap. Women's rights activists tried to release a statement but were arrested after no man could be found to translate it. The government plans to expand the initiative to include female texts, glances, and eventually dreams � all to be filtered through the Male Meaning Bureau.