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BRAD hadn’t had a massage before so was looking forward to a great new experience in Hong Kong. Except he found himself in the wrong kind of massage parlour.
IT WAS the first day of our honeymoon in Hong Kong and my new wife, Sarah, talked me into getting a massage.
I’d never had a massage before. So we went to the first place just off the main road. They had a little neon sign of a foot with pressure points on the door. Seemed legit...
We knocked and a woman opened the door, she saw me standing there and then opened the door further with a smile. As soon as the door opened wide enough to reveal Sarah her face changed. It was the strangest thing ever because she literally said “Oh no, sorry we’re closed” and shut the door on us.
The same thing happened two more times at two different places after that. Who would have thought it would be so hard to get a massage in the middle of Hong Kong late in the afternoon?
Finally, Sarah gave up and decided to get her hair done instead, but by this stage, I was all psyched up and really wanted my first massage. So we split up, she went to get her hair done, I continued my massage mission.
I ended up finding a little place on the third level above the salon. It was real clinical looking. Almost like a little doctor surgery.
A local woman in her 40s opened up and finally, this one was open for business. She was very welcoming. She asked me what I wanted and I said: “Whole body please”.
She ushered me into the little room, pointed to the towels and told me to strip before she came back in two minutes.
A few minutes later she came back in and began the massage. It was nice.
This is what everyone’s been raving about, I thought.
She was doing my back, my lower back and moved down over my bum to my legs. About 25 minutes in, my body was so relaxed, I was almost falling asleep.
It must have only been her little pinky, but it brushed underneath the towel. I was like: “Oops”. Must have been an accident.
But, a few kneads later it happened again. Only this time with the tips of two fingers. It was a little higher up the back of my leg and a little further between them...
By the third time, I was wide awake. It wasn’t a little brush this time. I could definitely feel her fingers touch my balls.
This is probably what she does all the time, I reasoned, it’s a different culture, so it only becomes weird if I make it weird. So I tried to relax and we continued.
A few moments later I was relieved when she patted my bum to signal me to turn over, it was obviously a false alarm. I laid on my back with the towel on my front this time. She started massaging the front of my legs. It was a little more ticklish now.
Again she went up my thigh and again her fingertips went under the towel a bit. Again she made contact with me and I let out a little giggle.
But then I thought to myself: “We’re all professionals here Brad, don’t be a child”.
So after a bit of deep breathing, I was able to regain control. This was purely a professional interaction between a 40-year-old local woman and a newly married 22-year-old Australian man. Absolutely nothing to worry about.
Without any notice whatsoever, she pulled the towel away and grabbed my penis. I sat up straight away to cover myself and said: “Oh sorry, no no no”.
The woman nodded her head and continued to hold on whilst I tried to pull it from her grip like some bizarre game of tug o’penis.
I said: “Oh no, thank you, I’m okay” and she replied, “It’s okay, no more cost... free”.
So there I was. Only two days into my new marriage and somehow locked in a one way haggle for a free handjob. All I could think of was that I’d gone and f*cked it all up already.
I quickly moved away from the woman, got up to put my clothes back on, paid for my massage and got the hell out of there. Who would have thought $20 would go so far?!
It’s safe to say I wasn’t off to a great start. I went back down to meet up with Sarah and come clean about my first accidental affair.
She was like: “What did you think would happen if you had no underwear on?”
Now when you go break it down like that it kinda looks worse than it is but on the surface, I had been violated. And no one told me I should keep my clothes on.
Luckily she saw the humour, but I haven’t been allowed to get a massage without her since...
Brad Kearns is a husband and father of two. The 28-year-old began his social media debut with a frustrated parenting post which seen his story circumnavigate the globe. Brad has since kept his 100k+ readers in tears and stitches on his Facebook page DaDMuM as he shares his brutally honest thoughts of family life.
This story originally appeared on kidspot.com.au and was reprodcued with permission.
For more stories visit kidspot.com.au .
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