Nasty Fake Family Dirty Secrets

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Nasty Fake Family Dirty Secrets
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by


Genefe Navilon


about a year ago

17 Votes


The most crucial years of our lives are spent with our families.
Our childhoods are what shape us into the adults we become, and they often determine how we function and behave later on in life. 
That’s great if you’ve had a wonderful upbringing, but what about those whose families weren’t “picture perfect”?

Dysfunctional families come in many different forms. Some cases are more extreme, whilst others quietly wreak havoc, but both have devastating long-term effects. 
So, in this article, we’re going to look at everything you need to know; the signs, where dysfunctional traits come from, importantly – how you can finally heal from it . 
Family dysfunction often starts when the family starts, meaning that family dysfunction can be present throughout early childhood.
Many people don’t realize until adulthood that their formative years were subject to unhealthy family dynamics.
Here are some signs that you may have grown up in a toxic environment.
While it’s true that all family members hold different roles in the family dynamic, it is a form of family dysfunction when children are expected to perform as adults .
Many times, it can be the parent that expects their child to outperform everyone else at school and achieve perfect grades . What seems to be “supportive” could cause an incredible amount of pressure on a child.
It’s where parent-children dynamics are completely reversed . One or both parents are absent , making the children responsible for and in charge of caring for themselves or other family members on a daily basis.
Did you ever feel like you’ve been forced to “grow up” too soon? Were you given heavy responsibilities while you were still a child—sometimes without a choice? That’s “parentification,” and a key sign of family dysfunction.
Parents may be absent due to addiction or their own psychological problems. We often see parentification in households that have drug or alcohol abuse.
Either way, parents are unable to perform daily functions—cooking, feeding their children, etc, which forces their children to assume these responsibilities.
Because children do this at the expense of their own developmental needs and pursuits, it can lead to poor identity development, unassertiveness, and incapability to develop healthy interpersonal relationships.
This leads to lifelong repercussions. An adult who was forced to be a parent to a parent as a child will often feel compelled to serve as a source of stability and authority, even at their own expense.
Being neglected — or having unmet needs, is one of the key indicators of family dysfunction. And it often stems from a family being unable to direct energy equally to all family members.
When one or more f amily members display toxic behavior , they often get most—if not all—the attention.
According to nationally recognized clinical psychologist Sherrie Campbell, this leaves victims “ emotionally starved. ” This emotional starvation results in an insecure attachment— clinginess, lack of respect for boundaries, and dependency. It can also result in the opposite—aloofness and emotional avoidance.
All of us have been through unique experiences that have shaped us for better and for worse.
But we’ve also bought into many foundational beliefs and habits which motivate and guide us at the deepest level, often without our full knowledge.
When it comes to your personal spiritual journey, which toxic habits have you unknowingly picked up? 
Is it the need to be positive all the time? Is it a sense of superiority over those who lack spiritual awareness? 
As this powerful free video



from the shaman Rudá Iandé digs into, there’s an effective way to undo the disempowering beliefs that are trapping us…
If we are willing to be radically honest and face ourselves in the right way.
I grew up with parents who were mostly fighting. Truthfully, I saw them fighting more than being affectionate with each other.
That’s one sign of a toxic family — constant, festering conflict between its members.
Fights never end. They never get resolved. And you often let wounds and resentment fester rather than solve the issues at hand.
This is because you are incapable of resolving conflicts in a healthy manner.
The causes are different for every family. Mainly, it’s because of a corrupt parenting style —abusive, controlling, or neglectful parents .
If this happened during a child’s developing years, the psychological effect is detrimental.
Studies show that when they blame themselves over their parents’ fights, they develop anti-social behavior. While children who feel threatened by the constant conflict develop emotional problems like depression.
Violence doesn’t just stop at physical abuse. It takes the form of emotional, sexual, psychological, economic, spiritual, and even legal abuse.
This list is by no means exhaustive.
If you’ve grown around domestic violence, even if you were not directly physically abused, that still leaves a profound impact on you.
This means that you still experience the psychological effects of an abuse victim
Consequences of growing up in a violent home stretch out from physical wounds. It can cause deep-seated psychological distress, from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, to an inclination towards drug and alcohol abuse.
And unfortunately, this is what creates a cycle of dysfunction, but as Dr. Wind explains:
“A person may turn to drug or alcohol abuse and addiction as that may be the only way they know to cope with their struggles. They may find it difficult to trust people and be unable to form healthy relationships.”
Abuse is horrible and debilitating. It can shadow us for a lifetime. It can also keep us locked in a dark cell in our own mind and heart, unsure of how to get out



.
Family dysfunction doesn’t stop when a child grows up. Instead, it evolves, using different tactics to still destabilize relationships and healthy psyches.
Here are some examples of how toxic familial relationships play out amongst adults.
We all want what’s best for our loved ones. Sometimes we feel that they don’t know what’s best for them, so we try to step in. This is normal.
What’s not normal is when people relentlessly try to control other’s every single action.
Ever hear the phrase “it’s for your own good?” Ever think “that’s probably not true?” That’s controlling.
A life-long study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology studied results of controlling and caring parenting styles.
The researchers found that those who were raised by warm and responsive parents were happier and satisfied with their lives .
On the other hand, controlling parents made their children unhappy and dissatisfied later on.
According to lead author Dr. Mai Stafford:
“By contrast, psychological control was significantly associated with lower life satisfaction and mental wellbeing. Examples of psychological control include not allowing children to make their own decisions, invading their privacy and fostering dependence.”
This can be for both children and adults. Oftentimes, this dynamic starts at childhood and continues well into adulthood.
This “dominant-submissive” family dysfunction means one family member rules everything. They have no consideration for other members’ feelings or opinions.
The dominant authoritative figure makes other members feel voiceless and powerless.
In a parent-children relationship, the dominant parent makes children grow up with low self-esteem.
Do you ever feel like your sole purpose in life is to care for your parent or sibling? Do they only show affection or value you as long as you can serve their financial or emotional needs?
Yes, this may not be as blatant as physical or verbal abuse. But it is still a sign of family dysfunction. 
Healthy adults are able to care for their own needs without needing someone else to provide it for them constantly. Period .
Exploitation happens when there is deliberate manipulation or abuse of power. It happens when someone is taking advantage of a person or a situation.
If you are experiencing this, remember:
It is not your responsibility to take care of their every need. They shouldn’t exploit you emotionally or financially.
Family should be there for you, yes. It should be a support system, but it shouldn’t demand all of your time and effort.
A healthy family is a unit of support and love, but it is not a constant source of obligation. Love is supposed to be given freely , if not unconditionally.
Infantilizing is evident when there are one or more narcissistic members in the family. It could also come from parents who have low self-esteem.
The more official definition of infantilization, according to The Collins Dictionary is “ the act of prolonging an infantile state in a person by treating them as an infant.”
In simpler terms, it’s deliberately treating or making someone feel much younger than their age—as someone incapable of responsibility, decision making, or at succeeding in things in life.
Parents can view their kids as an extension of themselves. As a result, they are threatened by the thought of their children “getting away” from their hold.
They will use a number of tactics to keep you in line. Ultimately, they do everything in their power to undermine your growing independence.
According to licensed clinical and forensic psychologist Dr. Shannon McHugh:
“Parents who infantilize their children will emphasize a child’s incompetence in independent activities, making it difficult for them to feel confident of their ability to do things on their own without that parent.
“This can ultimately cause the child to develop a sense of anxiety or insecurity about being on their own or making their own decisions, which can lead to overdependence on their parent, and an inability to function in the world on their own.”
If you’ve been infantilized your whole life, you might have your own feelings of low self-esteem. You doubt your decisions and choices. You’re scared to take risks. And you have a hard time gaining confidence when you need it the most.
But low self-esteem can also come from having an unnecessary amount of pressure placed on you as a child.
“Many people who grew up in toxic families may also have low self-esteem and be unaware of their true feelings because they’ve been taught to deny their needs and put other people’s needs first,” says Dr. Wind.
We all dread family get-togethers for one special reason—the incessant questions:
It’s normal for families to be a little critical because they only want what they think is best for you.
But a toxic family takes it on another level entirely.
It’s an environment where you never get anything right. Even when you do succeed, they still find ways to put you down. They belittle your achievements and constantly make you feel incompetent and unsuccessful.
People who grow up in healthy and loving homes were blessed with years of loving affirmation, which has given them innate self-worth that allows them to take criticism and rejection in stride.
On the other hand, when growing up in a highly critical household, all you’ve ever known is negativity, ingrained by the self-doubt of being raised by a judgmental family.
(Resilience and mental toughness are key attributes to living your best life. Check out our popular eBook on developing mental toughness here ).
Families are supposed to be a source of strength, stability, and validation.
When there’s family dysfunction, these dynamics are turned upside down.
instead of support, you get derision. Instead of compassion, you receive cruelty.
Not all toxicity is active. Rebuffing requests for sympathy and compassion can be just as damaging as actively attacking a family member.
So how can you be sure that your family is toxic, or just a typical family who bickers from time to time?
It’s normal to have arguments between family members. No matter how much we love each other, we all have differences.
However, a healthy and loving family knows how to handle these conflicts and differences with trust, respect, and open-mindedness.
You’re in a good and loving home if you’re allowed and encouraged to have your own thoughts, to speak up, and to live your own life according to your own terms.
Toxic families are rife with patterns of abuse , discrimination , manipulation , verbal violence , etc.
To find out more about dysfunctional families, we spoke to clinical psychologist Dr. Brian Wind from JourneyPure .
“One sign of a dysfunctional family is addictions such as alcohol, drugs, or gambling as they can represent unhealthy coping mechanisms. There may be a lack of boundaries between parents and children, and family members may not trust each other with their issues or problems.”
Often, family members enable someone’s narcissism or even psychopathic behavior. This could be the main reason for instability at home.
Dr. Wind continues to highlight the different types of situations that occur:
“A dysfunctional family member may also constantly send mixed messages where they may be cruel and mean one day and loving the other. There could also be emotional neglect and abuse, and constant lying or secret-keeping between family members”
No matter the case, toxic family dynamics affect most of its members to the point that it causes extreme anxiety, depression, and a host of mental illnesses.
But before we learn about breaking from toxic and dysfunctional families, we need to first understand where the cycle begins and the reasons behind it:
There are many reasons that could lead to a family becoming a toxic one.
Ultimately, the instability is caused by a toxic system that affects every member of the family.
Author and psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Lerner explains :
“Families are dysfunctional because families are anxious systems. There is always something that sends emotional shock waves through a family as it moves through the life cycle.”
“Anxiety, for example, drives triangles. Family members take sides, lose objectivity, and over-focus on each other in a worried or blaming way, and join one person’s camp at the expense of another. Anxiety heightens reactivity, which makes family members quick to try to change and fix each other.”
In worst-case scenarios, it could stem from having abusive parents who control and distort everything in their path. It may be due to a history of abuse from their own childhood, too.
Sometimes it could also be cultural. In some countries, toxic behaviors may be considered the “norm” and are often overlooked.
Here are other reasons why a family becomes toxic:
So is all lost, or can these issues be worked through and resolved?
Knowing how to break free and end the dysfunctional cycle isn’t easy, but it can be done. With patience and a strong will to change, you can heal your wounds and cultivate better relationships.
Dr. Wind explains that to move on, you must first:
“Learn to let go of the old beliefs and thoughts that used to chain you down in a toxic environment. You can make a list of the limiting beliefs you have and write down what each belief is holding you back from. Challenge each belief and write down why it isn’t true and what you’re going to do to change these beliefs.
“Each time you catch yourself thinking of old beliefs and thoughts, actively replace it with a more loving thought This takes time and practice, but eventually you learn to let go of the beliefs and thoughts that don’t serve you anymore.”
So how do you begin this healing process?
It can be overwhelming, so I’d highly recommend watching this free breathwork video



created by Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê, to help get you through it.
The exercises he’s created combine years of breathwork experience and ancient shamanic beliefs, designed to help you relax and check in with your body and soul.
Rudá isn’t another self-professed life coach. Through shamanism and his own life journey, he’s created a modern-day twist to ancient healing techniques.
The exercises in his invigorating video combine years of breathwork experience and ancient shamanic beliefs, designed to help you relax and check in with your body and soul.
A spark to reconnect you with your feelings so that you can begin focussing on the most important relationship of all – the one you have with yourself.
So if you’re ready to take back control over your mind, body, and soul, if you’re ready to say goodbye to anxiety and stress, check out his genuine advice below.
Once you’ve made progress with your healing, you’ve then got an important decision to make.
Ultimately, you have a choice: you can either attempt to modify the relationship with your family to make it safe and secure for you, or you can leave.
You ultimately have to decide whether the relationship is worth salvaging.
I turn again to the wisdom of our spiritual guide, Ruda , “It doesn’t serve you or your lineage to deny your individuality by forcing yourself to follow your parents’ footsteps. Carry on the family torch and use it to light the path that is only yours to walk.”
It’s crucial to remain understanding and supportive when someone you love is going through something difficult.
However, when negativity becomes a pattern and it has brought only sorrow and anxiety in your own life on a regular basis, you know it’s not right.
Being in a toxic family is actually one of the main reasons why people go to therapy in the first place.
According to licensed social worker Alithia Asturrizaga:
“I have worked with countless people who have lived their lives dealing with toxic family members and significant others. In fact, this is one of the chief reasons that many people seek therapy.”
There’s a difference between supporting someone and enabling them.
Everyone wants to have a good relationship with their family but trying to establish relationships with abusers, narcissists, and control-freaks is only an uphill battle.
There’s a time when you have to say enough is enough. But how can you tell when “enough is enough?”
When it becomes a choice between your well-being and keeping a toxic relationship , the choice should always be your peace of mind.
If it brings you more pain than it brings you joy, it’s just not worth it.
Sometimes the price of freeing your mind



is also loosening the bonds that are linking you to people who poison your peace and try to force you into a toxic version of yourself.
So what are some specific signs for when cutting ties is appropriate?
Establishing boundaries is a critical way to regaining personal agency. A toxic family will likely push back against your independence. If, after a time, your boundaries are still not being respected, this might be a sign it’s time to move on.
Present abuse can’t be enabled. If your family is verbally or physically abusive, it’s time to cut off contact now .
While physical abuse isn’t hard to identify, verbal abuse can be trickier to notice. Some common forms are:
Toxic families are often built upon deceit. If your family consistently lies to you , gaslights you, or otherwise distorts the facts to exert control, confusion, or helplessness upon you; you have every right to remove this toxic component from your life.
And what if you can’t break away from your family?
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