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About Me
This is a blog devoted to the love I had with my father....he was both my mother and father all rolled into one.....we had a love that can't be described....I lost my best friend (my dad) on Father's day....a perfect day to go meet his heavenly father....this is a way for me to cope with his loss......
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Some people hide their sadness very well.
So, I haven’t really divulged what has occurred in my life in awhile so I figured that I would share my feelings and things I have been doing to help me in the journey to recover from the loss or losses of loved ones in my life.
Last month sucked. My mother passed away on February 10th just 20 months since my dad died. She passed away a yr. and a half after my grandpa(her father) passed away. So there have been some losses that seem to be resurfacing while I am grieving for my mother. It is not a secret that I was not super close with her but she was my mother and we had rekindled our relationship and have been working on repairing the damage that was done on both ends. This loss was traumatic within itself because I saw her die right before my eyes. It was very hard to watch her be in pain and I not be able to do anything to stop it or make it better. That still hurts and is upsetting to me when I think about it. My emotions that day were all over the place. I feel a sense of guilt because I have been dealing with the loss of my dad right now more so than the loss of mom. I wanted to mourn them in the same way but I know that that is not possible.
I feel as though the same thing happened in regards to my grandpa passing away because I was still dealing with dad’s death and that overshadowed everything. I miss them all =( I want them all to know that and that they were all loved by me and I am excited that they are all in heaven together. Now, I am trying to focus on some self care and really try to deal with all of this before it becomes overwhelming and complicated.
The self care part has been taking place. Daniel and I are going to go to a grief camp for families next month and that will be the first step on this journey toward seeking out therapy or other ways to cope with loss other than internally. I talk about the losses with others and I am not turning to negative measures to cope with the losses. I recognize when I am having a bad day and I try to let myself have that time to cry whether in my office with the door shut, in my car, or at home late at night. Just giving myself the permission to deal with it at that moment is a good thing otherwise I would internalize everything and then blow up unexpectedly on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I am also looking into therapy now that I have insurance. One step at a time though….taking this all in stride. I am learning to be more self aware and present in my situations and not stuck in the past and that has really helped me as well. One step at a time I say……..=)
I like to document my feelings and throughout my life there have been moments that have been forever captured by music and when you hear those songs shared with loved ones, friends, or just what you listened to when you were going through a time in your lives..it has always been there…..Music is a powerful thing…I have learned that music helps surface feelings like; joy, pain, sorrow, happiness, and peace that might be hidden or lost down below and music unleashes those…..
Our culture is so uncomfortable with emotion that is expressed these days…like one should be able to stop expressing their feelings of a loss because they should be over it by now…it is sad……Taking time is ok…..crying is ok..distance from others that bring you down is another way to free yourself from worrying about how to grieve……and what way is best and who knows the right way to do so…..each person is different and I wished that people would get over themselves and allow someone to express themselves however they need to without judgement.
Music is therapeutic…..it helps me dream, laugh, cry, and smile =) My favorite time to jam is usually in the car…..singing and dancing too on occasion…..=) It takes me to some good memories that were shared with dad and I…..I miss his voice….his laugh….he could sing anything….and I loved harmonizing with him…..so when I sing….I look at his pics in my car…and jam on….touch his pic and say hello…..
Music helps me cope…it is my therapist….it is my friend…it can relate to how I am feeling because the lyrics half of the time are so convicting or ring so true to how I am feeling….it is so refreshing to have a companion that doesn’t make it about them, doesn’t give me a time limit to cry or vent or talk and it calms me down if I am upset…..music has always been there and is indeed one of my best friends….it doesn’t judge me…..and that is amazing……rock on and jam on…..love you more udadu
Here we go again….getting closer to the holidays and I still at times feel like my dad just went trucking and can’t make it home…..Still hard to believe that he is gone….One thing I have been embracing is that Dad is with me…in one way or another….sad random thing that happened recently was when my dad’s watch died….this watch was still ticking away down in the basement and as my brother and I were going through all of dad’s stuff a couple of months ago…there was his watch….I kept it and have worn it on and off since…..I wear it to work to represent him there with me so the fact that it just died randomly, unexpectedly….made me flash back to the day he passed and how it was similar……random, unexpected…despite what most people would say….he was getting better….he just got out of the Nursing Facility and I got him back home…where he wanted to be…..I wish the last time I saw him alive would have gone differently…I can’t change that ….but it does still hurt….I know that he knows how much I love him and always will….
Part of me does not see the point of cooking a huge meal for the holidays because he is not with us to enjoy it. He was a great cook….and loved making the holiday meals……It just isn’t the same…..If I had a wish….I would wish for a day….a day to say my goodbyes…a day to express the love that I have for him…..to cry together one last time, sing together, and of course laugh one more time……I miss him so much……
Today you have officially been in Heaven for 6 months……time has went by…..this morning I woke up to your scent…..and had another dream of you…….so weird…..but no surprise indeed….I have had a rough time letting you go….I am starting to be at peace with it…these holidays will be rough but I know that one day at a time I will press on and you will be with me for sure…..in spirit….in my dreams and thoughts…..you have always been there and I will forever be grateful for the love and support you have provided for Ted and I…..lum u dad u=) xoxo
I know that you are in heaven hanging with friends, family, celebrities, singers, and of course God…..but I miss you so much. I was very proud of myself for not crying on Thanksgiving and represented you well at Chad’s house. His mom even said that I reminded her of you….that made my day…..we have the same humor….we have the same funny smile…that infectious laugh…..you gave that to me…usually you and I use laughter to mask what is really going on…but lately that has not been easy to do…in fact it makes people uncomfortable the way that I have changed…..I really wish I could go back to the way I was…but losing you really affected me….I think of you often…I try to talk about you as much as I can….but the pain, guilt, hurt, and the constant reminder that you are gone has made it that much harder to laugh again. They say that you go through 5 stages of grief……well I keep going back and forth between the 5 and anger is one that I haven’t been dealing with very well. I am not angry that you are in heaven…nor would I wish that you would be back….I just miss you and wished that I could say goodbye in person…ya know? I am scared to turn 30 and not get that call at midnight from you saying I am the 1st one to wish you a happy birthday. I will miss that…and your hugs, kisses, and voice….your singing….jokes….I just miss you so much……So even though I didn’t cry on Thanksgiving…my heart was still aching for my best friend…..I know you know how much I love you…..lum u dad u
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