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Plus: Can I keep my ex-girlfriend’s panties?
by
Savage Love
October 31st, 2014 October 1st, 2022
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My son is 15 going on 16, and he’s been experimenting with masturbation. At the moment, I pretty much just think fine, whatever, he’s a teenager, there’s very little I can do about it. So long as he doesn’t get porn-obsessed and start letting his grades slip, it’s fine. The issue is that, a few months ago, his younger sister found one of her tampons in the garbage, and it was covered with poop. She brought it up to me and my wife, and we didn’t think much of it—until a couple of months ago, when my wife discovered, again, a used, shitty tampon in the garbage. We had a talk with our son and told him that we understand he is maturing sexually and we don’t care how he explores his sexuality. However, we also don’t want to find shitty tampons or whatever else in the garbage. Then, a couple of days ago, we were going to bed and we heard a noise coming from his bathroom. We checked it out and found his toothbrush in the sink, butt-end being rinsed with the water running full blast for who knows how long (he was downstairs). We asked him why he was doing that, and he said the cat had pissed on his toothbrush. We think his story is bullshit, as although the cat does piss on the floor, the cat has never peed on a counter before.
We are fine with him exploring his sexuality, but at the same time, we don’t want to find tidbits of what he’s doing out in the open. As I’ve explained to him, he needs to do a better job of hiding it, because if a friend had come over and found a shitty tampon in the garbage can, what would they think? However, it looks like shaming him to hide it better might be the only way. What are your thoughts on this? Are we in the wrong here? —Perplexed Over Progeny’s Sexuality
You haven’t found any more shit-covered tampons in the trash since you spoke to your son about it months ago, POPS, so either he’s doing a better job of hiding those shit-covered tampons—he’s honoring his father and mother—or he’s not putting his sister’s tampons up his ass anymore. And your concern for the delicate sensibilities of your friends is a bit of a reach. A true friend wouldn’t paw through the trash in your bathroom, and anyone who did dig through the trash in your bathroom deserves to find not just one shit-smeared tampon, but a handful.
As for the toothbrush, POPS, it wasn’t left “out in the open.” You found it in the sink in his bathroom. You discovered it because he stupidly left the water running full blast, it’s true, but it wasn’t out in the open in a shared communal space. If you had texted me the moment you found the toothbrush, I would’ve immediately texted you back and advised you to turn the water off and refrain from asking your son about the toothbrush. If you had to say something to him about it, POPS, I would’ve advised you to go with this: “Don’t leave the water running in your sink.”
Your son would’ve figured that you saw the toothbrush, figured that you figured it had been in his ass, and never made that mistake again. (Just as he’s never made the tampon mistake again.) But you made the mistake of asking your son for an explanation (“Why are you doing that?”) in a context where (1) your son isn’t going to tell you the truth (“The cat pissed on it, Pops!”), and (2) you can’t handle the truth (“I was fucking myself in the ass with it, Pops!”).
Zooming out for a second: A boy who’s almost 16 isn’t “experimenting with masturbation.” He’s perfecting his technique. And we can deduce from the tampons and toothbrushes that your son likes assplay. That’s not a problem. Inconsideration used to be a problem (disposing of shitty tampons where his family members might find them), but he’s knocked that off, right? So the only remaining problem is that he’s putting things in his ass that aren’t designed for assplay.
If you don’t want your son abusing any cucumbers or mixing spoons or Oscar statuettes that might be lying around your house—and if you don’t want to have to rush him to an emergency room in a few months to retrieve something that gets stuck in his ass—consider purchasing a few ass-appropriate toys for him, i.e., one or two small silicone butt plugs with flared bases. He’ll be mortified when you give them to him, POPS, but no more mortified than you were when you found those shitty tampons.
Buying sex toys for kids is a hurdle most parents can’t clear. If it’s not something you can do, then you’ll have to turn a blind eye to any toothbrushes you might find in sinks over the next few years.
You’ll also want to thoroughly wash cucumbers before consuming them. —Dan
Say your boyfriend has a spanking fetish, and he spanks other women with one particular belt—but not you, because you don’t like it, but you’re OK with him making dates to spank others—and he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you’ve asked him not to. What’s going on here? —Ass Spared, Feelings Hurt
Equal parts inconsideration (on his part) and insecurity (on your part) are combining to create unnecessary drama. If spanking is so central to his identity that he has to wear his spanking belt every day, you may be the wrong girlfriend for him. If seeing an easy-to-overlook reminder of his fetish leaves this hurt, you’re less OK with those spanking dates than you pretend to be, ASFH, and he may be the wrong boyfriend for you. —Dan
I recently came across a pair of my ex-girlfriend’s lacy panties in an old pair of shorts I haven’t worn in years. I love wearing women’s panties, and I almost hit the floor when I found them. I was a mess after this girl dumped me. I was devastated. To this day, I have not found closure. This is where it gets tricky. A part of me wants to keep them because it’s so hot that they’re hers. I’m happy with my current girlfriend—I love her—but these panties really turn me on. The other part tells me to “show some respect” and get rid of them. Is this an ethical or moral issue? By keeping them, am I driving a wedge between me and my girlfriend? Any advice? —Old Panties Protocol
You’re entitled to your memories and your keepsakes. And if a pair of panties can drive a wedge between you and your current girlfriend, OPP, then your relationship is made of pretty flimsy stuff. If an old pair of panties doesn’t destroy it, the next strong breeze will.
Keep the panties, I say, but put them away somewhere that isn’t easily accessed—in a box in your storage space, on a high shelf in a closet—so you aren’t tempted to haul them out every time you want to have a wank. But now and then, maybe when the girlfriend is out of town, I don’t see the harm in retrieving your ex-girlfriend’s panties and enjoying a nice, long, leisurely wank down memory lane.
And finally, OPP, closure isn’t something you find. It’s something you do. —Dan
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
(left) Busts of the Roman emperor Hadrian (left) and his male lover Antinous , now at the British Museum (right) Roman mosaic from Susa, Libya , depicting the myth of Zeus in the form of an eagle abducting the boy Ganymede
^ Craig Williams, Roman Homosexuality (Oxford University Press, 1999, 2010), p. 304, citing Saara Lilja, Homosexuality in Republican and Augustan Rome (Societas Scientiarum Fennica, 1983), p. 122.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , passim; Elizabeth Manwell, "Gender and Masculinity," in A Companion to Catullus (Blackwell, 2007), p. 118.
^ Kristina Minor (2014). Graffiti and the Literary Landscape in Roman Pompeii . Oxford University Press. p. 212. ISBN 978-0199684618 . Despite the best efforts of scholars, we have essentially no direct evidence of female homoerotic love in Rome: the best we can do is a collection of hostile literary and technical treatments ranging from Phaedrus to Juvenal to the medical writers and Church fathers, all of which condemn sex between women as low-class, immoral, barbarous, and disgusting.
^ Skinner, Sexuality in Greek and Roman Culture , p. 69
^ Christopher A. Faraone (2001). Ancient Greek Love Magic . Harvard University Press. p. 148. ISBN 978-0674006966 .
^ Thomas A.J. McGinn, Prostitution, Sexuality and the Law in Ancient Rome (Oxford University Press, 1998), p. 326. See the statement preserved by Aulus Gellius 9.12. 1 that " it was an injustice to bring force to bear against the body of those who are free" ( vim in corpus liberum non aecum ... adferri ).
^ Eva Cantarella , Bisexuality in the Ancient World (Yale University Press, 1992, 2002, originally published 1988 in Italian), p. xii.
^ Elaine Fantham , "The Ambiguity of Virtus in Lucan's Civil War and Statius' Thebiad ," Arachnion 3; Andrew J.E. Bell, "Cicero and the Spectacle of Power," Journal of Roman Studies 87 (1997), p. 9; Edwin S. Ramage, "Aspects of Propaganda in the De bello gallico : Caesar’s Virtues and Attributes," Athenaeum 91 (2003) 331–372; Myles Anthony McDonnell, Roman manliness: virtus and the Roman Republic (Cambridge University Press, 2006) passim ; Rhiannon Evans, Utopia Antiqua: Readings of the Golden Age and Decline at Rome (Routledge, 2008), pp. 156–157.
^ Davina C. Lopez, "Before Your Very Eyes: Roman Imperial Ideology, Gender Constructs and Paul's Inter-Nationalism," in Mapping Gender in Ancient Religious Discourses (Brill, 2007), pp. 135–138.
^ Cantarella, Bisexuality in the Ancient World , p. xi; Marilyn B. Skinner, introduction to Roman Sexualities (Princeton University Press, 1997), p. 11.
^ Craig A. Williams, Roman Homosexuality (Oxford University Press, 1999), p. 18.
^ Rebecca Langlands , Sexual Morality in Ancient Rome (Cambridge University Press, 2006), p. 13.
^ For further discussion of how sexual activity defines the free, respectable citizen from the slave or "un-free" person, see Master-slave relations in ancient Rome .
^ Amy Richlin, The Garden of Priapus: Sexuality and Aggression in Roman Humor (Oxford University Press, 1983, 1992), p. 225.
^ Catharine Edwards, "Unspeakable Professions: Public Performance and Prostitution in Ancient Rome," in Roman Sexualities , pp. 67–68.
^ Cantarella, Bisexuality in the Ancient World , p. xi; Skinner, introduction to Roman Sexualities , p. 11.
^ Cantarella, Bisexuality in the Ancient World , pp. xi–xii; Skinner, introduction to Roman Sexualities , pp. 11–12.
^ Amy Richlin, "Sexuality in the Roman Empire," in A Companion to the Roman Empire (Blackwell, 2006), p. 329. The lower classes ( humiliores ) were subject to harsher penalties than the elite ( honestiores ).
^ This is a theme throughout Carlin A. Barton, The Sorrows of the Ancient Romans: The Gladiator and the Monster (Princeton University Press, 1993).
^ Richlin, The Garden of Priapus , p. 33. "Whatever the relationship between the poetry and the reality, it is a fact that poems to pueri are as common as poems to mistresses, and are similar in tone."
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., pp. 36–39.
^ Cantarella, Bisexuality in the Ancient World , p. 120; Edward Courtney, The Fragmentary Latin Poets (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1992), p. 75.
^ Ramsay MacMullen , "Roman Attitudes to Greek Love," Historia 31.4 (1982), pp. 484–502.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., pp. 16, 327, 328.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., pp. 70–78.
^ Jump up to: a b Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., p. 23.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., p. 24.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., p. 19.
^ Quintilian , Institutio Oratoria , 10.1.93.
^ Cantarella, Bisexuality in the Ancient World , p. 154.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., p. 12.
^ Catullus , Carmina 24, 48, 81, 99.
^ John Pollini , "The Warren Cup: Homoerotic Love and Symposial Rhetoric in Silver," Art Bulletin 81.1 (1999), p. 28.
^ Lucretius, De rerum natura 4.1052–1056). See also Sexuality in ancient Rome#Epicurean sexuality .
^ Amy Richlin, "Not before Homosexuality: The Materiality of the cinaedus and the Roman Law against Love between Men," Journal of the History of Sexuality 3.4 (1993), p. 536.
^ Tibullus , Book One, elegies 4, 8, and 9.
^ Propertius 4.2.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., pp. 35 and 189.
^ Suetonius. "The Life of Vergil" . University of Chicago .
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , pp. 116–119.
^ Mark Petrini, The Child and the Hero: Coming of Age in Catullus and Vergil (University of Michigan Press, 1997), pp. 24–25.
^ James Anderson Winn, The Poetry of War (Cambridge University Press, 2008), p. 162.
^ Ovid , Ars Amatoria 2.683–684; Pollini, "Warren Cup," p. 36.
^ Judith P. Hallett; Marilyn Skinner, eds. (1997). Roman Sexualities . Princeton University Press. p. 55.
^ As at Metamorphoses 10.155ff.
^ Habinek , "The Invention of Sexuality in the World-City of Rome," p. 31 et passim .
^ Paul Chrystal (2017). In Bed with the Romans . Amberley Publishing. ISBN 978-1445666730 .
^ Potter, David S., ed. (2009). "Sexuality in the Roman Empire". A Companion to the Roman Empire . John Wiley & Sons. p. 335. ISBN 978-1-4051-9918-6 .
^ Louis Crompton, Byron and Greek Love (London, 1998), p. 93.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , 2nd ed., p. 351, n. 150.
^ Johns, Catherine (1982). Sex or Symbol? Erotic Images of Greece and Rome . British Museum . pp. 102–104.
^ Jump up to: a b Clarke, “Sexuality and Visual Representation,” p. 514
^ Richlin, The Garden of Priapus , p. 223.
^ Jump up to: a b Skinner, Sexuality in Greek and Roman Culture , p. 369
^ James L. Butrica (2005). "Some Myths and Anomalies in the Study of Roman Sexuality". Same-Sex Desire and Love in Greco-Roman Antiquity and in the Classical Tradition . Haworth Press. p. 210.
^ Jump up to: a b c Clarke, Looking at Lovemaking , p. 78.
^ Andrew Lear , “Ancient Pederasty: An Introduction,” in A Companion to Greek and Roman Sexualities , edited by Thomas K. Hubbard, 102–127 (Malden, MA: Wiley-Blackwell, 2014), p: 107.
^ Nick Fisher; Aeschines (2001). Against Timarchus . Clarendon Press. p. 50. ISBN 978-0198149026 .
^ "The monuments of the ancient Pompeii - SUBURBAN BATH - POMPEII" . www.pompeii.org.uk .
^ John R. Clarke, “Sexuality and Visual Representation,” in A Companion to Greek and Roman Sexualities , edited by Thomas K. Hubbard, 509–33 (Malden, MA: Wiley-Blackwell, 2014).
^ John R. Clarke, Looking at Lovemaking: Constructions of Sexuality in Roman Art 100 B.C.–A.D. 250 (University of California Press, 1998, 2001), p. 234.
^ Clarke, Looking at Lovemaking , pp. 234–235.
^ Clarke, Looking at Lovemaking , p. 255.
^ Habinek, "The Invention of Sexuality in the World-City of Rome," in The Roman Cultural Revolution , p. 39.
^ Williams, Roman Homosexuality , pp. 69–70.
^ Amy Richlin, "Pliny's Brassiere," in Roman Sexualities , p. 215.
^ David Fredrick, The Roman Gaze: Vision, Power, and the Body (Johns Hopkins University Press, 2002), p. 156.
^ Paul Zanker, The Power of Images in the Age of Augustus (University of Michigan Press, 1988), pp. 239–240, 249–250 et passim .
^ John Pollini, "The Warren Cup: Homoerotic Love and Symposial Rhetoric in Silver," Art Bulletin 81.1 (1999) 21–52. John R. Clarke, Looking at Lovemaking: Constructions of Sexuality in Roman Art 100 B.C.–A.D. 250 (University of California Press, 1998, 2001), p. 61, asserts that the Warren cup is valuable for art history and as a document of Roman sexuality precisely because of its "relatively secure date."
^ Poll
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