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The terms means something completely different in BDSM than in real life.
In real life, if someone called you a “brat,” that would be super not OK. You’d probably call them a dick and walk away. But in BDSM, being a brat has different implications.
One of the things that makes BDSM play so much fun is the ability to take on roles or personalities that might be opposite or exaggerated versions of who you are in real life. Maybe you work hard all day as a teacher, so when it comes to sex, you just want to be told what to do for once. Or maybe you’re used to having a mean boss who tells you what to do all day, so when you’re engaging in BDSM, you like to be stripped down naked and humiliated with a paddle emblazoned with the word “slut” on it. BDSM is exceptionally versatile; while the roles you can play are endless, one of the most interesting among BDSM lovers is the "brat."
A brat is a consensual role the submissive takes on because they enjoy being a little bit of an as*hole to their dominant partner, (also stylized as Dom, with a capital D), which of course can lead to some consensual punishment , such as a spanking. *wink wink*
“A brat is a submissive who loves to playfully push buttons and ‘break’ rules. They behave this way to deliberately provoke attention from their Dominant,” says Charyn Pfeuffer, sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating . It’s less about being a complete jerk; it’s more playful. “Think sassy and mischievous, versus straight-up disobedient,” Pfeuffer adds.
Brats love “poking the bear,” or provoking their Dom. Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop, says a brat might purposely burn something in the oven as a way to get a response: "Yes, I burned your bread...so what are you going to do about it?” she offers as an example.
While being a brat is one role in the umbrella category of “submissive,” you don’t need to be a brat to be a submissive.
Masochist: Someone who enjoys having pain inflicted on them.
Baby girl/baby boy: Usually enjoys being treated gently and with care. This is part of a Daddy/Mommy Dom/sub dynamic.
Good girl/Good boy: A submissive who gets off on pleasing their sub and following orders (essentially the exact opposite of a brat).
Slave: A submissive who is the servant to their Dom. This dynamic can include sex, but it doesn’t have to be sexual. Some consensual slaves enjoy being completely at the disposal of their Dom, with no sex involved.
The "tamer" is the role the Dom takes on with their brat. There are many ways to play that role: Maybe you’re a mean teacher, a cranky boss, or a fed-up Daddy. Or maybe you’re just a straight up Dom who tames their brat, without any frills—there is no end to the possibilities.
“They will punish the brat when they display bad behavior," says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness . "This may include restraints or impact play. A tamer's job is to bring the brat to submission."
An important aspect of the brat-tamer's job is earning the brat's respect, explains Kenneth Play , sex hacker and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . A tamer needs to maintain control and not get flustered by their brat’s naughty behaviors. “Some brats really like to provoke the dom; this is where sexual confidence really matters,” he says. “That’s why I always recommend doms to have their sexual education preceded with experience. Because if you fold at this moment, that’s when it’s over. It’s a way of proving that you can keep your sh*t together under pressure.”
Of course, if you know you enjoy the brat/brat-tamer dynamic, the bratty behavior probably won't upset you in a “real” way. After all, everything in BDSM is negotiated and must be consensual. Being a brat-tamer “isn’t about controlling your partner or being resentful of their bratty tendencies, but recognizing the playfulness of the dynamic and finding mutual pleasure in an erotic tug of war,” says Lorrae Bradbury , a sex coach and founder of the sex-positive site, Slutty Girl Problems.
It’s important to note once again that all "acting out" and "taming" between a Dom and sub is consensual, and that everyone must understand the agreed-upon boundaries.
The brat acts out in a way that is a fit for the dynamic with their tamer. “A brat knows exactly how to get under their Dominant’s skin,” says Pfeuffer. “They could talk back, ignore commands, or even start a physical altercation.”
Oh, but there’s more. A brat “may minimize their partners' masculinity/sexuality or try to humiliate their tamer,” Saynt says. “When a tamer tells them a command, they might refuse and fold their arms in opposition. They may have a temper tantrum and refuse to comply with their partners demands. When the brat acts out, the tamer takes action.”
“For brats, it’s often important to explain the philosophy behind being bratty, and explore how brattiness is playful fun rather than intentionally disruptive, to familiarize the partner with the concepts,” Bradbury says.
Bradbury points out that being a “brat” is usually something that comes naturally. “Being a brat is often more of a personality trait than a type of [BDSM] play activity, so it’s important to show up as your authentic self during play and navigating new connections, to find partners who are more naturally aligned to play with your desires and personality,” she explains. This means that doing bratty, cheeky things should feel natural to you, and in the same vein, a tamer should feel inclined and turned on by taking on this role.
One of the fun parts of being a brat is that it’s super accessible to anyone. “Talk about the [brat] fantasy and start off by bringing it into your every day,” Saynt suggests. “If your partner asks you to do something like 'pass the remote,' refuse [to do so].”
When you’re first starting out, being really clear that this is part of the “game” can be very helpful. “Speak in a higher octave and engage your inner brat,” Saynt says. “Say things like ‘What are you gonna do about it?’ [and] then take your punishment like the spoiled princess [or prince] you know you can be.”
Since this dynamic hinges on pushing and playing with “limits,” Play says that communication in a brat/brat-tamer dynamic is really important. Everyone should feel safe within the erotic game. “This applies to both sides; it’s just as important that the sub makes the dom feel safe to play this type of game as it is for the dom to check in with the sub,” he says.
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