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I came home from work early last week to find my teenage daughter in a state of almost total undress with a guy. I nearly lost my life and screamed at him to get out of the house. She is just 14 years old.
I was so furious I couldn't speak to her for the rest of the day.
Since then, I have laid down rules, which she sees as completely unacceptable. She can no longer be in the house on her own (I've taken her house keys from her.)
She is forbidden from seeing this boy and I told her I need to be told every day where exactly she is going. We are still barely speaking, but I'm so shocked at seeing her virtually having sex. She has only just finished first year.
My husband thinks I'm being too harsh and is feeling sorry for her. He pointed out that when my son was up to something similar a few years ago I was nowhere near as angry.
This is different. If she gets pregnant, she is the one who will carry the can.
I think her school is also part of the problem. It was not my first choice, and I always felt there was a very relaxed attitude to sex and drug use there. I'm sorely tempted to look into other schools, preferably an all-girl's school.
In the meantime, she has already purchased tickets for a festival away, which I now regret letting her buy. I'm in two minds whether I should let her go.
No matter which way you look at this, 14 years of age is very young. I can understand your dramatic reaction to the sight, but wonder amid all the rules if there was any attempt to have a conversation with your daughter. Laying down the law might have seemed like the only solution, but alienating yourself from her will only create further problems.
Changing schools without her consent will send her resentment soaring. Neither will attendance at an all-girls' school stop her from having underage sex, I'm afraid. This is a matter you're going to have to handle delicately, and it's important your husband speaks from the same rulebook.
Finding your daughter, your child, engaged in sexual behaviour is an image that the most liberal parent would scarper from. Think for a moment, though, what it must be like for her: I could think of few more horrific things than to be caught up in an amorous moment by my mother. Your daughter is probably still shrieking inside at the scene you witnessed. No wonder you can barely speak. The fact is that it happened, and now you need to confront it.
By the way, just because she was barely clothed doesn't necessarily mean they were on the verge of having sex. Contrary to typical Hollywood scenes, teenagers can spend plenty of time fooling around without having sex. When your daughter decides to have sex is not something you can control. What you can influence is how she goes about it and how prepared she feels for what she is undertaking.
Fourteen is a tough age for parents and children. She's now fully into her teens and yet only a couple of years out of childhood. It's a hard transition for parents. Suddenly, you're faced with your child engaging in activity associated with adulthood. At this stage, she is starting to experiment in new behaviours. It's an exciting and terrifying time. She might want to push the boundaries as far as she can. Tempting as it is to forbid her from seeing people you see as having a bad influence, you're adding drama to the situation and possibly only increasing her desire to meet them.
Do you know anything about this boy? Is he really the problem here? How do you know he was the one who instigated any of the behaviour? At this stage, girls tend to be more advanced and curious about having relationships. If she is feeling peer pressure, you could be the support she needs to figure her way around the minefield of teenage sex.
It's easy to have double standards about your children, but I don't believe it's helpful either to your daughter or to the wider issue. Sure, if she gets pregnant she will be carrying the child, but we need to be encouraging young men to take equal responsibility. If we continue to tell young girls they always need to shoulder greater responsibility for sex, we are in effect leaving boys off the hook.
Punishing your daughter for something her brother was doing at her age some years ago without recrimination will also drive up resentment. She does need to take responsibility for her actions, but your double standards mean you are letting him off lightly.
The selection of school might influence your child's academic career and her lifestyle choices a little, but far more influential will be the friends she hangs around with and the relationship she has with her parents.
I wonder what you mean by the school's attitude to sex and drug use. I know many secondary schools now deal very frankly with the issue in first year. They do so to try and catch pupils when they are young and before the real experimenting starts. Schools have learned that telling pupils not to do something rarely works -- advising them to act cautiously and responsibly will have a far better effect.
Removing any child from a school is a big decision. Questions will be asked in her old school, while she will be the new girl in the new school for at least a year. I would strongly advise against it.
Fourteen is young to be heading away on a festival. It seems your eyes have been opened all of a sudden, and you're not liking what you're seeing. There are surely ways of working around this. If she is going away to a festival, who is going with her? Where is she staying, and does she need to have one of you with her? I can't think you would just let her off for a couple of days without knowing who else will be there.
You are going to have to start bartering more and more now. She needs some leeway or she will rebel against everything. Use this as an opportunity to work out what rules are truly fair and what boundaries make sense. Talk to her about her sexual behaviour and don't hope it will just go away. Find out the issues she's coming to terms with too. During these years the mother-daughter relationship is very important.
Don't be too hasty. Try to look at the world through her eyes. She is still the child she was, and chances are she would be relieved to know an adult she can trust has her best interests at heart.
Orla Barry is social affairs correspondent with Newstalk 106-108fm and presents 'The Green Room' on Mondays from 10pm-12am

By Brittany Chain For Daily Mail Australia 14:16 BST 25 Jun 2021 , updated 14:34 BST 25 Jun 2021
A 24-year-old teacher's sexual abuse of her 14-year-old male student has been laid bare by her messages to the boy - begging him for sex in classrooms, her car and even the school's staircase as a 'farewell' present. 
Monica Elizabeth Young, 24, is facing 12 years in prison after pleading guilty to three counts of aggravated sexual intercourse with a minor.
Young initiated contact with the boy on Snapchat, sending him a message which asked him to 'send pics' in exchange for provocative photos of herself, the NSW District Court's agreed set of facts reveal.   
She would also FaceTime the year nine student as she performed sex acts on herself.  
Her lawyer, former prosecutor Margaret Cunneen SC, told Downing Centre District Court on Thursday it was 'unusual' for women in the position of trust of a school teacher to be charged with such offences. 
Young struck up a relationship with a boy who she taught six times a fortnight in geography, PDHPE and science when they began communicating closely because of the Covid lockdown which shut the school.
They pair first began communicating on Instagram, but the conversations quickly moved to Snapchat, where most of the correspondence during the relationship took place.   
When school returned six weeks later, it was mid-May. The physical relationship between the pair started in June and only ended when the boy's aunt and cousin saw him get into Young's car on July 7.
The victim's cousin even filmed the moment he dragged the boy from the car and reported the pair to the school the next day.
But before they were caught, they had sex on multiple occasions between June 24 and July 6 2020, including at least twice on the school's grounds and once in her car at a local park. 
The agreed facts also reveal the manipulative behaviour she used to encourage the boy to have sex with. 
On one occasion, she messaged him asking him to hug her at school the next day, and when he didn't, she sent a follow up accusing him of 'not having the balls'. 
The dare became a frequent tactic Young used to convince the boy to lure the boy into sexual liaisons.
On another occasion, she sent a message which read: 'It's dangerous if we get caught, but if you do it it'll be worth it'. 
The duo exchanged messages about the sex acts they wanted to perform on each other, with Young initiated the 'sexting' on several occasions.
The most brazen of her offending occurred inside the school's classrooms, once where she messaged her victim to meet him in an English room to perform a sex act on him, and a second time where she groped the boy at the back of the classroom while the rest of the year nine class watched Disney movie, WALL-E.    
During the movie, a friend of the boy even sat on the other side of him as the sex act took place.
The victim was also encouraged to lie about his whereabouts, telling his mother on one occasion he stayed back late at school to get help on an assignment, and even skipped afternoon classes to spend time with Young.
On the last day of school, the duo met on the staircase at 3.20pm to kiss goodbye, and Young performed oral sex on the 14-year-old. 
She then returned to the staff room, the statement of facts read.  
The court heard that while they couldn't find any comparable cases involving a young female teacher, a borderline personality disorder or post-traumatic stress (PTSD) often contributed to such offending.
The court on Thursday heard Young was sexually abused as a child by a student the same age as her victim. 
Her defence indicated there could be a subconscious link between her own trauma and the offending.
'This is by means of explanation and certainly not an excuse... These are the most serious breaches of trust that a teacher could ever be involved in.'
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On Thursday, she tearfully told the court she 'regretted letting the relationship progress' and begged his family for forgiveness. 
After Young's emotional plea, Ms Cunneen asked the court to consider 'how difficult it would be for a young lady of 23, in her first year of teaching, to maintain proper barriers, distance and authority over boys of this age... without being sexist at all'.
'It cannot be forgotten that she was nine years older than the boy... It was an early time in this woman's career, one gets a picture of a woman who could not cope with what she was given.'    
But prosecutor Alexander Terracini dismissed the defence, arguing that gender should not play any role in court proceedings.
He said that despite Young's intentions in becoming a teacher, the 'fact of the matter is that within months of accepting her first job she was abusing one of her students.
'That simply cannot be ignored,' he said.
Mr Terracini argued it shouldn't make any difference if she were a male or a female, and that the only thing that should be considered in sentencing is that a 23-year-old adult abused a teenager.
'Abuse is the key, not gender,' he said. 'It may be unusual... Perhaps I'm displaying more of a modern flavour but how on earth does gender play into it? How on earth is that relevant?
'She chose to work at that school and she chose to abuse one of those students.' 
The court heard Young started teaching at the all-boys school in southwest Sydney on March 20th, 2020, and was given 23 classes between year seven and 10.
She'd spent four-and-a-half years at university studying to teach PDHPE, and was 'so proud' of herself when she landed her first full-time role.
Of the 23 classes she was assigned, 12 were in geography - a subject which she had no formal training in and was always just 'one page ahead' of her students as she tried to teach herself the curriculum. 
By April, the Covid pandemic had forced the closure of schools and Young was required to teach her classes remotely via online learning channels. 
It was at this point that 'the lines were criminally blurred' as Young became 'more accessible' to her students, many of whom contacted her all hours of the night and day.
 On Thursday, Young took to the stand in front of the victim's mother and cried as she apologised for 'letting the relationship progress' over the period of offending.
Young told the court that she was sexually abused when she was in Year 7 and could therefore understand the 'trauma' she had subjected the boy to.
'I just never imagined I'd be one of those people… I've never been in trouble with the law. I hope he and his family can forgive me,' she said through tears.
Young had been in a relationship for several years at the time of offending, but her defence counsel, former top prosecutor Margaret Cunneen SC, told the court it was 'going very badly by this stage'.
'There was a background of physical abuse, infidelity and drug taking… In addition she had an experience herself as a child.'
Ms Cunneen implored the Magistrate Kate Traill to consider 'how often this terrible crime rears its' head again in people who have been victims themselves'.
'She can hardly believe that what happened, happened.'
There was confusion about Young's relationship status in the courtroom, as Magistrate Traill asked whether she and her former fiance had ever officially tied the knot. 
'She did not marry him according to the laws of Australia, but there was a particular religious ceremony,' Ms Cunneen said. 
Young told the court in her tearful letter to the family that she regrets the relationship and understands that both her victim and his family will carry the trauma of the offence 'for the rest of their lives'.
'I knew it was wrong, I knew my actions were inappropriate but I couldn't let myself believe it,' she said. 'He trusted me and I abused that trust.'   
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NSW geography teacher Monica Young begged teenage boy, 14, to send naked photos
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Naked 14 Y O