NASA PLANS TO CATCH SPACE ROCKS
toni bohiney @ bohiney.com
COMING TO A PLANET NEAR YOU: NASA PLANS TO CATCH SPACE ROCKS LIKE IT’S A COSMIC BASEBALL GAME
Published by Bohiney.com — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion
Humanity Now Officially Bored with Earth, Starts Chasing Rocks from Other Solar Systems
At a press conference that began with an awkward PowerPoint animation of a rock labeled “Objective” flying through space while the theme from Interstellar played on kazoo, NASA announced its bold new plan to catch interstellar objects — or “cosmic junk,” as the agency’s intern-slash-spokesperson described it while chewing on a freeze-dried ice cream sandwich.
NASA, the European Space Agency, and what we assume is Canada standing politely in the corner, are all eager to intercept chunks of rock traveling at speeds most of us only reach while fleeing exes or trying to escape family reunions.
These interstellar objects (ISOs) — the ones not shaped like crude emojis or fast-food mascots — are allegedly natural. But we here at Bohiney.com have questions. And they begin with: Why are we spending billions trying to catch galactic debris when we still don’t have Wi-Fi on most domestic flights?
The Real Reason? Scientists Are Tired of Studying Boring Earth Rocks
Let’s be honest: geologists have been phoning it in for years. Once you’ve cracked open enough shale and named every igneous rock after your dog, what’s left? According to a leaked Slack chat from within the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the whole “interstellar rock capture initiative” started after a rogue scientist wrote:
“Let’s catch a space pebble and claim it smells like God’s cologne.”
Thus was born a trillion-dollar race to play galactic fetch.
'Oumuamua: The First Rock that Ghosted Us
The whole craze started in 2017 with ‘Oumuamua, a cigar-shaped object that zoomed past Earth like it had somewhere better to be — which, frankly, it probably did. Astronomers tracked it briefly, debated whether it was an alien ship, and ultimately gave up when it didn’t leave a Yelp review or crash into a farmer’s barn.
Its most lasting legacy? Inspiring a generation of scientists to dedicate their lives to catching its cousins. Like men who believe they can “win her back” by buying a telescope.
Comet Interceptor, or: Fast and the Ferociously Expensive
ESA’s “Comet Interceptor” is a spacecraft designed to wait in the galactic equivalent of a bus stop until something interesting zooms by. The current strategy is to park the satellite at a Lagrange point (space’s version of a cosmic cul-de-sac), twiddle its robotic thumbs, and pounce on the next rock that doesn't block them on social media.
The mission cost? Estimated at $336 million — or roughly the price of 1.5 Taylor Swift Eras Tour VIP packages.
The AI Component: Finally, a Use for AI That Doesn't Involve Plagiarizing Term Papers
Artificial Intelligence will be used to detect incoming space rocks in real time. That’s right: the same AI that misidentifies beards as terrorist threats on TSA monitors will now be entrusted with guiding spacecraft toward hurtling objects with the speed and finesse of a drunk raccoon on rollerblades.
One internal document states:
“We trained the AI on 700,000 hours of celestial images and four Nicholas Cage movies. We believe it’s ready.”
The same document features a doodle of a space rock saying “Catch me if you can, nerds.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“So let me get this straight — we can catch a space rock from 13 light-years away, but my dentist still doesn’t offer online scheduling?”
– Random guy in line at Jamba Juice
“I hope they catch a rock that’s just a giant cosmic middle finger. It’d be nice to know the universe feels the same way about us.”
– Philosophy major turned Uber driver
“I support space exploration, but only if the rock has opinions about my podcast.”
– Guy wearing a monocle for no reason
The Science: Or, At Least What Passes for Science in Congressional Hearings
The plan involves predicting the rock’s entry point into our solar system, launching a pre-positioned spacecraft with the precision of a blindfolded dart throw, and collecting samples before the object slips back into the void like a one-night stand with cosmic commitment issues.
“We’re going to catch these things and learn where they came from,” said one scientist, ignoring that they said the same thing about teenagers on TikTok and still don’t understand them.
Experts claim that these rocks could hold organic compounds — which, in scientist-speak, is the same as saying, “Maybe aliens sneezed on this.”
Cause and Effect: What Could Go Wrong?
Let’s imagine, just for a second, the success scenario. We catch an ISO. It’s hauled into a secure lab, analyzed, and cracked open like a galactic piñata. What do we find?
- Possibility A: Ancient amino acids! Hooray! We now have… slightly older goo.
- Possibility B: A virus that makes COVID look like a juice cleanse.
- Possibility C: A note that reads, “You’re not supposed to open this. Idiots.”
There’s also the chilling possibility the rock is a tracking device. Not for us, mind you — but to signal to the next alien civilization:
“Yeah, this is the planet that eats Tide Pods. Come take it.”
The Public Reaction: A Combination of Applause and Shrug Emojis
According to a Pew Research poll we definitely didn’t forge in a Chili’s bathroom:
- 43% of Americans support catching interstellar rocks
- 12% thought “ISO” was a new flavor of vape
- 21% said they’d be more impressed if NASA caught their missing Amazon package
- 17% believe all cosmic rocks are sent by Satan to “test the faithful”
- 7% said, “Wait, what’s a solar system?”
Analogies We’re Pretending Are Scientific
To explain this mission to the public, one NASA rep compared it to “trying to catch a fly with chopsticks while blindfolded… from across the room… using only wind.”
Another compared it to Tinder:
“You swipe right on a rock moving at 87,000 mph and just hope it doesn’t ghost you like ‘Oumuamua.”
Yet another analogy involved a cowboy lassoing a bullet — but then immediately added, “Don’t try that at home. Our lawyers told us to say that.”
Personal Stories from the Team
Dr. Bev Shin, mission co-lead, recounted:
“I became an astrophysicist because I wanted to touch the stars. Turns out, I’m just filing paperwork to touch gravel.”
Jorge Ocampo, spacecraft engineer:
“I once built a satellite to scan Martian sand. Now I’m building a rock trap. My mother still tells people I’m a dentist.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Nandita Kapoor, project ethicist, admitted,
“We debated whether we should catch interstellar objects at all. But the funding came through and, well… ethics took a smoke break.”
Trace Evidence: If We Catch It, What Then?
Scientists plan to analyze the material in ultra-clean rooms — rooms so sterile that not even a Kardashian scandal could contaminate them. If alien material is found, it will be examined for structure, composition, and how well it pairs with Cabernet.
NASA is reportedly in talks with Netflix for a 10-part documentary series tentatively titled “Space Gravel: The Final Frontier.”
Helpful Content (Because This Is Apparently That Now)
Q: How can I get involved in catching interstellar rocks?
A: You can’t. But you can apply for a NASA internship, where you’ll spend 18 months cleaning imaginary dust off imaginary surfaces.
Q: Could interstellar rocks contain alien technology?
A: Yes. It’s also possible your cat is a spy for Venus. Let’s keep our theories wide open.
Q: What happens if we miss the rock?
A: Same thing that happens when you miss your dreams. We all pretend it never happened and quietly move on to something more achievable. Like NFT museums.
The Critics Speak
A panel of space ethicists (which is a real thing now, apparently) raised concerns:
“If aliens find out we’re intercepting their space garbage, it might start a war.”
“Let’s not forget: most of our first contacts with new rocks here on Earth ended with extinction events.”
One angry scientist in a Reddit thread yelled,
“WE STILL HAVEN’T FIXED VENUS’S IMAGE PROCESSOR!”
Satirical Sources (All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/):
- Cosmic Pebbles Unionize, Demand Less Harsh Re-Entry Conditions
- Alien Civilizations File Restraining Order Against Earth’s Telescopes
- 'Oumuamua Revealed to Be Interstellar Pizza Delivery Gone Wrong
- NASA Accidentally Launches Couch Thinking It Was Prototype Satellite
- Astronomer Mistakes Bug on Telescope for Interstellar Object, Now Lives in Shame
- ESA Confirms New Mission: Operation Cosmic Rock Bottom
Final Thought: Our Galactic Trash-Fetching Future
So here we are. A species that once looked to the stars and dreamed of gods, now builds billion-dollar butterfly nets to catch space pebbles. Is it noble? Is it brilliant? Is it the cosmic equivalent of a midlife crisis?
Maybe all three.
Or maybe — just maybe — it’s proof that even as we spiral toward irreversible climate collapse, late-stage capitalism, and AI doing your taxes wrong, we still have time to play intergalactic fetch. Because somewhere, deep in the infinite vacuum of space, there’s a rock out there. And we want it. Not because it’s useful. Not because it’s valuable.
But because we’re Earth. And we just can’t stand the idea of not owning it.
Auf Wiedersehen, from Bohiney.com — Where the satire is interstellar, and the laughter is light-speed.
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BOHINEY SATIRE - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon titled 'The Cosmic Rock Trap' in the style of Toni Bohiney. Floating in space is an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine desig... - bohiney.com 3[/caption]
What the Funny People Are Saying...
1. Ron White:
“They say NASA wants to catch a rock from another solar system. Buddy, I can’t even catch my dog when he’s off-leash — and that thing doesn’t travel at 90,000 miles per hour!”
2. Jerry Seinfeld:
“What’s the deal with interstellar rocks? You travel trillions of miles across the universe, you finally arrive at Earth… and they trap you in a jar next to moon dust from the ’60s. Welcome!”
3. Amy Schumer:
“So now we’re chasing space rocks? Girl, I can’t even get a text back. And NASA’s out here flirting with cosmic debris?”
4. Larry David:
“You’re telling me we’re spending billions of dollars to catch a rock… but I still gotta jiggle the toilet handle for it to flush? That’s a societal imbalance!”
5. Sarah Silverman:
“If I were a space rock and I saw Earth trying to catch me, I’d veer right toward Uranus. Just out of spite.”
6. Jackie Mason:
“These scientists, I don’t understand! We’ve got problems here, real problems! Rent! Traffic! But no, they want to chase a rock from Alpha Centauri like it owes child support!”
7. Billy Crystal:
“We’re preparing to catch rocks flying in from other galaxies. I can barely catch the subway. And that at least announces its arrival!”
8. Groucho Marx:
“I never want to be part of a planet that wants to intercept me at 30 kilometers per second. And if they do, I hope they bring snacks.”
9. Matthew McConaughey (Texan whisper drawl):
“Alright alright alriiiight… We’re gonna catch that rock, boys. Strap a lasso to a telescope and let the stars do the rest.”
10. Wanda Sykes:
“You know it's bad when the planet’s so messed up, the rocks are leaving… and now we’re begging them to come back!”
11. Dave Chappelle:
“So now we got space missions for interstellar rocks? Meanwhile, Flint still doesn’t have clean water. I’m just sayin’... maybe Earth should clean its room before inviting guests from another solar system.”
12. Louis C.K. (with a sigh):
“You ever look at your life and think, ‘Yeah, let’s launch a billion-dollar plan to catch a space rock because I’ve emotionally given up on this planet’?”
[caption id="attachment_13105" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
BOHINEY SATIRE - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon titled 'The Cosmic Rock Trap' in the style of Toni Bohiney. Floating in space is an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine desig... - bohiney.com[/caption]15 Observations on Catching Interstellar Rocks
1. NASA finally realized it's easier to catch rocks from another solar system than fix potholes in Houston.
2. Apparently, we're so bored with our own planets we’ve decided to start loitering in deep space, hoping a space pebble swings by.
3. The plan is to intercept objects flying at 60,000 mph. Good luck — even Amazon Prime can’t guarantee that kind of speed.
4. The same agencies that can’t launch a Mars rover without it forgetting its PIN number now think they can snatch a rock mid-galactic jog.
5. Space agencies call it “interstellar rock-catching.” Texans call it “cosmic skeet shooting.”
6. Somewhere in the universe, aliens are betting on whether Earthlings will catch their space litter or just file a climate change report about it.
7. We used to throw rocks into space. Now we’re trying to catch them. Earth is clearly entering its “boomerang phase.”
8. The mission is being described as "ambitious." That’s scientific code for "we totally made this up at 2AM on a Zoom call."
9. Comet Interceptor? Sounds like a GI Joe villain or the worst energy drink ever sold at 7-Eleven.
10. If an alien ship ever drops a rock on Earth, we’ll probably label it a “meteorological surprise” and blame it on El Niño.
11. The whole plan relies on artificial intelligence spotting space debris. Because obviously what AI really wants is a job as a space janitor.
12. NASA: “We’ve got 0.002 seconds to detect, track, launch, and intercept a space rock.” Also NASA: “Still loading Windows updates…”
13. We still haven’t figured out traffic signals that don’t glitch during rainstorms — but sure, let’s play cosmic baseball.
14. They say we might learn about alien civilizations from these rocks. Or worse: discover intergalactic spam mail.
15. The big hope? That someday, we’ll catch a rock with a tiny alien note attached that just says: “Return to sender.”
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BOHINEY SATIRE - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon titled 'NASA’s Galactic Rock Fetch' in the style of Toni Bohiney. The scene shows a massive dog park in space, with NASA ... - bohiney.com 2[/caption]
