My Wife Refuses To Have Sex
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My Wife Refuses To Have Sex
8:28PM Saturday, November 19th, 2022
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More stories to check out before you go
A desperate man has revealed how his wife won’t let him touch her and never instigates sex – as well as the reason why.
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband in despair over his wife’s lack of sex drive, pursuing a romance with someone you’ve met professionally and what to do when an ex won’t accept the relationship is finished.
MY WIFE WON’T LET ME TOUCH HER AND NEVER INSTIGATES SEX
QUESTION: Please help me. My wife and I have been together for about 13 years, married for nearly 10. We had an amazing sex life in the beginning with almost nothing off the table. Even after we got married it was at least three or four times a week.
However, since we had kids (and understandably) there was not much action. She has been understandably tired and has had post-baby body issues. However, it’s now more than 18 months since our last baby and it’s still not improving.
She never instigates it. She won’t let me touch her. We aren’t allowed to do anything but the one position. Sometimes we go months without. It really gets to me, it makes me feel like she doesn’t want me or isn’t into me anymore. We’ve had the discussion numerous times and it changes for a week or two but then goes back to how it was. Please help, what can I do?
ANSWER: I can understand you feeling unwanted and undesired. I’m sure you’re also feeling sad and frustrated at the lack of intimacy between you.
Difficulty navigating different desire levels is the most common challenge couples approach me with.
It’s normal for sexual desire levels to fluctuate as our circumstances change. It’s also normal for two people in a relationship to have different desire levels.
The ‘problem’ isn’t one person’s desire level, but the mismatch of sexual desire and how this is managed between you.
Although it’s usually the partner with the higher sexual desire reaching out to me for solutions, the partner with lower desire can also feel anxious, frustrated, guilty and upset about it. It often becomes the elephant in the room, always in the back of your mind causing worry and stress for both of you.
As you’ve found, just talking about it doesn’t usually help. Couples also try massage oil, sex toys or lingerie in the hope that will reignite desire, but the toys end up staying in a drawer somewhere.
These one-off attempts don’t address the underlying issues. You need a strategic and sustained approach that you work on together.
There are things you can do to feel more connected and loved by each other and to bridge the gap in your desire levels. I’ve shared these in previous responses, but the first step is that you work on this as a team.
Start with a conversation together to reach greater understanding of each other and address this as a team. You may need several conversations to ensure you don’t become too triggered to talk about it effectively.
I also recommend you seek the support of a therapist to give you support and practical tools to work on this together.
Here are my tips on how to discuss difficult topics without causing an argument
1. Begin with appreciation or your positive intention
I deeply value our relationship. I appreciate the respect and care we have for each other.
Our relationship is everything to me. I know that there’s some tension between us around intimacy and I would love us to address it so it doesn’t cause distance between us.
I love you. Feeling close, connected and like a team with you is really important to me.
This is a difficult step that most of us aren’t practised at. We tend to share what we think or focus on the other person’s actions instead.
Sharing your emotions is vulnerable, but it’s how we create true intimacy in our relationships.
Examples of emotions you might be feeling are – unloved, lonely, upset, sad, undesirable.
3. State your needs or a request in a positive way
I’d really like for us to work together to find some solutions for this.
I’d really love for us to get some support so we can navigate this together.
I need us to take action on this in a sustained way.
HOW CAN I SHOW MY INTEREST IN A PROFESSIONAL SETTING?
QUESTION: I’m interested in a guy. He’s been helping me move forward in life (it’s his job). But I feel that there is spark and chemistry there. How can I make a move without it blowing up in my face? I’ve needed him on a professional level, but that is only short-term and could end very soon.
ANSWER: Without knowing exactly what this guy’s job is, I’m going to be very cautionary in my advice.
For many professionals, including therapists, social workers or doctors it’s unethical (and in some cases illegal) to become romantically involved with someone who is or was a client. If his role is more like a personal trainer or career adviser, this is a little different.
It’s totally normal to have feelings for someone who has been really supportive and helpful in your life. It’s likely that he genuinely likes you and there may well be chemistry between you.
But your relationship has been in the context of him helping you, which sets up an unequal power dynamic and doesn’t give you a realistic picture of what it’s like to relate with him. Be very cautious about taking this further.
HELP! MY EX WON’T ACCEPT THAT WE’RE OVER
QUESTION: How can I get my ex to accept our relationship is over? We broke up in person two months ago but he keeps contacting me attempting to rekindle things. I’m over it, and him “showing up” outside my work is really starting to piss me off.
ANSWER: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I experienced a very similar situation myself – it was frustrating and scary.
Your ex isn’t listening to you or honouring your boundaries right now. To be clear – this isn’t loving or respectful.
You need to set firmer boundaries if he isn’t listening to you.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over for you. If you don’t want him to contact you at all (and that is perfectly understandable), tell him. Or be clear that until he can accept that it’s over, it’s best you’re not in touch with each other.
Be absolutely clear that showing up outside your work is unacceptable. Screen his calls and block him from social media if you need to.
Nadia Bokody reveals the uncomfortable question that people should ask before jumping into bed with somebody, in order to prioritise everyone’s pleasure.
A former model claims she was duped into giving up her career and livelihood for a man who demanded to have sex with her multiple times a day.
A man who’s recently started dating a “cute and funny” woman is distracted by one sexual habit she can’t shake.
8:28PM Saturday, November 19th, 2022
A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites. Find out more about our policy and your choices, including how to opt-out. Sometimes our articles will try to help you find the right product at the right price. We may receive payment from third parties for publishing this content or when you make a purchase through the links on our sites.
Nationwide News Pty Ltd © 2022. All times AEDT (GMT +11). Powered by WordPress.com VIP
More stories to check out before you go
A desperate man has revealed how his wife won’t let him touch her and never instigates sex – as well as the reason why.
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband in despair over his wife’s lack of sex drive, pursuing a romance with someone you’ve met professionally and what to do when an ex won’t accept the relationship is finished.
MY WIFE WON’T LET ME TOUCH HER AND NEVER INSTIGATES SEX
QUESTION: Please help me. My wife and I have been together for about 13 years, married for nearly 10. We had an amazing sex life in the beginning with almost nothing off the table. Even after we got married it was at least three or four times a week.
However, since we had kids (and understandably) there was not much action. She has been understandably tired and has had post-baby body issues. However, it’s now more than 18 months since our last baby and it’s still not improving.
She never instigates it. She won’t let me touch her. We aren’t allowed to do anything but the one position. Sometimes we go months without. It really gets to me, it makes me feel like she doesn’t want me or isn’t into me anymore. We’ve had the discussion numerous times and it changes for a week or two but then goes back to how it was. Please help, what can I do?
ANSWER: I can understand you feeling unwanted and undesired. I’m sure you’re also feeling sad and frustrated at the lack of intimacy between you.
Difficulty navigating different desire levels is the most common challenge couples approach me with.
It’s normal for sexual desire levels to fluctuate as our circumstances change. It’s also normal for two people in a relationship to have different desire levels.
The ‘problem’ isn’t one person’s desire level, but the mismatch of sexual desire and how this is managed between you.
Although it’s usually the partner with the higher sexual desire reaching out to me for solutions, the partner with lower desire can also feel anxious, frustrated, guilty and upset about it. It often becomes the elephant in the room, always in the back of your mind causing worry and stress for both of you.
As you’ve found, just talking about it doesn’t usually help. Couples also try massage oil, sex toys or lingerie in the hope that will reignite desire, but the toys end up staying in a drawer somewhere.
These one-off attempts don’t address the underlying issues. You need a strategic and sustained approach that you work on together.
There are things you can do to feel more connected and loved by each other and to bridge the gap in your desire levels. I’ve shared these in previous responses, but the first step is that you work on this as a team.
Start with a conversation together to reach greater understanding of each other and address this as a team. You may need several conversations to ensure you don’t become too triggered to talk about it effectively.
I also recommend you seek the support of a therapist to give you support and practical tools to work on this together.
Here are my tips on how to discuss difficult topics without causing an argument
1. Begin with appreciation or your positive intention
I deeply value our relationship. I appreciate the respect and care we have for each other.
Our relationship is everything to me. I know that there’s some tension between us around intimacy and I would love us to address it so it doesn’t cause distance between us.
I love you. Feeling close, connected and like a team with you is really important to me.
This is a difficult step that most of us aren’t practised at. We tend to share what we think or focus on the other person’s actions instead.
Sharing your emotions is vulnerable, but it’s how we create true intimacy in our relationships.
Examples of emotions you might be feeling are – unloved, lonely, upset, sad, undesirable.
3. State your needs or a request in a positive way
I’d really like for us to work together to find some solutions for this.
I’d really love for us to get some support so we can navigate this together.
I need us to take action on this in a sustained way.
HOW CAN I SHOW MY INTEREST IN A PROFESSIONAL SETTING?
QUESTION: I’m interested in a guy. He’s been helping me move forward in life (it’s his job). But I feel that there is spark and chemistry there. How can I make a move without it blowing up in my face? I’ve needed him on a professional level, but that is only short-term and could end very soon.
ANSWER: Without knowing exactly what this guy’s job is, I’m going to be very cautionary in my advice.
For many professionals, including therapists, social workers or doctors it’s unethical (and in some cases illegal) to become romantically involved with someone who is or was a client. If his role is more like a personal trainer or career adviser, this is a little different.
It’s totally normal to have feelings for someone who has been really supportive and helpful in your life. It’s likely that he genuinely likes you and there may well be chemistry between you.
But your relationship has been in the context of him helping you, which sets up an unequal power dynamic and doesn’t give you a realistic picture of what it’s like to relate with him. Be very cautious about taking this further.
HELP! MY EX WON’T ACCEPT THAT WE’RE OVER
QUESTION: How can I get my ex to accept our relationship is over? We broke up in person two months ago but he keeps contacting me attempting to rekindle things. I’m over it, and him “showing up” outside my work is really starting to piss me off.
ANSWER: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I experienced a very similar situation myself – it was frustrating and scary.
Your ex isn’t listening to you or honouring your boundaries right now. To be clear – this isn’t loving or respectful.
You need to set firmer boundaries if he isn’t listening to you.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over for you. If you don’t want him to contact you at all (and that is perfectly understandable), tell him. Or be clear that until he can accept that it’s over, it’s best you’re not in touch with each other.
Be absolutely clear that showing up outside your work is unacceptable. Screen his calls and block him from social media if you need to.
Nadia Bokody reveals the uncomfortable question that people should ask before jumping into bed with somebody, in order to prioritise everyone’s pleasure.
A former model claims she was duped into giving up her career and livelihood for a man who demanded to have sex with her multiple times a day.
A man who’s recently started dating a “cute and funny” woman is distracted by one sexual habit she can’t shake.
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Yesterday, I wrote about a Mark Gungor Show podcast that addressed a husband’s query about what to do about a wife who won’t have sex with him. I responded to some of the points made on the show. Today, I’d like to build on that to discuss several possible Biblical responses to this situation . You might want to read yesterday’s post before reading this one.
I am a strong advocate for understanding what has led to a wife not having sex with her husband , because I believe the knowledge can lay out a path of healing and restoration to pursue. The Bible shows us multiple paths to try.
As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear. (1 Timothy 5:20 )
For some wives who refuse to have a sexual relationship with their husbands, a rebuke in the presence of all may be what is effective. This is pretty much what Gungor has recommended. In some situations, this is what works. It might carry with it a very ugly time, but it can ultimately lead to good results.
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)
For others, a spirit of gentleness is the best approach. A woman who feels hurt and whose refusal is rooted in a sense of self-protection will likely respond best to gentle approach that invites steps forward. Gentleness for one person might look different than gentleness for another. For me, gentleness begins with meeting me where I am in my emotional experience. For a good friend of mine, gentleness means being silent so she can be given space to initiate the hard conversation.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18:15 )
With other spouses, it is largely a matter of sharing your own hurt and letting him/her know how the behavior has been a sin against you. My husband shared his pain with me several times. While it didn’t result in immediate change, when I was ready to change, his words flooded back to me and helped me stay motivated in my efforts.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. (James 4:17)
Be aware that while sin is sin, if a spouse doesn’t truly understand the behavior as sin, different conversations may be necessary than if the spouse were violating one of the ten commandments.
We don’t talk much about refusal as a sin, and that is an area where the church needs to do some work. We have a lot to say about sexual purity before marriage, but we don’t say nearly enough about the importance of sex in marriage and the ways a marriage can be hurt when one of the spouses is sexually deprived.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)
Although the speck in the spouse’s eye is there and needs to be addressed, we should always look at whether there is anything that we have contributed to either the original problem or to the continuation of the problem. I blamed my husband for what I saw as his emotional refusal of me, never thinking to look at whether there was a log in my own eye. Yeah, he should have done a better job with a lot of aspects of being my husband, but it wasn’t until I began to address my log that anything got better.
In some cases, there may be no log in our own eyes–but we should at least check. In my case, once I had gotten the log out of my own eye, I was in a much better place from which to confront my husband on the speck in his. A husband whose wife won’t have sex with him should look at his own words and actions. It is even possible that his wife has been trying to tell him for years and he dismissed it because he didn’t understand her pain
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him (Luke 17:3 )
Work on the process of forgiveness in ourselves. When a spouse has repented and is demonstrating genuine effort to change, the refused spouse should be working to understand what forgiveness means. Does it mean accepting the pace of the change? Does it mean supporting the refusing spouse’s efforts? Does it mean working to identify patterns of behavior that grew out of the experience of being refused and then being intentional about responding in different ways? It is common for refused husbands to feel a lot of frustration because change isn’t happening quickly enough. Slow progress is still progress and might be what
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