My Wife Never Initiates Sex

My Wife Never Initiates Sex

By Lorin Harrott, GSCC Manager , Aug 12, 2021

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It’s not uncommon for a man to complain, “my wife never initiates sex and doesn’t seem interested,” thus propagating the stereotype that sex isn’t important to women. Among all the male vs. female stereotypes out there, those that say men want sex all the time and women can take it or leave it are some of the most common.
While there may be some highly nuanced, buried truth to these stereotypes, it’s really not as cut and dry as all that. This is why of the many reasons couples seek counseling , often sex related problems are involved .
Men don’t really want sex ALL the time and women want it far more often than most men realize. However, one of the contributing factors to these stereotypes is that many wives seem never to initiate sex – at least from their partner’s perspective. This leaves men feeling that even after years of marriage they still have to be the ones to pursue sex and convince their wives to be intimate. And they’re tired of it.
After all guys, it’s a turn-on to be wanted by your partner, right? And when she comes on to you and initiates it makes you feel wanted, attractive, and like a man.
So, why is it that your partner seems to wait for you to express interest and never takes the initiative?
As much as we want to ignore the fact that men and women are different, the truth is they just are. And one of the differences can be the way they express and experience sexual desire.
Men tend to be much more spontaneously interested in sex than women. For many men just the sight of his wife naked makes him think, “I want sex. Now.” Whereas a woman’s first thought at seeing her husband naked may be, “What’s the matter? Are you out of clean underwear?”
No, this doesn’t mean women aren’t interested in sex – they are, in fact, quite interested. But women tend to be responsive rather than spontaneous, making them less likely to be the ones initiating sex. This difference in the way sexual desire is experienced can lead men to think their wife is disinterested because she never initiates sex on her own.
So, while men may seem ready to have sex anytime it’s suggested, women often need something to respond to (other than your naked body) – like you showing interest in her. By the way, showing interest in having sex with your wife is not saying, “Hey. Wanna have sex?”
Women respond to their partners. They want (read need in most cases) intimacy, touch, and a feeling of being desired to help inspire their sexual response. And they need to trust their partner. Of course, this isn’t always the case in every situation, but it’s largely true.
So, you initiating sex is actually part of what’s a fairly natural progression in becoming sexually intimate for women.
What many men don’t understand is that women actually initiate sex more often than they realize. Women just tend to be more subtle than men in showing their interest. Guys, this means that you need to be able to recognize the signals she gives when your wife is trying to initiate sex with you.
Sometimes it will be a look or a light touch that she uses to show you her interest. Other times it may be comments like, “Hmmm, the kids are gone and we’re all alone,” or “I wonder what I can do with all this pent-up energy?”
Careful though guys – does this always mean sex? Men’s expectations and misreading cues can be part of the problem too. Dr. Kurt sees these issues regularly, and he had this to say,
A common complaint I hear from wives is that any physical affection with their husband triggers his expectation that it will lead to sex (most often, intercourse). One reason some wives don't initiate sex is because they feel there can never be any intimacy without a push from their husband for it to have to end in sex . I've found that when guys back off on that and are more open to it naturally going there, and can even be okay when it doesn't, they more often get the end result they want than they do when they're always wanting sex. Sexual intimacy is a delicate balance between the wants of both partners. And for it to be healthy and mutually satisfying requires effort, empathy, flexibility, and communication from each."
Of course, your wife may also use other subtle signals that she’s ready to be physical. She may flirt with you, complimenting your appearance or expressing appreciation for who you are and what you contribute to the relationship. It may also be as simple as a hug that lasts a little longer than normal or wearing something sexier than she normally would in the situation.
Many men will overlook these signals of sexual interest entirely. And while she may not be ready to go seconds after you realize what’s going on, she may be telling you she’s ready for you respond to her and begin an intimate experience. This is one of the ways your wife may be trying to initiate sex.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that women are never direct in their interest. There are certain signals that you’ll hopefully never overlook. Inviting you into the shower with her, for instance, is not because she’s worried about your hygiene.
Because most women haven’t been taught or encouraged to be sexually assertive, there may be a certain level of discomfort in making the effort. It’s also possible that she feels nervous about her body or how you’ll respond to her advances.
Guys, you can have a big impact here.
If you can tell that she’s showing interest, give some thought about how you’ll respond. Reacting poorly or ignoring her signals can cause her to feel unsure of herself and embarrassed. If that happens, she may withdraw and be reluctant to try it again . This could be one of the reasons your wife doesn’t initiate sex anymore.
You can also encourage her by telling her what you like. “I love it when you touch my cheek,” “The smell of your hair is amazing,” “When you smile at me like that I have a hard time concentrating.” Things like this let her know what she might be able to use and amplify more often when it comes to initiating sex.
It’s natural to do more of something that’s appreciated and encouraged. If you feel like your wife never initiates sex, watch closely for those signals you may be missing and take the opportunity to let her know you like what she’s doing when you see them. This will encourage her to do more of it more often.
And as mentioned above, women are often responsive. If she feels like you find her attractive, and are turned on by her initiative, she’s far more likely to initiate sex on a regular basis because she feels like you’ll respond favorably.
One of the biggest things you can do if you feel like your wife never initiates sex is to talk with her about it. Yes, talking about sex and what you desire can be awkward , but it’s crucial and can also be empowering.
She may not know how important it is to you, and that her initiating is something that makes you feel wanted. But if you explain and make her see that you find it sexy and a turn on, she’s very likely to understand and be receptive.
Other things that can encourage her to initiate sex more often are:
Most women are more interested in sex than they get credit for. A wife who never initiates sex on her own shouldn’t be looked at as disinterested the same way a man who wants to have sex with his wife frequently shouldn’t be looked at as a sex addict . Women may not show their interest the same way men do, but when you take time to understand your partner, communicate, and appreciate them you may surprised at what you get back in return.
Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.
All I see from this article are excuses. Men have to go out of their way all the time to do things that are unnatural to them, yet we do it to make the wife happy. Is it really so damn difficult for the wife to initiate? Doesn’t matter if we’re wired differently, because the way a marriage works is through compromise, sacrifice, and understanding. If the wife doesn’t understand how important it is for them to initiate, especially after talking about it, then they really need to stop being so selfish. With men being the ones who always initiate, it’s a lot like that friend you have who never calls you, yet you always call them. It’s a two way street.
Bro you are so right. How damn hard is it for a wife to start kissing her husband?
Dr Smith. It feels that you hear us but are not listening to us. … You write “This could be one of the reasons your wife doesn’t initiate sex anymore.”

What we are saying is your use of the word “anymore “ would imply that she has initiated in the past. You are saying we need to communicate, listen, understand her signals. We ARE / we have.

But what about OUR communication/signals that we would like her to just come right out and blatantly say “I want to f-^#!” I for one would settle for me initiating 99 times the way she wants for 1 time the way I want.

You article implies we need to be more compassionate with her needs and it should be 100-0… all the way she wants/needs.

We married our wives for way more than sex. But the song “we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets” at least sometimes….is true for I believe most of us. Relationships are supposed to be malleable.

That means BOTH. In other words, many men need their wives to “get their freak on’”…. Privately.
Personally I am so frustrated. We’ve been together over 40 yrs and I’ve never once had her initiate sex….and that makes me feel like crap. And yes, I’ve communicated that with her.
Doug, Good point. "Anymore" wasn't the best word to use, because you're right that some women have never initiated. However, nothing in this article or on this site says "it should be 100-0… all the way she wants/needs." Nor should it be the other way and all about his wants/needs. The suggestions we make apply to both partners. She needs to be understanding of you and you of her. I know nothing about your partner, but having counseled thousands of men and women I can tell you that “get their freak on” is not a realistic expectation to have of some women. But that doesn't mean those women can't make more effort and be more understanding of their male partner's wants/needs. -Dr. Kurt
Hi Jamie
Yes, you are truely correct.

It's really unhealthy for a relationship or marriage if a woman doesn't show interest.
I have exactly the same issue because my fiance never never never initiates... It's like me start loosing interest in the relationship... Because of a woman's selfishness
I’m with you Jamie. Tired of hearing it’s my fault. I’m a good husband and my wife knows I’m not satisfied with the once a month that I might get. Excuses with no results. No wonder guys cheat or watch porn. Not encouraging it, but I understand.
I understand what everyone is venting about on here but you’re wrong. If you want your wife to WANT to have sex with you then YOU have to build enough sexual attraction to create that response. Right now, you are more attracted to her than she is to you. There are a number of reasons for this but your biggest one is your misunderstanding of what’s happening in the moment. You need a paradigm shift.
Neediness kills sexual attraction. Don’t you ever wonder why other women appear to be attracted to you but your wife doesn’t? That’s bc YOU’VE created that response in them. You were charming, funny, flirtatious. You are married so you don’t give off neediness towards them. They don’t know you as well so there’s an air of mystery to you. All of these things make you an attractive challenge. They dial-up sexual tension in a woman the same way a low cut shirt or ego stroking dials it up in a man.
Attraction isn’t a choice. It’s a biological reaction. Focus on showing her the behaviors that build her attraction, and strip away the things that kill it.
Once you’re actively doing this, she’ll want to have sex with you without you having to initiate it first. Do it well, and she’ll be begging for it.
Women never have to do anything sexually but lay there that’s why they don’t initiate. Men you are the prize. What do these women bring to the table besides sex? Stay single or get a side chick.
To be quite honest as a man in a similar situation and married for 10+ years and having tried all of the above to get my wife to become more intimate, I have come to the realization that some women just don't understand HOW IMPORTANT intimacy is for men. Most men don't get married just for sex, but we sure as heck don't get married to not have sex and intimacy. Men wanting intimacy with their wife's is the ultimate show of loyalty, desire, and affirmation they can have for their wifes and it just plain hurts when a wife doesn't realize that, or discounts it, or makes her husband (which has taken a vow to her) jump through hoops for her to be intimate. In my eyes it is the ultimate betrayal.
Particularly when there are other attractive women who ARE showing interest and attempt to initiate with us... and we can't get our wives to show ANY interest or do the same.

After a few years.. it makes turning down other offers much harder to do.

FYI ladies.
Another typical "guys, you need to learn to read your wife's subtle signs..." BS.
You can't read what isn't there. 20 years of marriage and I can count, on 1 finger, how many times she has initiated it.
"but when you take time to understand your partner, communicate, and appreciate them you may surprised at what you get back in return." So...again, guys...it's all up to us. Hey Lorrin...Thanks for nothing.
Kyle, If you read some of our other articles (and have an open mind when you do) you'll find that the same message of making an attempt to understand your partner we say to women about their man. In fact, we have a whole category titled, "Understanding Men." It's interesting that we get the same complaint from women as you're making - that our articles are slanted in favor of guys. -Dr. Kurt
I have looked through several of your articles on understanding men. I haven't read all of them. But it seems like he's right none of them suggested women do anything. Maybe you should read your own articles?
Another Kyle, We don't write every article with the purpose of telling people what to do. Many are intended to be educational about a particular issue. Specific to your statement that we don't tell women what to do in the category Understanding Men - the article, "My Husband Won't Go To Marriage Counseling," tells women to go without him; the article, 'Why Do Men Talk About Other Women To Their Wife," also holds women accountable for the same behavior. This is just 2 examples from a quick glance. The goal of our articles and site to is to ultimately get each reader to look in the mirror and change themselves, not their partner. If you're looking to find things that are wrong with your partner and tell them what they need to change, you should look somewhere else. -Dr. Kurt
"The goal of our articles and site to is to ultimately get each reader to look in the mirror and change themselves, not their partner."

Right. And this is sad. The goal shouldn't be to change yourself and not your partners, but to adapt as a couple. The fact THIS is your aim is the source of the frustration people are experiencing reading this.

Nothing in this article is meant to be approached by THE COUPLE. I would suggest you take an ounce of your own medicine, perhaps, and consider changing your approach to the content of your articles. This is a "fix a broken marriage by changing yourself" article, not a "fix a broken marriage by finding common ground" article.
Ben, You're right that another component to solving this problem is to "adapt as a couple." I believe this is made easier, and even possible, by each partner being willing to change a bit as well. The purpose of this article is to begin to answer the question in the title and to provide some first steps, not to be a complete guide to fixing the problem. Space limitations just don't allow for us to cover every aspect. -Dr. Kurt
I have to give a damn and the others it is so often that is always something to do with the man having to do more or change and very rarely is it considered that the woman may have some mental issues or some hang up and that she has betrayed him for many years by not getting better or seeking help or telling him the reasons why she never initiate intimacy and can't even act or fake it. It used to be women had a duty and I'll even take that if that was available it's just the same thing over and over again if I bring it up we fight or she lies and says later. I don't even know if I can think of a time she initiated sex in the 30 years we've been married it's the ultimate betrayal like the other man said because it's almost like being punished it hurt I'm tired of being alone and she checked out a long time and not so sure she was really even there I wouldn't mind just having her smack me on the butt or kiss me you in a public place or other things that are too graphic to put on here but then I made to feel like I'm a dirty old man and I'm far from that all I ever do is try to please her because I'd like for it to happen again I'm not a selfish lover but it's so disheartening to go this many years with disappointment that it now goes unnoticed and I am sure to die unhappy, unfulfilled and probably with a hard on. I did something I really do and I read through future articles they have to agree it's like tell me the others I noticed that my marriage a relationship is a role reversal so many of the things that women usually complain about I complain about and so many ways that she acts is the way that men are supposedly acting. It all seems like a big control issue or that I'm being punished I can't think of anything with sex more than straight up abuse but I think it is a form of abuse. And even if it's because she's uncomfortable or some other reason why he stated above I am required to go outside of my comfort zone constantly and allow things to happen that I know shouldn't and do things that I don't want to and I don't see that being reciprocated in any way from my spouse especially in the bedroom or anywhere else that I'd be happy to have sex. But we do make love or have sex whenever I am content and I have motivation and I feel better about life in general and when it's a chore or she lies about it it destroys me inside that's for damn sure. Did any of the other guys reading this best of luck to you and the world is against us when it comes to this topic you can't be a value-oriented up right moral guy
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