My Wife Likes To Flirt

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wife told me about out of town flirting
My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 2 kids. Before she left for an out of town work trip, I had told her it was ok with me if she flirted when she went out -- she knows I kind of like it. When she returned, she told me how when she went out to a bar with female co-workers one night and got hit on by a guy, but he started coming on too strong (started rubbing her back) so she kicked the barstool of her friend who was being chatted up by his friend, so they could get away -- which they did. He asked, "Did I come on too strong? Did I blow it?" (Yep.) Then, she said she started talking with another guy with whom she said she hit it off right away. She thought about what I had said and decided she'd flirt right back. They talked for the rest of her time there. He's divorced, but he would've known she's married because she was wearing her ring. She said he did sort of steer the conversation to sex by saying that last year people were having sex on the tables or something like that. They were staying at the same hotel and walked back together as part of a group. But, that was about it. Even if she had wanted to do something, it wouldn't have been a good move on her part to pursue matters because she was there with her co-workers (including her boss) who know she's married. So, I certainly believe her account to be true. Anyway, we had pretty good sex when she returned as this incident got us both pretty excited. I liked hearing that my wife was out being bad while I was in bed early that night after I had put the kids to bed.
I don't know why this turns me on -- I know it should probably be the opposite. My wife doesn't understand as my flirting with someone else would not turn her on. I guess it would be different if she wasn't a trustworthy person. Neither of us have cheated since being married -- although both of us "cheated" when we were casually dating while living in separate towns back in the beginning of our relationship. Even hearing some of these stories from a long time ago turn me on. At least, she is the star of my sexual fantasies, I suppose.
So, is all this creepy? Am I playing with fire? Is there anything wrong with me? Or is it more whatever floats your boat? I see that there are other guys on this forum for whom this is a turn-on. Is there a psychological reason why this would turn me on? Or is it just one of those things? Any thoughts appreciated.
So, is all this creepy? Is there anything wrong with me? Any thoughts appreciated.
Most guys who like to imagine their women with other men are closeted homosexuals. Nothing wrong with that, but you might think about it a little.
I guess the same can be said for guys who go around accusing other guys of being gay. Nothing wrong with that, but you might think about it a little.
Possible. If imagining your wife flirting/banging other men does it for you, have at it. Your not harming anyone.The only problem I could see is the men she flirts with getting too aggressive.Also people outside of your marriage may see it alittle different if they're not aware of the agreement between you and your wife. Most would probably label her a whore, not knowing she's actually performing an act that you have encouraged. Maybe swinging suits your lifestyle.I think there is a poster on LS that can tell you more about it.
Thanks for your thoughts, but I'd be surprised if she'd ever want to go through with an actual "swing". It was more just nice to have it reaffirmed for her that other men still find her attractive since she turned 40.
I think thats important for anyone as they get older. Maybe reading the thread 'Girls Night Out' can show you how some women handle it. And what it can turn in to.
I think you better rethink your position. Certainly most men down deep like to know that other men find their spouse attractive. The problem is that you have given her the green light to flirt with other men when she is out of town. You said she probably would not go through with the sex with another man at that time because it would look bad in front of her fellow employees. It will probably be a matter of time before she screws another man when she is drunk. It is one thing to have a fantasy but another for reality to sink in. I think you are opening up a can of worms that you will ultimately live to regret. You are also setting up a situation that may destroy your marriage. There is also always a chance she will end up starting an affair with a man she meets and has sex with. You have not thought out the possible consequences of these actions. It will eventually more than likely destroy your relationship and destroy your marriage. Maybe you should also think about what this may do to your children.
Thanks for your input. Certainly, you are right about what could happen if we were to take it farther. This will probably be the only time this whole year that she will be out in that kind of situation. She doesn't go clubbing or out to the bars without me. You'd have to know her to be able to see that she's probably not the type you can't trust -- although I realize that anything's possible, I suppose. I was just happy that she was able to have a little (what I will call) harmless fun that night -- like she did back in the day.
I was just trying to figure out why this would be a turn-on for me. I can't quite figure it out -- maybe it's just a combination of things. Certainly, when I was younger, or was just dating someone, this would not have been a turn-on in the slightest.
Don't try to over-analyze it too much. You like what you like. Your wife shares your views. Who cares why it's that way, just enjoy that it is.
May I ask - in general (not specifically in relation to this experience) how do you see your wife sexually? In other words, is she pretty open, pretty closed up, more or less than you would prefer, etc?
The reason I ask is that my ex-wife had an affair years ago. It was a horrible, horrible experience, but I remember, at the time, a slight, peripheral feeling of sexual excitement, and like you, I couldn't figure it out, although unlike you, it was far outweighed by the pain. I ended up thinking that we had gotten into a kind of a routine - boring, perhaps - and my wife was not the most sexual person, and didn't seem that interested. And so although it was mind-bending how this all could have happened, there was a degree to which it was exciting to see her as a sexually interested, sexually adventurous person.
Now again, I didn't have the advantage that I could assume she would come home to me and exert the "real" energy with me, but I do remember being mystified by that feeling, even among all the anguish.
Any possibility that's some of what's going on here?
Trimmer, I believe this comes pretty close to describing how I feel. My wife is not as sexually adventurous as I would like these days and maybe I'm hoping to get her to tap into that part of herself again. That is what is the most exciting to me -- not that she flirts (or more) with another guy, per se, but that she can still be the dirty-minded girl I fell in love with -- not the busy mom working and taking care of kids and too tired for much else a lot of the time. I'm not sure if it would be smart to pursue anything further, but I know that we both just got a little charge out of what she did -- which was just flirting after all. We normally have relations only 2-3 times a month and actually did it 2 days in a row this weekend. I know that hardly counts as a marathon or even comes close to the 4 times in one day that I believe was our record when we were dating, but I'll take it!
My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have 2 kids. Before she left for an out of town work trip, I had told her it was ok with me if she flirted when she went out
for the love of pete why?? You just put her out there by doing that.
she knows I kind of like it. When she returned, she told me how when she went out to a bar with female co-workers one night and got hit on by a guy, but he started coming on too strong (started rubbing her back) so she kicked the barstool of her friend who was being chatted up by his friend, so they could get away -- which they did. He asked, "Did I come on too strong? Did I blow it?" (Yep.) Then, she said she started talking with another guy with whom she said she hit it off right away. She thought about what I had said and decided she'd flirt right back. They talked for the rest of her time there. He's divorced, but he would've known she's married because she was wearing her ring. She said he did sort of steer the conversation to sex by saying that last year people were having sex on the tables or something like that.
yup, she was seeing how far she could take it with this guy.
They were staying at the same hotel and walked back together as part of a group. But, that was about it.
if you believe that was about it, I got a Lamborghini to sell you.
let me tell you something, if someone has been cheating, they will tell a half truth to make it look as if they are being honest, while ommitting the most pertinent information.
You really think she started talking sex with this guy, that she said she hit it off with and talked with the rest of the night, walked back to the same hotel, and nothing else happened? Someone is feeding you a s##t sandwich.
Even if she had wanted to do something, it wouldn't have been a good move on her part to pursue matters because she was there with her co-workers (including her boss) who know she's married.
you don't think they could have agreed to meet after they figured everyone else was in their room and getting ready for bed? come on, don't be so naive.
So, I certainly believe her account to be true.
even if you believe her account, whats the problem? you sanctioned her flirting. So whats the problem?
So, is all this creepy? Am I playing with fire?
if you are into it and it turns you on, and you can handle whatever the consequences of allowing your wife to get close to another man, then no.
but if you would be hurt or angry if she cheated, then yes.
I guess the same can be said for guys who go around accusing other guys of being gay. Nothing wrong with that, but you might think about it a little.
Don't shoot the messenger, pal. You asked.
Every time you post something, Barky, my estimate of your IQ drops about 10 points.
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YOU ARE HERE:Home » anxiety » My Wife Flirts With Other Men
Reader Uncomfortable Husband writes,
My wife likes to flirt with other men and always has. When I met her in college, she had a boyfriend and I was one of the guys that she flirted with. Nowadays you would say we had an emotional affair? Anyway, we got together and as far as I know, she has always been faithful, although she continues to flirt with everyone from waiters to her “work husband.”
Sometimes it is a turn on to know that she is confident in her sexuality, and we still have a lot of sex compared to most people married 15+ years. But sometimes I wonder if there is something inadequate about me that she has continued this behavior long past the time that most other women have settled down.
I am thinking about this more and more lately as we get older. What if she leaves me for another guy after all? All the signs were there. Shouldn’t marriage not include quite so much extracurricular flirtation? She says she loves me and would never leave me. Still, am I an idiot for indulging this behavior?
Who makes the rules about what marriage “should” look like, anyway? From what I see of infidelity in my practice, the people who really want to cheat are not quite so open about their flirtations. It seems like you didn’t used to mind your wife’s flirtations so much until recently, which makes me think that you are feeling older and possibly less attractive, which is why your anxiety has increased. However, as you have stated, your wife’s behavior has not changed at all over the years, so there is no evidence that she feels differently about you now versus then.
Your wife seems to have found a way to avoid what I call “monotogamy,” or monotonous monogamy. Women’s sex drives usually decrease precipitously within long term monogamous relationships, but you report that your sex life remains active after over 15 years of marriage. This may be in no small part due to her extracurricular flirtations. Evolutionarily, women are meant to hunt down a new sexual partner every time they ovulate, to increase the genetic diversity of our species. So she hunts them down, which gets her hormones flowing, and then you are the lucky recipient of her biologically-heightened ardor. (Read Sex at Dawn for more on this).
From what I see, and from what statistics say, Americans nowadays have both less sex (married couples have 25% less sex than they did 25 years ago!) and less tolerance for anything less than complete faithfulness in mind, body, and spirit. Are these phenomena related? I believe so, because when you become completely enmeshed with a partner, it is very easy to fall into a “dead bedroom” situation. You love your partner, you’re their best friend, but it may be tough to summon up erotic desire for them, since they are so familiar, and so close. (You can read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel for more on this topic.) Keep in mind that many of the other women that you refer to, who have “settled down” within marriage, have also settled way down in the boudoir, much to the frustration of their husbands.
If there are certain boundaries you want to set with your wife, then certainly bring them up. For example, traveling alone on a business trip with the “work husband” might not be a good idea. But, overall, I say that you knew exactly who your wife was when you married her, and there is no real reason to think (a) that her behavior says anything about her commitment or love for you, and (b) that she would be willing to overhaul her personality for you or any other guy.
You have had times where you found it exciting that your wife was so sexually confident. Maybe you could get back to that perspective. Ask your wife which guys flirted with her at work that day. When you take her to dinner, be sure to tell her when other dudes are checking her out. Buy her clothing that makes her look even sexier. It is biological for women to want to appeal to not just one man, but to a range of men. Your wife is just more honest and open about an idea that is a turn on to many women. If it can be a turn on to you as well, which it seems like it has been in the past, then your sex life and your relationship as a whole may benefit from incorporating your wife’s desire to be desired as part of your fantasy play.
Best of luck and keep me posted. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Tell Your Wife When Other Guys Check Her Out, And Reap The Rewards.
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person
February 26, 2021 at 8:56 am — Reply
I disagree that we have a higher need for fidelity than older generations. Younger population tends to become more liberal in all matters. It seems to be FOMO and hypersexualization that are causing decreased satisfaction in long term relationships.
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