My Wife Is A Nympho
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My Wife Is A Nympho
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Sexual Addiction message board, open discussion, and online support group.
My wife confessed to me about a week ago that she has cheated on me with at least 14 people, both men and women. She says that she doesn't want to do it and it makes her feel bad but she can't control herself. We have been in contact with a therapist (first session is on Sunday) and a sex addiction support group (first meeting is next week). She is eager to get help and we are hopeful, as the people that we have met are absolutely wonderful. Here's the problem: She said she's sorry. Strange problem, right? Well, it's an addiction and she's getting help and she came clean and apologized to me. So what do I do? I love her and I forgave her immediately, without hesitation, but now I feel like I'm a victim in this and I don't have a right to complain. She's in a difficult place and I don't want to say anything that's going to discourage her in her efforts to get treatment. I said one thing yesterday that was just slightly thoughtless (it slipped out, I'm sorry) and she burst into tears and said that she feels like this is always going to be hanging over us. She doesn't believe that I can actually forgive her for this and it took four days of crying and begging just to get her to agree not to move out. It's a complex issue and I've never been more confused. I can't sleep more than 3 hours per night and I've lost 12 pounds so far this week. I can't discuss this with anybody because everyone I know knows my wife and I don't want to humiliate her. I can't discuss it with my wife because she's already convinced that I hate her for what she's done (absolutely not true). I see lots of information about women dealing with their husbands' sex addiction but it seems like every website I find about men with sex addicted wives is trying to sell me a book. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling and I'm not feeling the way that I would have expected. I've cried so much I can't do it anymore. My wife insisted on getting everything "out in the open" and the things I now know about her haunt me. I feel like I've been violated. I feel humiliated, betrayed, emasculated and my self-respect is a distant memory. Meanwhile, my wife is sleeping like a baby and her expressions of remorse consist of telling me one time that she's sorry (I apologized more remorsefully when I broke one of her candles). And she keeps dropping more bombs. Most recently she revealed that she didn't use protection (!) and she's participated in orgies, master-slave relationships, anonymous sex and attempted to trade sex for favors from her employer (who she still works for). My sweet, happy wife did these things and has been since we began dating over five years ago. Anybody have any insight as to how in the hell I'm supposed to put this in the proper perspective?
I'm very sorry she's done that to you. Many hugs for you. And, yeah, she's done that to you. Being a sex addict is no excuse to cheat. I'm a sex addict and know that's true. Reverse the role. Would she let you get away with it? Hell no. Read the women's sites that deal with the issue. You have every right to be angry, hurt, violated, etc. Yes, you are a victim. 14 is a lot of affairs. A lot. She needs to understand forgiveness is not gonna happen in a split second (and may not happen) and she needs to support you, too. Just because she's a woman don't let her shirk her responsibility to you to support you and apologize to you and be accountable to you . It sounds like she has tons of guilt and expressed it when she wanted to leave. But, is that cause she just got caught? Why did she come clean? Not trying to make you doubt her or yourself. Those are legitimate questions. My girlfriend has access to my Internet, emails, cellphone, purse, office email, office, car as my accountability to her. I haven't cheated and don't intend to, but, as a sex addict, it's fair to give her all that. I haven't slept with a lot of people in the past, but I did sleep with those few a lot. As I said, sex addiction is no excuse to cheat IMHO. If you are going to continue this relationship, require of her that you get counseling, too, and you go to counseling together in addition to her counseling. You really are going to have to decide if you really can forgive her, if you can live with what she did to you and does she really love you as much as you do her. You don't know that right now. Don't make any rash decisions, but take care of yourself, too. Wait till this counseling happens and go from there. I wish you the best, babe.
Mate that sucks hard. You have every right to feel betrayed hurt angry etc... Sounds like more than an apology is needed for sure. I'm the cheater the addict...and have done those things your wife has done mainly with female sex addicts who were also married. It might not mean she doesn't love you ... I'm pretty sure I love my wife... I know I would die for her... So why do addicts do this? I'm only new to admitting I have a problem and I'm sure every case is different. Personally I did it to run away from my problems and live in a fantasy world. Your wife? Well u guys need to work that one out. One thing tho... Don't take her word as gospel ATM from my experience its easy to want to go back to the addiction especially if its her coping mechanism and now she's in a v dilfficult situation she will look to what she knows. I wish u all the luck.
Hi! Immediately stop panicing, being depressed, crying, and similar behaviors. Your wife loves you, and reckons upon you - this is obvious, because she asked help FROM YOU, and she needs now a strong and wise man and not a crying one - right? Think of that; sex addiction is not the worst thing what can happen with a wife. You can count easily 20 or more much more painful, tragic, mortal, etc. illness or mental problem. This is just an overacitvated sex drive. The real propelling force of it the "game", the "secret", the "unconvetional". And do not forget - sex is always the same independently of the participants. So do not visualize any activity what is more interesting/joyful what you have done, or will do, or are doing. But there is no treatment that could stop her excessiveness immediately. So, I advise you to be empathic, sympathizing, supporting, broadminded and smiling. Ask she friendly if she made any sexual, but do not show sadnass or pain, when she tells you the details. Just show interest and smile. But ask her to do what she did with you - even the same day. Encourage her to bring home the guy, and try to take part. Slowly but surely se will find that her secret sex acts are not so "exciting" anymore - than were before. Because they are not forbidden fruits anymore. ( steph@freemail.hu - if you would need any similar comment)
Errr...I wouldn't take that advice.
I would reply to these, because I do appreciate the responses, but I don't know what to say to any of this. Things are getting even worse around here (something I wouldn't have thought possible) and we seem to have settled into a state in which she's always depressed and I'm just waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. She obviously no longer feels the need to consider my feelings about anything and nitpicks everything I do, talks about how annoying or irritating I am, calls me names, etc. I'm getting to the point where I'm just tired of trying to hold our marriage together by myself. She overreacts to everything and as soon as one thing goes badly for her, she's talking about how she'll never be able to have a normal life and nobody cares and so forth. I recognize clinical depression when I see it but other than getting her to agree to treatment, I don't know what else to do. She doesn't seem to be at all serious about treatment and merely going isn't going to be of any benefit if she doesn't participate and make an earnest effort to get better. For the first time in our marriage, I'm beginning to regret having married her. When I first found out about her affairs and her intentions to leave, I took comfort in the fact that I had never felt this regret, even then when I was dizzy with emotional pain. Now I think it might have been better if we hadn't ever met. I don't know.
Hi there I registered with this site just so I could post this lol. I'm so sorry for what you've been put through. It's disgusting and no one should ever be put through this. I've known people who have cheated on their partner and even though they are the ones who have done wrong, they still believe they are the victims and constantly bitch and put the other half down. My advice to you would be to walk away from that b***h. I'm sorry but I have no time at all for cheaters and their pathetic excuses. I was with someone who went out one night, got extremely drunk and kissed a random girl for most of the night, I ended our relationship straight away which was heart breaking. He blamed it on being drunk. I was the perfect girlfriend to him but he still did it, why? because he's a selfish little nobody who craves attention from anything and anyone 24/7. That incident made me extremely ill, to the point where i had to go for counselling and take anti depressants. If your wife is this attention craving type with low self esteem who needs constant assurance from strangers then I would leave her where she is. The worst thing you could do is accept this whole mess with your making her life cushy trying to heal her while she's made you feel so low. Why should you take on all of her baggage when you've been treated like crap? She didn't care while she was playing away not just once but 14 times....It wasn't a drunken one off, she actually wanted to do these things and sex addict or not, makes no difference. There are plenty of sex addicts who don't cheat. You deserve someone who loves and cherishes you and makes you feel like a man, not a selfish witch who obviously doesn't care about your health. There's someone special out there for all of us, It took a while and it was really hard but I've found mine and couldn't be happier now, so get out of there while you can, free yourself and find true love. *Big hugs* Clare
Your wife is in a downward spiral of self loathing and she wants to drag you down with her. She wants you to be just as miserable as she is. You in a way validated these feeling she has because you forgave her AND got her help. Because of this her addiction is slipping away from her and she doesn't know what to do. For me it was when you said she hasn't used protection, thats just heartless. In my opinion she doesn't deserve you. Just because someone has a bona fide sex addiction doesn't mean they have a get out of jail free card to do or say whatever they want. She doesn't need to be coddled, she needs the door slammed in her face. All this btw coming from a woman who is a sex addict.
The beauty of suffering is our ability to survive it.
Definitely get into some POSA (partners of sex addicts meetings immediately), I've found them to be very helpful. People gave me their phone numbers on the first day and were nothing but kind and supportive. Also, it might help to attend some SA meetings (without your wife) so you can gain some more perspective of what she is going through. Best of luck to you.
Ausmatt wrote: Errr...I wouldn't take that advice.
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