My Wife Is A Lesbian
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My Wife Is A Lesbian
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#1
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Dec 17, 2016
This is going to be tough. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time and have been in a new city for about a year and a half. No family or friends when we came. We had moved from another city with little to no friends where my wife gave birth to our twins. We have been so busy with kids and moving new jobs over the past couple of years. We have been even more busy with this brand new baby.
You all can imagine the toll of having no friends, new jobs, new cities, new houses, new everything all while both working full time. My job makes it so I have to be out of town for three nights every week also. I have to leave my wife behind to take care off all 4 kids alone for three days. This has taken a toll on both her and I. I feel sick every time I leave for work knowing that I have to leave here with suck a burden. When I get home I do everything I can to keep the house in order, food in the fridge, yard work done, anything I can do to lighten her load. So this has been going on for about a year and a half with this new job of mine and the past 5 months we have added the baby into the mix. We are super stressed and sleep deprived and ready for it all to get better.
My job is not the best paying job so we are very tight on money but I will be getting a very large pay increase at the begging of the year. Financial stress to boot.
Well my wife made some friends at work that we would hang out with once in a blue moon. They had kids our age as well and my wife worked closely with the other woman. There were several women that worked very closely together at her work. About two months ago they started hanging out on nights that i was home from work. I was all about my wife going out and having friends. We had been waiting for some kind of support system for her to go out and have fun. I encouraged her to go out because we had not had good friends around in years. I'm still just chugging along doing everything I think I am suppose as a husband and father. Changing diapers, making lunch, and all the daily tasks that need to be done. I had neglected my wife more than I would like to admit and she me. From her perspective I can imagine I was the sole reason for the neglect but everything is 50/50 in my opinion. Now she had this new found friendship with these women and one happened to be a lesbian. Well my wife is very pretty and in good shape for having 4 kids and one of them 5 months. My wife would come home and tell me that they were having inappropriate conversations and I would probably feel very uncomfortable if I had been around them. Typical fun friend stuff. My wife would joke to me that the lesbian woman wanted to kiss my wife. I just shrugged it off as new friend foolishness.
A couple weeks of this and my wife is now going out every week and staying out very late to almost 4 AM. I would wake up on Saturday and do things with the kids on my own because my wife would be sleeping in until 12:00 pm. This went on for 4 weeks and it honestly started to get old. I was ok with her having friends but this was taking away from us as a family. I wanted desperately for her to have her time to recover after me being gone but I finally confronted her about it. We had a late night argument and I probably was pretty upset. She told me she would try and find a balance. By the way though, she was having sex with me and very active in the bedroom right at the beginning of these women hanging out which made it even more ok for her to go out if she was going to be intimate. We have not been very intimate in our relationship in the past. We went more than a year without sex at least three times and then it was every three or four months. I was excited for the sex but after our first argument things started to change. She was ignoring me and constantly texting this lesbian woman. She ended up having an overnight at this woman's home with some of her friends. I was still fine with it. I am a very loving person and I had felt bad for my wife for years without good friends and here they were taking all our time from each other. Double negative I know. I told her that I was just jealous.
Well my wife continues to ignore me for a week and not talk about the first argument which was about her ignoring me in the first place. Over the weeks she was going out she had been spending a lot of money also. Money that we needed to pay bills! On thanksgiving I confronted her again because after our family dinner she shut herself up in our room talking to this woman on the phone laughing so loud that I had to come and speak my mind. She got off the phone and we had another argument. I was so upset that she was going out of her way to not be around me and was giving all her attention to this woman. We got to the point where she was telling me that she was not sure where she stood on our current situation. She never brought up divorce or separation she simply skirted around it but the point was taken. I asked her flat out if she wanted to be with me or not and she could not give me a yes or a no answer. I had to leave for work early the next morning so the conversation had to be rushed.
When I get back from my trip I find more bags of things she had purchased. She was spending so much money that we were not going to be able to get a Christmas tree, presents, or even be able to pay our phone and power bill. I was very upset. I had to ask my mother for some money and luckily she did and our power was not turned off but my wife had the audacity to say to me we did not have money for me to buy one pair of shoes for our daughter while there was a new pair of shoes in my wife's closet. 4 new shirts, two new pants, a new bag, two new bras from VS and over a dozen new underwear that did not even resemble anything my wife had purchased our entire marriage. Sexy stuff. Pleas know that we are very religious so things like that just were not a priority for my wife before now. I was upset and after the argument she took off in the middle of the night and went to this woman's house to stay. Stayed there all day and did not go to work. Stayed there the next night also. She told me she did not come home because I did not text here.
Meanwhile I found out that she was getting in trouble at work for being too friendly with this lesbian woman and all her other work friends. Her boss had to tell them they could not be on their phones at work. So now my wife has left and I with the kids alone yet again.
Another week passes and my wife is telling me that she is not sure where she stands in our relationship and I become devastated. This was out of left field. I confront her about her new friends and how convenient it is that she is sating the night all the time and she comes home with this news that she is unsure about where she is in life. She tells me that she needs to "Find herself".
We have this new baby and all these years together and no warning. Now these new friends, new underwear, new makeup, new cloths, new everything but the friends had no influence on her decision. I had written her a note to try and tell her how much I loved her and try and figure out what was going on. The night I was going to give it to her I find out that the lesbian woman has been coming over to my house while I was gone to be with my wife since she could not leave our kids alone. My wife started to dog sit for her and drive 45 minutes to this lesbian woman's house to let her out and then 45 minutes back to go to work. The two were always calling and texting.
Well when I was planning on giving my wife this note I see my daughter drawing on a note book and tearing it up so I take it from here and find a letter from my wife to this woman. I was devastated! Its first sentence was, and I quote "I wish that I could show you my mind so you could see how beautiful you are to me". My wife had never written anything half as beautiful to me our entire 14 years. I confront my wife and all she tells me is that she has a very "special" relationship with this woman. My wife tells me again that she is confused about where she stands with me and again tells me that she needs to find herself. She tells me that she wish she had handled here disappointment with me differently over the years. She basically tells me that all through our marriage she had reason to want to leave me. That she probably should not have married me. Not in those exact words but that was what she was conveying. Meanwhile my wife is going to work with this woman, staying late at work with this woman and still going out with this woman.
She sad a Christmas party and stayed the night with this woman again. I am trying to give here space so she can figure out where she is in life but this was so hard for me to watch her leave at night knowing she was going to this woman’s house and confiding in her. She has told me that she needs here space at night as well when I am home but she is really on the phone with this woman until late hours of the night. She has stopped giving me affection and is not allowing me to give her affection.
I show up at her work with flowers and I lean in to hug here and I could tell it was so painful for her to do. The biggest thing of all was after my last business trip I come home early in the morning and the lesbian’s dog is in my house with my wife. There was a dog bed made up in the bedroom where the dog slept on my favorite blanket. All the sheets were off the bed and in the washing machine. The lesbian had stayed the night in my house, in my bed with my children in the next room without my wife even telling me. My wife left do drive the stupid dog 45 minutes to the lesbian’s house then 45 minutes to work. I check on the laundry and there are these weird stains all over the sheets. I had to hand wash them. I can only imagine what was going on in that bed. My imagination is running wild. I was so furious.
I try to squeeze here hand before I go to work and it’s like a dead fish. She still has not sat down and talked to me about how she truly feels. I read the "Fog of an affair" and have been trying to be patient and supportive as she tries to find herself. I have also started to implement the 180 crap to see if that works. She is just gone and there is nothing I can do.
The kicker is that this lesbian woman has started to post pictures of my children on instagram and my wife has posted things on instagram about this lesbian woman also. All my wife has given me is a couple of text saying that she wished she had realized how far detached she had been getting over the years. She told me that she had just come to terms with what her marriage had become. She said that she wished she had reacted to her disappointment and heartache over the years. She said that her heart aches for our kids because of where we are.
Well after two weeks of this and me trying to be strong and not push here out the door to see if she is willing to make this relationship work I am exhausted. It takes everything out of me to be so positive all day long while I am in the worst pain of my life. I am in such despair and I have not let my wife she what she is doing to me (I did breakdown once after the first time she told me she was unsure of our marriage). I don't know where to go from here. I have looked into getting "his needs here needs" I have been studying on how to stand for a reluctant wife. I wrote her a long letter telling her that I love here. I have another long letter that I am going to give to her telling here sorry for the neglect I have done over the years. Long like 20 pages long. Filled with lots of good stuff not weak take me back please kind of stuff.
Well last night she goes over to this girls place again and says that she is going to make baked goods for her coworkers and this morning she asks me to bring here a drink and I go to the store to buy a drink for her and there is a negative balance in our checking account. Instead of baking she went shopping with this lesbian woman and purchased more things for herself (We still do not have a Christmas tree or any gifts for our 4 children. I calmly ask here if we could talk about it tonight and all she does is send me another text. She said "I’m sorry for what's going on. I'm being selfish and I'm wanting to live a life different from what I’ve been doing. I think I've just snapped in some way. I just feel like I want to do me. It's nice and depressing at the same time. I just don't want to be anything for anybody but the kids. I don't want to be depended on in this marriage. I'm tired of doing the day in and day out. I don't want that kind of marriage."
I have been so sportive and patient. I want to be with this woman but everything she is doing is destroying all chances of that. Where do I go from here? She had a bag of stuff waiting at the bottom of the steps after we put our children down to sleep. She is at the lesbians house again tonight and it looks like she is not going to come back before morning and we were going to take the kids to see Santa. Looks like I will be doing that on my own. Please give me some advice. I can’t take it anymore.
At this point you need to be doing what is necessary to protect yourself and your children. It doesn't matter if it is man or woman, your wife has abandoned you and your marriage and her kids. Get a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. By not doing that is basically protecting her from all of the consequences of her actions. You are enabling her affair. If she wants to leave you then let her but don't support her while she does it. She is treating you like her parent not her spouse. Let he move in with her girlfriend if she wants. Read about the 180.
Now on to you, you have been way to passive in this whole thing. You should have giving consequences from the very beginning. Read "No more Mr. Nice Guy." This is a book for nice guys like you, who are really no confrontational. Why do you want to be with a woman who would treat you and your kids like this anyway? Something is wrong with your wife that she could do this to you and her kids and feel not shame about it. I get detaching from the marriage but she is basically throwing it in your face and has little regard to how awful this must feel for you. Normal decent people don't do this. There is better out there for you.
Your wife is having a very common affair, read some blogs the stories and complaints are basically all the same. These hidden complaints always seem to show up after the spouse has crapped all over their partner. Unfortunately for you your reaction to it has only prolonged your misery. You have let her guilt you into inaction, while at the same time continue to raise your children without her. See her actions for what they are, awful.
Seriously you need to stop this right now dude. You can't nice her back. She is like a spoiled child she needs consequences, and you need to give yourself your self respect back. That will help you to start better, right now your powerlessness is not helping your situation at all, and is contributing to your pain. Get a hold of yourself and start to see what this situation is, and fight!
You hear all the time that the BS has to eat a **** sandwich, but most of the time the WS -- IS the **** sandwich.
I'm very sorry you have found yourself here. Please confide in your parents and other close family members. You are going to need them. She is having herself a midlife crisis it sounds like. She's going to leave behind a lot of collateral damage. Hang tough there daddy...your littles need you. Big hugs....
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?
Not quite yet. I still hear fear rather than anger.
Why would you allow this to continue?
This may be better in the Coping With Infidelity section. Would you like me to move it?
Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time
Wow. Sounds like she did "find herself".
Raptor, how do you really come back from finding out your spouse is gay?
For me, anyway, that would be the end of the line.
Gosh, I am so sorry for you and your kids.
One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
i guess my advice would depend on if she is bisexual, or totally lesbian oriented at this point. it clearly is sexual. try to find out if she still gets turned on by men too. if she is bisexual, maybe there can be a time sharing arrangement?
^^^^How is this possible? How do you supervise, feed, clean-up after, check homework, run the kiddy taxi-cab with 4 children . . .and work a 40 hour week, 50+ hours if you include commuting and lunch breaks?
Plus have time to eat, use the toilet, shower, sleep, get dressed/put on make-up & do your hair.....and do 50% of the chores: cook, clean, laundry, car maintenance, do bills, mow the lawn, go to the store, take out the garbage cans, clean the gutters . . . .
It makes sense that a lot of relationships burn out in such circumstances .
One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
OP,
One of, if not the single biggest fallacy that individuals have when they come here is that the situation they find themselves in is repairable. In virtually all cases it simply is not. I know you do not want to hear this but it is true. Your WW has committed acts that are very difficult, sometimes impossible, to walk back. The marriage, as you have conceived it, is over. A new one can rise in its place with true remorse and reconciliation but that is highly unlikely.
In order for a new one to have any chance going forward the A must be stopped. To allow it to continue sends many negative signals to a woman who is already so confused that she is jeopardizing her family. She must be made to know that what she is doing is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. She must see real life consequences for her actions. If it does not cause her pain, anguish or at least discomfort you cannot expect her to change. Cheaters lack empathy so asking yourself how she could do this to you and your children is a moot point.
The only real course of action is to make her feel the consequences of her deeds. Her mind is not capable of processing information the way yours is so expecting her to behave as you would is unrealistic. You must force her hand by applying pressure because pressure is uncomfortable. If her present situation becomes uncomfortable, as your relationship had become to her prior to this event, then she will seek change. It falls to you to make her see coming back to the marriage as the best form of change. This is nearly impossible since the discomfort she felt before is how she now views your marriage. and what she expects from it.
Being nice and giving her space will not cause her any angst and will in fact perpetuate her behavior since she is getting what she wants without any consequences. Actually your inaction is seen in her eyes as acceptance. Therefore, if you are to have any chance of saving your marriage you must set boundaries immediately and force her to comply. If she does not, then you mu
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