My Wife Has Survived Hard Bdsm
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When I got home that night my wife served dinner. I held her hand and said, "I've got something to tell you." She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking about divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "Why?"
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!"
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore, I just pitied her.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it to pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources, and energy but I could not take back what I had said. I loved Jane now.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came home late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still at the table writing.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions. She didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple; our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me, but she had something more. She asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration, I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy, but just to make our last days together bearable, I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce," she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any physical contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding Mommy in his arms."
His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the living room and to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Don't tell our son about the divorce."
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her, and for a minute, I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown bigger." I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, and that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me. She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, "Dad, it's time to carry mom out." To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the living room, and to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, just like on our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, "I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy."
I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door. "Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore."
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. "Do you have a fever?" she replied.
I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Jane," I said. "I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day, I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart."
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The saleswoman asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart."
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face. I ran up the stairs only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting cancer for months, but I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and wanted to save me from any negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I'm a loving husband.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It's not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Have a real happy marriage!
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I am my wife’s carer, but she can’t have sex and I need to satisfy my libido
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She is getting respite care soon and I am excited about having time alone for sexual pleasure – but I feel I must keep it a secret to avoid upsetting her
Last modified on Mon 22 Mar 2021 17.15 GMT
I am a man aged 65 and my wife is 69. We have been married for nearly 25 years. As young people, we were both shy and found it difficult to make relationships, but then we got together and shared many activities, including a happy sex life. Recently, my wife has developed chronic back pain, which has been very debilitating for her. Many activities that we used to enjoy together, including sex, have fallen by the wayside. She finds any form of sex, even stimulation by hand, too painful. We have not had sex for several years, but I still feel the need for some sexual pleasure in my life. I have come to rely on fantasy and masturbation . My wife may need assistance at any time, day or night, so it is difficult to fit in a relaxed session. Soon, however, my wife is getting respite care and I will be able to take a holiday . With the prospect of having whole days and nights to myself, I am excited by the thought of calling a sex line or getting a sex doll . My superego tells me not to, but my libido insists. I feel I have to keep this secret from my wife, as I don’t want to upset her.
All couples keep secrets from each other. In some cases, these could be considered by an outsider to be harmless and inconsequential, while other cases might be judged to be harmful betrayals. I try to be nonjudgmental and can’t advise you regarding the morality of the choices before you. Let me say that you are not alone. There are many people struggling with the kind of situation you are facing – trying to meet your needs while protecting your spouse’s feelings, but frightened by the secrecy that would be necessary to achieve the former. There are ways to help people living with chronic pain enjoy sex, but your wife may not wish to explore these options. People who have lost all interest in sex do not usually value eroticism. However, they tend to desire a different kind of intimacy – which you are probably providing already as her carer. Could you reframe your different physical needs as natural consequences of your physiological realities? In order to be a willing and energetic caregiver, you must look after yourself. Be cautious, but be kind to yourself – and recognise that the secret, low-risk, self-pleasuring activities you are considering may be beneficial to both of you.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
https://www.sunnyskyz.com/feel-good-story/1125/Married-Or-Not-You-Should-Read-This-Husband-s-Story
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/30/my-wife-carer-cant-have-sex-need-satisfy-libido
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