My Tranny Wife

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My Tranny Wife
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I'd been married to my husband for 18 years, and I never once imagined that he was a woman trapped in a man's body.
This is what happened when my "husband" became my "wife."
I've only been married 18 short years. Raising three children, working, living, breathing, loving, existing in the same space as my husband for 18 whole years and I never once imagined that he was a woman trapped in a man's body.
That is until he blurted it out six months ago. At first, I thought he was joking, but realised quickly he was deadly serious.
My instinctive reaction was to laugh at him, and then to instantly regret it.
My next reaction was nothing. That part I'm proud of. Not reacting, that is. I've spent the better part of my life reacting and succumbing to automatic response and inevitably feeling remorseful afterwards.
I simply shut my mouth and looked at him blankly for a full 2 or 3 minutes. He asked me if I was okay, and I just nodded.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking Heavens above. . . is it okay? I love him, of course it's okay. . . But I was stunned that I'd never noticed anything at all that led me to think he was anything other than the hardworking, sport-loving, ball-o-muscle ladies' man I'd always assumed he was.
And there's that hideous little word: assumed . The phrases "assume nothing" and "nothing is ever as it seems" have never taken on such gigantic proportions, in my humble opinion.
But in my heart, I knew from the minute he told me that it was imperative that he step up and be true to himself, express himself, and be just precisely who he needs to be.
He was actually the one who turned around and asked me if it was okay with me if he pursued this dream of his. A "dream," a "goal" he called it. Honestly, a dream? A goal? This shouldn't be either of those two. This should be his right as a living, breathing, feeling human being. His right to live in his body and love it, to wear the clothes he loves, to express himself just precisely the way that exhilarates him.
Of course it's okay with me, I told him. But he was to change his mind half a dozen times in the next six months about pursuing his change or his "coming out," so to speak. He didn't want to upset the neighbors, his family, his children. He didn't want to ruffle my feathers or embarrass me at all.
It's so hard to describe how I felt when he explained this. It was a mixture of anger, rebellion, and sadness. What a gentle giant. . . such a giving, compassionate, kind person he was prepared to sacrifice his health and longevity for his family.
I think I felt anger, rebellion, and sadness because he was actually prepared to just exist in his designated male body and put up with the self-loathing to appease his family, the masses, society, whoever. It was hard to explain to him that if he didn't step up and express himself and simply be the most fabulous person that he ever could be, it would surely crush him and rot him from the inside out.
He's my soulmate, my other half, my right arm. I wouldn't be able to breathe without him, regardless of whether he's wearing a skirt or a shirt and tie. Ridiculous labels society sets up for people.
I do believe he gets it now. Six different times, he decided against pursuing the life-changing hormones that would ultimately change his appearance from masculine to feminine. And each time he tried to go against his grain, in our home, he would turn into a grumpy, nasty fool who was entirely odious to be anywhere near.
Finally, he came to terms with it and he's on his way. He's wearing his girly pink nickers to work under his greasy overalls and it puts a really big smile on his dial.
Next step is to navigate our way around this unbelievably closed-minded government system so that we can get him started on hormones. One step at a time, though.
At least he's getting excited about it finally and he's a total joy to live with again.
Sure I'm scared, but not because of what people are going to think. I honestly couldn't give a fig what other people think about our life.
The only people who currently know are myself and him. . . and now, anybody reading this knows too.
How am I going to feel when his body changes?
How am I going to feel when he starts to lose his muscles and starts growing breasts?
How is it going to impact me when he has the sex change operation?
What I'm scared of is how am I going to feel when his body changes?
How am I going to feel when he starts to lose his muscly physique and starts growing breasts?
How is it really going to impact me when he has the sex change operation?
I don't know the answers to any of those questions. But what I do know is that I truly can't breathe without him. The very best I can do is to take each minute as it comes and just put my best foot forward and help him with all my heart to find himself. Everybody deserves to feel fabulous in their own body.
Of course, I'm also nervous about the possibility of having our house or car torched by ignorant individuals who are completely oblivious to anything other than their opinion. . . but what's the point of panicking if it hasn't happened yet?
They say that 99% of what you worry about never happens. Both of us are big believers in eliminating the brain chatter and rising above the situation with the power of positivity, so maybe we will glide through this effortlessly. I do truly believe that we can't change the way other people think or behave, and the only way to deal with negativity and hatred from others is not to react. Don't feed their anger. And move on. . . but all of this is preemptive.
I'll keep journalling my thoughts for you to read. I'm so grateful for the life I have, the family I have, and for my continuing health and vitality. I figure the least I can do is share my tenuous, shaky steps with anybody who's interested in reading. I might not be particularly spectacular, but if nothing else I am brave.
So there you go. I'm journalling this for my sanity and to illustrate to anybody out there that you need to follow your dreams, as my husband. . . wife? puts it. Without dreams, life is just breathing.
Diane Daniel : "I detached emotionally and physically. I cried every day. I wondered what else he hadn't told me. I feared something was wrong with me to attract this kind of mate. I was angry and ashamed."
Lauren Rowello : "I was a straight woman whose spouse came out as trans. It didn’t change a thing."
Barbara Hamlin: It was "a feeling of relief, to be truthful. Because I did know about crossdressing and transgender very vaguely. And this wasn't as scary as losing one's relationship or marriage."
Shellie Ruge : "Once I started learning what transgenderism was, what it really meant, what Randi was going through, there was no way at that moment that I could leave that relationship and leave Randi."
My Husband Is Now My Wife by Alex Morris: "The spouses of transgender people face their own dramatic transformations—only no one celebrates them."
Staying Married Through a Gender Transition by Evan Urquhart at Slate: "Six years ago, Cassie and I met and began dating as lesbians. At the time, I didn’t know I was transgender. Then about two years ago, just nine months after we were married, I told her I thought I might want to transition and live as a man."
Beyond Blue Forum: Spouse of Coming-Out Trans MTF (an online forum): "We have two children (10 and 9) who don’t know, and I don’t know how to approach this."
Op-Ed: The Transgender Blues by Lisa Jaffe Hubbell: "If my husband was really always a she, then were we ever really an us?"

"We Have Continually Chosen Each Other": An Unforgettable Transgender Love Story
Tiffany Grimes and Dade Barlow Courtesy of subjects
Dade photo: Jan Smith. Tiffany photo: Scott Harding
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Tiffany Grimes and Tiffany Barlow grew up nearly a thousand miles apart—one in a remote Arizona border town, the other in the shadows of the Sierra Nevada mountains. They would find their way to each other, and to a peaceful life in a sunny house surrounded by fruit trees and organic garden beds in rural Oregon. But it took a pilgrimage that only they can describe—starting with Barlow, known now as Dade.
DADE BARLOW __:__ We were really poor during my childhood, and I was raised with my older sister as a Jehovah’s Witness, which to me felt very brainwashing, very controlling. I was caged off from the rest of the world. And although my wedding at 18 wasn’t an arranged marriage, it felt close to one.
TIFFANY GRIMES : My hometown is 300 people in Calaveras County, California. I had boyfriends, went on prom dates, all very traditional; if there was a gay character on TV, my dad would turn it off. I met my future husband at Southern Oregon University. We went out for five years but broke up because I fell in love with a woman—I thought it was her , not that I was gay. And after dating for a bit, I wanted to get back with my ex. We married when I was 27. But eventually I came to realize, “I think I am actually gay.” And he was like, “Yeah, I think you are too.” Although divorce was really hard and sad, it was also the best thing for both of us.
DADE: As much as I didn’t want to get married, my husband was my best friend for seven and a half years—I still see him. But at 25 I knew the pieces in my life were wrong, and I needed to just clear the puzzle off the table and start over. One of those pieces was that I had an attraction to women. So I got divorced, left the religion, left my family and friends, and rented a townhouse in southern Oregon, where I wanted to run my electrical engineering business.
TIFFANY __:__ I’ve always had a great relationship with my family, but when I came out to my parents, it was a really big thing.
TRAVIS GRIMES, TIFFANY’S FATHER __:__ Quite a curve to catch.
BARBARA GRIMES, TIFFANY’S MOTHER: We were taught homosexuality was dirty, sinful. But the night Tiffany sat down at the dining room table and shared that she was gay, I was surprised at my reaction—I just wanted to put my arms around her and let her know that this would not divide us.
TRAVIS: At first Barbara and I both thought, Maybe we can help change her back. But we decided it’s not a choice; it’s who you are. And we love our daughter.
DADE: Tiff and I met in August of 2008 on Craigslist.
TIFFANY: Before the site was creepy!
DADE: I was in this new town and had zero friends. So I put an ad on the Strictly Platonic section that said, “I’m 26, I’m not a freak, I just want someone to go on a hike with.”
TIFFANY: I was trying to get together a southern Oregon women’s hiking group. And I loved the straightforward dry humor, so I was like, “Not a freak? Come on!” We emailed but never connected. Then, later that summer, I’d broken up with my girlfriend, and there was a “Lez Get-Together” bowling thing, and Dade was there. When I first saw her—
DADE: You’re gonna talk about the tight jeans, aren’t you?
TIFFANY: Yeah, you were really sexy. Here was this hot little dyke electrician with a motorcycle who was superintelligent. And kind of shy. There’s a small pool of lesbians in southern Oregon. I’d been swimming, and I was like, “I’m getting this fish. This is mine.”
DADE: It was the first time I had gone out after my divorce. I was drawn to Tiff because—I was given no other choice! [ Laughs .] She just filled up the space with her energy. And I liked that.
TIFFANY: Our first date was a hike. She was super introverted. So we’d go to the mountains or ride on her motorcycle. She wouldn’t make a move. So finally one day when I got off the bike, I took off her helmet and just kissed her. And that was that. We pretty much have been together ever since.
DADE: People would call us TNT [for Tiffany and Tiffany], but I got so f-cking tired of “ Yes , our names are both Tiffany.” One day I said, “We’re not doing this anymore,” and without any thought, I picked a new name, Dade, from the main character in the movie Hackers .
TIFFANY: I moved in with Dade in a hot minute. We started talking about children, and suddenly I could see having a baby with this person and really wanting that. New Year’s Eve of 2009 I proposed. I got the rings and read a poem I’d written and—
Tiffany and Dade wed on September 4, 2010, at Agate Ridge Vineyard in Eagle Point, Oregon—although legally it was a domestic partnership because the state hadn’t yet recognized same-sex marriage. Not long after, the couple was channel-surfing and stumbled on a Netflix documentary about a transgender man.
DADE: And then I got on the Internet. Growing up I’d never even heard the word transgender. I barely knew that people were gay, you know? Watching the documentary gave me the words to articulate what I had always secretly known. As a child I’d felt like a G.I. Joe playing dress up. And I made statements like, “I am a boy.” My sister and I were close, and I could see she was so comfortable in her body; it was part of a beautiful cycle of life, but I knew that wasn’t what my body should be doing. I loathed the way it moved and jiggled, when I ran or even brushed my teeth—it was supposed to be solid and muscular and stringy. The incongruence made me feel slimy. It was just…incredibly wrong.
TIFFANY: Even with us, there was no talk about periods. Dade was so uncomfortable with that kind of stuff.
DADE: We’d been married maybe six months when I tried testing the waters and told Tiff I wanted to become more masculine. She immediately saw the squirrel in the tree and went, “What are you saying?” I was like, “Oh, nothing.” I wasn’t willing to give up my new life with her in order to transition, so I tried to ignore it. But once that seed was in there, it was like I’d finally unearthed the truth and I couldn’t push it away. About six months later we met at a restaurant for lunch, and I basically told her, “I am transgender—”
TIFFANY: Your typical lunch conversation.
DADE: “—and I need to find out what it means for us.” Tiffany’s eyes have a way of turning into blue-fire slits, and they were aiming right at me. She pretty much said, “I am not on board. Not at all.”
TIFFANY: I felt like, You gotta be f-cking kidding me. I unraveled my whole life of being married to a man to be in this scenario with you. And now I want this life with you as my wife, of being two moms having this child together—because by then I’d already gone through several rounds of intrauterine insemination with a sperm donor—and you tricked me.
DADE: She kept saying, “You lied, you lied,” louder and louder, making a scene. And I kept saying that I didn’t. Because I hadn’t; my life had been a kind of war zone until I fell in love with her. In a way she enabled me to finally feel safe enough to be me.
TIFFANY: After that, Dade would try to convince me: “I’m already masculine; I’m just going to go one more little click over.” And I’m like, “No, that’s a big click.” I was thinking, How do I tell my family this? How do I fit this into my world? I really had only one friend I could talk to.
EMILY MINAH, TIFFANY’S FRIEND: At the time the whole transgender issue was new to me too, so I was researching. And I noticed that people who shared their stories had often wanted to leave their old lives behind and begin again as the man or woman they transitioned to. So my concern was, Is Dade going to want to do that? Could this be the end of their relationship?
TIFFANY: There were six to nine months when Dade and I weren’t talking about the transition idea. I was assuming it was all going away. Then one of us would bring it up, and we’d realize we were still as polarized as ever. And then we’d start drinking, and it would just get ugly. And I’d get to “How could you do this to me?”
DADE: I’d take that and hold it dear. Like, I am just a piece of shit.
TIFFANY: I came to realize this was not going away. And so we—
DADE: Started talking about divorce. Things were so bad I got to where I felt there was no option other than to commit suicide. At that point I was absolutely alone in the world. I had only Tiff—I gave up everyone else when I left my religion. And she wasn’t into a transitioned me. I was ready, equipped, and seconds away from ending my life. And I don’t know why I didn’t do it. But something stopped me.
TIFFANY: He didn’t share this with me at the time. But I knew we were at an impasse. Dade could only see what the transition meant for him, and I could only see what it meant for me—sacrificing my dreams of having a family, community, and acceptance. And, not that there was any logic to it, but I still had shame about divorcing my ex-husband. I felt that leaving due to being gay would somehow be invalidated by now being with a man. And then we found this amazing counselor, Audrey, who has done a lot of work in the trans community.
Dr. AUDREY LEHMANN, THEIR THERAPIST: I see couples like Tiffany and Dade all the time. It’s incredibly painful for both parties. Sometimes, one of the hardest parts for a partner who identifies as lesbian is that, because of the transition, she’ll be seen as straight by the world; the same is true of a straight woman who will be seen as gay when her husband transitions to a female. In my anecdotal experience, the odds of breaking up are about 40-60.
TIFFANY: There was one particular exercise that Audrey did, where I just had to listen to Dade without translating what his words meant for me.
DADE: That was a turning point. Audrey made me say what I had to: “I need to transition, regardless of what that means for our relationship.” I hadn’t been able to say that before because I didn’t want to lose our marriage.
TIFFANY: That’s also when he told me about his suicidal thoughts. I finally was able to understand that this was a life-or-death scenario for Dade. He couldn’t stay in this situation he was in. I had been on this battlefield of “Go away, you evil force who’s trying to take over my wife. I will fight for her.” After that, I looked around and it was like, there’s nobody here except me—I am just fighting me. Outside our home we have a huge cedar, our tree of life. I went and stood by it and just sobbed. It was like my wife had died. She was gone. That was transformative. Once I let
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