My Sons Mother And Family Sex
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My son’s behaviour towards his sister and me is inappropriate
Something is clearly going on with your son, and you need to find out what, says Annalisa Barbieri
‘You may not have found porn on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
Last modified on Mon 22 Mar 2021 07.50 GMT
My son is 12 and on the cusp of puberty. For the last six months, his behaviour towards me and his 15-year-old sister has become oversexualised and inappropriate. This has included making lewd remarks and suggestions to her. He often grabs her, or strokes her hair or arms. He does the same to me, using language that sounds like lyrics from suggestive love songs. When going to and from the bathroom, he exposes himself and makes lewd remarks.
We’ve made it clear we don’t like it and want him to stop. He laughs and says he didn’t mean it. He rarely behaves like this in front of his father (we all live together). He goes to an all-boys school and I haven’t had reports of this there.
I’m at the end of my tether. I want to show him, in front of his sister, that his behaviour could be classed as criminal. I’ve tried punishments that we use for other poor behaviour. Sometimes this stops him temporarily. In general, he is quite an anxious, angry and unhappy person at home. I monitor his internet access and I haven’t found evidence he watches porn or adult content. He mostly uses it for gaming.
Teenagers often test the boundaries with their parents, but it’s not usual for boys to make suggestive sexual comments to female members of the family, and less usual still that they expose themselves. This is the age they tend to become more self-conscious and inhibited – so something is clearly going on with your son and you need to find out what.
I contacted Graham Music, a psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk) who has worked extensively with children and adolescents – especially troubled ones – and has written several books on the subject.
We both wondered what your husband’s reaction to your son’s behaviour was – whether or not he witnesses it himself? He needs to be more involved than he seems to be. It’s important for men to call out inappropriate behaviour in other men, and that starts in the home.
Music said that, often, if children are experiencing something they cannot deal with, they will seek to make others feel what they are feeling. It’s as if they are throwing it out there to say, “This is what I’m dealing with.” So the child who feels shame may seek to make others ashamed, the child who feels left out rejects others, and so on. “You don’t often act out so overtly unless you’ve been exposed to something that’s been overwhelming,” explains Music.
You may not have found porn or adult content on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it. It is likely he will have seen something. He could have seen or heard something via gaming; get more involved (you and your husband) in what he does online, which is best done by showing an interest rather than hectoring.
The fact he’s angry and anxious worries me further. Was he always like this? Music asks: “How did your son deal with unhappiness as a child?”
I would also talk to the school to get a better picture of what’s going on there. “Is he being bullied, and is he bullying you and his sister in turn?” asked Music. Has he recently changed schools?
My sister is being abused by her husband. What can I do?
Music was also interested in the dynamics of your house: “Who else lives there, what else is going on there, what are the power dynamics between you and your husband?”
There was scant information in your letter and little curiosity about why your son is doing this. The key to stopping it is to understand why he’s doing it. “It could be sexual urges,” said Music, “or it could be he’s using the sexual as a language to enact something else, like asserting power.” How do you generally deal with feelings in the family? Are they allowed or are they buried? Your son might have noticed and enjoyed getting a reaction out of you. But, again, you need to look at why he feels this compulsion.
In the meantime, his behaviour must be addressed and your daughter told she can react to protect herself. “Boundaries and authority are essential,” says Music, “But you and your husband need to set those up together. Try to stop his behaviour and then work out why it’s happening. Your son needs to understand there are consequences, but you need to make space to think about why he’s doing this.”
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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The Toronto Star, Kitchener-Record, by DIANNE WOOD, TORSTAR NEWS SERVICE, October 3, 2004
Kitchener - A Kitchener woman has pleaded guilty to having sexual intercourse with her two teenage sons on separate occasions.
The woman can't be named to protect the identities of her sons. She sobbed in Kitchener's Ontario Court on Friday as the two incest charges were read out and the facts given.
The 35-year-old woman will be sentenced next month. Crown prosecutor Mark Poland said outside court that sentences for incest can range from house arrest to a prison term. He said such cases, involving mothers, are rare.
"We see it the other way around where the father's abusing the daughter way more frequently," Poland said.
The court heard that the woman told a worker at an alcohol detoxification centre what she'd done after going there to deal with her alcoholism. Alcohol was involved in both incidents.
Poland said after the woman split up with her husband, the boys lived with her. A few months later, she left them at her husband's doorstep with a note saying she couldn't take care of them.
After some time, she began visiting her sons at her ex-husband's home. This lasted for several years until her husband began to suspect she was drinking, and reduced the contact.
From 2001 to 2003, there was almost no contact with the boys, court heard. Her ex-husband allowed contact to resume after the woman assured him she was no longer drinking. The boys began visiting the woman and her boyfriend at her home again this year.
During one visit on Jan. 30, the mother gave her sons alcohol, court heard.
As the night wound on, everyone went to bed except the woman and one son. He and his mother began a conversation about his girlfriend, which turned to sexual matters. The two embraced, removed their clothes and sexual intercourse followed. The next day, they discussed what had happened, decided it was wrong and said it would not occur again.
On March 12, the two boys were visiting their mother once more. Again, alcohol was provided.
Everyone went to bed except the second son. He was feeling drunk. His mother helped him downstairs to bed and started to tuck him in.
He began playing with his mother's hair and they began a conversation about his social life. The teen told his mother he was having sexual fantasies about her. They embraced and had sex.
The next day, the mother talked with the second boy and they decided it would never happen again.
Several days later, the woman relayed a message to her ex-husband to pick up the boys because she had to go into a detoxification clinic, where she admitted she'd had sex with her sons. Family and Children's Services were called and then police. The boys confirmed her story. The woman also pleaded guilty to breaching a court order not to contact her sons after her arrest. Kitchener-Waterloo Record.
Female Sexual Predators / Female Sex Offenders
VANCOUVER - Canada's largest study into the sexual exploitation of street kids and runaways has shattered some myths about who the abusers might be - with the most surprising finding being that many are women seeking sex with young males.
"Some youth in each gender were exploited by women with more than three out of four (79 per cent) sexually exploited males reporting exchanging sex for money or goods with a female," said Elizabeth Saewyc, associate professor of nursing at the University of British Columbia and principal investigator for the study conducted by Vancouver's McCreary Centre Society.
"I must admit it wasn't something we were expecting." Read More ..
After Plymouth case shocked the nation, police say number of women abusing children
The Guardian UK and The Observer
4 October 2009
Researchers from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation (LFF), a child protection charity that deals with British female sex offenders, said its studies confirmed that a "fair proportion" of child abusers were women. Donald Findlater, director of research and development, said results indicated that up to 20% of a conservative estimate of 320,000 suspected UK paedophiles were women. Read More ..
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