My Sister Saw My Dick
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My Sister Saw My Dick
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operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke
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I am 32 and married with children but in serious trouble because I messed up with a young girl (18) from our estate and she is now pregnant. We became friends after I frequently gave her a lift to town then we had casual no-strings-attached sex on several occasions. She is now four months pregnant and she is asking me what she is going to tell her parents. I have tried to talk to her but she isn’t listening. I don’t love her and I can’t imagine losing my family because of this young and irresponsible girl. I think some neighbours are already suspecting something from the way they make funny statements at me and so it may just be a matter of time before this comes out. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
Ochieng, are you calling her young and irresponsible now that she is pregnant for you? Accept that she is expectant and since she is not underage consider engaging all the concerned parties including her parents and your family. You knew you did not love her but still went ahead and slept with her. Choices have consequences. Face this problem head-on, tell your wife what you did and prepare to raise this chid.
This is a problem of your own making. I would not encourage you to ask anyone to terminate a pregnancy. People already know of the story so in case she procures abortion and she dies or something happens you shall be the first culprit. You better inform your wife and your parents of this pregnant lady and be ready to support her and her baby because it has happened after your prolonged relationship. But first wait for the birth of the child then you can do a DNA test to confirm paternity then if it turns out positive you can do what will be required of you.
How do you go terming her as irresponsible? It is interesting how you realise this only now after sleeping with her severally. A responsible man takes responsibility for his actions and that pregnancy is your responsibility. You should encourage and support her to keep that pregnancy and make sure the child is raised responsibly.
One of the best ways of dealing with adversity is to stay ahead of the information. Let your wife get the information from you before someone else gives her the 'abridged' version. Get her in her best moods, when it is the two of you, preferably, away from home. Be honest with her and together come up with how to deal with the scenario. Be very calm throughout the discussion. The girl is free to inform her parents. Finally, take the responsibility by law or laws of moral justice.
What really has woken you up from your secret doing? Is it because the girl is pregnant? Would you be feeling this repentant if she was not?
Well, this must be a time of deep regret for you and I guess you wish you could conceal all this drama. Keeping this a secret may not be possible, there is a child already involved, and it is not a solution. The best option now is for you to open up to your wife yourself before the rumour gets to her. Do not wait for her to seek an explanation from you.
When you volunteer to give the information, even your apology will sound real as opposed to waiting until she gets to know, then you appear as if you are seeking forgiveness because your private affair has been uncovered and not because you are remorseful.
We cannot tell how she will react but your conduct before now will determine the outcome. That is, if you have been good to her, she is likely to forgive you, but if your behaviour has been a pain to her, then things might be different. That is why you must be the one to disclose this matter to her.
In addition, the child’s welfare needs to be taken into consideration and this is something that the three of you need to agree on. All said and done, make an honest assessment of your relationship so that such incidents can be avoided in future. Sometimes couples slowly drift apart without their knowledge. It is only episodes like this that jerks them to reality. Therefore make every necessary changes that you may have to. Together you can turn and get this relationship back on course and thriving.
(Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology)
Ochieng, I more or less understand the situation you are in but I am not sure about what sort of ending you are anticipating through this. Picking from your words you say she is asking you about what to tell her parents but on the other hand you are talking to her and she is not listening? We shall get back to this later but it is somewhat a paradox.
Essentially, I have my fingers crossed that she is actually 18 as you say because anything lower than this can actually turn out to be disastrous for you. If he is indeed 18 the problems are still enormous but of a different nature. If my imagination serves me right, you are trying to get her to sort this matter once and for all through a termination. If this be the case then she is doing the right thing by not listening to you and it is actually very unfair of you to think of putting her life at risk all for your convenience. If she is pregnant with your child I encourage you to deal with the matter as is and not consider unreasonable shortcuts that only work well for you.
I am also surprised that you term her an irresponsible girl but do remember that you repeatedly had sexual relations with her so you are just as irresponsible if not more. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life and with such matters the key is coming out clean on this. Yes, it will have repercussions on you and all the families that are involved in this. There is no other way to dealing with such matters. Come clean and take whatever responsibility that may come from this. You may not need to marry her but as far as the child is concerned, you ought to take your rightful share of responsibilities and support them. Yes, this will impact heavily on your family but since there is no other way to go about this you will have to bear the brunt. On their part, they will need to come to terms with this and learn to live with it. The alternative is to move from that neighbourhood and deal with this secretly for as long as it will be possible.
{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}
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The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke
More stories to check out before you go
I am 32 and married with children but in serious trouble because I messed up with a young girl (18) from our estate and she is now pregnant. We became friends after I frequently gave her a lift to town then we had casual no-strings-attached sex on several occasions. She is now four months pregnant and she is asking me what she is going to tell her parents. I have tried to talk to her but she isn’t listening. I don’t love her and I can’t imagine losing my family because of this young and irresponsible girl. I think some neighbours are already suspecting something from the way they make funny statements at me and so it may just be a matter of time before this comes out. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
Ochieng, are you calling her young and irresponsible now that she is pregnant for you? Accept that she is expectant and since she is not underage consider engaging all the concerned parties including her parents and your family. You knew you did not love her but still went ahead and slept with her. Choices have consequences. Face this problem head-on, tell your wife what you did and prepare to raise this chid.
This is a problem of your own making. I would not encourage you to ask anyone to terminate a pregnancy. People already know of the story so in case she procures abortion and she dies or something happens you shall be the first culprit. You better inform your wife and your parents of this pregnant lady and be ready to support her and her baby because it has happened after your prolonged relationship. But first wait for the birth of the child then you can do a DNA test to confirm paternity then if it turns out positive you can do what will be required of you.
How do you go terming her as irresponsible? It is interesting how you realise this only now after sleeping with her severally. A responsible man takes responsibility for his actions and that pregnancy is your responsibility. You should encourage and support her to keep that pregnancy and make sure the child is raised responsibly.
One of the best ways of dealing with adversity is to stay ahead of the information. Let your wife get the information from you before someone else gives her the 'abridged' version. Get her in her best moods, when it is the two of you, preferably, away from home. Be honest with her and together come up with how to deal with the scenario. Be very calm throughout the discussion. The girl is free to inform her parents. Finally, take the responsibility by law or laws of moral justice.
What really has woken you up from your secret doing? Is it because the girl is pregnant? Would you be feeling this repentant if she was not?
Well, this must be a time of deep regret for you and I guess you wish you could conceal all this drama. Keeping this a secret may not be possible, there is a child already involved, and it is not a solution. The best option now is for you to open up to your wife yourself before the rumour gets to her. Do not wait for her to seek an explanation from you.
When you volunteer to give the information, even your apology will sound real as opposed to waiting until she gets to know, then you appear as if you are seeking forgiveness because your private affair has been uncovered and not because you are remorseful.
We cannot tell how she will react but your conduct before now will determine the outcome. That is, if you have been good to her, she is likely to forgive you, but if your behaviour has been a pain to her, then things might be different. That is why you must be the one to disclose this matter to her.
In addition, the child’s welfare needs to be taken into consideration and this is something that the three of you need to agree on. All said and done, make an honest assessment of your relationship so that such incidents can be avoided in future. Sometimes couples slowly drift apart without their knowledge. It is only episodes like this that jerks them to reality. Therefore make every necessary changes that you may have to. Together you can turn and get this relationship back on course and thriving.
(Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology)
Ochieng, I more or less understand the situation you are in but I am not sure about what sort of ending you are anticipating through this. Picking from your words you say she is asking you about what to tell her parents but on the other hand you are talking to her and she is not listening? We shall get back to this later but it is somewhat a paradox.
Essentially, I have my fingers crossed that she is actually 18 as you say because anything lower than this can actually turn out to be disastrous for you. If he is indeed 18 the problems are still enormous but of a different nature. If my imagination serves me right, you are trying to get her to sort this matter once and for all through a termination. If this be the case then she is doing the right thing by not listening to you and it is actually very unfair of you to think of putting her life at risk all for your convenience. If she is pregnant with your child I encourage you to deal with the matter as is and not consider unreasonable shortcuts that only work well for you.
I am also surprised that you term her an irresponsible girl but do remember that you repeatedly had sexual relations with her so you are just as irresponsible if not more. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life and with such matters the key is coming out clean on this. Yes, it will have repercussions on you and all the families that are involved in this. There is no other way to dealing with such matters. Come clean and take whatever responsibility that may come from this. You may not need to marry her but as far as the child is concerned, you ought to take your rightful share of responsibilities and support them. Yes, this will impact heavily on your family but since there is no other way to go about this you will have to bear the brunt. On their part, they will need to come to terms with this and learn to live with it. The alternative is to move from that neighbourhood and deal with this secretly for as long as it will be possible.
{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}
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What is age appropriate touching between school-aged friends?
I recently found out while at a friend's house my 8 year old went into his female friend's bedroom where they both took off their clothes and while standing, he touched his penis to her vagina. On another occasion, he asked if she wanted to do that again. She said "no" and he said "okay." Since then, my son and I have had a conversation about appropriate touch which is a conversation we’ve had many times before. We also had a discussion about the body, how babies are born, masturbation, sexual abuse, etc. I gave him a book to look at and ensured him that although he can not do those things again, he was not in trouble and that curiosity is normal.
Can you please tell me how typical this is, if it is considered sexual abuse, and if I should do anything other than what I’ve already done?
Children’s sexual behaviors can be confusing, even for an involved and engaged parent like yourself. Yes, you are doing all the right things! And, I’m so glad you’re looking for even more support.
Age Appropriate Sexual Play It is within the range of Age-Appropriate Behaviors for children your son’s age to experiment with same-age children. However, since touching his penis to her vagina does mimic a mature sexual behavior, this is notable and worth some follow-up. Please know that children’s sexual behaviors are very different from adult sexual behaviors. Children’s actions may sexually (and unintentionally) harm other children, but their motivations are very different from an adult who sexually abuses a child. I’m also wondering if you’ve been able to ask your son where he got this first idea from? These behaviors can come up for a variety of reasons: curiosity, confusion about boundaries, exposure to inappropriate content, a disability, or even as a response to their own sexual abuse.
Checking-in with the Other Parents I’m wondering how this other child is doing, now? Have you been able to talk to her parents? If not, it is important to let them know that this happened and see how their daughter is doing. If she were to exhibit a pattern or cluster of these Warning Signs then this could indicate that she needs help and perhaps even professional support. If she was negatively impacted by this incident, they can turn to her pediatrician for support and potential referrals for an age-appropriate therapist. This may seem like a very difficult conversation but sharing how you've followed up with your son and how serious you're taking his behavior can help. And when parents can work together on children's safety and with a committment to keep working together to keep all children safe, then children are indeed more protected.
Continuing Talks about Healthy Sexuality and Development Moving forward, keep making sure he knows that it’s completely normal and healthy for him to be curious about his own and other people’s bodies, but it’s never okay to look at, touch or show his genitals to someone else – or for someone to do that to him, either. There are other ways he can satisfy his curiosity safely, and I hope you keep making sure he has resources to do so. If you’d like more ideas, our Healthy Sexual Development can connect you with resources. Think about keeping fresh age-appropriate books or websites at the ready. The website Amaze (link is external) is for slightly older children but has some videos which you may feel are appropriate for his age and stage. This video on consent (link is external) is a nice one, and this website on Kids Health (link is external) can also be helpful to watch together. He should know that safety and appropriate behavior – not punishment – are the goals. Keep encouraging him to come to you with any questions or concerns he may have.
Safety Planning Part of keeping your son safe and teaching him about appropriate behavior also involves working on a Family Safety Plan . Just like you have rules about when to go to bed and when homework must be finished by, it is also important to have rules about body boundaries, privacy and consent – a comprehensive set of rules that every adult and child follows no matter where they are. Safety planning also involves giving age-appropriate information about their own bodies, and their peer’s bodies too. It sounds like you already have a great plan in place and I’m certain that your son benefits from this greatly. As a child, he is still learning about consent, empathy, and appropriate behavior, so continue talking together. He needs the support, understanding and tools you're provideing to help him be resilient after mistakes and to make good decisions moving forward.
Some families have rules like: Adults and children have the doors open and keep their clothes on when playing. The places we cover with a bathing suit are private, and we always keep our hands to ourselves. Unless you need help in the bathroom from your parents, or if you are at the doctor’s office getting a physical exam, no one should touch or see your genitals but you. If someone is asking about your private parts, talking to you about theirs, or if anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, it is important to talk to a trusted adult. Surprises are okay because it’s a happy thing we tell someone about later, but we don’t keep secrets. Adults always ask children if they would like a hug, kiss, or high-five and they respect their answer. And whatever else you may want to tailor to your family’s needs. I’ve included some additional resources below.
Follow-up communication from this parent : Hello,
Thank you so much for your reply. I am so glad I reached out and your responses are full of great questions, resources, and thoughtful ideas.
The girl is doing well now but she was holding this information in until last week. When she finally approached her mom about what had happened, she was crying and in distress. She was trying to go to bed at night and after a couple of nights of coming out of her room crying, she finally told her mom about it. The mom came to me, told me what her daughter had told her which was only part of the story because she left out the touching part even aft
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