My Sister Licked My Vagina
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My Sister Licked My Vagina
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I stayed at my sister’s house recently, as I have done many times when my husband works away from home.
However, on this particular night, she was called into work at the hospital at short notice.
I went to bed early but got up to go to the bathroom.
As I passed her bedroom, the door was ajar and I heard moaning from inside where my brother-in-law was supposed to be sleeping.
I saw him through the crack in the door and, for some reason that I cannot fathom, I took a deep breath, opened the door and stood there watching him pleasure himself.
He got even more excited so then I dropped my dressing gown and joined him in the bed. We had fantastic sex and never said a word to each other.
Since then nothing has been mentioned about this by either of us – it’s as if it never happened – but I can’t stop thinking about him.
This is weird for me as I have never been the sort of person to take matters into my own hands before or do anything impulsive.
I’m also 50 now and have been through the menopause, so what’s happening to me?
Maybe it’s connected to going through the menopause in your 40s. You might have wanted to prove that you’re still a sexual being and attractive to men. However, it’s just terribly sad that you’ve chosen your sister’s husband to live out this fantasy with.
You’re also married yourself, so you’ve cheated on your own hubby as well as betrayed your sister.
I think you know in your own heart that if you have any chance of having a relationship with your sister in the future that you a) can’t revisit it b) you can’t stay the night at hers again and c) you can’t tell her what happened.
What’s worrying is that you can’t stop thinking of him. I’m not condoning what either of you did, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. This might be one of those times, if you can guarantee it won’t happen again.
If you come clean, she’ll either dump her husband and your relationship will never be the same, or she’ll stay and cut you out. If you stay quiet, you have to live with it. Only you can decide.
The chances are if you did stay at your sister’s and she was called into work, it would happen again and become a regular thing.
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The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke
More stories to check out before you go
I stayed at my sister’s house recently, as I have done many times when my husband works away from home.
However, on this particular night, she was called into work at the hospital at short notice.
I went to bed early but got up to go to the bathroom.
As I passed her bedroom, the door was ajar and I heard moaning from inside where my brother-in-law was supposed to be sleeping.
I saw him through the crack in the door and, for some reason that I cannot fathom, I took a deep breath, opened the door and stood there watching him pleasure himself.
He got even more excited so then I dropped my dressing gown and joined him in the bed. We had fantastic sex and never said a word to each other.
Since then nothing has been mentioned about this by either of us – it’s as if it never happened – but I can’t stop thinking about him.
This is weird for me as I have never been the sort of person to take matters into my own hands before or do anything impulsive.
I’m also 50 now and have been through the menopause, so what’s happening to me?
Maybe it’s connected to going through the menopause in your 40s. You might have wanted to prove that you’re still a sexual being and attractive to men. However, it’s just terribly sad that you’ve chosen your sister’s husband to live out this fantasy with.
You’re also married yourself, so you’ve cheated on your own hubby as well as betrayed your sister.
I think you know in your own heart that if you have any chance of having a relationship with your sister in the future that you a) can’t revisit it b) you can’t stay the night at hers again and c) you can’t tell her what happened.
What’s worrying is that you can’t stop thinking of him. I’m not condoning what either of you did, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. This might be one of those times, if you can guarantee it won’t happen again.
If you come clean, she’ll either dump her husband and your relationship will never be the same, or she’ll stay and cut you out. If you stay quiet, you have to live with it. Only you can decide.
The chances are if you did stay at your sister’s and she was called into work, it would happen again and become a regular thing.
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This mom's grateful reply after receiving our email response
My 6 year old daughter has been masturbating since she was a baby. Now that she is 6, she rarely has a problem with doing this in public, or around other people. She is doing it privately, and is sometimes conscious about it, but often seems to just do it without even thinking about it.
I don't feel comfortable with sleep overs regardless, but even leaving her home with a babysitter, or a grandparent, I feel like this sort of behavior is something I'd really rather not have happening....both for her sake and whomever happens to walk in on her. I've talked to her in the past about how it does feel good and that that is normal and ok, but that because of these sorts of scenarios, it is probably best to find other ways of self soothing and relaxing before she goes to bed.
I'm just not sure where to go from here and rather than grow out of it, it seems to becoming more and more of a locked in habitual practice. I don't want to give her some sort of complex about her relationship with her body or do something that will negatively effect her sexuality down the road, but I feel like continuing this behavior and having people find her doing this could be damaging and difficult to deal with as well. What should I do?
It certainly can be confusing and concerning when we think about children’s sexual behaviors and how to keep them feeling both safe and confident as they grow. I’m glad you’ve reached out to us.
What's Age-Appropriate As she has been doing this her whole life, please know that it is normal and age-appropriate for young children to touch their genitals and experience pleasure. This includes using objects to rub against. Masturbation is part of a child’s exploration of their body and how it works. And, these behaviors can stick around when a child prefers this method for self-soothing. You’ve noticed a pattern with your daughter, and you’re right that the “locked-in, habitual” aspect of this activity is concerning. There are so many avenues to try when teaching your daughter other ways to calm herself.
Checking-In with Professionals A good next step would be to schedule a visit with your daughter’s pediatrician. Whenever there is a developmental or behavioral concern involving your child it is a good idea to bring them to the doctor. Also, as this behavior can persist in other times of stress, or when there is an underlying physical concern, a doctor’s visit can rule out any medical condition (like a bladder or a urinary irritation).
Expected Behaviors Moving forward, it’s important to know a bit more about expected sexual behaviors and development for this age group. The article, Sexual Development and Behavior in Children (link is external) , from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network talks about some of the common sexual behaviors in childhood for School-Aged Children (ages 7-12) as: “A purposefully touching of private parts (masturbation), usually in private; Wanting more privacy (for example, not wanting to undress in front of other people); being reluctant to talk to adults about sexual issues”. It’s great that in the past you’ve talked to your daughter about how this behavior was totally okay, and as a private activity she needs to do it in her room or the bathroom. For now, start to knock on her bedroom door when she’s in there to see if it’s okay for you to come in. If you open up her door and this is what she’s doing, it’s important to close the door and give her some privacy.
Other Ways to Self-Soothe You’ve mentioned talking to her about finding other ways to calm down when she is tired, and that’s also great. Now, give her some alternative tension releasers. Ideas like counting sheep, reading a book, slowly swaying to soothing music, or even aromatherapy are all easeful pre-bed activities. You could even establish a “calm time” 10 minutes before bedtime where you do one of these soothing activities together. There is no need to talk about these activities as “alternatives” to masturbation with her, though---just frame these as tranquil, healthy ways to prepare for a good night’s rest. For another family’s story of introducing alternative tension release strategies into their child’s routine, see, Masturbation: Six Ways To Manage It (link is external) , from the parenting website Ask Dr. Sears.
Involving Caring Adults in Safety Planning Your concerns about a babysitter walking in on her are valid, and this is why it is essential to have a babysitter with whom you feel comfortable. Explain to the sitter that there a few ways your daughter prepares for sleep and this is one which comes up frequently. Talk about how in your family adults always knock on doors before entering, as this respects privacy and teaches children about appropriate boundaries. And, tell the babysitter to leave the room if this behavior begins while they are in it. If they do notice your daughter engaging in this behavior in a common space make sure they are confident in gently reminding her that this is a “private activity for her bedroom or the bathroom”, and encouraging her to take space or to change her behavior. This kind of conversation can be helpful with her grandparents if they are watching her as well. Making sure all caregivers are in communication with each other, and are able to communicate appropriate messages to your daughter about the value of privacy, is important.
Having clear, easy-to-follow family rules about consent, respect, and body boundaries, as well as privacy, are all a part of what we call Safety Planning . Other safety planning measures you can take could be giving her access to age-appropriate resources so she can learn about her body. You may want to know more about Why Healthy Sexuality Education is an Important Part of a Safety Plan , and how to talk to your daughter about it effectively. And, for further access to information and expertise take a look at our Healthy Sexual Development resource page.
Finally, if after trying these strategies nothing has changed, you may want to seek the advice of a professional. A therapist specializing in child sexual development and behaviors would be best suited to speak with you. They can give feedback around alternate strategies, help you with implementation, and can assist you in deciding whether your daughter may also benefit from an evaluation. A health insurance company, doctor, or local mental health agency are all places to seek an initial referral.
It’s great that you acknowledge how important it is to raise children with a healthy relationship to their bodies and their sexuality. Know that this love and care are key in keeping your daughter safe and healthy.
Thanks you so much for your thoughtful and thorough response, as well as for all of the rsources. We appreciate it so much!
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Was my cousin's behavior inappropriate?
Adult asking about cousin's sexual behaviors as a child
When my family moved closer to my cousin's family, my cousin (we were both 3) started taking me into closets and enticed me to play "doctor." This happened every time I saw him, which was fairly often and continued for several years. He would show me sexual material and teach me different sexual words and actions. He was always the one in control, touching me and asking me to touch him in specific ways. I've never talked about it because I feel like both of us were at fault and we were so young, but my sexuality is really messed up and so my therapist and I have been digging into what factors could have created this. I told one person (it's so shameful, I don't tell anyone) and that person blew it off "you were just kids playing." But the more I think about it and research it, I don't think it was so normal. I wasn't sexually curious (I didn't even understand anything sexual) when I wasn't with him and I never even thought about about doing this with another person. I am wondering if I am very guarded and uncomfortable when it came to my sexuality because my first sexual experiences had to be hidden (according to my cousin) and so I learned these acts were innately shameful and "bad." How can this happen when we were so young and the same age? That's what makes me write it off as purile and harmless. Besides, he was my cousin and I trusted him, so he never had to use force. Does that make it consensual?
I’m sorry to hear that you experienced this, and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to have revealed this to someone else previously and have them just brush it off. That was very brave of you to talk about your experience, and I’m glad that you have the support of a counselor right now. You should know that you can heal and get answers; I’m glad you’ve reached out to us.
Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors Understanding children’s behaviors is often difficult, and it may help to know that many other people reach out to us with similar questions. Typically, Age-Appropriate Sexual Behaviors occur between two children who are close in age and regular playmates and is mutual and very child-like. There is no knowledge of more mature sexual behavior, no use of force, threats, or coercion, and may even be done out in the open.
What you’re describing was both inappropriate and concerning. Although playing doctor can be developmentally expected at 3 years-old, what raises some red flags is your cousin’s use of coercion, showing you mature material, and that you say “he was always the one in control.” Although you both were the same age, this play doesn’t sound mutual and child-like. Also, this continued to happen for many years – and typically healthy sexual play is intermittent and spontaneous and doesn’t have that “obsessive” and ongoing element you describe.
Sometimes it can be helpful to debunk some myths associated with children’s sexual behaviors – including inappropriate, harmful, and even abusive ones – to help answer some of your other questions. First, it’s important to understand that children’s sexual behaviors are very different than those of adults. Similarly, the reasons why a child or teen may engage in inappropriate behavior can also be very different: sometimes a youth may act out harmful behaviors because they’ve been exposed to mature and adult-like sexual behaviors through pornography or because of their own sexual abuse, but there are yet many other factors in their life that can play a role (impulse control disorder, confusion about boundaries, misinformation, other trauma or stressor, disability, etc.). It sounds like your cousin may have been showing you mature material, so although I don’t want to point to a specific cause, this certainly could have influenced his behaviors. I’ve left some additional resources below on this very topic that you may be interested in.
I want to stress that this absolutely was not your fault, and you were not to blame. Children can never consent to any sexual activity, and though your cousin didn’t use force there were other elements that show that there was a difference in power, which made this play unable to be mutual.
You’re right that it’s likely since your cousin was very young himself he might not have understood his actions in the same way that you do now – from your adult perspective, and he might not have even intended to hurt you either. However, that doesn’t make the harm he caused any less real. Even if the intention wasn’t there and he didn’t understand what he was doing, that doesn’t make what happened okay, and it certainly doesn’t mean you are to blame. Children can and do engage in inappropriate and harmful behaviors with other kids, and you’re not alone in wondering all the complex ways this may have affected you.
Steps Towards Healing Again, I’m really glad to hear that you’re working with a counselor. This shame you describe, and the way that you feel like this has impacted your sexuality – these are both things that you can work on with your therapist. This may take time, but unraveling all of the intricate ways this has affected you can really help you start to reclaim your life and parts of yourself that you feel have been impacted by what happened in your childhood. I encourage you to continue to talk about this with your counselor, as you’re ready, as they can help you get any tools you need to recover.
Although you’re working with a therapist already, I’ve included some additional resources below just for survivors of abuse if you’re interested. I don’t want to label your experience – as it’s yours to define – but there are some online communities there that may be one more way for you to start to connect to other people who may have been through similar things. Again, please do what feels right for you.
Last edited on: November 13th, 2018
I really appreciate your response. I did not expect it to be that individualized and I know this organization is changing a lot of lives. Thank you for differentiating between “normal” and “abnormal” sexual activity in children, for the resources, for reminding me that it is not my fault even though I was little and didn’t say no, for encouraging me to define it myself and not putting me in a category, and for your encouragement. Thank you so much. Just being able to type that out was huge, so thank you for being there.
STOP IT NOW! IS A REGISTERED 501(C)(3) ORGANIZATION | EIN: 04-3150129
This organization is a gold-level GuideStar participant, demonstrating its commitment to transparency.
© 2021 STOP IT NOW!. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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