My Sister Fingered Me
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My Sister Fingered Me
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Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.
Forum rules
You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum . If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread . Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums. Thank you for your cooperation. The Mod Team
Let me preface this by saying that I have never told this to anyone else, and it is going to be very long. My girlfriend of 5 years, a child sex abuse survivor herself knows that I was abused but I have never told to what extent. Even with someone who I trust more than anyone in the entire time that I have been alive, I cannot commit myself to tell her. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the consequences. This is the first time that I will ever be even committing what happened to me to a physical medium. I have never told anyone else that I was sexually abused by my sister when I was a preteen and lasting almost until the end of junior high school. It started when I was around 10-12 I cant recall the exact age I was. It started as a game between my sister and I in which She would wrap a blanket around my face and kiss me through it. I had no idea when it began to become into something sexual. Eventually my sister would have me manually stimulate her breasts (I'm now a nursing student and I refuse to refer to anything except by its anatomical name for this post. )Eventually she began to have me stimulate her breasts using my mouth. This would last about 15 minutes at a time.No penetration ever occurred but I would become highly sexually aroused and would go and masturbate afterwards while fantasizing about her. After every session I would brush my teeth to symbolically clean myself I guess. I would brush my gums raw because once the masturbation related orgasm was achieved I would be overwhelmed by waves of guilt and disgust. I once became aroused to the point where I wanted to perform oral sex on her but I didnt like the taste. Now let me say that my sister was 9 years older than me, and after much reflection I believed that she knew what she was doing and it wasnt a case of siblings just exploring boundaries. The abuse lasted for I dont know how long, I remember being in church as a 6th grader asking god to forgive me for what I did with my sister. I knew it was wrong but I couldnt resist. I would get turned on when my sister would ask me to do things. She would call it "kiss time" and would ask me "Do you want to kiss?" I would say no but then these thoughts and fantasies would build up until I could resist. I dont remember much about those years other than the fact that I was so guilt ridden at the time. I would be walking on the street and I would yell at myself in my head. I'm not going to reveal my name but I would yell inside and tell my self that this was not the person I wanted to be. I would scream in my head saying "The "Iamanisland" that I want to be does not fool around with his sister. When my sister got a boyfriend and later got married the abuse stopped. I feel like I was used until she truly found someone else. I had no romantic feelings towards my sister and I knew what we did was wrong. When my sister moved out it was like I was starting life afresh. However, she got divorced and moved back in with us. I am now 21 and all those memories I tried to bury over the years constantly are in my head to the point where I cannot talk to my sister beyond a few words. A few weeks ago she yelled at me to take out the trash and I screamed at her to the point where I almost hit her. I havent said a word to her in weeks but there is this tension between us. I try to avoid her now as much as possible. Now for some backstory. I always blamed my parents for not being aware of what happened but they had their own problems to deal with. My father was addicted to opiates for more than 20 years. Also a nurse, he overdosed on high strength opiates like fentanyl no less than 3 separate occasions. All these occasions were in the hospital. As a kid, because my dad would constantly lose jobs to his drug habit, we werent well off. I dont know if its fair to blame my parents for the abuse especially my mother who was dealing with the fallout from my fathers addictions. My father has been clean for close to 7 years now after his last overdose in 2003. He has immersed himself in the Christian religion and became a born again Christian. My sister would also partake in church activities during the time this abuse happened. I wondered how she could be so duplicitous. While I believe in god, I have no faith in church or my familys church. I hated going to church because they would always say something along the lines of who ever is not worthy of communion cannot partake and I was excluded because of my age. While I would constantly ask god for forgiveness, the repeated abuse made me question if god was even real. While my father and mother are now deeply religious and still attend church I put no stock in their church or what they believe. Making things even more complicated is that i have an additional sibling also older than me, by seven years, I often wondered whether he experienced what i went through and I can never find a way to ask, or even bring it up. I dont even want to bring it up. Now we come to the last and for me the most important detail. When I first started going out with my girlfriend it took her 2 years to reveal what happened to her to me. For the first time I felt as if I found someone who would be able to understand what I went through. I lied to her and told her that I was abused by a woman that stayed in our house as a guest when all along it was my sister. Now I have lied often to my girlfriend about many things, but this hurts me the most. And she tells me what she treasures the most is me telling the truth. I try and try to be honest with her and I can truly say the last hurtful lie I told her was years ago. However even with me doing my best to be honest and open with her, I can never bring myself to tell her that what was done to me was done by my own sister. I am afraid she will see me as disgusting. I love her to death and we are getting married as soon as I finish school but I cant handle that I lied to her about something that she told me the truth about. My plan now is to leave my house asap after I graduate next year and cut off my entire family completely. I dont know what else to do because lately is when these memories have been popping up when I successfully kept them repressed for years. On a side note, we have in my household, 2 pet parrots that everyone loves. A crazy trigger for me is when my sister tells the birds "Give me a kissy" I also smoke marijuana everyday and while my parents know about my habit, they constantly ask "what has you so troubled that you have to smoke everyday". Its especially hard on my mother after seeing my fathers abuse of opiates for so many years. I know I will never be like my father, I refuse to let any needles touch my skin. I smoke weed because in my head, its not a drug, its a plant. However, after this year I know I will be drug tested and will need to stop if I plan to get a nursing job. My mother constantly prays for me over my marijuana habit and it kills me that I ant tell her. I think if I told her it would break her heart and at this point I'm willing to cause her pain over my marijuana habit to save her the pain of knowing one of her kids sexually abused the other. I dont know what made me write all this today, but its been building up for years now. This is the first time I even mentioned my sister and child abuse in the same sentence. Was it my fault for getting aroused? I am ashamed at myself for being sexually aroused and I have tried to push out the memories for years and they all just come back. Anonymity has finally given me a medium through which I can discuss this because I know I will never be able to discuss this face to face with anyone.
It was not your fault. Your sister was older so she takes the responsibility for what happened. You were just too young to fully understand what was going on. I know it is difficult, but you should definitely tell your girlfriend the truth. If she loves you, she will understand it. Just tell her about your feelings like you wrote it here. Good luck!
It's hard, but you have to let go of the guilt and shame. It will be hard to tell your girlfriend the truth, but she will understand. It's hard to talk about things when you are ashamed of them. I know first hand. You have search within yourself to do this. Even if you don't have a conversation with your sister, you should forgive her for your own sake.
You are not at fault. you were a child and she was the adult. It’s hard to look back with a mature mindset knowing what a kid did. I am in the same shoes as you, both being abused by my older sister and being forced to participate in same acts as you were. It has been a long and painful journey. Just this morning I called my girlfriend because I was having a panic attack. She calmed me down right away. I hope you get back to me because I would really like to talk to you about this seeing that we have similar stories. I have looked far and wide on the internet and I don’t find many other people who have been abused like this.
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So I'm 16 and a few years ago my brother would do....stuff to me at night when he thought I was sleep, and it kept going on because I didn't know what to do. He would make me give him handjobs and blowjobs and he would finger me and stuff. during the day he would put his hands in my shirt and play with my boobs...i didn't know how to tell him to stop so it kept going on. After a while I started to like it though and I would purposely tease him and stuff, and sit on his lap...just so he could play with my boobs I never wanted him to do the stuff he did to me during the night though...what do you make of this? I even developed feelings for him. After my other brother told me that he knew he was fingering me and he thought he was just gaging me to see if he could fit I kind of looked forward to it...Is this REALLY SUPER wrong?
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