My Roommate Is Tease
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My Roommate Is Tease
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Lu's roommate needs his help moving in, but little does he know that it's a favor with more than a few extra stings attached. Lu's roommate needs his help moving in, but little does he know that it's a favor with more than a few extra stings attached. Lu's roommate needs his help moving in, but little does he know that it's a favor with more than a few extra stings attached.
Valentina (as Alexandria Skaltsounis)
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Austin, TX
Brooklyn, NY
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Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
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Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
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Trending Topics
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Neuroscience
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted April 12, 2011
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Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
I tend to avoid people who favor barbed, teasing modes of interacting, even when I know they’re well-meaning. Not only do their teases feel hurtful, but I’m not good at the snappy come-backs that teasing seems to call for. I find myself smiling as a way to cover up my hurt feelings (not an unusual reaction— this is one of smiling’s primary functions ).
I'm probably on the thin-skinned end of the spectrum. But Gretchen Rubin over at the Happiness Project has uncovered fascinating new research that suggests that my feelings about teasing are pretty common: teasers tend to believe that their comments are less hurtful than the teasee thinks.
Here’s the research that she cites from David Dunning’s book, Self-Insight: Road Blocks and Detours on the Path to Knowing Thyself :
"People commonly tease each other, but it appears that people who are teased misunderstand the intentions of the person doing the teasing. Often, teasing is done in a spirit of affection and playfulness, and teasers attempt to convey these intentions through subtle nonverbal cues. However, those who are being teased tend to miss these benign aims. When they describe a time they teased their roommate, people tend to describe the action as more humorous and lighthearted than does the person being teased, who instead rates such incidents as more malicious and annoying. The good intentions of teasers are just not as obvious as teasers believe.” (Kruger, Gordon, Kuban) (page 129).
Gretchen also gives the example of a loving mother she knows who said to her daughter, “Hey, Messy Girl, are you planning to drag a brush through that rat’s nest on your head?” She knew the mother’s intentions were benign, but felt that she’d have been hurt if her mother said something like that to her.
This got me thinking about when teasing really is OK. For example, I sometimes call my 3-year-old “Buster.” It’s an affectionate nickname, and he knows it. “Call me Buster again!” he sometimes tells me. Now when his friends come over they ask if I can call them Buster too.
Maybe the question is whether there’s anything passive-aggressive going on under the tease. The Messy Girl’s mother was using teasing to get her daughter to be cleaner. Some people use teasing to establish dominance—when I was in college, I noticed that guys did this with each other all the time. They seemed to find these back-and-forths hilarious, even when they were on the receiving end of the tease. But now I wonder what they were really feeling. (Any college guys out there, current or former? What do you think?)
And what do you all think about teasing in general?
Susan Cain is the author of QUIET: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking and the co-founder of Quiet Revolution, a startup that aims to help businesses manage their introverted employees.
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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So You Saw Your Roommate's Penis Are you prepared for the awkward aftermath?
by Jake Christie | January 24, 2006
Points in Case is a daily literary humor publication featuring enlightening and irreverent comedy from seasoned writers and fresh voices, since 1999.
O ne of the first things college students give up when moving to campus is a large measure of their privacy. Standard dormitory doubles, triples, and even suites leave very little space to each resident. Most students adapt over the course of a few weeks; you and your new roommates quickly learn how to leave each other with enough space.
Eventually, though, no matter how many precautions you take, the unthinkable will happen. Your roommate will step out of bed one morning, and your eyes will just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It will happen almost in slow motion. He will throw up the blanket, toss one leg out of the bed, and inadvertently expose you to what we call, in strictly medical terms, his Floppy Nads.
Freeze frame. You've just entered what could be called an emergency situation. If you aren't careful, you will never be able to recover from the flaccid burn this image has made on the back of your retinas. Keep your head (so to speak), take a deep breath, and follow these simple steps for a quick recovery.
Your first instinct is going to be to leap out of bed, run to your window, and jump to your death. This is a bad choice of action. For one thing, if you don't have a window, you will run directly into the wall. For another, it will draw attention to the fact that you did, in fact, see your roommate's penis. By the same vein (no pun intended), any kind of noise you make is going to cause your roommate to look at you, instead of doing what you want him to do, which is remove his gonads from your field of vision. STAY CALM. Try to go back to sleep; in some cases it is possible to convince yourself that this was all just a horrible, horrible dream.
Confrontation may seem like a good idea—a proper way of “clearing the air.” Wrong. As awkward as the situation is for you, it will be far more awkward if you tell your roommate that you accidentally bought a full-frontal ticket to Danglytown. Imagine the next time you eat breakfast together…. You're sitting there, in silence. He's thinking, “Is he thinking about my penis?” You're thinking, “Does he think I'm thinking about his penis?” You bite into a plump breakfast sausage. The tension is palpable. Eventually, you drop out of school and get a job slinging novelty license plate frames in Reno. Yeah, telling him was a real smart move. Do yourself a pre-emptive favor and never bring it up, ever.
This may seem like a contradiction to the “don't panic” rule, but there is a difference between acting like seeing your roommate's penis is the end of the world, and acting like it is the coolest thing in the world. Don't make any jokes about it when his girlfriend is around (i.e. “So baby, do you want to see what it's like to be with a man who doesn't have an incredibly misshapen junkbag?”). Don't offer to pick him up a pack of “snug fit” condoms, the kind you “know he must have to use.” Don't CafePress a pin that says, “Ask me about my roommate's penis.” You know, just use common sense.
Don't give me that look of contempt, dude. I know it's the first thing you did. You whipped out the mental ruler faster than a schoolhouse teacher. Of course there's going to be a few comparisons, a few questions: Is it bigger than mine? Is it better looking than mine? Why doesn't it have that big thing on it like mine? You have to know that you will never be happy with the answers to these questions. It's best to clear it out of your head early and come to terms with the fact that, yeah, you saw your roommate's penis, but with any luck you can erase the (metaphorical) scars that it left.
Remember, prevention is the best medicine. Consider going to sleep with duct tape over your eyes. Suggest to your roommate that he start wearing a chastity belt, “For shits and giggles.” If all else fails, terminate your housing contract and move off campus. Look for an apartment that you can share with a bevy of attractive CO-EDs, or, at worst, a friendly eunuch. A little harsh? Maybe. More expensive than freshman housing? Probably. But can you really put a price on the peace of mind that comes with knowing that the only penis you have to worry about seeing is your own?
Jake Christie has a degree in Media Studies at the University of Southern Maine, if you're into that sort of thing. I've written stuff all over the place. I've written... See full profile »
My uncle always said, “Don’t be the hero.” So I didn’t pull the fire alarm.
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