My Mind Is Full Of Fuck
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My Mind Is Full Of Fuck
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My Brain is Full of Fuck is a catchphrase that is often used in response images, which shows a character with his/her hands wrapped around head, as if struggling with a severe migraine. The images are mostly used in response to a post or thread that is deemed unworthy or pointless, signifying that one’s brain has been severely affected by the stupidity he or she has been exposed to. Also see: Facepalm.
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I found my exes blog today. We haven’t spoken in years, I’ve moved on, built a successful relationship, had a son and just in general put all that behind me. I saw her yesterday and someone asked me about her today, I was bored at work…whoops.
You know that jar of hearts song? The verse about having to live half a life? That’s where I was when we split because we were best friends, and at least in my mind as close as any 2 people could have been. Things ended poorly and there were hard feelings mostly on my part and I said some truly nasty things on the way out but they paled in comparison to some of the things she did. Regardless I thought there would always be good will and fond memories of some sort there… but what I read today totally fucking blew my mind.
I found out that I was abusive, abusive!? Fuck that. Not a chance and actually, it’s slightly worse because I was marginalized as just being the worst in a string of abusive men in her life. I damaged her and apparently everything she told me during our time together, was in hind sight, completely wrong. I wasn’t sweet and supportive or loving, I was just a manipulative asshole. In one post she decried the fact that she never had anyone support her unconditionally and tell her it was ok to be an individual and in another she praised me for having helped her do exactly that, before she then proceeded to say that I hated her for doing so. WTF?! How could we both have lived together but been in 2 so completely different realities.
I romanticized my role in her life, I thought of myself as the Alvy Singer to her Annie Hall and on some level that pleased me. Guess not and it just goes to show that you can’t look back, can’t go back, it does no good.
I’m going to remember her as my best friend, someone I still love and consider family. I will remember the day she laid her head on my lap while we sat on a park bench in central park at dusk, I will remember the connection that I felt regardless of whether or not it was reciprocated.
One second thought, fuck her. She was a sociopath, shockingly deluded and a shitty human being.
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