My Mature Widow Love

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I thought I was done with sex, until dating helped me rediscover the joy of life.
Terry McMillan Explains Why Middle-Aged Women Still Need Sex
My current boyfriend was shocked when, after we first made love, I told him that all I wanted in a relationship (at the time) was a "friends with benefits" situation. It had been a year and eight months since my husband had died; my sex drive had recovered, but my heart was still hibernating.
I'd been my husband George's caregiver as he'd succumbed to cancer. Sex hadn't been a part of my life for a long time. I was too worried about him to think of much else. I felt like I had no sexuality.
After he died in 2013, I figured I was done with sex. He'd been my high school sweetheart, my first and only. If you'd asked me then, I would have said that I'm fifty, I have 32 years of memories, I'm not interested in sex. It's for other people. I thought I might get a cat, once I was ready to take care of anything again.
What I got instead was an unlikely best friend who'd helped me look after George. My friend was a movie buff, belonging to several film societies. He started asking me to movie screenings. He'd stop by my house some evenings "to avoid rush hour." A few months after George's death, things between us became physical.
If you'd asked me then, I would have said I'm not interested in sex.
My brain was still deep in mourning, but other parts of me were in overdrive, reminding me that I was still alive, healthy and up for fun. When I told one of my girlfriends about my new sex life, she said, "Good for you for getting back on the horse!"
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Another friend said something I took to heart: that as women, we can claim our pleasure without shame, that our sexuality is a gift to be proud of. The idea that we "should" only have sex within the context of a serious relationship was an antiquated judgment to be disregarded. And I agree, despite being raised conservatively by a widowed father who taught me that nice girls say "no."
I eventually ended things with my friend. He wanted an exclusive relationship and I didn't.
Fourteen months after George died, I decided I was ready to date. My brain wanted a relationship that was emotionally fulfilling with the potential to be long-lasting. I would be a "good girl" again, finding someone I loved and who loved me back, getting into a proper relationship, and having sex only after an appropriate amount of time.
I missed my husband desperately. (I still do.) But, I realized that whatever I did couldn't affect him. He was gone. I owed it to myself and to him to be healthy and careful, but my private life was up to me. I became more open and much less judgy.
I went online. It was fun dating a few guys at once. I did what I felt like regardless of any potential for a relationship. I told the men I dated, "I was with my husband since my high school prom; these are my college years now." I did the experimenting I hadn't done in my twenties. For the first time since I was 17, I was single. I was just going through my single years later than most people do.
For the first time since I was 17, I was single. I decided to do the experimenting I hadn't done in my twenties.
Even my dad was glad I was dating and having fun. He started giving me dating advice. His opinions on sex apparently varied greatly when speaking to a 50-year-old widow as opposed to his teenaged daughter. But when he jokingly suggested I buy new lingerie, I told him that was too much!
In November 2015, I started dating my current boyfriend. I was still seeing a few other guys, too, but I had started to feel different: I wanted to feel strongly about the person I was with. I was tired of having experiences for their own sake. Within a week I'd stopped dating anyone but my boyfriend. Now we've been together 15 months.
My reawakening since my husband died really surprised me. I went from expecting to be done with sex, to having an intense physical relationship, to experimenting in a way I never had when I was younger, and finally, to being with someone I love. But more importantly, rediscovering my sexuality helped me to be open to enjoying life again, and to look at new things with curiosity instead of judgment.
Debbie Weiss I am writing a memoir and anti-advice manual on widowhood.
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You can google just about anything and find an answer. However, “pursuing your best friend’s widow” is a search that probably will not yield many answers. Questions such as “Is it okay to feel this way? Is she going to think I’m crazy? Will this hurt people?” are what you wrestle with when you realize you are falling in love with the wife of a dear friend you lost.
Jordan died on March 20, 2014. I have never known a man so brave. He wrestled through his second battle of cancer alongside his wife, Cady, for 9 months. If you have not read their story, you can here. Getting the phone call that Jordan was gone still seems surreal to me. Doing life without him here on this earth is incredibly difficult- even to this day.
When Jordan and Cady were married, I did not have the chance to know Cady as well as I knew Jordan. I knew that she seemed like the woman for him from day one, and I was so thankful that such a strong and godly woman was marrying one of my closest friends. Cady came to visit my parents’ home on July 20th, Jordan’s first birthday after he left this earth to be with Jesus. One of her closest friends arranged the trip as a getaway for her. I happened to be staying there before I moved to Minneapolis for seminary. My family prayed that she would be ministered to during her time on the trip. Well, if you know Cady (or have followed her story), you know that she actually ended up doing the ministering to our family. She got out of the car with a massive suitcase to give clothes to me, as a way to honor husband’s close friend. Looking back, this is a visual of who Cady is- no matter what season of life she is in she looks for ways to give and serve others.
That weekend, a new type of friendship started between Cady and me. I found that I wanted to be around her often. I perceived this desire to be around her at that time as a deep care and respect for this amazing widow.
Not to be sappy, but I experienced what can only be described as a kind of “love at first sight” that weekend. Oh, it wasn’t at first literal sight. It was immediate love when I saw her with new eyes.
My Dad, as he likes to do, was giving us a tour of the Charleston area on his boat. I was talking to Cady, and she began to ask me questions that related to theology and my life aspirations with a certain intentionality that impressed me.
When I looked at her, it was as if a veil was lifted off of my eyes to change how I saw Cady. My view of her shifted from my friend’s wife to a woman I could have feelings for…. and it was scary. Scary in that I had no idea if anyone- including her- would be okay with me having those feelings. In all honesty, I wasn’t even sure if I was okay with having these feelings. But when I saw her in this new light, it was love at first sight for me.
I knew at that moment that I would wait as long as it took to pursue this beautiful woman. I finally understood the kind of fondness Jacob had for Rachel, who worked for his uncle for 14 years to have Rachel as his bride. I understood how it did not even feel that long for him because she was worth it (Gen. 29:15–30).
After her trip to Charleston, we stayed in touch. We texted often and enjoyed a wonderful friendship with one another. I spent countless hours in prayer the first month after her trip. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about how I felt.
One month later, I talked to my parents about my feelings for Cady. They encouraged me and actually affirmed that they had seen God’s hand in our interactions that weekend she was staying with us (thank the Lord for wise and good parents). I then began communicating to my accountability partners and mentors from seminary about my processing and prayers about Cady. Finally, I let some of my (and Jordan’s) close friends in on my process.
I came to terms relatively quickly about my feelings. The biggest aspect I had to accept is that this pursuit would honor Jordan. Deuteronomy 25:5 instructs a single man to marry his own brother’s wife should she be widowed. While this situation did not exactly line up with that law and Christians are not technically under that law anymore, the practical wisdom of this precept stood out to me. When you both know and love the one who has passed away, it is something you share in your relationship. I do not know how I could have walked through this season without knowing Jordan. Cady and I get the chance to reminisce about this amazing man, and when Jordan is discussed at family gatherings I have the opportunity to not only appreciate the memories of him, but also contribute.
After several months of growing in our friendship and seeking counsel of wise men and women in my life, I decided that our “friendship” had gotten to the point where we needed to address what was happening. I realized this conversation was necessary after after a phone call that lasted late and was more than a few hours. (Dudes, if you have a “friendship” like this, it is time to address it.) We just happened to be in the same town several months later for a friend’s wedding. I was beyond nervous to talk to her about my feelings. I had no idea how she would react. Would she think I was crazy? Was I majorly off and simply misinterpreting the development of our relationship? Nevertheless, we went to breakfast the next morning, and I told her how I felt.
She was beyond gracious. I did not use the “L” word (and would not for about 5–6 months for wisdom’s sake). But I told her that I had developed strong feelings for her. I told her that I knew the timing was not good, but I wanted to address what was happening between us. I also asked her for permission to move forward in our friendship knowing how I felt. I told her I would wait for as long as it took. My primary concern was that she could continue the healing process with as much time and space as she needed. She told me she thought I was the right fit for her, but she would need time. She encouraged me in our relationship, and she too was excited to grow in our intentional friendship. I told her that Jordan would always be a part of our lives. We would celebrate him together and tell his story together. She bravely agreed to begin this journey with me, and she has been incredible. Never has a woman so gracefully navigated such a difficult situation. She has so carefully appreciated her and Jordan’s marriage, and not let that keep her from having a new relationship with me.
Now we are in a place where we are public (obviously) about our relationship. We are excited to continue our journey together, and are thankful to share this part of our lives with the entire community around us.
MDiv Student at Bethlehem College and Seminary in Minneapolis, MN. Currently working in youth ministry. From Clemson, SC.
I love this! Thanks for sharing this story and allowing others to celebrate with and pray for you guys!
I really enjoyed this Jon. As I was reading you process, I couldn’t help but think of Jesus as my groom who died, (yet rose again in spirit). Although my first love, I cannot hold him nor see him as I would if he were still physically alive.This process is not just for one who is widowed, but for women who have not met their earthly husbands and await to see their heavenly husband face-to-face. Thank you for this.
Love you both dearly. You have handled this situation so honorably. Thank you for loving our Cady-girl. We are cheering for you and praying for you!!
#Kinsmanredeemer
I thought of Ruth and Boaz, actually. It wasn’t just Boaz covering/honoring his household by marrying his relative (and I guess in this sense, this is of spiritual lineage), but it was the family and community seeing the beauty in the connection.
I’ve often wondered how the Lord would continue to write Cady’s love story (I think it’s an #ORUAlum thing), and I not only commend you for seeking the Father and your elders for wisdom, but for covering her and carrying out Jordan’s legacy in the process.
Wow. Just wow. I know Lynnette from being a part of Grace Church in Chapel Hill (our pastors are friends and she has spoken to our women’s ministry) and prayed with everyone for Jordan & Cady as he was making his journey home. But for some reason, what was always on my heart was that the Lord would bring Cady just the right man to comfort her, be her strength, and bring her joy in this next season of life. I had tears in my eyes reading this today. Blessings on you both!
Jesus and Jordan are smiling down on you too!! Praise God!
This whole story is incredible. Your testimony speaks volumes about the goodness of God. Glad to see you’re doing well, John.
Precious sweet story- Thank you for sharing! I, too, prayed for those two during that journey. I am beyond grateful for God’s plan for both of you. And what a beautiful couple you make. God continues to heal everyone’s heart. Beyond Happy for both of you.
Thank you for sharing your story! I happened upon Jordan and Cady’s story around the time of the Lewis’s adoption and have followed their/her story through the blog and Instagram sunce. It was cool to hear how God orchestrated your relationship with one another. An encouragement for sure.
Hi Jon! I’m the lady who dropped off that incredibly rich cake the other night and gave you a hug! I am so excited for you both! What a beautiful story that gives God all of the glory! Hallelujah!
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