My Life Without A Cock

My Life Without A Cock
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Life Without Dick is a direct-to-video 2002 American black comedy film written and directed by Bix Skahill. The film focuses on the relationship that develops between an incompetent hitman and a woman who accidentally kills her boyfriend when she discovers he's leaving her for another woman.

Colleen Gibson doesn't realize live-in boyfriend Dick Rasmusson, a third-rate private detective , has been cheating on her until phony psychic Madame Hugonaut inadvertently provides accurate details about his most recent indiscretion. When Colleen confronts him with what she believes is an empty gun, she shoots and kills Dick, who had loaded the firearm without her knowledge.

Enter Daniel Gallagher, an Irish mobster whose desire to be a crooner was dampened by his ex-girlfriend Mary when she laughed at his singing. Daniel has managed not to kill anyone in his short career as a hit man, so when he discovers Colleen has killed Dick, who was next on his hit list, he's happy to take the credit and tell his boss and brother-in-law Jared O'Reilly that he finally completed an assignment. Unfortunately, Jared starts giving him a lot more assignments, and Daniel enlists Colleen to do his dirty work for him.

Complicating matters are Daniel's sister Ivy, who would like to see her husband dead; two bumbling detectives investigating Dick's murder; and the reappearance of Mary and her new boyfriend, mumbling Tony Moretti.

This article about a crime comedy film is a stub . You can help Wikipedia by expanding it .

By:

Anonymous

Evan V. Symon

May 31, 2015

Which Dean outfit should you wear to the Community movie premiere?
No way! Fried chicken and bread are finally together??
It made David Lynch's version look like Star Wars.
There are a number of things that your stereotypical male never wants to hear over the course of his life, like "We're out of beer," "Your wife saw you," or "That 1975 Camaro you bought in high school is finally beyond repair." But none of those even come close to the horror of hearing a doctor diagnose cancer of the penis. Well, in 2009, that is exactly what happened to Alex Duke. The good news was that doctors caught it early enough to prevent the cancer from spreading throughout his body. The bad news was that it was advanced enough that there was only one option: cutting the poor member off.
Alex woke up from the surgery without cancer, but also without a penis. We sat down with him to ask about losing an enormous (metaphorically) part of his body, and he told us ...
As soon as I left the hospital (sans penis), I had hoped that my life would go back to normal, but six years later, I can say that it never did. In fact, within a few months of the surgery, everyone was telling me that I was pretty much an entirely different person. All of the changes to my personality can be traced back to my penectomy (isn't that just the worst word?), which looks like this:
Before the surgery I was talkative, confident, and really social. Afterwards? I felt like a second-rate member of society. People who get their penis removed deal with psychological trauma for years afterwards, and the fact that you can't get it back (more on that in a bit) only makes it worse. A lot of men have penis envy that revolves around being a size too small, but nobody tells you how to deal with Size Zero.
It got to the point where my low self-esteem began to affect the quality of my work, even though my job didn't involve using my dick in any way. It didn't matter -- I was suddenly the guy in the office who didn't talk to anyone, because I felt like a) no woman would want to talk to me, and b) that every man was "more of a man" than I was. Only when it's gone do you realize that from a very young age, males take an approach to life that boils down to, "Everything's going to be fine; I've got this penis here."
And then there was constantly dealing with how people find out, reliving that moment every time. Once, during a physical, the doctor was about to check me for a hernia (the "turn your head and cough" test). He had to double-check his charts -- he'd accidentally marked me down as a woman at the beginning of the physical (despite my beard and distinct lack of boobs). Finally, he saw my testicles and fixed the whole thing, even apologizing for thinking I was transgender.
It's probably hilarious if it happens in an Adam Sandler movie; not so much when it's screwing up your medical records.
If you're a guy, you may or may not think too much about how your smaller head affects a lot of your day-to-day, non-sexual activities. After a penectomy, everyday tasks can have the potential to get way messier.
First off, you have to learn to pee all over again. Each penectomy is unique, due to where the penis is snipped off (I cringe just writing that), so there is no standard way to pee -- you have to experiment, and have towels handy. The male urethra is angled to go out in front, but with no penis, suddenly you've got a spray that's more like what you'd get from a busted water line. Urinals are no longer an option, unless you're practically dry-humping them. Sitting down is also rough, since with only the stub left, pee flies out at an angle that somehow manages to hit the back of the toilet. Eventually, I figured out a way by kneeling down at the right angle to pee "normally" into a standard toilet.
Even that isn't ideal, however. I had to talk to a manager at a restaurant once because from an employee's view of the stall, it looked like there was some sort of bizarrely quiet sex happening in there. Oddly enough, nobody ever doubts your claims of having no penis. When I asked that manager why he believed me so quickly, all he could say was, "I can't think of a reason you'd make that up."
It's not only urination, either. Sometimes showers become painful if the water gets too hot, because my netherworld is now very sensitive. After the surgery, I began using a partially unrolled condom to protect myself -- not from STDs, but from the stupid shower (I was able to stop after about six months).
Even dressing myself has become an issue. Thanks to the sensitivity of the stub, I have to wear pants that both a) give me enough room in the crotch and b) won't fall down. Tightness can also cause blood to rush to places I don't want it to, which leads us to how ...
With a quarter-inch stem, I can still get erect and ejaculate, but due to the amputation, the lack of extra skin makes boners painful. And since I do have a wife, sex is still important. Not having sex would be unfair to her, and since we're monogamous, we decided against a sex surrogate. So we ended up doing couples shopping at a lesbian-oriented sex shop.
Those types of shops had the best range of artificial cocks, and the saleswoman noted how unusual it was to see men in there. After striking up a conversation as to which fake dicks worked best, she suggested a strap-on. The trick would be finding a way to get it on there so that I could both control the thing and not feel a lot of discomfort.
The lesbian sex shop employee actually gave me more help than my doctors did with this. After a fitting session in one of the back rooms, we found the solution: a strap-on that would center on top of the pubic bone, close to the belly button.
It's really sacrificing one type of pain for the other, but it's worth it for my wife. Thrusting is different when your temporary penis is three to four inches above where it's supposed to be, and it causes me some back pain. But in the long run, it's better than a sore dick, and it helps my marriage.
A phantom limb is a condition in which someone who is missing a limb continues to feel it hanging around as if it were attached to the body. A lot of amputees will admit to feeling pain in the non-existent appendage. It turns out that my ex-penis has the same problem. Sometimes, it's something as simple as going to pee at a urinal, grabbing at air where my penis used to be, and sighing. Other times, it feels like it is there, but with a tingling sensation not unlike the feeling of your foot falling asleep.
But most often, I swear it's like it's still there because of the sharp pain.
One arm amputee I talked to prior to the surgery said his missing arm felt like it was constantly broken. I remember scoffing at the idea, but shortly after surgery, I woke up feeling like my penis had been tied up like a balloon animal. I went to the bathroom, looked down, and felt a painful throbbing in an area where there was to be no more throbbing, good or bad, ever again.
This happened a lot, but like most people who suffer from phantom limb, it gets better with time. The painful bursts still happen, but thankfully only a few times per year. Unfortunately, the "phantom" pain only gives way to real, actual pain, which is why ...
Well, not condom-style protection. Ever notice how people will say "punched in the dick" and "punched in the balls" interchangeably? We probably shouldn't do that. Being punched in the penis is a whole other ballgame (excuse the pun) from being punched in the testicles.
See, there's a bit of an evolutionary logic behind the positioning of our penis. Getting punched in the penis hurts somewhat less than getting punched in the balls, so having it lay on top of the testes provides a measure of protection -- a measure that I no longer have. Some men choose to put in a prosthetic to serve that purpose, but again, because my quarter-inch stub is super sensitive (and not in a good way), I can't use a prosthetic without a lot of discomfort.
When I visited the doctor about this, he said that the best option was a jockstrap and a protective cup like the ones athletes use. Ask any baseball player -- that little sonovabitch is going to chafe. And they don't have to wear one all day, every day.
I was effectively left with three shitty options: I could deal with semi-regular jock itch from the cup, I could wear the prosthetic and be uncomfortable all the time, or I could take the huge risk of testicular damage and not wear anything. I chose the cup, which also makes pants shopping even harder, unless my goal is to draw attention to my crotch (and it's not). Maybe codpieces will come back in style soon?
I'll be blunt here. Once the penis is gone, it's never going to come back. If you accidentally cut it off while making sushi in the nude, you have about 24 hours to get it stitched back on. But my kind of cancer made that impossible. If there is any cancer left hiding like a ninja in my nether-regions, it can spread to any new tissue that would get sewn in down there.
Penis transplants aren't an option, either. Even if I got the guarantee that I was cancer-free, there's only been one successful penis transplant ever, and it's still in the experimental phase. As any amputee will tell you, prosthetics are nowhere near the same thing, and I couldn't wear one anyway. Modern medicine doesn't like to get into penis-related things (especially replacements), the lone exception being helping old dudes get erect.
Phalloplasty is an option, but it's stupidly expensive, I'd need to disfigure another part of my body in order to get the necessary skin and tissue, and it would be just be an odd lump. Even if I got one, I wouldn't be able to feel anything due to the lack of nerves, and cancer could still wreck the thing.
So I had to make the choice between my dick and my life. It's not the best situation, but it did force me to realize that life is about more than boners, so there's that.
We've got your morning reading covered.
That yammering guy at the bus station could've used this bad.
Bugs Bunny's Internet alter ego joins the battle!
You might have been edgy in high school, but you’ve got nothing on Mary Shelley.
"A Star is Burns" is a portal between 1995 and our times.
It's amazing how many greats started their careers doing smut.
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Idk man, I've gone my entire life without dick
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Dude spent his entire life so far not knowing that lesbians exist.
Well duh, lesbians only exist in porn
Or asexual women. Or pregnant/recently gave birth. Or women who don't have sex with people they aren't dating.
Lots of women go months or even years without having sex with another person because they have no interest, have physical issues, or just haven't met someone in a while that they want to actually have sex with.
Im WOrkiNg On gETTinG Rid Of iT, GIve mE A MinuTe
Turns out, there are a lot of Ferengi on the internet.
Some sidestep the issue entirely. Just because they're getting dick, it doesn't follow that there's a man involved. Dildos, strap-ons, and trans women all exist, after all.
I cannot agree more - the post completely evades any of the intricacies involved in sex.
Umm??? What the hell is going on with her thong in this pic?!
Her ass looks like two beach balls i can't handle this.
Maybe if the artist understood women's anatomy a little better... Well it would solve two problems is what I'm saying.
The artistic tradition of not bothering to learn anything about female anatomy (unfortunately) goes back centuries. A lot of Renaissance and Baroque artists who sculpted and/or painted nude women were working from male models. There’s this long period of time where paintings of women look like oddly proportioned, chubby men with weirdly spherical breasts that defy gravity. If you want a good cackle at a man not knowing anything about female anatomy, google the paintings by Peter Paul Rubens. “The Three Graces” features a woman sporting the most horrendous wedgie that I have ever seen—and it’s not even the only painting he did featuring either a front or back wedgie with some sort of sheer fabric.
I've had dick every day of my life...
Trying to get rid of it tho lmao 😎😎😎😎
The whole myth that a woman can just wink at someone and immediately have sex is just as bothersome as the one that implies the height of sexual experience for a woman involves a penis and/or man.
NO female? So we’re taking like, infants? NO FEMALE BABY EVEN LEARNS TO CRAWL WITHOUT GETTING SOME DICK like wtf????
It already doesn’t make sense, but it would make a little more sense if they said woman instead of female.
do they also not go 3 months without dick??????????????
I’ve gone 16 years without dick...? Never have and never will.

By Esquire Editors Published: Oct 21, 2015
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Every product was carefully curated by an Esquire editor. We may earn a commission from these links.
Beyond the oft-reported effects of urinary incontinence and impotence following surgery, there are a number of less widely known possible side effects of prostate removal.
Fun fact number one: Half of all men who die in this country this year will be killed by heart disease, stroke, or cancer. Fun fact number two: Half of all doctors seem to have different ideas about how to prevent the biggest killers of men. We spoke to the best of them, and we've simplified, clarified, and prioritized their advice on minimizing the risks of dying before your time. For more tips, click here . Reporting by Sarah Z. Wexler.
As more men deemed to be at genetic risk of prostate cancer opt to have the organ removed preemptively , lesser-known side-effects of the procedure are coming to the fore. In addition to the oft-reported effects of urinary incontinence and impotence following surgery, here are some symptoms more rarely accounted for:
Shrunken penises . As many men are prescribed antiandrogen (hormone) treatments to block testosterone effects on advanced prostate-cancer tissue, Dr. Celestia Higano of the University of Washington reports that up to 68 percent of men experience penile shortening after radical prostatectomy surgery.
"Dry orgasm" —or, rather, orgasm without ejaculation, which occurs after surgery when retrograde ejaculation sends semen back into the bladder instead of out the penis.
Depression , which often follows drastic hormonal treatments or surgery, especially when the surgery targets the sex organs with resultant effects upon sex partners.
This article originally appeared in Esquire 's November issue.
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Why This Man Removed His Healthy Prostate
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The Case for Eating Less and Living Longer
6 Supplements to Combat Man's Leading Causes of Death
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The Best Amazon Prime Day Fitness Deals
Every product was carefully curated by an Esquire editor. We may earn a commission from these links.
©Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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