My Husband's Best Friend August Taylor

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My Husband's Best Friend August Taylor
January 24, 2022, 3:00 PM · 4 min read
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Question: "My husband’s best friend has been living with him since we started dating. I moved in right after we got engaged, and a few months later we moved into our current apartment together. However, his best friend moved in too. At the time it was not an issue because we needed help with the rent, but after our wedding my husband got a job that can easily support the two of us, and I have a pretty decent paying job. His best friend told us that he would be moved out by the time we got married. But here we are almost a year and a half later, and he still lives with us.
He has plenty of places he could go and a job where he could afford his own place, but he hasn’t moved out or even attempted to move out. I’ve talked to my husband about it, and his stance is that his best friend isn’t in the mental state to be on his own and that it also threatens his job security. I’m not one to judge someone’s mental issues, but I’ve known him for years now, and I feel like most of what he does is for attention. I know he truly does struggle with depression, but he has plenty of other close friends willing to let him move in.
My husband is always feeding his need for attention and giving him anything he asks for. It has caused issues in our relationship because he will drop anything and everything to be with his best friend if he so much as lets out a sigh. I love and appreciate him for always being there for someone he is close to, but I really feel like he is just enabling him and making his dependency issues even worse. I love them both, and I don’t want to cause any issues, but all I really want is for him to move out. He’s even had the chance to move in with our other friend who lives next door. I just want a little space and privacy. Am I wrong for wanting him to move out so I can have a home for just me and my husband?"
Answer: You’re not wrong for wanting him to move out. You're a married couple trying to start a life together. Whatever you and your husband's plans are – kids, fur babies, traveling, remodeling, etc. – I’m sure it’s hard to imagine his best friend third-wheeling through all of it. Now, for my take on the real issue here:
While it may be easy to blame his best friend for your current dilemma, I think it rests solely on your husband. When I began reading I initially thought, ‘OK let’s address communication; Define the issue clearly, ensure he understands what you’re asking for, and let him have a conversation with his friend to enact this change.’ However, it’s clear that this is something you’ve already tried. To me, it sounds like your husband has lost sight of, or may not have ever known, what it entails to be a partner in a marriage.
Marriage can be difficult, and while I’m not quite there myself, I have had amazing examples in my life to look up to. The common denominator that I see in these strong relationships is that spouses prioritize, support and ensure each others needs are being met before others (ex: family, friends, etc.). Your husband is currently not doing this, and I’ll ask you the question: Has he ever? He has allowed his friend to continue living with you, interrupt your activities and make you feel like you don’t come first? You mention that your husband is enabling his codependency, but it’s almost as if your husband is codependent on him as well. The excuses he’s provided (that it will affect his friend's job or mental health) seem like a cop out to me at this point.
I’m not the biggest fan of ultimatums, but I would encourage you to have an additional conversation in which you really stress the need for his friend to move out. It sounds like this is taking a negative toll on your relationship, and if your husband isn’t motivated by that, you may need to come to a decision on how you want to proceed on your own. I would also recommend couples therapy, as it may be able to help analyze patterns that lead to conflict, improve communication and establish more accountability. It also allows for a neutral person to act as a mediator and facilitate questions that may prompt insight into how this behavior isn’t the best for the longevity of your marriage, which may be just what your husband needs.
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here . You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
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Like most aspects of marriage, friendship doesn't just happen. You have to work at it. Here's how.
In fact, putting the expectations of best friends, steamy lovers, and perfect co-parents all in one relationship can end up hurting your marriage by making it seem subpar.
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Endless romance. Hot sex. Being best-best-best-best friends. These are just some of the idealistic hopes we pile onto marriage. There are good motivations behind each of these hopes, but . . .
Though it is a wonderful thing to be your husband's best friend, I actually don't think that is necessary for a great marriage. In fact, putting the expectations of best friends, steamy lovers, and perfect co-parents all in one relationship can end up hurting your marriage by making it seem subpar.
While being your husband's best friend may be unrealistic, being his friend is a critical aspect of a healthy marriage. Like most aspects of marriage, friendship doesn't just happen. You have to work at it. Think about the friends you had in college. As much as you may have loved and enjoyed them, you've probably lost touch over the years. Your lives have drifted apart. Even though you live under the same roof, this can happen in marriage too. You and your husband can forget to have fun, develop separate hobbies and passions, and lose the art of enjoying each other's company. You can slowly start to exist as roommates.
So how can you prevent the friendship-fade in marriage? Here are three tips for nurturing a friendship with your husband throughout the decades of marriage:
1. Just do something. When it comes to friendship, men tend to like to do life together while women prefer to process life together. For you, building a friendship may mean weekly coffee dates where you share your thoughts and feelings with your husband. You connect by talking. Most likely, your husband isn't wired this way. He feels connected with you by doing life with you. Guys don't usually meet at Starbucks to share thoughts and feelings. They golf, bowl, or work on a project together.
While there may be times for a "talking date," make the effort to become your husband's friend by sharing in what he likes to do. Watching a movie, running on side-by-side treadmills at the gym, or going to Home Depot may not seem very romantic. But even if you aren't talking, this may be how your husband shares friendship with you. As you spend time doing life with your husband, times to talk become a natural part of shared activity. This morning, my husband and I did a 5 A.M. swim class together. Not exactly my cup of tea, but it made his day. As I was swimming my laps, I'd hear him yell across the pool, "I love you! You're doing great, Juli!" After our swim, we went out for coffee, which made my day. (Now if I can just stay awake!)
2. Build a bucket list. Managing a household and family together can get boring. Your discussions can revolve around the budget, disciplining the kids, the backed-up septic tank, and carpool schedules. I've been there! There have been seasons of marriage in which Mike and I simply forgot to be friends. Then we created our marriage bucket list.
Together, we came up with 100 things we wanted to do throughout our lifetime. Some of them were extravagant, like traveling to Rome and Paris. Others were immediately "doable," like going on an adventure race or leaving an exorbitant tip for someone who served us dinner. Some of our goals were also spiritually-focused, like service projects or meeting great men and women of the faith. Over the years we have completed almost half of the things we dreamed of doing together. And we are still adding new items to the list.
A big part of keeping friendship alive is dreaming together. Marriage only has as much passion as you put into it. Many marriages die because the relationship is viewed as a roadblock to dreams. Sure, your spouse may not share your exact interests, but any couple can find common ground if they really look for it.
3. Don't listen to your feelings. That might sound like very strange advice coming from a psychologist! Don't get me wrong. Your feelings are important indicators of what is going on in your marriage. However, your feelings should always be viewed as "diagnostic" rather than "prescriptive." In other words, let your feelings inform you, but not direct you.
There will be seasons of marriage in which you just don't feel close to your husband. You don't want to go on a date, laugh together, or have fun. Do it anyway. Research overwhelming indicates that our feelings follow our actions, not the other way around. When you make the effort to have fun with your husband, your feelings will follow. You can choose to be friends with your husband—not based on feelings, but based on your priorities.
Picture where you and your husband might be in a few decades, in the winter of your marriage. Your kids will be grown and gone. The heat of sexual intimacy may have faded because of health. One or both of you will probably be retired from your formal occupation. What is left? How will you fill an empty house and hours of silence? Through friendship, the powerful bond that will keep you connected through each season of joy and grief. It's worth working toward now !
Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women
Juli Slattery is a TCW regular contributor and blogger . A widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional, she co-founded Authentic Intimacy and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

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Earlier this year I lived with two men, my husband Rick and his best friend Alan. These guys were closer than any two people I've ever
known, sharing everything in their lives from bourbon to bluegrass.
If this had been the sixties, it would have been a lot more
fun. After all, I was a free-spirited girl with flowers in my hair. And in
those days, we were all healthy with our futures in front of us. Time was on
our side.
But as often happens, time caught up with us in ways we
could never imagine. And after 31 years of working together, writing music,
betting on football, watching boxing and sharing secrets, these best friends
found themselves sharing something neither of them expected: cancer.
It struck my husband first in the form of a brain tumor—a
rare form most commonly found in dogs. After an eight-hour operation, which
removed eighty percent of the tumor and seven weeks of radiation, we were
ecstatic.
But even though my husband regained the movement on his
right side, there were subtle changes in his behavior. When living with him
became difficult, I turned to his best friend for advice and guidance. After
all, he knew Rick better than anyone. Alan was there to continually remind me
that although my husband was recuperating, he still had brain cancer. Life was
never going to be the same.
For example, I had to learn not to mutter to myself while
walking through the house. When emptying the dishwasher, I had to place the
glasses in the "right" spot. And I had to remember not to bombard Rick with
questions or switch topics midstream. I leaned on Alan every day. I needed him for
my survival.
And then fate reared its ugly head. As my husband grew
stronger, a tumor began growing inside his best friend. Once it was discovered,
it was too large to remove. The cancer had spread beyond treatment.
With no family nearby, no wife or children, Alan moved into
our home. After all, we were closer than blood. When asked if this was
something we could handle, I answered, "We could not handle having him live anywhere else."
If a doctor suggested our friend eat greens, my husband
bought kale and spinach, creatively incorporating them into his cooking. When Alan
became too weak to walk, my husband helped him down the hallway. When our
friend needed to cry, my husband caught his tears.
But it wasn't all sadness. These men also shared a great
sense of humor, which lasted until the very end. Shortly after moving into our
spare room, I asked Alan if he was comfortable.
"Yeah. The bed's good," he said. "But this room feels like
I'm living inside 'Storage Wars.'"
On one of my husband's particularly hard days, Alan
suggested he join a therapy group. My husband replied, "The only place I'm going
to find one is at a kennel."
And so the days progressed. With laughter and tears. My
husband growing stronger as our friend grew weaker until he finally lost his
battle. Alan died in our home, holding on to my husband's hand.
Our house now feels empty. Each time the screen door slams,
I'm jolted to those days when Alan would sit outside in the sun and fall asleep
with a book on his lap.
I think back to all the things I didn't say to him. I wanted
to ask if he was afraid. I wish I had crawled in bed beside Alan and told him
that I was afraid. Could he give me
some kind of sign when he got to the other side? I didn't say what was in my
heart because I always thought there would be another day.
Now when my husband yells at me or demands something, I
close my eyes and I hear Alan's voice in my head. Be calm. Rick is different
these days.
Fact is, I'm different too. I'm a better person for having
known and loved my husband's best friend.

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