My Husband Is Right Outside
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My Husband Is Right Outside
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Discussion Starter
·
#1
·
Apr 15, 2011
(Edited)
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We're both in our early 30's and have 4 kids; the oldest is 5 and the youngest is 18 months. My husband has always had a very high sex drive. He wants sex at least twice a day. Before we had kids, I was happy to oblige, but now it's become extremely difficult for me to meet his needs. Not only is it hard to have frequent sex because of the kids, but my libido has plunged while his seems to be growing even stronger. Right now, we're averaging about twice a week, and I do it mostly just to please him. It's not that he's not good in bed or doesn't care about pleasing me; he really tries to make it good for me, but I just don't really feel much desire to have sex. Every now and then I'll be aroused, but that's becoming increasingly rare. Naturally, that has affected the quality of the sex that we do have. We do it mostly in one position, and I can't even begin to entertain his kinky fantasies. I give him blowjobs but that doesn't really help, it just makes him want to have intercourse even more.
My husband has made it clear that he needs more and/or better sex, and we seem to be at an impasse because i'm not willing (or able) to give him more than I'm already giving him. I've been to my doctor and a sex therapist and they've told me that there's nothing abnormal about me; my libido seems to have just naturally settled at its current low point. The kids keep me busy but i don't work so i don't feel like I'm under a crazy amount of stress or anything. I've just lost interest in sex.
My husband has asked my permission to go outside the marriage to have his needs met. He's suggested a number of ground rules, e.g., he must be discreet, no overnight stays with other women unless he's traveling on business, no dates or social outings with other women, he must use protection, he can't bring other women into our house, no sex with anyone that I know personally, no street-level prostitutes, etc. The only rule I would be subject to is that I can't ask about his extramarital sex life (sort of like a "don't ask, don't tell" policy). This kind of thing is apparently not unusual in his family, since his father and uncles had mistresses that their wives knew about but put up with.
He's a wonderful man and we have a great relationship in every other respect. He helps out around the house and with the kids, he's affectionate, he's a great father, he works very hard (60+ hours/week) to support us and our lifestyle (I have some expensive tastes), and he's good to my family. I can't think of a single thing I've ever asked him to do that he hasn't done. He's good looking and very active (he still finds time to work out regularly and maintain a great body despite his hectic schedule), which is why I think he'd have no trouble meeting women for NSA sex if I were to greenlight this arrangement.
Obviously I'm not thrilled about the idea of my husband having sex with other women. On the other hand, our sex life has declined to the point where sex is like just another chore for me. Perhaps it would be a relief for both of us if he could have his needs met elsewhere. We love each other and our children very much, so divorce is not really an option.
Any advice would be appreciated.
EDIT 1: A lot of people have said this indicates that my husband is selfish. I think I should clarify why I disagree, and maybe shed some more light on why I'm actually considering this.
When I said my husband is good to my family, I don't just mean that he's courteous and gets along with them. Four years ago, our family was hit with dual tragedies in the span of two weeks: my sister's husband died in a car accident and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. My sister was left penniless and uneducated with a 4 year old son to support. My husband helped her get back on her feet, paid for her to go to nursing school, and has acted as a father figure to my nephew. As for my mother, my husband insisted that she move in with us so that he could help with her care (my father died a while ago and I have no other siblings). Because I was pregnant with my third child and nursing my second, I couldn't attend to my mother as much as I wanted. My husband was there for her more than I was; he tended to her, took her to her doctor's appointments, and even stayed with her in the hospital as she recovered from her surgery. My mom credits him with having saved her life (she's now in remission).
The other aspect of it is that my husband didn't want to have this many kids, he only wanted two at the most. I'm the one who wanted four kids and I still want more, and he has completely deferred to my wishes (though he now says he couldn't imagine a life without our 4 children). He had wanted me to be a working woman but I told him I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids, and he acquiesced to my wishes and has never put pressure on me to work, instead working more hours himself to provide me with the lifestyle I want.
So I guess I kind of feel guilty that he's sacrificed way more in this marriage than I have. Because of what he's done for my mom, sister and nephew, I would never even think of leaving him even if I caught him cheating on me. So what's the harm if I allow him this vice? Coupled with the fact that my wish to have a lot of kids is partly the reason why we don't have sex as often, I guess I'm seeing this as a way to even things out and make me feel like this isn't such a one-sided relationship. My husband didn't put it that way when he brought this up, but that's how I'm spinning it to myself. It may sound weird, but that's how I feel.
EDIT 2: See my post on page 8 for an update on how things turned out.
No No and No.
Scenario.
you agree, he then has sex with someone. Thinks ooh, that was good, she was hot. Let's do that again. and again,and again,and again, and before you know it she is meeting his emotional needs too, and when you thought you were being helpful to him by agreeing to it, he takes of with the woman and sets up a new life. *EDIT, and it will be all your fault by AGREEING to let him do it
DON'T even go their. He has Hands doesn't he? He doesn't get NOTHING does he? What a selfish ****
NO WAY
For the following reasons
- Risk of falling in love
He could very well end up falling in love with someone else.
- Risk of STD's
even people who are very careful catch these
- risk of unwanted pregnancy
Again people are careful, but it happens all the time.
- risk of children finding out
Children are a lot smarter then you think, very cluey. What value will they place on marriage and women if they find out he is doing this?
- Risk of other people finding out
How will you feel if friends and family find out about this?
- Reality of him not caring about you and only his sexual needs .
How will you feel that your husband is having his needs met by someone else, and didn't love you enough to really work on this with you?
The biggest one is the way he seems to view relationships and women. He seems to see them as interchangeable and disposable, because that is the example he has gotten from his family of origin. Women are people with complex emotions and feelings, and he has been taught that it is OK to use them for sex
I would really look at your relationship. Think long and hard about what does turn you on , and think about if he could meet those needs.
Do you really want to be married to a man who would do this to you?
Discussion Starter
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#4
·
Apr 15, 2011
No No and No.
Scenario.
you agree, he then has sex with someone. Thinks ooh, that was good, she was hot. Let's do that again. and again,and again,and again, and before you know it she is meeting his emotional needs too, and when you thought you were being helpful to him by agreeing to it, he takes of with the woman and sets up a new life. *EDIT, and it will be all your fault by AGREEING to let him do it
DON'T even go their. He has Hands doesn't he? He doesn't get NOTHING does he? What a selfish ****
You make a valid point but I don't think it's fair to call my husband selfish. He takes great care of me and our family and works hard so that I don't have to (I told him that I don't want to work, and he's never pressured me to). Like I said, he's a wonderful man in every respect, this is the only area in which our relationship is lacking.
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The first word that came to mind when reading your post was, SELFISH! That's how your husband is acting right now.
He should consider himself lucky that he was still having sex twice a week, alot of people don't even have that. He has no regards for your feelings on the matter, I mean you do have 4 kids.
If he is that hell bent on wanting more sex, then divorce him and he can all he wants. Obviously his priorities are not within the marriage/family.
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."
I understand the temptation to want to tell him yes - it would be easier for both of you - his "needs" would be met and you would be off the hook for trying to rouse up some kind of desire to have sex with him. But, please don't give in. Him having sex with other women will not fix this in your relationship. It will only bring in new fears, new questions, new problems. You guys will get through this. He can take care of himself during the times you guys have sex - he is lucky to be getting it two times a week. Taking care of 4 children is exhausting work, especially when they are all under the age of 5!!! It is great that he provides and supports you in other areas of your marriage, but he needs to support you in this one too!! Maybe you guys should plan a weekend away from the kids and rest up before hand so you can have sex all weekend long!
It's hard for a woman to get sexually attracted to a man when she is home taking care of 4 kids and he is out working 60 hours / week and finding even more time to work out. The lack of time kills the emotional connection.
Another comment is that 2x per day is unreasonable by nearly anyone's standards. I truly think the quantity can be negotiated if you are more willing to demonstrate to him that you truly value him. And that you truly recognize that his needs are important to him on a deep emotional level, and that this is not something you disdain as him just needing to get off.
So before green lighting this marriage killing arrangement...
Work on deepening your romantic and emotional connection through more together time, more fun activities etc.
If my H wanted this, I would never be able to agree to it and keep my self-respect (and it wouldn't help my respect of him either.)
~ Red
is he just being alpha?
twice a week would be heaven for me, but if she wasnt into it and i sensed it was service sex than i would not really want it.
letting him go somewhere else is lazy on both of your parts, you both have to work and compromise
I have no idea why you do not find his behavior selfish. None. Here is the tipping point for me, sex with random people using protection does not protect against Herpes or a host of other STD's. Skin to skin contact is how it is transferred and a condom doesn't protect always protect against that. Apparently your health is of little concern to this man. His needs are way more important.
Is it possible this is a poor attempt by your husband to get you to want sex more often?
I can see both sides of this, She hasn't indicated that she is willing to work with him on this either. I do not believe in going outside the marriage. I would rather end one if necessary. My advice would be to offer 3x a week and make an effort to be more involved in the process. 95% of the married men out there would love this frequency. But anything other than her would be out of the question.
As a man their is a physical but also emotional attachment to sex. The physical part is easy and most could take care of themselves. Going outside the marriage will lead to a loss of emotional connection for him and will damage the marriage.
This kind of thing is apparently not unusual in his family, since his father and uncles had mistresses that their wives knew about but put up with.
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
She hasn't indicated that she is willing to work with him on this either.
Well....I am going to risk getting my head blown off by you all...
Maya627 has stated that she loves her husband, he is a good provider for her and their family, he does all his fair share of household chores despite working long hours etc.
She has also admitted that she is not unhappy with his sex drive but freely admits that hers has plunged and she simply cannot keep him happy - as he is her in all other ways.
Rationing sex (for whatever reason) leads to resentment. He is doing his bit in the marriage deal, she is not doing hers which she freely and openly admits.
I think she is very brave AND considerate....well done Maya.
However...If I got it twice a week I'd be on cloud 9....I get it once a month if I am very lucky.
Maybe maya and her husband need to compromise....3-4 times a week..?? Lots of men here will go green with envy to get it that often!
Well....I am going to risk getting my head blown off by you all...
she is not doing hers which she freely and openly admits.
Well....I am going to risk getting my head blown off by you all...
Maya627 has stated that she loves her husband, he is a good provider for her and their family, he does all his fair share of household chores despite working long hours etc.
She has also admitted that she is not unhappy with his sex drive but freely admits that hers has plunged and she simply cannot keep him happy - as he is her in all other ways.
Rationing sex (for whatever reason) leads to resentment. He is doing his bit in the marriage deal, she is not doing hers which she freely and openly admits.
I think she is very brave AND considerate....well done Maya.
However...If I got it twice a week I'd be on cloud 9....I get it once a month if I am very lucky.
Maybe maya and her husband need to compromise....3-4 times a week..?? Lots of men here will go green with envy to get it that often!
I believe that a man is entitled to quality sex with his wife a couple times a week. It sounds like both of their plates are full, understandable. I am suggesting raising the level of quality. Squeezing in sex doesn't cut it for most men.
OP,
You edited your original post and it seems you made up your mind about this "vice". Get tested regularly. I wish you the very best.
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My husband is right outside... - 🧡 What if He’s Threatening to Throw my Stuff Away?
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Check out the perfect timing to provide him with an ultimatum.
There is no actual reason why married men get attracted to other women.
The passion of an affair makes birth control less effective, and it's often never even used.
A female reader, anonymous, writes 4 January 2011 : My husband and I have been married for 5 years and right from the beginning we said that one day when we felt ready we would be open to the idea of experimenting with other people in the bedroom.
This isn't usually something that younger wives need to worry about.
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