My Husband Has Never Made Me Come

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My Husband Has Never Made Me Come
My husband never wants sex and doesn’t even cuddle me. I yearn for love or affection
We are in our mid-50s and our children will soon have left home. For financial reasons, I don’t see how I can leave, but I’m so lonely. Annalisa Barbieri advises a reader
‘It’s very obvious that he doesn’t want me near him.’ (Posed by model) Photograph: Wavebreakmedia/Getty Images/iStockphoto
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My husband and I are in our mid-50s and have been together for 30 years. I cannot remember the last time we had sex – it was at least four years ago. The last few times, he found it difficult and lost his erection. I don’t know why, and I think I felt that maybe it was me somehow. The problem is that we have no intimacy at all. He has never been terribly demonstrative physically, and I wonder if this is because his parents never were, but now we never touch, never hold hands, never cuddle.
Occasionally, I have tried, but it is very obvious that he doesn’t want me near him – he becomes stiff and awkward until I let go. At the moment, every conversation we have turns into an argument and, at times, it seems better not to talk at all. Hence the idea of even starting to become close again is not something I feel I want to do. I see other couples our age holding hands and being affectionate – even my parents, who are now 80.
I feel lonely. Our two children will soon both be gone. I often think about leaving him, but the reality is very difficult to think about. We have very little pension between us and our future depends on selling up and possibly buying somewhere smaller. If I were to leave him, we would both struggle for money, and I would certainly have no option of retiring from my job, which I find very stressful.
We live as housemates. We share things, we do things as a family sometimes, we eat together and share cooking, etc. We don’t spend evenings together. We go out as a couple maybe once a year.
I yearn for some love and affection from someone and, although I could go on as I am, when I think of the next 30 years or so without this, especially when my children have left, I feel very down. I don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t know how to begin to leave him as I have nowhere to go, cannot afford to rent somewhere else, and don’t want to leave our lovely house. I am going round in circles and, meanwhile, month after month, year after year goes by. I wish I could just have a break from him in the hope that we could then continue, and make a new start.
Some couples have no, or little, sex but a lot of intimacy, and function well and are happy. Some couples have a great sex life but little else. The key is what both of you are happy with, and you are clearly not happy.
The lack of intimacy seems to bother you the most, which isn’t surprising. Intimacy – which a specialist in relationships once described to me as “knowing absolutely what was going on with the other person” – is really about communication and that seems to be sorely lacking. Communication is hugely important in relationships.
I consulted Jo Coker, a psychosexual therapist ( cosrt.org.uk ), who said: “This is such a common problem and usually it is disguising other major problems.”
The erectile dysfunction is not something to discount easily and should, Coker advises, be medically checked out in the first instance. Has your husband been to seen a GP? I appreciate that it is a difficult subject for you to bring up with him.
“Typically,” Coker explains, “when a man loses his erection, the partner personalises it and then retreats. What then tends to happen is people become more distant. They don’t communicate and every conversation turns into an argument.” Furthermore, what may be happening if your partner fears erectile dysfunction again, is that he will fear physical closeness and you in turn interpret that as rejection. And so it goes on.
Coker continues: “His parents not being overly affectionate with each other doesn’t necessarily explain why your husband is like this. His parents’ generation tended not to be so demonstrative.” Although we note that you say your parents are very affectionate together – this may throw your own relationship into starker relief.
I think it is very much worth trying to reconnect, because you can’t really think about splitting up if you haven’t tried as far as possible to fix this. I think therapy would really help you: either try your GP or find an accredited local therapist through the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists site ( cosrt.org.uk/information-for-members-of-the-public/therapist-listing ) .
It would be most beneficial if you could go to therapy together, but you can’t make your husband go. I appreciate that even asking him to go may be too much at the moment – but, remember, you can have couples therapy on your own and he can join you later, or not at all. It would be amazingly beneficial for you to talk in a safe place – this problem is nothing to be ashamed of.
What you and your husband need is communication and when you do eventually sit down and talk, it will be amazing what comes out. I always think that seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes can be incredibly intimate, or incredibly alienating. That is the risk, but either way it is illuminating and, unless you want to spend the next 30 years in this dulled state, it is a process you have to go through. Good luck.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms . Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Home / Articles / My Husband Never Defends Me or Takes Up For Me. Why?
This content is licensed under CC BY 4.0 . If you use this content please attribute Emily Peoples via https://alterables.com/author/epeoples/ as a contributor of your adapted content.
This content is licensed under CC BY 4.0 . If you use this content please attribute Emily Peoples via https://alterables.com/author/epeoples/ as a contributor of your adapted content.
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Last Updated on April 8, 2019 by Emily Peoples
The majority of wives feel that when an in-law (or anyone else) is critical of their husband, they must defend him against subtle slights and reproaches. When a husband doesn’t feel the need to protect his wife under similar circumstances, it can cause a great deal of friction in the marriage.
For wives, this is often an issue of respect .
When their man doesn’t feel compelled to defend his lady’s honor in the presence of what she feels is an unfair personal attack, it can feel as though he is confirming what the insulter is insinuating.
There can be many ways that a husband handles a perceived insult toward his wife that doesn’t (necessarily) rise to the level of tacit approval. For instance, a husband can deftly and quickly change the subject.
He may not be approving, confirming, or legitimizing the insult. In fact, he may feel as though it’s not deserving of response or acknowledgment.
Mothers-in-law can be critical and often are, not merely of you, but of their children, friends, and others as well. A husband who is used to this behavior may not want to pick a fight each time that it rears its ugly head.
Likely, it would neither be worth the effort nor the frustration of turning an otherwise friendly gathering ugly. In that instance, just changing the subject may be the best way that the husband knows for handling a situation like this.
Nonetheless, a wife who is used to going to battle for her husband may see that inaction as not being proactive enough. Even a polite response would be better than none.
A husband who has dealt with this negativity his entire life, however, may just feel it best to tune it out.
On top of that, there may be a dozen other ways to manage the situation that do not involve confrontation or even subtle rebuke for the criticism but do not rise to the level of tacit agreement. In this instance, the husband is merely moving the subject away from something that can turn into a confrontation.
There are other instances, however, when a husband’s inaction may rise to the level of an unspoken agreement with the criticizer, and this can herald underlying problems with the husband’s attitude toward his wife and the marriage at large.
When wives have reached the point of asking the question “why doesn’t my husband ever stick up for me?” it’s because at some point their feelings have been deeply hurt by an interaction with another person, and their husband did little or nothing to come to their defense in that situation.
In fact, they may have taken the side of the offending party. This action can be especially painful for a wife that feels disrespected because she should be able to trust her husband to at least empathize with her perspective on an issue when it’s coming into conflict with another person’s.
A husband who, in a situation of conflict, sides against his wife may be hiding deep-seated resentment toward her.
When a wife brings an issue such as this to her husband’s attention, and he responds by defending the actions of the insulting party, the wife has every right to be angry.
Most marriages are built on a belief that those in your family must be defended at all costs. Even in instances where a wife has behaved poorly, a husband who does not diplomatically resolve an issue by explaining the wife’s behavior away as the result of her being tired or cranky is putting his marriage in jeopardy.
In other words, even when a wife is in the wrong, a husband should make some effort to improve the situation to friends and loved ones. Privately, he can explain to her why her behavior caused conflict with others and why that action was upsetting.
The situations related above describe instances in which a wife feels (justifiably or not) disrespected by her husband who did not defend her in a specific circumstance. What happens when a husband’s behavior becomes a pattern of pushing his wife’s point of view aside for those that are critical of her?
A case like the above is unique because it reflects a husband’s attitude toward his wife and not a husband’s response toward an overly critical mother or an isolated incident.
It’s also important to not confuse a situation like this with a healthy argument or philosophical disagreement. A wife who is made to feel small in front of friends and family has a husband that is not respecting her.
A respectful debate does the opposite of that. Even when two parties disagree, both of their opinions are given weight and considered carefully.
It’s important to draw a distinction here because mere disagreement does not rise to the same level as belittling another person, especially one that deserves to be loved and respected. When an in-law makes a comment that is disparaging to a wife and her husband tacitly or overtly agrees, he is taking part in the belittling.
It’s important to recognize the difference and to recognize this behavior as belittling because it helps to draw a firm line between certain kinds of normal friction and other toxic forms of behavior in which one person seeks to undermine the confidence of another.
It’s easy enough to say “trust your instincts,” but your instincts can get outmaneuvered by a carefully crafted rationale. The real question is: how did the situation make you feel?
If the answer is you felt upset, then you need to discuss the situation with your husband.
A husband that responds defensively or takes the side of an individual that was belittling you may have some serious problems with your marriage.
There are many reasons that a husband may act this way, but if you don’t feel like your husband has your back, it’s important to recognize that you deserve to feel like he does.
Even if it appears your husband never takes your side during outside disagreements, you deserve the respect of him listening to your points and weighing the merits of them. An outright dismissal of your concerns is cause for alarm.
There are situations in which you may be in the wrong. Your husband will make his perspective on the topic known to you, but he should do so where the two of you can discuss the issue privately and not in front of those who are disrespecting you.
A husband who is insecure may back someone who is belittling you because it knocks you down a peg and puts you where the husband feels you are on even footing.
A weak husband can undermine his wife in a dozen different ways and this disparagement is often one of the most prominent. You may love him, but you still deserve better.
While every husband may behave this way at one time or another, it’s essential for a wife to recognize that loyalty and support are the cornerstones of any marriage.
In other words, a wife deserves to be defended by her husband when she feels that a family member or someone else is being critical of her. If there is a situation in which a wife behaves poorly, there are plenty of other ways to handle that other than publicly humiliating her.
A husband may behave in this manner for any number of reasons, but none of them rise to the level of a reasonable justification. In other words, a wife must bring the matter to his attention and attempt to determine why her husband doesn’t seem to have her back.
Marriages and families are something that you’re all supposed to be in together. A husband who can’t manage to recognize that an attack on his wife is an attack on him is missing the heart of what family is all about.
Emily believes in the power of resolute thoughts and putting out positive energy to get it back ten-fold! She loves to write about relationships and living life.
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T oday we are going to hear from Kathy whose husband can’t seem to bring him self to find a kind word for her. When things go south in their marriage, he resorts to name calling and assertions that he doesn’t love her and she doesn’t deserve him.
Do ever find yourself in a situation in which your husband acts in a certain way to make your feel unloved?
Does he act in a way that make you feel he doesn’t care to please you?
Is he ever so brazen or vindictive to tell you he doesn’t want you or feel for you in the same way?
A bit later in this article I am going to list out the 10 signs or things your husband might do or say that point to the possibility that his love for you is eroding, maybe even disappearing.
Sometimes these signs of dying love come in the form of constant put downs and cheap shots and other behavior that makes you feel he has nothing but disdain for you.
In some of the worse cases I have seen, it can be like he holds contempt for you and can barely stand being around you.
Or he may accuse you of holding him back from doing and experiencing other things. Taken all together, it can feel like he wants to wipe clean away all of the good times the two of you use to enjoy together.
I hear that a lot from some clients about husbands that cut them down in ways to make them feel like the marriage is headed for a wreck.
Sometimes the behavior from the husband is more subtle, but nevertheless piercing in the pain it can cause. For example,  “My husband just told me that his feelings for me have changed and he does care about me like he use to?
Or, “Chris, you won’t believe what husband said about me. He thinks our love has grown old and it’s harder for him to care about me as he should. I think it is big cop-out and something else is going on ”
Are you in a marriage where you husband can’t bring himself to simply tell you he loves you or worse, tells you the opposite….in other words he says he never loved you or has stopped loving you?
Perhaps the signs of his love simply just vanishing over time are to be believed. What people say and do sometimes are backed by real feeling.
Just maybe your husband’s heart is not in the marriage because he has his heart somewhere else.
I have seen plenty of cases where men try to convince themselves and their wife as well, that they don’t love them anymore. A man can bend himself into an emotional pretzel trying to talk himself out of love.
I see this often when a guy is having an affair and is trying to justify his actions or feelings, not understanding either very well. I have seen lot of cases of a husband getting caught up in an emotional and physical love affair with another woman and at the same time trying to convince himself that he must not be in love with his wife anymore.
But as it turns out, love is not really as fickle as some people try to make it. People don’t just fall in and out of love lickety-split.
That sure doesn’t stop a husband from pulling away from his wife. He can do it in all sorts of ways.
And it need not be an affair that causes your husband to act this way. A man can withdraw his love or act like he doesn’t care for lots of different reasons.
“ Honey, I just don’t want you anymore. I am not the same person. We have grown apart. I need to do the things I want to do and you get in my way. The love between us is just not the same. You are like a sister to me”, her husband exclaimed.
That sounds cruel doesn’t it? It sound like a cruel thing for a husband to say because it is. A husband and wife should never talk that way to each other.
The whole notion that your husband is some kind of new person or has changed in some kind of meaningful way therefore you are not worthy of him is often a crock of bull.
Men or women who talk that way are most often just putting themselves first and putting their spouse second.
Talking this way to your spouse is not simply a bad thing to do because it is poor manners (which it is), but because it is cruel and destructive to the relationship.
When men often put themselves ahead of their wives’ needs or choose to constantly criticize their wife, they are not only showing a warped sense of love, but are likely exhibiting anarchistic tendencies.
It seems some men can’t throttle back their anger or resentment and choose to reach deep into t
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